It Gets Worse.

That's the bottom line.

If you are here because you are gambling and you're in trouble (financially... with relationships... with the law... whatever)...

Know that it will get worse.


When I attended my first GA meeting... I cried the entire time.  I was scared.  I was in trouble.  I was desperate for help.

I didn't see how things could get any worse.


I didn't like what I heard at that meeting, and I did not return for several years (I think?)...

and when I DID return....

things were SO MUCH WORSE.


I'm not pushing GA here.
I'm not pushing anything.

I'm just saying....

there are two options.

Stop gambling.
or it will get worse.


Now I know we can't 'just stop'.

But then... that is exactly what we MUST do.



The thing is...

when I was gambling... my BRAIN was not OK.

If you aren't a gambler, you won't understand that... and if you are a gambler who has never been able to stop for more than a month or two, you may not understand that either....

but... after three months... after SIX months of not gambling.... my brain started changing... becoming somewhat normal again...

and the more time I had, gamble-free... the more normalized I was.


So here's the kicker.... while your brain is all-messed-up and doing everything it can to keep you gambling... you must somehow,  using your brain (which is hell-bent on gambling) to stop.

ugh.

It's like telling a man with paralyzed legs that the only way he can get better is to walk.

except

it's not.


you know, I used to get frustrated because people wouldn't just tell me HOW.
If I just had a set of rules, guidelines, a prescription for how to get better I would do it!

but... no one would do that for me.


They can't.

I can't.


I would tell you if I knew.

On many occasions, in this blog, I have tried.
There are many examples here, of things that I did, that contributed to my success in gaining freedom.


what I DO know... is that it's possible.
No matter what ANYONE tells you about the odds of quitting for good (oh, the irony in that!)...
it CAN be done and YOU can do it.

and that if people who have an out-of-control gambling problem do not stop, it WILL get worse.


Take care of you.
Peg

Let's meet at the casino???

Wow.

So I started a new acting class a few weeks ago, and in this class, we are assigned a new scene to perform with another actor every week. 

It's like doing a play, only you're performing one small scene.

You are required to meet with your scene partner to rehearse.

So yesterday, my partner and I were trying to schedule that, when we realized that HE lives nearly an hour from class... and I live 30 minutes from class... in opposite directions.

ugh.

so we are texting... and he says... could we meet at the casino?



WHAT!!!????

Not a coffee shop or a café?

the CASINO???!

who does that?

*I* know who does that.

People who are 'at home' at the casino.

***
I am trying not to be difficult here.... and I have been completely unavailable to rehearse for the past four days and we are running out of time.... so I need to be agreeable and get this done.
***

And... I will, from time to time,  go to a casino.

I have.
I'm sure I will again.

But when I go there is a REASON to be there... generally speaking, a concert.

I take care to keep myself 'safe' when I do that.

I'm not going to go to a casino if I don't really NEED to be there.


Anyway... I suggest another location.

We end up talking on the phone.
He is curious about my not wanting to go to the casino.
Like... 'what's the problem?'
He has met there with another actor in the past to rehearse.  It was fine.

"I don't go to casinos."
"I'm a big gambler." he says.
"Yeah.  I used to be."

It wasn't uncomfortable to say this... aside from not wanting to be difficult.


We met at another location.  It was fine.

These days, I don't crave it and I don't fear it. I don't think casinos are evil.  But I have a healthy respect that there is something in my brain that has and can easily 'change' because of those places... and I don't ever want to have to quit gambling again.

So I do what I have to do to take care of me.

Making sense of the most unthinkable things

A local furniture store has just pressed charges against thier store manager for stealing several hundred thousand dollars over the past 6 years.

As I read the article and viewed her photo, the first thing that came to mind was... 'she was probably gambling'.

Later, the article came across my facebook newsfeed and I read the comments.  The store is in a small town, so several of the comments came from people who knew or recognized the woman... and sure enough, one of the comments said 'She was gambling all of the time'.

If I had been in a job where I had the opportunity... this could very easily have been me... even though, in my RIGHT mind, I would never think of stealing.

You know... you've gambled away the money that you needed to pay bills... and you KNOW that you can 'put it right back'... so you 'borrow' a little.

Then you can't put it back, and realize that you should've taken a little more.... because if you only had enough to PLAY with... you would surely 'hit'... and all would be well.

and so it begins.

I'm not saying it's OK.
It's NOT ok.

but damn... I feel for her.

I know how powerful this shit is and how mucked up my thinking was back then.

***

I KNOW that... now that I'm thinking clearly and living a 'normal' life... I am often telling you that 'You can DO this!'  and you CAN... and I'm NOT trying to make it sound easy.

It's NOT easy.

But it's sooooo important, that even though it may be the most difficult thing you ever do... you MUST.

***

This robs us of our money, our time, our loved ones, our self-respect, our retirement, our homes and even our personal FREEDOM.... it will take everything that we are if we let it.

***

I KNOW it isn't easy to stop.
I KNOW that after we stop, it still sucks.... because we've made a mess of our lives and now THAT must be addressed.

yeah I know.
I do.

but I also KNOW that it's POSSIBLE to be free.

and we deserve that.
we deserve to have a life.
and we really don't when we are 'in it'.


but we can.
you can.

YOU CAN!

The time we wasted....

I have a friend who sometimes sends me interesting things she finds online and she just sent me something that I'd like to share with you.

Regardless of age, most of us feel that we wasted a lot of time gambling... oh.. and the 'sunk costs' is interesting too.  :)


The link to the original post is here. ... but I'll paste it, in the event that it goes away

"Life Advice: I am in my late 20s, and feel I have wasted a lot of time. Is it too late?"

Reply;  

Too late for what?  

If you slept through your 26th birthday, it's too late for you to experience that. It's too late for you to watch "LOST" in its premiere broadcast. (Though, honestly, you didn't miss much.) It's too late for you to fight in the Vietnam War. It's too late for you to go through puberty or attend nursery school. It's too late for you to learn a second language as proficiently as a native speaker. It's probably too late for you to be breastfed.  

It's not too late for you to fall in love.  

It's not too late for you to have kids. 

It's not too late for you to embark on an exciting career or series of careers.  

It's not too late for you to read the complete works of Shakespeare; learn how to program computers; learn to dance; travel around the world; go to therapy; become an accomplished cook; sky dive; develop an appreciation for jazz; write a novel; get an advanced degree; save for your old age; read "In Search of Lost Time"; become a Christian, then an atheist, then a Scientologist; break a few bones; learn how to fix a toilet; develop a six-pack ... 

Honestly, I'm 47, and I'll say this to you, whippersnapper: you're a fucking kid, so get over yourself. I'm a fucking kid, too. I'm almost twice your age, and I'm just getting started! My dad is in his 80s, and he wrote two books last year.  

You don't get to use age as an excuse. Get off your ass! 

Also, learn about what economists call "sunk costs." If I give someone $100 on Monday, and he spends $50 on candy, he'll probably regret that purchase on Tuesday. In a way, he'll still think of himself as a guy with $100—half of which is wasted.  

What he really is is a guy with $50, just as he would be if I'd handed him a fifty-dollar bill. A sunk cost from yesterday should not be part of today's equation. What he should be thinking is this: "What should I do with my $50?" 

What you are isn't a person who has wasted 27 years. You are a person who has X number of years ahead of you. What are you going to do with them?

Whether you think you can or you think you can't.....

So this post really isn't about gambling.
Or not gambling.

It's about how something can seem impossible.
Or... maybe it's possible for SOME people... but it isn't possible for ME.

And then....it IS happening.

Now sometimes that is because...well... things just happen.

But for other things.... it takes effort.

Hard work, determination, change.

And it's HARD to suffer... to work really hard... to sacrifice.......when you reallyyyy don't think a thing is achievable.

It's much easier to accept that you cannot reach your goal and stop trying.

But.
what.
the.
hell?????

I've got ONE life.

At least, as far as I know I only get one shot at this.

This is it.

One day I will be gone.
It'll all be over.

I look around me and I see all sorts of remarkable stories about people who have achieved unthinkable things.

Why.
not.
me?

They SAY... that what those people have in common is that they BELIEVED that they could.  They KNEW it...

"Whether you think you can or you think you can't--you're right." -- Henry Ford

I guess when people 'think they can' they don't stop trying.

*I* think... that you only have to think it's POSSIBLE... and NEVER STOP TRYING.



When I look back at my life... especially at the time when I was so lost in despair at what I'd done to myself and my family through gambling that I was planning how to end it all.... I never could have imagined where I'd be right now.

It's ridiculous really, that I would be here.

And I'm not where I WANT To be, by any means.... but I won't stop trying :)



So I'll share...

I live in Louisiana, and about a year and a half ago, I found myself on the set of a tv show as an extra (long synchronistic story)... and I had a great time.

I did that a few times.  I LOVED it.  People get paid to be here?  The energy... well.. it's hard to describe what, exactly, the pull is... but i LOVED being there.  And wanted to do it all of the time.

But being an 'extra' wasn't that great sometimes.

And there are actors with minor roles... you know.. the lady in the parking lot, or the nurse who has a few lines....

I don't want to be a movie-star... but I'd LOVE to have small roles here and there... to do it on a regular basis.

So I started taking acting classes.

Most of the people in the classes are in their early 20's and plan to move to Hollywood at some point.

Me, I like my life.
I'm staying put... and like I said... I don't ever want people to know my name or ask for an autograph.

And I'm discovering lots of things about myself.

My current mantra is 'If I'm afraid to do it, then I must.'

So I don't know if it's gonna happen.
I imagine most people think I'm having a mid-life crisis.  Most women my age that are doing this have been acting in theater, or working toward this for many years.

But I am not gonna stop trying.
I'm not.

So for the past year and half, I have been in one acting class or another.  I've got a private coach that I work with weekly.  I have signed with an agent and a manager... have auditioned for quite a few really cool shows/movies (not booking any, mind you)... but this week I am working on a pretty big local commercial.  Lots of people auditioned for this role in several states... and I booked it.

It's weird tho.
When I DON'T book... I feel like I just missed out on a great opportunity... but then when I DO book, I feel like it isn't THAT big of a deal.

That's sort of twisted.
Yeah... learning lots about myself.

Anyway.... it is unTHINKable that people will be making a COMMISSION off of MY ACTING work?  what?

When I signed with my agent, my paperwork had instructions to mail in three self-address stamped envelopes so that they could use them to forward my checks.

I did not do that.
Because it seemed ridiculous that they would ever forward me a check.

So even though I didn't BELIEVE it was going to happen... I thought it COULD... and I never stopped trying.


So now... I need to get those SASE in the mail to the agency :)


Even if you think you can't.
Know that it MIGHT be possible.

And never stop trying to stop.

You are sooooo worth it.

It's YOUR life.

You only get one.

So far as I know.

xo

Love,
Peg