Friday, August 8, 2014

Looking back...

One of the reasons it was so hard for me to stop was because by the time I *HAD* to, my life was a complete wreck.

I had isolated myself from the people who cared for me... and those that WERE still in my world, I had used and/or deceived in order to gamble... OR... I had just neglected them a great deal... so now that I had TIME for them... I was too ashamed to reach out and say 'OK, I'm ready to be me again'.

so I was alone.

And I didn't really have money to do things.... so... if I wanted to 'make up' with someone, it's not like I could call and say 'hey, let me take you to lunch...let's talk'.

I was constantly thinking about how bad everything was.  My financial situation, my relationships.

It was depressing.

Oh, but I knew how to feel BETTER!  Or rather, how not to feel at all.

Hey!  And maybe I could improve my financial situation at the same time?!

Right.

It was NOT easy to break free.
It was a mind game.
Or a mind WAR really.

And I wanted immediate results... 'I'm doing the right thing!  My world should be better... my life should be easier...it isn't fair!'

But then things got good for a while.
Or.. better anyway.

And then... I wasn't gambling... and some really BAD shit happened in my life.
Bad.
Hard.
Scary.

Then more bad stuff.
Then more.

Then things got good.

Then bad again.

Now they're good.

They will get bad again... then good... then bad... etc.

because that is what life is.

But not only did I get through the bad times (somehow)... I was present and able to deal with things.

I can even now say, that as painful as it is, that I became that person that I was when I was gambling... I am glad it happened... because the growth that occurred in the aftermath enabled me to deal with the things that were to come in a much better way than I might have otherwise.

We don't get to choose lots of things in this life... but some things we DO get to choose.

We get to choose who we are going to BE.

And that is a lot.

Do the next right thing.
Then the next.

xo








2 comments:

quiet said...

Thank you :)

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you're posting about this addiction. Its so hard to break. I'm nearing my 30th birthday and I just want to spend the next few months putting this disease behind me. Its taken too much of my life, my time, money, and energy. I'm fed up!