Time

Geez, I struggle with that.

Never enough.

It's funny because when someone who has been spending every spare moment gambling, suddenly tries to stop... there is a vacuum.  There is now time with nothing to put in it.

That makes it really difficult to stop gambling.

So people who are trying to abstain start looking for other things to do with their time. 
I can remember googling 'things to do when you're bored' and the like.

As I write this, it is clear to me why people must stay active in recovery in order to maintain sobriety...because.... I have been to some really awful (inner) places due to gambling.... and now... with distance.... the memories are somewhat vague and there might even SOMETIMES be a little part of me that thinks (to the gambler who still suffers) "just stop!" 

ha... but the bigger part of me knows it isn't just that easy.  My recall isn't THAT bad.

ANYWAY....

I was talking to my son yesterday about Greek mythology, which, I think was one of the ONLY things that he actually paid attention to in school.... and I was expressing regret.... or... the fact that I have so many interests... so much that I would love to do (and learn)

and I am young (I am going to keep saying that to you in an effort to convince us both).... unless there is some terrible accident, I am likely to live many more years.,.,, but I realize, with some sadness, that there is more on my "TO DO LIST OF LIFE" than I will be able to accomplish before my time here is done.

that makes me want to get busy.

but I'm already TOOO busy!  that's what I'm always complaining about.
no down-time.

I don't know what the answer is.
but honestly... I'm not really THAT upset about the 'problem' (ha! we know what REAL problems look like!)
For now.... my life is pretty damn good.
I'm happy.
I'm healthy.

I'm just going to be joyous in the moment.

Because things will change.
Of this we can all be sure.

If you are sad...delight in the fact that things will change.
If you are happy...delight.... because the fact is... things will change.

have a great day.
take care of you.

you deserve your life...
know that.
OWN IT!!!!!

love,
peg

Hi yall!

So I obviously still have a lot to work on.

I started out the year thinking that I was going to start blogging again regularly (I really am so much better when I do).  But somehow I cannot find the time.

Is it that?  Is it time?  Yeah, it is... but surely I have had a moment or two, here and there, in the past seven or eight months, to sit and write...so it's more a matter of how I choose to SPEND my time.

And there have always been problems around that.... me living some crazy life committed to doing things that I feel like I absolutely MUST do (OR that I really really WANT to do) and never having enough down-time.

Now this is a problem.... but.... I know the audience to whom I speak....and if you are still gambling...or even if you are NOT gambling, but the pain from gambling is still fresh for you.... this must not seem like much of a problem at all.

and you are right.
none of this makes my husband want to leave me.  my loved ones do not suffer terribly and I am not contemplating methods of taking my life.

so in the scheme of things.
this is not a big problem.

ya know.... THAT is really how I look at 'problems' now.

when people are freaking out because they are late for this or that..... or even for some seemingly 'big' problem.... I compare it, mentally, to some big problems that I've had.

is anyone in jail?
got cancer?
do we need to plan a funeral?
is someone caught up in the throes of addiction and cannot stop?
do we need to go to 12 step meetings?
is anyone considering divorce?
suicide?


I could go on....
but those are some of the biggies.

if it doesn't fall into the biggies....or that TYPE of problem.... I am pretty much able to put it in perspective.

my mantra "This is not a big problem.  I KNOW what big problems look like and THIS is NOT one of them."

Of course..... sometimes, there ARE big problems.

I know I've complained from time to time here about my health problems.

I'm really still a young woman (or I like to pretend that I am) and the past few years I have just had some of the craziest shit....
and this past April I finally landed in the hospital.  I was in and out.  Spent a total of over three weeks, had three surgeries. (originally just to look around as the drs were confused)...

I always get the weird shit.

and of course they had never seen anything like this before.
and of course, they could not fathom HOW I had been walking around for the three months prior... not doubled over in pain... blah blah blah

but it's done now.

I'm good as new.  all fixed.  took a while to heal (well... just laying in bed for weeks will take it's toll... my muscles had deteriorated... I looked awful!).

but.... as I said.... I'm all good.

So I am STILL as busy as ever.... mostly (but not all) doing FANTASTICALLY FUN stuff.

get this.... very long story, but (synchronicity)... I found myself in acting classes.... I now have an agent and am beginning to audition pretty regularly.

I think... if I had the time to go back and read my first dozen posts on this blog I would be amazed that I just typed that sentenced.

I am not looking to become a STAR.... and based on where I live, that really won't happen.  but it is possible that I could land small roles on a regular basis.  that would be my goal.

it is SOOOO much fun to be on set :)

I'll try to keep you posted.

and if something does come of it... I will finally come out of the closet.... my boys are grown and I don't think anyone gives a shit if I share any of my past with you anyway.  I'm better now.

sigh.

what a lovely thing to be able to say.

I'm better now.

OK... so I'm writing because occasionally someone new will come across the blog and since it's been abandoned, they are very curious.... what has happened to me?  am I gambling?  what is my status?  can I give an update please?

I have to run.... busy day ahead......

I am good.
I am happy.
More than ever, let me say to you, that your life belongs to YOU and only YOU have the power to CHANGE it.
If you don't like where it is right now, PLEASEEEE take some action.

it isn't possible to snap your fingers and make a NEW, DIFFERENT one appear.

mine did not appear that way..... I just very slowly.... made different choices every day.

keep doing the same things, you will keep GETTING the same things.

today, change something.  one thing.
then tomorrow... change something else.

read.
find books that inspire you.....

make your WORD the most important thing you have.
your WORD is holy.
keep your promises.
don't ever lie.
be honorable.
start small.

but start.
now.
right this minute.

it's the only one you have.

much much love.
you deserve your life....


Peg.

Dual Addiction and Smoking

Did I tell you I quit?

Yep, I finally did it.

Well.... circumstances made it easier than it should've been.

I'll still take all of the credit, thank you very much.

Last October I got a headache.
I get them sometimes.
Bad.
Sometimes they last for weeks.
This one did.
Five weeks and a few days.

BUT
I was extremely sensitive to odors while I had this headache.
Anything with an odor seemed obnoxious.

The second day of the headache, I went outside to smoke a cigarette and it was REALLY gross.

but i smoked it anyway.

The next day I went outside to smoke a cigarette and it was REALLY gross.

and again, I smoked it anyway.

The next day when I was about to walk outside to smoke a cigarette, I thought to myself "it's gonna be gross.  I'll do it later."

Five weeks later, when the time the headache was gone (and odors weren't offensive) it was RIDICULOUS to start smoking again.

I wanted to.
I still do sometimes.

But.... I don't want to smoke forever.
I just don't ever want to quit RIGHT NOW.

I'll quit later.

But I realize that.... if, after having not smoked for 5 weeks, I return to smoking, then I must face that I am going to be a smoker for the rest of my life. 

If I don't stay quit this time, then when?

So I'm done.

I've been trying for a long time.
I've written about smoking cessation several times.  Here's one entry.

Statistically when someone has dual-addictions, they are more likely to relapse if they continue in any of the addictions.  People who quit smoking in rehab centers are less likely to return to drugs or alcohol than people who don't quit smoking.

Lots of people in recovery say to tackle one addiction at a time.
and that worked for me.
but studies are showing that ceasing all addictive behaviors simultaneously is likely to be a more successful approach.

However you decide to do it.... all at once, or one at a time..... claim your independence.

The box

ok,

it's a box, not a jar.

If you don't know what I'm talking about....I mentioned in yesterday's entry that I'm taking the advice of a bit I saw and shared on facebook....

So I have a few pretty boxes in assorted sizes.  I decided to use a box.

Last night both of my children came home at 11:30 pm... so my family was safe and sound under one roof (our home) at the stroke of midnight...and some old friends spent the evening with us....stayed the night and we spent all day together here, cooking, eating...just being together.

That's more or less what my first note says.

Then I sat down here...and read last nights entry....  oops... I FORGOT.... about my return to blogging...

already the 'small' good things are getting away from me and we're only a few hours into the new year.

I'm trying to remember how we spent last New Years Eve.
I don't remember.
ahhhh.... yes.... I do.

That seems like a very very long time ago. 

Lots of forgotten good times between then and now.
How sad.

OK... so it's only Jan. 1 and I'm already making mental notes to put something in the box.

Maybe I need another box....on my nightstand.
and one in my car.
or a little wallet in my purse specifically for holding my good-thing notes.

so I will actually write it when I think it.


Yes, that's definately what I need to do.

Mental note made.

Goodnight.