Sunday, May 3, 2015

How I roll...

It was easy to write here when I was in a lot of pain... or even the pain had subsided but the memory of it was still fresh and very real.

It's been over eight years now since I pulled myself from that hell.

Everything about my life, about me, is different now.  I've said that before.

I often think of things that I'd like to blog about but I'm so full of joy right now.. and when I think of how badly I felt when I was googling/finding things like this blog... I'm not sure I'd have wanted to hear anyone going on and on about how great their life was... when I was ready to end mine.

But life is full of ups and downs... whether we gamble or not.  No doubt, some tragedy will befall me at some point and my bliss will come to an end.

I do try to stay in the moment and just enjoy 'what is'.... God knows I've had my share of time at the other end of the spectrum... I try to just stay in my happiness... while it's here.  but that's hard.

Isn't that WEIRD?

When I'm miserable I just want to be happy.
When I'm happy I'm worried that I'll become miserable again.

Yah... trying to stay in the moment.


I continue to make new observations... discoveries about myself.  Honestly, the things I realize are probably obvious to most everyone who knows me but I go about my life completely unaware... until I see.

I've gone on and on here about how busy I always am.

How I never have enough time to do everything that I'm supposed to do and I always feel frantic and rushed.

Always.  I mean... that's how my life has been for YEARS.  As long as I can remember.

Well... I've been cast in a play.  My first time ever on stage (unless you're counting elementary school... which I'm not).

The theater is an hour and a half drive from my home... and we practice all day Saturday and Sunday and two evenings during the week... until the play opens... then I'll be there every evening performing.

I have a LOT of lines to learn.
Plus... auditions as they come up (I shot a commercial last week!).

So I have cleared my calendar of EVERYTHING ELSE.

I actually did that two weeks BEFORE we began this crazy schedule... so for two weeks... aside from learning my lines... I did little else.

I had ALL of this TIME on my hands... and did little to nothing that was productive.

And the mail is stacked up on the kitchen counter.

and often times the kitchen was a wreck.

I have cooked pretty much every day for my family... but really... that's about it.

I spent a day shooting the commercial and the next day I got an audition request for a great role OUT OF TOWN.  I had to catch a plane... in and out same day... then as soon as I returned... get to play rehearsal blah blah blah

I started freaking out... how am I going to do all of this?

and suddenly I got my butt moving.
cleaning up... doing laundry... running the errands I had been putting off... taking care of my responsibilities.

and I realized... that...this is how I roll.

If I have 'too much' to do... I panic... get this adrenalin rush and I do what must be done... and if I have no sense of urgency.... I just.... nothing.

So perhaps I must live this crazy hectic life... in order to accomplish anything at all.

Or maybe.... realizing this... is one step closer to fixing it.

Have a great day.
Love yourself.
Take care of yourself the best that you can.

You deserve it.


Anonymous said...

I know you haven't updated your blog lately (2015) and hope you are ok or on your way. I am relatively new to this problem but has affected by life greatly already. (in a bad way)

Thank you for your blog and sharing, plus the encouragement you provide. its not easy but I have to get my life back on track

good luck and God bless to us

Anonymous said...

You have given me hope. Thank you!