Becoming a better person.

When I was trying to stop gambling, I read a lot.

I was trying to figure it out.

How to save my life... because if I didn't stop, I was going to lose a lot more than my money.

I was going to start losing PEOPLE.


I was already lost.


I had to find myself again.  BE ME again... but how.

So I read.


A lot of people talked about wanting to be their 'old selves' (pre-gambling) again... but I figured... the OLD PEG ended up gambling... I didn't want to be HER again.

but who?


The 12 stop programs talked about eliminating character defects.

Now... that seems strange to me... on the one hand... saying we aren't bad.. we're sick.... but if you get rid of these bad qualities or tendencies, you'll be better.

I pondered that a bit... but what DID make sense to me was....

If I am a person who doesn't lie... if I am a person who doesn't steal... If I am a person who consistently respects my relationships... I CANNOT gamble.

So I went to work on those things.

No lies.
No gossip.
Be kind.

Now I'm not saying I'm perfect.
I'm not.

But when I identified a behavior of mine that wasn't attractive... I 'put it on the list'.

and slowly... I began to work on those things.

I say slowly because... I didn't just wake up the next day, after having identified these things, somehow different.

But day-in and day-out (yeah, one day at a time)... I refused to lie.  I did not gossip.  I chose to do the 'right' thing. 

Now I'm not sure when I actually BECAME different.

But I AM.

I recently attended a workshop that happens to be geared toward actors, but I can see how it would benefit any human being, that is geared to 'give you vocabulary' to describe yourself and is primarily based on how others see you.

While reviewing the cards where people had given me feedback about my personality.... which included statements from people in my life who know me well... I realized how different this would've looked both WHILE I was gambling and even BEFORE I ever started.

Those things that I aspired to do... it's who I am now.

Like I said... I'm not perfect.
As a matter of fact, it might be time for me to make a new list of things I should get to work on :)

But slowly... one choice at a time... I became a different person.
A better person.

And that is a good thing to do... whether one gambles or not.

When we seek help

Just an observation...

people who are trying to stay gamble free do not tend to fill the rooms of g.a. just before a holiday, anticipating that they may need the strength to get through it.

they may even, in large numbers, start feeling a 'pull', and thinking about what's coming (gambling).


but the rooms tend to have a lot more people in them just AFTER a holiday.

or on Mondays rather than Fridays.


Why do we not seek help/strength BEFORE we hurt ourselves?

Because we don't want anything to 'get in our way'.


We show up AFTER we have done the damage.
We show up in tears, in shambles... in shame.

It's a brain game.

And if you don't want to call it a disease or an illness...
frankly that's OK with me...

but SOMETHING in our brain is COMPELLED to keep us in it...

and something ELSE in our brain... knows that we must STOP... and we must do everything we can to empower THIS thing... to help it get stronger... to make it grow... so that it can SHUT DOWN that other part.

the most IMPORTANT thing to do is to NOT GAMBLE.


I could NOT have stopped if I'd had access to money.

But I made the decision to give that up.

and sometimes I'd find ways to get money anyway.

and I'd gamble.

then... in the aftermath... I would 'fix' that back-door so I couldn't do that again.


then I'd find another way.
and I'd gamble.


and I'd figure out a way to prevent myself from doing THAT again.

It's about doing whatever is necessary to take care of yourself...when you can... when you have a moment of strength... take steps to protect yourself FROM YOURSELF when you are in a place where you will do whatever you can to gamble.

You are worth it.
You deserve your life.
I don't mean... you deserve the crap that you might be living through right now...

I mean... you deserve to live a wonderful life... so go make that.

Take care of you,
Peg

It Gets Worse.

That's the bottom line.

If you are here because you are gambling and you're in trouble (financially... with relationships... with the law... whatever)...

Know that it will get worse.


When I attended my first GA meeting... I cried the entire time.  I was scared.  I was in trouble.  I was desperate for help.

I didn't see how things could get any worse.


I didn't like what I heard at that meeting, and I did not return for several years (I think?)...

and when I DID return....

things were SO MUCH WORSE.


I'm not pushing GA here.
I'm not pushing anything.

I'm just saying....

there are two options.

Stop gambling.
or it will get worse.


Now I know we can't 'just stop'.

But then... that is exactly what we MUST do.



The thing is...

when I was gambling... my BRAIN was not OK.

If you aren't a gambler, you won't understand that... and if you are a gambler who has never been able to stop for more than a month or two, you may not understand that either....

but... after three months... after SIX months of not gambling.... my brain started changing... becoming somewhat normal again...

and the more time I had, gamble-free... the more normalized I was.


So here's the kicker.... while your brain is all-messed-up and doing everything it can to keep you gambling... you must somehow,  using your brain (which is hell-bent on gambling) to stop.

ugh.

It's like telling a man with paralyzed legs that the only way he can get better is to walk.

except

it's not.


you know, I used to get frustrated because people wouldn't just tell me HOW.
If I just had a set of rules, guidelines, a prescription for how to get better I would do it!

but... no one would do that for me.


They can't.

I can't.


I would tell you if I knew.

On many occasions, in this blog, I have tried.
There are many examples here, of things that I did, that contributed to my success in gaining freedom.


what I DO know... is that it's possible.
No matter what ANYONE tells you about the odds of quitting for good (oh, the irony in that!)...
it CAN be done and YOU can do it.

and that if people who have an out-of-control gambling problem do not stop, it WILL get worse.


Take care of you.
Peg

Let's meet at the casino???

Wow.

So I started a new acting class a few weeks ago, and in this class, we are assigned a new scene to perform with another actor every week. 

It's like doing a play, only you're performing one small scene.

You are required to meet with your scene partner to rehearse.

So yesterday, my partner and I were trying to schedule that, when we realized that HE lives nearly an hour from class... and I live 30 minutes from class... in opposite directions.

ugh.

so we are texting... and he says... could we meet at the casino?



WHAT!!!????

Not a coffee shop or a café?

the CASINO???!

who does that?

*I* know who does that.

People who are 'at home' at the casino.

***
I am trying not to be difficult here.... and I have been completely unavailable to rehearse for the past four days and we are running out of time.... so I need to be agreeable and get this done.
***

And... I will, from time to time,  go to a casino.

I have.
I'm sure I will again.

But when I go there is a REASON to be there... generally speaking, a concert.

I take care to keep myself 'safe' when I do that.

I'm not going to go to a casino if I don't really NEED to be there.


Anyway... I suggest another location.

We end up talking on the phone.
He is curious about my not wanting to go to the casino.
Like... 'what's the problem?'
He has met there with another actor in the past to rehearse.  It was fine.

"I don't go to casinos."
"I'm a big gambler." he says.
"Yeah.  I used to be."

It wasn't uncomfortable to say this... aside from not wanting to be difficult.


We met at another location.  It was fine.

These days, I don't crave it and I don't fear it. I don't think casinos are evil.  But I have a healthy respect that there is something in my brain that has and can easily 'change' because of those places... and I don't ever want to have to quit gambling again.

So I do what I have to do to take care of me.

Making sense of the most unthinkable things

A local furniture store has just pressed charges against thier store manager for stealing several hundred thousand dollars over the past 6 years.

As I read the article and viewed her photo, the first thing that came to mind was... 'she was probably gambling'.

Later, the article came across my facebook newsfeed and I read the comments.  The store is in a small town, so several of the comments came from people who knew or recognized the woman... and sure enough, one of the comments said 'She was gambling all of the time'.

If I had been in a job where I had the opportunity... this could very easily have been me... even though, in my RIGHT mind, I would never think of stealing.

You know... you've gambled away the money that you needed to pay bills... and you KNOW that you can 'put it right back'... so you 'borrow' a little.

Then you can't put it back, and realize that you should've taken a little more.... because if you only had enough to PLAY with... you would surely 'hit'... and all would be well.

and so it begins.

I'm not saying it's OK.
It's NOT ok.

but damn... I feel for her.

I know how powerful this shit is and how mucked up my thinking was back then.

***

I KNOW that... now that I'm thinking clearly and living a 'normal' life... I am often telling you that 'You can DO this!'  and you CAN... and I'm NOT trying to make it sound easy.

It's NOT easy.

But it's sooooo important, that even though it may be the most difficult thing you ever do... you MUST.

***

This robs us of our money, our time, our loved ones, our self-respect, our retirement, our homes and even our personal FREEDOM.... it will take everything that we are if we let it.

***

I KNOW it isn't easy to stop.
I KNOW that after we stop, it still sucks.... because we've made a mess of our lives and now THAT must be addressed.

yeah I know.
I do.

but I also KNOW that it's POSSIBLE to be free.

and we deserve that.
we deserve to have a life.
and we really don't when we are 'in it'.


but we can.
you can.

YOU CAN!

The time we wasted....

I have a friend who sometimes sends me interesting things she finds online and she just sent me something that I'd like to share with you.

Regardless of age, most of us feel that we wasted a lot of time gambling... oh.. and the 'sunk costs' is interesting too.  :)


The link to the original post is here. ... but I'll paste it, in the event that it goes away

"Life Advice: I am in my late 20s, and feel I have wasted a lot of time. Is it too late?"

Reply;  

Too late for what?  

If you slept through your 26th birthday, it's too late for you to experience that. It's too late for you to watch "LOST" in its premiere broadcast. (Though, honestly, you didn't miss much.) It's too late for you to fight in the Vietnam War. It's too late for you to go through puberty or attend nursery school. It's too late for you to learn a second language as proficiently as a native speaker. It's probably too late for you to be breastfed.  

It's not too late for you to fall in love.  

It's not too late for you to have kids. 

It's not too late for you to embark on an exciting career or series of careers.  

It's not too late for you to read the complete works of Shakespeare; learn how to program computers; learn to dance; travel around the world; go to therapy; become an accomplished cook; sky dive; develop an appreciation for jazz; write a novel; get an advanced degree; save for your old age; read "In Search of Lost Time"; become a Christian, then an atheist, then a Scientologist; break a few bones; learn how to fix a toilet; develop a six-pack ... 

Honestly, I'm 47, and I'll say this to you, whippersnapper: you're a fucking kid, so get over yourself. I'm a fucking kid, too. I'm almost twice your age, and I'm just getting started! My dad is in his 80s, and he wrote two books last year.  

You don't get to use age as an excuse. Get off your ass! 

Also, learn about what economists call "sunk costs." If I give someone $100 on Monday, and he spends $50 on candy, he'll probably regret that purchase on Tuesday. In a way, he'll still think of himself as a guy with $100—half of which is wasted.  

What he really is is a guy with $50, just as he would be if I'd handed him a fifty-dollar bill. A sunk cost from yesterday should not be part of today's equation. What he should be thinking is this: "What should I do with my $50?" 

What you are isn't a person who has wasted 27 years. You are a person who has X number of years ahead of you. What are you going to do with them?

Whether you think you can or you think you can't.....

So this post really isn't about gambling.
Or not gambling.

It's about how something can seem impossible.
Or... maybe it's possible for SOME people... but it isn't possible for ME.

And then....it IS happening.

Now sometimes that is because...well... things just happen.

But for other things.... it takes effort.

Hard work, determination, change.

And it's HARD to suffer... to work really hard... to sacrifice.......when you reallyyyy don't think a thing is achievable.

It's much easier to accept that you cannot reach your goal and stop trying.

But.
what.
the.
hell?????

I've got ONE life.

At least, as far as I know I only get one shot at this.

This is it.

One day I will be gone.
It'll all be over.

I look around me and I see all sorts of remarkable stories about people who have achieved unthinkable things.

Why.
not.
me?

They SAY... that what those people have in common is that they BELIEVED that they could.  They KNEW it...

"Whether you think you can or you think you can't--you're right." -- Henry Ford

I guess when people 'think they can' they don't stop trying.

*I* think... that you only have to think it's POSSIBLE... and NEVER STOP TRYING.



When I look back at my life... especially at the time when I was so lost in despair at what I'd done to myself and my family through gambling that I was planning how to end it all.... I never could have imagined where I'd be right now.

It's ridiculous really, that I would be here.

And I'm not where I WANT To be, by any means.... but I won't stop trying :)



So I'll share...

I live in Louisiana, and about a year and a half ago, I found myself on the set of a tv show as an extra (long synchronistic story)... and I had a great time.

I did that a few times.  I LOVED it.  People get paid to be here?  The energy... well.. it's hard to describe what, exactly, the pull is... but i LOVED being there.  And wanted to do it all of the time.

But being an 'extra' wasn't that great sometimes.

And there are actors with minor roles... you know.. the lady in the parking lot, or the nurse who has a few lines....

I don't want to be a movie-star... but I'd LOVE to have small roles here and there... to do it on a regular basis.

So I started taking acting classes.

Most of the people in the classes are in their early 20's and plan to move to Hollywood at some point.

Me, I like my life.
I'm staying put... and like I said... I don't ever want people to know my name or ask for an autograph.

And I'm discovering lots of things about myself.

My current mantra is 'If I'm afraid to do it, then I must.'

So I don't know if it's gonna happen.
I imagine most people think I'm having a mid-life crisis.  Most women my age that are doing this have been acting in theater, or working toward this for many years.

But I am not gonna stop trying.
I'm not.

So for the past year and half, I have been in one acting class or another.  I've got a private coach that I work with weekly.  I have signed with an agent and a manager... have auditioned for quite a few really cool shows/movies (not booking any, mind you)... but this week I am working on a pretty big local commercial.  Lots of people auditioned for this role in several states... and I booked it.

It's weird tho.
When I DON'T book... I feel like I just missed out on a great opportunity... but then when I DO book, I feel like it isn't THAT big of a deal.

That's sort of twisted.
Yeah... learning lots about myself.

Anyway.... it is unTHINKable that people will be making a COMMISSION off of MY ACTING work?  what?

When I signed with my agent, my paperwork had instructions to mail in three self-address stamped envelopes so that they could use them to forward my checks.

I did not do that.
Because it seemed ridiculous that they would ever forward me a check.

So even though I didn't BELIEVE it was going to happen... I thought it COULD... and I never stopped trying.


So now... I need to get those SASE in the mail to the agency :)


Even if you think you can't.
Know that it MIGHT be possible.

And never stop trying to stop.

You are sooooo worth it.

It's YOUR life.

You only get one.

So far as I know.

xo

Love,
Peg

Suicide

It's not a subject I have taken on here before because I'm just not qualified... and 'we' are too fragile... and..well... I don't want to say the wrong thing.

But it appears that Robin Williams has done it.


I'm really struggling with this post... I keep typing and deleting.


The only time I have ever seriously considered taking my life was when I was gambling and I couldn't stop and I was ashamed and so regretful of what I'd done financially to my family.

But I REALLY considered it.  Planned it.

I NEVER would have thought that *I* would have entertained such thoughts.
No one would've.

But I was SO ALONE.
Oh, there were people all around me.... but I wasn't with them.

You know.

And.... I really didn't see much point in going on anyway.  Not for them... certainly not for ME.


I am telling you that things change.
Circumstances can change.
YOU can change.

and you can feel differently.
you can feel better.
you can be happy.


I know.  I wasn't sure that I even WANTED to back then.

But life is worth living.
Maybe not the life you're living right this minute.

But there are so many possibilities for the future.

Reach out.
Alone is too lonely.
You are worth it.

You.
Are.
Worth.
It.

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

List of Worldwide Suicide Crisis Lines http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines


Online Crisis Help

https://www.imalive.org/

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/gethelp/lifelinechat.aspx


Much Love,
Peg

Looking back...

One of the reasons it was so hard for me to stop was because by the time I *HAD* to, my life was a complete wreck.

I had isolated myself from the people who cared for me... and those that WERE still in my world, I had used and/or deceived in order to gamble... OR... I had just neglected them a great deal... so now that I had TIME for them... I was too ashamed to reach out and say 'OK, I'm ready to be me again'.

so I was alone.

And I didn't really have money to do things.... so... if I wanted to 'make up' with someone, it's not like I could call and say 'hey, let me take you to lunch...let's talk'.

I was constantly thinking about how bad everything was.  My financial situation, my relationships.

It was depressing.

Oh, but I knew how to feel BETTER!  Or rather, how not to feel at all.

Hey!  And maybe I could improve my financial situation at the same time?!

Right.

It was NOT easy to break free.
It was a mind game.
Or a mind WAR really.

And I wanted immediate results... 'I'm doing the right thing!  My world should be better... my life should be easier...it isn't fair!'

But then things got good for a while.
Or.. better anyway.

And then... I wasn't gambling... and some really BAD shit happened in my life.
Bad.
Hard.
Scary.

Then more bad stuff.
Then more.

Then things got good.

Then bad again.

Now they're good.

They will get bad again... then good... then bad... etc.

because that is what life is.

But not only did I get through the bad times (somehow)... I was present and able to deal with things.

I can even now say, that as painful as it is, that I became that person that I was when I was gambling... I am glad it happened... because the growth that occurred in the aftermath enabled me to deal with the things that were to come in a much better way than I might have otherwise.

We don't get to choose lots of things in this life... but some things we DO get to choose.

We get to choose who we are going to BE.

And that is a lot.

Do the next right thing.
Then the next.

xo

On being alone...

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

These days I go through some periods of time where whatever responsibilities I do have, don't require me to leave the house much.

It's a pleasure to not have to work full time outside of the home.... not have to deal with traffic... or even get dressed if I don't wanna!

And I don't live alone... my husband comes home each evening around 6... my (now grown) children live here and are in and out of the house.

But I have a study just off of the master bedroom.... and that's where I tend to spend the majority of my day when I can.

It's nice.  Beautiful even... a space created by me, for me, and I enjoy living in it.

However, even though I know that I should 'enjoy my own company' blah blah blah... I often find myself feeling very 'disconnected' and alone.   No, lonely.

I'll check facebook on and off throughout the day... and people are doing things... and I don't really feel a 'part of' any of it.

It's somewhat surprising (to me) to think that someone like me... with many acquaintances and quite a few very good close friends... and also a pretty close-knit extended family, can begin to get depressed in my alone-ness, given my circumstances.

And it IS a form of depression, in a very real sense.  Sometimes worse than others.

Then... I'll suddenly have a day where I need to get out and accomplish some things in the world, and I'll get dressed and put on makeup and go do my thing.... and even if I'm very very busy at home....
I FEEL better.

I get busy and I don't know (or care) what's going on on face-book... I'm just doing my thing...living my life.


When I was working full-time out of the house I could not have comprehended this... I SOOOO needed down-time.

And I still look forward to the days that I have down-time and can stay home.  But having too many in a row isn't so good for me, I think.


It's quite different, but it reminds me of the time, after having quit gambling...when I didn't have anything to fill the time that I had previously spent sitting at a machine.

For so long, I had abandoned my friendships for gambling... and suddenly I was alone.

It is so important to fill our time... to busy ourselves with something meaningful to us.

For a while, after I stopped gambling, having newfound free-time, I decided to volunteer at a Hospice Organization.

That was sad and hard... but it also felt good.
To make a difference for someone.

If you've got time on your hands and are trying to figure out how to fill it, I highly recommend volunteering somewhere.

Actually... I have lots that I SHOULD be doing (around here)... I just sometimes lack the motivation to begin :(

So I'm going to take my own advice now and get busy.
You matter.
Me too :)

Gambling is now officially an addiction?

When I first started blogging I was trying to figure out what the HELL happened to me.

The lying, cheating, stealing woman I had become was so far from who I really was or anything that I'd ever done.

I was a stranger to myself.

In the midst of my gambling, I couldn't see it... I mean, I was aware that I was lying and cheating and stealing and neglecting my loved ones... but my brain was making all sorts of justifications for it.

You know.

Anyway... once I acknowledged that I wasn't OK... I was trying to figure out HOW this happened?  It was insane.

ANDDDD... I needed to know that I could get better.

Could I?

I was told will power wasn't enough.

If WANTING to get better isn't enough.... then WHAT IS?
What do I do?
Can I do it?
Has anyone?

Then I started finding information... AND I was referred to a Dr., who taught me that I had a BRAIN problem.....

I spent lots of time researching that... and withdrawing.... and trying to LIVE WITHOUT GAMBLING.

And eventually I got to a point where I don't NEED to be online hours every day... trying to get better.

I'm better.

Which means I get to LIVE.

Does 'being better' mean that I can gamble now?
For me, it means it doesn't matter... I don't want to (and I'm sure I cannot, by the way).

It's still a part of who I am.... this happened to me, and it was HUGE... I gambled away too many years and more money than I can count.... I shall not forget.  ever.

But I don't know what's going on anymore.
I don't google it.
Don't follow the news.

I'm doing other things.

So someone commented on my previous blog and  shared  an interesting article published in Scientific American in October 2013 which states that as of May 2013 Pathological gambling has been moved to the Addictions chapter in the DSM-5 (previously it was classified as an 'impulse-control disorder')

 http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-the-brain-gets-addicted-to-gambling/


Thank you, quiet, for sharing that.

And to you, dear reader.
You are not bad.
You are not stupid.
You are not weak.
You are not alone.

YOU.
CAN.
DO.
THIS!

Who are you?

There is no way we can start something new without getting rid of something old.

There are 24 hours in each of our days.

Every moment is filled with SOMETHING.... so if we're gonna start something new.... what will we stop doing?

And.... if we STOP doing something... what NEW THING will we fill that time with?

That's a big problem for many of us when we begin the process of stopping gambling.

Our routine is to spend quite a bit of time doing this thing... and now.... we are trying NOT to do this thing... but what to do with all of that time?

Everyone's circumstances are different, but often times, we have isolate ourselves for awhile... and/or have pissed people off....
AND... generally, when we begin the process of stopping gambling, we are broke (or beyond broke).  We don't usually stop until we must.

So that's tough.  We've got no money and we've got no friends.... and we're looking for something to do.

oh... plus... we feel like SHIT... because we're just waking up to the fact that we've made a mess of things.

and having no money and no friends and nothing to do will really make you want to gamble when you finally DO get your hands on a few bucks.

hugs.

it's hard, I know.

So.....

I have an idea.

It may sound ridiculous, or boring at first... but hear me out.


My husband started on the project over a month ago... and *I* thought it was ridiculous and boring... although HE would sometimes get quite excited about it (I have seen others do this as well from time to time and have never understood it).... and then, one night, I decided to help him for a bit... and OMG... I was hooked.  (I'm obsessive, OK?  You should know that by now.)

I'll get all excited sometimes and share something with him... and he said the other day "Why is it that when *I* was doing this, it was silly... and now that YOU'RE doing it, it's cool?"

:)

So yesterday morning I was thinking about this 'project' and how it's affecting me.  And it IS.
And that is surprising.

I feel more

well

important?

no, not important.
well, sort of important.

but... connected.
sort of.

Lots of things really, but it's hard to put words to it (at least right now).

Lots of feelings that I really could've used when I was beginning to stop gambling.  Anytime really, but particularly then.

But.... when you sit down to do it... it is interesting and challenging and rewarding and it takes TIME.

AND... if you have funds, you can do it better.... but without money, you can still do it.... AND... you just might be able to rekindle some of your relationships in the process.

We are tracing our family tree.  Genealogy.  Ancestry.

If you can go back to 1940 or so (manually)... you can find stuff on the internet prior to that.

Well, depending on the people, you can find all sorts of things at any given time... and some people... almost nothing (or nothing at all).

I've traveled down a few wrong paths... and right now I'm questioning one that I can only get answered through a family member (and there's only one family member left who can help me).

Some of my ancestors are actually documented in books... founders of this country.
Some fought the Indians.
They fought on both sides of the civil war.
Some were very poor.
Some owned slaves.
Quite a bit of secrecy.... young women going off to different states to deliver babies that they gave up for adoption.
A divorcee' that called herself a widow on the following census.
A widow who was so hurt (and/or angry) by the way she was treated by her in-laws after her husbands death, she changed the way she spelled her last name (dropped the silent E at the end) to symbolically remove herself from their family.

When I'm researching... I pick a person and I start to dig.
Sometimes I come up blank, sometimes I learn TONS of things (especially if someone else on the web has already researched this person and made their info public).

I like it when a person has lots of info available.  Photos.  Stories.

It doesn't really mean they lived a more important life than someone who isn't well documented.  It only means... that someone who knew them still had their info and for whatever reason has taken the time to gather it (umm... in some cases now, that person is ME)... and put it on a public family tree.

There are some really awesome people on my tree that I can't find ANYTHING on.

Their lives were no less amazing than some of the well documented lives here.... but their 'block on the tree' would make it seem so.

Every one of them matter.
Without them I wouldn't be here.
Maybe our country wouldn't be here...
But surely I wouldn't... my children wouldn't.

Pluck one of these people out of the picture and how would the world be different?

Maybe.... it gives me the same sort of feeling I get when I stand at the shore, feet in the sand, looking out over water that seems to go on forever.....

Like I'm very small and insignificant.... and very big and important at the same time.

One is too many....

So I was browsing old blog entries and I saw where I wrote about dual addiction (and smoking) on Jan 2, 2013.

I'm sad to say I'm struggling to quit smoking, yet again.

I started as a teen... then, in my 20's, I quit.

I stayed quit for seven years.

Then... in the final weeks of my mothers' life... I picked it back up again.

And smoked for years...again.

Then, in 2012, I finally freed myself.

And I stayed free for over a year.

Then... last summer... I did a stupid thing.

and I couldn't stop.

It's crazy... because I was soooo happy to be free of it.
It's a nasty thing to do... I know this.  And it's harmful in many ways, blah blah blah

yet I smoke.

I have decided I'm going to quit this week.
I'm going on a trip this weekend with non-smokers, so it should be easy.  (easier).

So I decided that when I finished the pack I was smoking, I was done.

But I was out this morning and I bought another.


So, I've finally come to accept that I am NOT one of those people who can just 'have a cigarette or two' when they are drinking... I am addicted to nicotine.... and if I pick up a cigarette, I fall right back into my addiction.

So now I must quit again.

I know I can.
I have done it before.

I also know that it's a mind game.
I need to decide to choose that I am really really done.
and be done.
and do whatever I need to do to stay done.

Hell, if I can quit gambling, I can quit anything.  Yes?

I don't ever want to have to quit again.
Not smoking... ESPECIALLY not gambling.

"One is too many and a hundred's not enough."

My way

I can't gamble...Ever.

After several years of abstinence, I thought I could control my gambling.

I can't.

I'll always be an addict... but I no longer suffer.  Gambling does not control me.  Fear of gambling/the need to abstain no longer controls me either.

Gambling was once the center of my life... then, for a time... my life revolved around NOT gambling... but now, I actually HAVE a life.

Gambling is not a part of it.  Struggling to keep from gambling isn't a part of it either.

For me, NOW... recovery means LIVING... becoming the best ME that I can be.

In my despair, I finally reached out for help. 

I was looking for someone to teach me how to CONTROL my gambling... Techniques that would help me to STOP when I was winning... I did NOT want to hear that I could NEVER gamble again.

That was unthinkable.

When I finally decided I was REALLY ready to stop... I wanted a set of instructions.... and there ARE some really good suggestions for achieving/maintaining abstinence... but it's not a real clear.. do THIS and then do that and all will be well.

There's a lot to it, and while others can guide and teach you... you really have to, ultimately, figure it out for yourself.

Because it's about LIVING.

Still.... I wanted those instructions... something I could do right away... and I wanted to see some progress.

I did tons of reading and research and I decided that working on my 'character defects' was something I could do RIGHT NOW.

I'm not sure that character defects is the reason I'm an addict.  That would mean I'm an addict because I'm bad.

Everyone has character defects.

Are 'bad people' more likely to be addicts?  I don't think so.

BUTTTTTTT... if I decided not to lie, not to steal (I did... from my family... using money that should have been spent on other things, even though LEGALLY I had a right to it)...

If I just decided to do the NEXT RIGHT THING... then I couldn't possibly gamble.

Because gambling is never the right thing (for ME) to do.


I see people who are fighting to not gamble, sometimes criticize people 'in recovery' stating "I want to RECOVER... I don't want to be IN RECOVERY for the rest of my life"  or they state that people "in recovery" have traded one addiction for another...

I say, who cares what they do... if that's what they need to do to not gamble/to have their life... YAY THEM!!

I just know what I want MY recovery... MY life to look like... I don't have to call anyone else's way 'wrong'... it's just not MINE.  If it's working for them, it cannot be wrong.  It's right for them :)


Some of those people "in recovery" will say that I am SO VERY WRONG... and that you can't pick and choose how you want to recover... that you must do this and that...

and to them, I say,  'OK'.


Then I live my life...my way.


xoxoxo

Hello again.

From time to time people reach out to me, asking me to update the blog...wanting an update.

I imagine that is mostly about 'are you still gamble-free?'... because when I was stuck in the cycle of the nightmare and couldn't imagine ever being free of it (if I COULD get out of the cycle... I was sure that the DESIRE to gamble would remain)... and... I thought "is that REALLY free?"

and g.a. basically told me (or what I understood from it) was that I'd always be 'sick'.... hmmmm but I COULD be 'OK' if I turned my life over to a power greater than myself.

that was a pretty scary time for me... because I really didn't believe that I could ever be OK, or, God forbid, HAPPY... no matter WHAT I did.... but if turning my life over to ... God? was going to be required, I was pretty screwed, because I didn't believe in that shit.


I tried to learn everything I could about all different types of recovery.... and tried to understand how on earth this could've happened to MEEEEEEE....

but most of all, I was seeking people who had some degree of success. 

If THEY could do it... then it was possible.

And If that is what you're here searching for, then I want to tell you YESSSS... I AM still living my life... free of gambling.. and SO CAN YOU.  There, I said it.  YES people are doing it.  YES it's possible.  Yes, you can be OK.

But it wasn't easy.

My life looks so different now than it did ten years ago.
It isn't perfect.... but that's OK.

I was watching something the other day....  OH!  It was http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability  (you should watch... Ted Talks are great!)... but in one part, she talks about people "numbing"... (I'm improvising here)....and how some people turn to drugs or alcohol or whatever... to numb themselves from pain.. BUT the problem with numbing is that when you do... you are also numb to all of the GOOD stuff.

Ya know... when people are searching for a way out of the gambling-til-I-die cycle, it is usually because they are in a great deal of pain DUE TO gambling.... and they THINK that if they can break free that life will be wonderful... that ALL problems will be solved if they can just stop....
and that's just not possible... there's generally financial problems that must be faced and cleaned up... and then just the random shit that life throws at you.  People you love will die, or leave you, blah blah blah blah.  No it's NOT all good.
But there is a LOT of good.
Sometimes you have to look real hard for it.... or you have to LEARN to look for it... ahhh yes... GRATITUDE.

Ha!  At one point, the 'slogans' so commonly used in recovery irritated me.
But, in fact, these sayings became slogans because they are TRUE.

Nothing  changes if nothing changes.
Feelings are not facts.
Take one day at a time.

These things are not about recovery (for me).  They are about LIFE.
These truths apply to all human beings in all circumstances, not just to addicts/people in 'recovery'.

I love Eckhart Tolle.... practicing 'being present'.  When I am staying in the moment, I am AWARE... and when I become aware.. I seem to have so much... (even if it isn't what I want)... I have no choice but to be grateful.

Clean water!  what a blessing... everyone doesn't have that.
Soap!
A Toilet!
WALLS!

So I'm rambling.

The truth is, for the past day and a half or so I've had a crying spell.  (I'm fine.  It's silly 'problems').
So I was trying to recall... WHEN was the last time I cried?  Really cried.
I can't remember.

Then I woke up this morning remembering a time when I had those days, for no particular reason, out of the blue, pretty often.  In early recovery it happened a lot.  I would be very emotional... I wrote about mood swings quite a few times here.  They were disturbing... so much emotion over something that was CLEARLY not worthy of so much distress.

ha!  funny that when I am elated for NO GOOD reason, I don't question that!
lol

Anyway... this world is full of possibilities.  Possibilities for YOU.  Probably many you haven't even considered... but if you're spending all of your time numbing... and cleaning up the messes you've created.. and covering your tracks... and trying to figure out how to keep on numbing.....

you'll be missing all the REAL stuff that you can and should be spending your life doing.

you control that.
whatever you think, whatever you've been told... if you can or you can't 'get better'.. whatever you believe about that... just DO it.

really.
you're the only one who can.

and you can.

and *I* feel better now too.  Thanks for being here.

Love,
Peg