Coping

I know that I owe some of you responses to emails.
I'm sorry I haven't already done it...and I do appreciate your support.

It's partly because I'm just so dI\*mn busy living....
stsill...I tend to neglect friends and family when I'm too busy or tired...something I need to look at.

The truth is I have been wanting to blog...needing it even....but a lot of what is going on in my life right now isn't just about ME... I don't think it's appropriate of me to discuss it with the world since it aaffects other people.....so I haven't been writing at all.

I should maybe start journalling on paper...for my own benefit.

Anyway...I've been searching again.

Isn't it something that it's what I do when I'm in (emotional) pain?

Well...not always...
I used to hide in my addiction.

You know...when I first started on this spiritual journey...it was out of fear and it was in search of some sort of god.
I was sort of convinced that it was necessary to believe...... I mean.... the only people I knew of who had broken free of addiction said that the only way I could do it was through a higher power.

I wasn't sure if that was right.
But I knew that I had been trying to stop on my own and I couldn't.
I just couldn't.
well...that isn't really true.
I coult stop,
I just wasn't very successful at STAYING stopped.

not when bad shit happened in my life.

so I started searching...
and changing things (character defects?)

not because my defects caused me to be 'bad' (active in addiction).
I really don't think my addiction is due to bad behavior or moral
BUT
if I am doing things like being HONEST...and doing the next right thing...it's almost impossible to become wrapped up in addiction again. i really don't think one can be honest and engage in addictive behaviors.
at least....not honest wsith one's self.

so where was I?

OK- searching spiritually....changing character defects...and

finding new coping skills...
when life falls apart (and it will)
having new and different (better) ways of dealing with...well...suffering.

I could list some of the coping skills that I've 'gathered'....
-staying connected to others in recovery is a big help...and reaching out to them when I'm struggling with life...they get me (us) like 'normal' people don't. other cg's help me immeasurably.
-educating myself
-learning to relax
-practicing awareness
-recognizing my 'addictive voice'

Those are the primary ones anyway.

But I just realized something else...

I said....some of the things that I've done is:

spiritual searching
working on character defects
develop new coping skills

I've been thinking...that one of the 'coping skills' that I now use is 'spiritual searching'.

I mean....in the past....I end up in emotional pain I gamble...and when my world is falling apart and Im trying to pull it all back together, I 'seek spiritually'.

Presently....I've just skipped the gambling part.

My spiritual quest is different than it was in those early days when I was 'looking for god'.

and even later...when I was trying to figure out who I was...and what it's (life) all about.

now.....it's about finding ways to be at peace.

to remain calm on the inside when the outsside is wacked.

I was introduced to some spiritual material in 2002 (my first real attempt at quitting)...and it was awesome..this 'information'.....and I have used it.....but ass time goes on, I think about and practice these techniques lesss and less.....and then I end up in pain (because that is life)...and I turn back to it.
not necesarily to the same material (CD's this happens to be)....

sometimes books...different authors..

the more I listen...the more I UNDERSTAND....it is so clear that they are all saying the same things.

I get very excited about this stuff when I'm actively pursuing it.
It energizes me.
I wonder why I keep having to 'return' to it? i.e. why do I ever walk away?

more later....soon.