Fill the void.

we cannot stop gambling...and not fill that time with something else....there is a vaccum....most of us don't REMEMBER what we used to do with our time when we were still 'normal'...

the years that i gambled...i sort of lost who i was...no..not sort of...i REALLY lost who i was....

I didn’t know what I enjoyed doing…or

The fact is…I DIDN’t enjoy anything any more…aside from gambling….I could not SIT STILL….

I know that…right this minute my problem is the opposite…I’m overwhelmed….too much on my plate….but most of us..myself included…when we first stop gambling….have lots of time to kill….too much space….and no idea what to do with it.

We’ve isolated….so are removed from our friends….we are lonely and bored…a recipe for disaster.

So we have to find healthy things to do….exercise…catch up on correspondence…make a phone call that you’ve been putting off for months…or write a REAL-OLD FASHIONED- LETTER!!!
Put the shoe box of photos into an album…rent that movie that you’ve been wanting to see…read a book…go to a gambler’s anonymous meeting…get a second job…..or…better yet….do something for someone ELSE.

It’s not necessary to change the world…or even OUR OWN LIVES today….we just need to do one little thing….one thing that will mean filling some time…right now.

Something that will take us one step closer..to where we want to be.

Heredity -- Breaking the Cycle

April 15, 2002 was the day that the sh*t hit the fan at my house.

My world was crashing in…and I actually had to admit to another human being what I’d done..what I’d been doing…the financial devastation that I’d caused…not only to myself…but to HIM…and to my children.

My boys were young…9 and 10 years old…I brought them to a friends’ home so that I could break the news.

They knew that something was terribly wrong when I picked them up from school… I was a wreck…of course…I was a wreck quite often back in those days..but ordinarily I was TRYING to appear more or less normal….not this day….there was no pretending…I was…

Well

I had been trying for a few weeks…to find a way out….death….was the only answer that made any sense…none of this could be repaired…it was just too much…I was such a disappointment…such a failure….who could love me…or better yet…why???

I didn’t deserve it anyway…look what I’d done.

Anyway….the boys knew that things were bad…and over the coming days they knew it was about money…we did not have the money that we needed to pay taxes.

If they knew that it was my fault…it was only because they figured it out.

Things were different at our house for a long time.

My husband and I were…distant…for lack of a better word.

We were broke.

My children had never done without…now…they were beginning to hear ‘we cannot afford that’ quite a bit.

My husband was always complaining that we were broke…

The children worried aloud that we were poor.

I began attending gambler’s anonymous….I have attended meetings off and on for the past 6 years…never more than one meeting per week…and when I’d go..I’d simply say that I was going to a meeting… I’m involved in many organizations and they never questioned ‘what kind’ of meeting.

I’m sure they’ve seen literature laying around..g.a. literature or just general addiction/recovery type stuff…I don’t leave it out on purpose, but I don’t really HIDE it either.

They’ve never asked.


So last week…my youngest son, now 14, is watching television…there was something on about poker…and he says to me “Mom, I’m a really good poker player…I win a lot..the only problem is…I never stop playing until all of my money is gone.”

I said “Yes…me too…that’s why I don’t play. They call that a compulsive gambler…people who cannot stop.”

We talked about it for a few more minutes…it wasn’t really that big of a deal…it wasn’t like we were talking about something TERRIBLE…like an ADDICTION…

To be honest…it’s really NOT such a terrible thing, is it?

I’m just compulsive…..and since I KNOW that….I stay away…period…what’s the big deal?

So today….my son attended a school function…a fair….I dropped him off and gave him $20 to spend.

My oldest son and I picked him up several hours later.

He gets into the car…talking about his day…I asked if he spent his money…he says “oh yeah…but it’s a good thing I only had $20”

“why?”

“Because I have a gambling problem. So do all of my friends…all of us spent all of the money we had…so the people who had a LOT of money…just LOST a lot more money.”

My oldest son said “You have a GAMBLING problem?” and he laughed.

“Yeah…I do….I just keep playing and playing until I don’t have any more money left…and if I win money…I just keep playing until THAT is all gone.”

“Then don’t gamble.” He said.

“Yeah, I know.”

I tried not to say too much….more than a few words and the eyeballs start rolling at me…so I said that compulsive gambling is related to addictions..like alcoholism..and to obsessive compulsive disorders…and that people who are prone to compulsive gambling might also be prone to do OTHER things compulsively – like playing video games, for instance.

No comment….no eyes rolled either.

On the one hand…I think it’s crazy that our schools (RELIGIOUS SCHOOLS!!) not only ALLOW gambling, but PROMOTE it…even among our children….on the OTHER hand…

I’m glad that we have an open dialogue…and he is already learning lessons…about himself.

In 2002, when I first learned that heredity plays a part in addictions…Knowing…way back then that my younger son had that tendency…I asked a friend in recovery “How can I help my child?”

He said….”You’re doing it.”

Find your way to Happy

I see so many people who are abstinent, yet they still suffer.

Oh…many of us suffer for a long time after we stop gambling from the CONSEQUENCES of our gambling (debt, for example)…but…gambling ITSELF no longer causes me pain.

I used to think that…’recovery’ was somehow ‘dwelling’ on this addiction and would continue the suffering…keep me somehow… CONNECTED to this …suffering…and I just wanted to put it behind me….I don’t wanna be punished forever…attending meetings…reading literature…doing things DAILY about gambling.

I mean…if I am gonna be punished forever…if I am gonna suffer whether I gamble or not…why go thru all of the effort to stop…and stay stopped?

It is not NECESSARY to suffer always.

The thing is…for *ME*…and for many of the people that I’ve known who have relapsed…they are FINE….for a time…they wonder….how was I ever like that? I can’t believe I did all of those things when I gambled…blah blah blah..and they are FINE…

Until they’re not.

I was fine..until the CIRCUMSTANCES in my life began to overwhelm me…and when that happened…I KNEW where to find relief…I KNEW where to go..to get away from it all.

And that (gambling) worked….until it didn’t.

THIS time….I am aware that…yes, I am fine…and I really am…but I also know that if I don’t change ME…the way that I REACT to things…the way that I THINK about things…my COPING skills…my ability to RELAX…to CALM myself without introducing ARTIFICIAL means to do so….if I don’t make changes INSIDE of me..then the next time I get lonely, or stressed out or things start to fall apart … I will do the same things that I’ve ALWAYS done when I’ve felt lonely or stressed out..or when things fell apart.

I *NOW* know that…even though that (gambling) may sound reasonable….or even PLEASURABLE at the time….that the cost is far too high.

I’ve *ALSO* discovered..that…the THINGS that I am doing…’recovery’ related things…doesn’t have to FEEL bad.

As a matter of fact…the things that I am doing..that I am learning..are making my life SO much better…it is sort of EXCITING.

I have heard things all of my life….book titles…or sayings….things like “You have the power to change your life” or “The power of positive thinking” or “You can if you think you can” or “Stop Worrying and Stop Living” or “Don’t sweat the small stuff and it’s all small stuff” or “What to Say when you talk to Yourself” or “Success through a Positive Mental Attitude” or “Find Happiness from Within” or “You can Heal Your life” or “Change your thoughts; change your life” or that “You can Be whatever (or whoever) you CHOOSE to be”…

Those things….those things are FACTS….we don’t know it because we have never BELIEVED it….or INVESTIGATED the claims.

It sounds like pie in the sky…especially when we are at our lowest…when things seem so hopeless….when I was full of despair…if someone were to tell me to ‘look on the bright side’ or ‘count my blessings’ or that the things I was fretting about were ‘the small stuff’ well…it just wasn’t do-able…I could NOT do that…I could not IMAGINE a way that I could ever see a BRIGHT side….

But I do….there is one….

It doesn’t matter if it seems impossible.

TRY.

You are worth it.

Even if you don’t FEEL like you are worth it…even if you don’t THINK that you deserve to live a happy life….you ARE worth it..and you DO deserve to be happy.

TRY.

Making Improvements - Managing my life

I’ve been thinking….because of gambling my life had become unmanageable.

I’m not gambling any longer.

My life is manageable now…yet…I am still not managing it.

Well…I’m managing SOME things….and…the status of many things has improved simply because I’m no longer gambling….but SOME things….I just don’t do.

See…it wasn’t really possible for me to gamble the way that I was doing and keep all of the other aspects of my life in check. I neglected EVERYTHING else.

Then…when I stopped gambling…well…all of that ‘stuff’ is just too overwhelming…there is SO MUCH that needs to be done.

But that’s just one of the reasons I haven’t addressed them….

I have paperwork that’s long overdue.
Correspondence…mail and telephone…that I keep putting off.
All sorts of maintenance around the house…that I need to schedule then actually do…not to mention the closets that need to be addressed.

I put off things until they become a crisis…I just do not WANT to.

I’d much rather….do something else….or do nothing at all.

Slowly…I am beginning to take care of some of these things…..becoming responsible in the LITTLE things….in ALL things.

I have said over and over again…it is not about gambling.

I do NOT want to live a life full of drama and chaos.

I don’t have to any more.

Like everything else…it’s a process.

Slowly…..the unmanageable has become manageable…..and the manageable is beginning to actually be MANAGED.

Slowly.

I don’t have to fix everything today…I don’t have to get my whole life in order today…it is not possible, nor is it necessary….all I have to do today…is take small steps…just do small things that will contribute…to my having a better life.

Learning the hard way

So I was picking up my son today…I arrived a few minutes early and was waiting for school to let out when my phone rings…it is my OTHER son.... he is a bit older and I don’t drive him to and from school any more…he and his buddies are all beginning to drive…

So he calls to tell me that he is walking to the corner….there has been an accident…two of his best friends…kids that he’s known since he was a toddler…he’s going to see what happened.

I spoke to him a few times before I actually arrived there myself, about 40 minutes later…the driver was fine. The accident was his fault. The passenger was being cut from the vehicle. He was more or less conscious….when they finally removed him from the vehicle, he was screaming…his face was bruised, more than likely from the airbag…he had a neck brace and was strapped to a board….he was rushed to the hospital.

We live in the New Orleans area.

This is not a good place to be in need of medical attention these days. Our medical community is…well, frankly, it’s a mess since Katrina.

This kid…fifteen year old kid is the child of divorced parents. His father lives out of state. His mother happens to be out of town for a few days.

We get a call a while later. His right leg is broken in several places…they are operating on it now.

His pelvis is crushed…and so is his kidney (can a kidney be crushed? – we are getting our news via the grapevine..and that is the terminology that was used).

So I was talking to my boys about…how quickly things happen…how dangerous vehicles can be….how terrible it must feel to have hurt your friend…but….

How, in a moment,

our whole lives can change.

We talked about all sorts of things….how…he will likely be affected by this accident for the rest of his life. They rolled their eyes at me.

Those boys were on their way home from school. I said to my son…his friend…’just thirty minutes before that wreck, he was sitting in a classroom….never in his wildest dreams would he have thought that his life would be forever changed in a short while…..or that he’d be in surgery in an hour or two’

My son said “yeah…I had class with him earlier today….geez”

So I said…”that is one reason why it is so upsetting for me when we part and are still angry…..if we have a rough morning …well…it’s just not a good way to leave things….our circumstances can change drastically…things can happen..so quickly before we see each other again..or IF we see each other again.”

That may be the first time in months I’ve said more than five consecutive words without getting the eyes rolling back in the head.

It seems that most of the lessons we humans learn…we must learn the hard way.

I Need Help

Well...not today I don't....but...

Those may be the most difficult words for me to say.

I don't mean..help with 'things'...or 'chores'.... hmmmm well maybe that too....I guess...I just generally take care of things myself...even if help is readily available.

But...to say that I am not FEELING ok....that...I NEED comfort or reassurance feels so....? vulnerable?

Not weak really...although that may be a part of it too...not wanting to appear weak...or....more accurately...wanting to appear strong and together.

The fact is....I am (strong and together) most of the time...so when I am feeling emotionally 'needy' it is......

i don't know what it is.

maybe...it's not so much what OTHER people will think of me...although I imagine that is a part of it...but...maybe it's just not the way I see MYSELF.

I don't WANT to be vulnerable so if I pretend like I'm not, I won't be???

I have always been very protective of my feelings....when I was younger..dating...if I had the slightest idea that my boyfriend was tiring of me I'd dump him...better to dump than BE dumped.

I reached out yesterday...when I was upset ...on a support website that I frequent....I was worried about my son....was he allowing the incident to affect HIS whole day? how could he not? and...a teacher has been riding his *ss pretty hard...was he having a hard time at school ON TOP OF my slapping him? I didn't hit him that hard...I'm sure he was shocked more than anything...and his feelings were hurt...then of course...all of the doubts about being a 'good' mother....I *KNOW* that I am...but I do screw up from time to time...and I felt like this one of them....

I needed to hear that *I* was OK...and that HE was going to be OK....

I'm learning that...if I don't make my needs known...likely they won't be met.

Things that make my world better

I suffered over the incident all day…and evidently he was over it as soon as he got out of the car.

We had a family discussion – things will be better…at least for the short term….AND…I am going to focus on the things that *I* can change….I play a part in our dysfunctional mornings too.

Anyway

So I was thinking about all of this..about my day..and about how ‘recovery’ really isn’t about gambling at all (I keep SAYING that!)…it’s about learning how to LIVE in a healthier fashion…

And THAT reminded me of a conversation that I had recently….I had dinner with a childhood friend..we were catching up on each others lives..she is telling me a story and she says “so when I lay down that night and began to go thru my day…wondering what I could have done differently to make things better……..” she continued on with her story.

And I thought.

WOW.

A daily inventory?

She’s not in ‘recovery’.

She doesn’t work any STEPS.

She just…picked up tools along the way…things that help to enhance her life…

I am not ‘punished’ or required to ‘work a recovery program’ for the rest of my life…that is not what this is about…this is about…picking up the tools….that will enhance my life…NOW….and incorporating them into my world….into my routine….so that these HEALTHY habits….become natural to me…just…things that I do…just because they make my world better.

Ruined my whole day

I'm having a horrible day.

In the past...I would have minimized this...I mean...c'mon..it's not THAT bad - I have a friend who always says "if nobody's dead...no blood on the floor...police are not here...can't be THAT bad" lol and..there is SOME truth to that....

thinking that way helps to keep things in perspective....so I don't make mountains out of molehills...create unnecessary drama...BUT

minimizing this isn't ok either....feeling like...this shouldn't BOTHER me because, in the scheme of things...it's not that big of a deal.

the fact is...it DOES bother me...and attempts at making those feelings just go away...well...that causes 'emotional' problems.

So I'm trying to just deal with it.

In a few hours we will all sit down and discuss it.
The boys will roll their eyes and wish I would shut the hell up.

Likely they won't SAY that tho. lol

I am sorry for the way that I responded...but my 'issues' are valid...and so are my feelings.

I am going to try to just ALLOW myself to just feel this...even tho it's uncomfortable.

Another Rough Morning

*note -- I hesitate to post such personal 'junk'...but...just so ya know I'm human :)

Last night...I wrote a blog for today...I was doing some paperwork...getting things in order....feeling good about where I am...how I'm 'dealing'...

thennnnn

It was a rough morning…AGAIN.

The one area that I struggle with….my children.

At times, I know that I am a wonderful Mom…I do…but REPRIMANDING them causes me ..?discomfort.

I don’t have a problem punishing them…taking away privileges, for instance…but there are times…moments…when I just lose it.

A part of me knows that it’s NORMAL for teenagers to roll their eyes at their parents…and to tune us out completely…and even some sarcasm is ‘normal’….but I struggle with just letting it go….I’m a softy anyway…and they walk all over me….but occasionally, they REALLY make me angry….and I respond swiftly….and then regret it.

Both of them push my buttons...or at least TRY to...almost every morning...today...they were successful....

This morning one of my sons was complaining about how neglected he is..blah blah blah..and I pointed out to him that he doesn’t have new shoes (for gym class) because his father tried to take him shopping on half a dozen occasions..and he is always too tired or too busy or just doesn’t want to do it….and that his implications that it is somehow OUR fault that he doesn’t have new shoes (and pants that fit well) is not our

He cut me off…and said “OK Mom…ENOUGH”

Usually….I will stop there…because I can tend to go on and on and on

But…I was not finished…and I said so.

He said “Fine…I just won’t listen.”

I slapped him.

A part of me thinks…what else could I have done? It hardly seems sufficient to say “I’m taking away all electronics until further notice.” I mean…I do that when he doesn’t do his chores..or gets bad grades….but…to speak to me that way???

A part of me thinks…I should have just walked away.

The problem is…that would work with my HUSBAND…but…a TEENAGE boy?

They take that as a ‘win’….like I had just ‘let it go’.

So…..if I cannot come up with a better way of handling the situation….

Why do I feel so terrible about it?

This part of my life…is still very unmanageable.

It's Not all about me.

For a long time it felt like it was.

That's all I could see.


ME.


My debt was bigger than anyones.


My problem was worse than everyones.


My misery was more profound than anyone could imagine.


Being so wrapped up in myself...it makes sense that I was so SENSITIVE all of the time.


I needed people to acknowledge my milestones, I needed to be heard. I needed to feel...????special?


I thought that I was 'different'..that I somehow qualified for some special status....


and of course...there was so much pain....pain from the consequences of my gambling...pain from...things that I'd done (or neglected to do) while I was in the cycle...and...all of the things that I was 'escaping' from when i began to gamble in the first place...grief, responsibilities, feeling alone, fragmented, overwhelmed....or...that it was all pointless anyway...this life.


all of these things kept me focused on ME.


And I really have a problem with people saying things like 'pity party' or 'get over yourself'


if I KNEW how to 'get over it' or 'let it go' I would've done that long ago...without causing myself a whole lot MORE grief.

I DIDN'T know...

I didn't even know it was really POSSIBLE.

I felt like...I felt like my PAIN...was a part of who I *AM*.

I am learning otherwise.

There are steps....a process...and we are all different....our process will vary...but we have to find a way...to focus on other things...other people...


Visit a shut-in...volunteer somewhere...help a friend move...do SOMETHING that isn't about YOU.

Just a little something even....start the process.....

When I catch myself being overly absorbed in moi...I don't reprimand myself :) I mean...I'm only human...and I'm learning....I just gently acknowledge that I need to focus elsewhere....for this little moment anyway :)

After a while..things started to present themself..things that I felt LED to do...felt the NEED to do things that often have nothing at all to do with me.

and from this I learn...and when I learn, I grow.....and heal.

Letter to a Friend, March 2008

*posted with permission from my friend


i seeeeeee --- you're still gambling....and you thought that I would judge you.

well.....here's my thoughts on the fact that you still gamble.

I know lots of people who gamble.
Some gamble compulsively...some not.
I don't have a problem with any of them gambling.
why on earth should I? unless, of course, they are gambling with MY money....or are abusing me in some way by gambling.

To be honest...I don't care if you gamble...EXCEPT...that YOU do not want to gamble....
so since YOU do not want to gamble.....I feel sad for you if and when you do...because I know it hurts you.

I am never disappointed IN you....
FOR you..yes...
IN you...no.

I do not believe that this is a BEHAVIOR problem....
I do not believe that we are to be praised when we manage not to gamble...or berated when we do.
I am thrilled...or excited FOR you when you do not gamble we will CELEBRATE then...but not PROUD...
but not DISAPPOINTED when you do, either....just sad.

Each of us....are doing our own thing....I mean...in LIFE....we all have our own lives to live -- not talking about gambling here...just talking about LIFE...

I do not care about the gambling...I care about how you FEEL.

I know what gambling did to ME...the desperation..the hopelessness.....I wish you wouldn't gamble because I know how wonderful it feels when we break free...I know that when you DO break free (and you will...if you don't stop trying) you will feel WONDERFUL about it....

so...

it saddens me that you are gambling...

only because it saddens YOU that you are gambling...

Letter to a Friend December 2007

*posted here with permission of my friend

I remember feeling that I couldn't imagine not gambling...i do...i didn't think it was possible that i could stop AND...if i WERE able to stop...surely I would be miserable.

If i didn't gamble, i would be DEPRIVING myself of something that I ENJOYED..my FAVORITE activity....i didn't WANT to stop!!!!

well...we sort of have to 'deprive' ourselves for a while...just until we get sane...once we can clearly see....once we no longer CRAVE it (and it does happen)...

THEN

we have to start changing our thinking.

i see people who have years and years clean-time in g.a. who slip..or still yearn for it.

i don't want to live that way...and so much of how we feel is all because of how we THINK.

I am FREE.

I was a SLAVE.

I had a lover...more demanding than I would ever allow a man to be....this lover demanded everything of me...all of my time..all of my money...it wouldn't let me have other friends...it wouldn't allow me to THINK of anyone but 'it'... I had to put 'it' before my own best interests.

I would never ever ever have allowed a human being to do that to me.

I was an unwilling, unKNOWing slave.

but

now I know.

now i see.

and I won't take it any more.

You deserve your life.
You do.
Even if you THINK you don't...you DO.

My life had become unmanageable

Sometimes things just hit me like a brick.


I stopped gambling in 2002 and did not gamble for 20 months.

Then…one morning…I was able to justify it.

I was suffering….a great deal….anyone would understand….no one could blame me….besides…I didn’t have access to very much money….what could it hurt?

I gambled that morning…and it wasn’t so bad….I didn’t stay too long or gamble too much money away…but…it FELT different…. Gambling was different because *I* was different….I knew things now…I knew what I was doing to myself…

Today - my whole being suffers if I gamble -- even if I were to walk away a (monetary) 'winner'. Something else happens to me when I gamble now. It hurts. Gambling now, with all of the knowledge that I've gained, FEELS very different than 'gambling in ignorance' did.

So I didn’t gamble for a week or so….but then….that voice…started saying that…I’d already blown my clean date….it didn’t really matter now if I wanted to go for a few hours…PLUS….I could do it…without KILLING myself financially (I just did it last week) and blah blah blah blah blah.

I was back in the cycle.

It was different tho….

The FIRST time I was caught up in the cycle… I gambled every single day for as many hours as I possibly could…I was CONSTANTLY obsessed with thoughts of gambling…I was…I was practically POSESSED.

The SECOND time…well…I didn’t gamble every SINGLE day….and…I usually didn’t spend more than a few hundred dollars on any given day – I didn’t gamble as LONG as I used to..or spend as much money…..I didn’t REALLY pick up where I left off…like g.a. says we do…

At least…that’s what I thought…until that brick hit me yesterday.

I mean…to a degree, that is true…I spent hundreds of thousands of dollars the first time….there were times….I would spend thousands of dollars a day…several days a week.

I didn’t do that the second time.

But then…I WOULD have…if I could have…and whenever I WAS able to get my hands on money…
Damn….things are really coming back to me…

Anyway

What I was thinking about yesterday….the brick that hit me….was…how I talk about…our thinking…NOT talking about the addictive voice here…just talking about the noise that was constantly going on in my head..the endless chatter…..I was remembering a day…….

I had to work that day but I wanted to stop at a sandwich shop to play video poker. They don’t open til 10 am but the girl who opens up knows me…because I play there often….and she will sometimes let me in before the shop officially opens.

I stop at the shop but she doesn’t answer the door. She is probably in the office in the back and can’t hear me knocking, so I call the shop…to tell her that I’m there…no one answers the phone….I keep knocking and calling…and pacing…I really want to play….I shouldn’t…I SHOULD get to work…but…if I could just play for a few minutes first….

I am unable to get her attention…and I should get to work…so I leave.

I am near the office.

I pull into the left turn lane behind another vehicle. Left turn protected on arrow only.

I am thinking….”ok…it’s 9:30…I will work for a few hours, then I have to go mail this package, then I have to get to the bank, then I have to stop by the dry cleaner, I cannot forget to make that phone call”..the light turned green…the car ahead of me proceeds into traffic, I follow…”I have carpool this afternoon” and then…I realized….just before she hit me….no arrow…there was no arrow…I went because the car ahead of me had gone…but that car BOLTED …and I am in the middle of the intersection…and this car…without applying the brakes…hits me and hits me hard.

I was fine.

Well..not fine.

I was a WRECK….

But I wasn’t hurt…the other lady was. Not badly….we both had airbags..I drove an SUV…practically a TANK….it could’ve been much worse.

It was one of the worst days I’ve had.

I wasn’t concentrating…I was thinking…I must do THIS and I must do THAT and I have to be HERE…I was probably trying to figure out if and when I could fit gambling into my busy day…

That night…I’m in no condition to cook.

We order pizza.

I went to bed early.

The next morning…I get the boys off to school…then I start picking up.

The pizza box is still on the coffee table….I bring it to the kitchen…set it on the stove….clean up breakfast dishes..shower…get dressed….smoke a cigarette then leave…for a (much needed) appointment with my therapist.

I am about seven minutes from the house when I get a call. It is the alarm company. The girl tells me that they are getting a signal from the smoke detector.

Sometimes that happens.

False alarms.

I tell her I just left the house, it is fine.

She said…well…..the signal is coming from the upstairs AND the downstairs detector.

Then I knew.

The pizza box.

On the stove.

OMG

She had already called the fire department…I turned around…headed home….I was falling apart…smoke was…downstairs AND upstairs? OMG…it was bad…it was really bad….

I called my therapist to tell her I wouldn’t be coming in…she stayed on the phone with me until I pulled up…the firetrucks were there….inside all of the window…looked black…OMG OMG

I come running up….there are a dozen men in my house….the STENCH….and…some soot….they are trying to figure out how it happened…did I cook anything??

I lost it…I began to sob…and sob….I could barely breathe…hyperventilating…I WAS NOT OK.

That morning…just before I left…I smoked a cigarette…it is really the only time that I ‘pause’….but…I didn’t have a lighter handy (I typically have 0 or 20 lighters in my purse…that morning…0)…so I turned on the STOVEEEE…and I lit my cigarette…then ran out of the house quickly (so that smoke wouldn’t be inside)…locked the door….sat on the porch…smoked the cigarette…then left.

It could have been so much worse…it SHOULD have been so much worse…the firemen found a side door that was unlocked (not good…but it sure did work for me THAT day) so they didn’t have to break a door or window to get in…

AND

I had smoke detectors that worked…AND my alarm was monitored…AND the firemen got here quickly…AND there was almost NO fire damage and very very little smoke damage.

Everything was Ok.

But *I* was not.

I couldn’t stop crying….my world…was….out of control.


It’s not about the money.
It’s not even about the time really.

If I gamble….I lose who I am.

And-

There is no peace.

My life...had become unmanageable....AGAIN.

The Addictive Voice

That voice.

Sometimes…when it speaks, I am acutely aware that that is what it is…my ‘addictive voice’….and sometimes…it’s not really a ‘voice’ at all…it is a FEELING….the butterflies in the stomach thing…a vague feeling of excitement…but I know what it is…without question.

But SOMETIMES….I am not so sure…

I am pretty sure, for instance, that purchasing lottery tickets would not put me in any danger…I mean…it would not provide the same feeling that I get when I play video poker…or when I walk into a casino…it wouldn’t.

I’m pretty sure that I could buy a lotto ticket every week and it would not harm me in any way.

So this morning…I stop at a convenience store…and I think....’maybe I’ll buy one’.

Now…according to g.a. definition…this is gambling…and I would lose my ‘clean date’.

But to be honest, I am not abstaining from gambling so that I can have a ‘clean date’.

BUT

Even though I am pretty sure that buying a lotto or a scratch off ticket would be a harmless thing for me to do….a PART of me wonders….’Is that my addictive voice trying to convince me of that??’

I mean….if I did….if I DID buy a ticket…then…next week….I might buy another….and then….I might buy one every week.

That could go on for years perhaps….but….one day….that voice…might start USING the fact that I can do that and be OK…as a justification….to do more….It might start trying to convince me that if I can do THIS then I can do THAT.

Or

Perhaps….it isn’t harmless at all..perhaps….the fact that I think it would be…is my addictive voice talking to me NOW.

I don’t think so.

But

If there is any question….any question at all….well…it’s just not worth it.

I remember how easily things spiral…I KNOW how desperate I felt and how difficult it was to pull myself out of it…

I know….how far I am from that place now…how good I feel.

I don’t want to go there again.

Ever.

It would be ridiculous for me to even consider risking this….knowing what THAT was like.

For me…abstinence…complete abstinence…is the only answer.

I deserve my life.

Letter from a friend...December 2007 (snippet)

*posted here with permission of my friend

It really isn't about anyone else - what they think, what they do, what they believe.

It's about me.
It really is my choice.

It really is.

My family are getting on with their lives.

My friends are getting on with their lives.

The people on the forum are getting on with their lives.

I was told once about letting the past rob our future that's what I'm doing isn't it?

I just want my life back - the one I was born with.

* * * * * * my reply * * * * * * * *

yes....it really is about you.

and YOU are the only one who can do this for you.

You are right.

You CAN change this, you CAN get your life back, you CAN be happy...and most importantly...it IS in your hands.

It is very difficult to do alone because it IS mind stuff....

If physical changes are taking place in the brain...and they are....well...what bodily functions does the brain control? Our thoughts and our feelings.

It stands to reason that...while we're in the cycle..and our brain chemistry is altered, those functions (thinking and feeling) are altered. I know mine were.

The key to getting 'clean', IMHO, is to somehow get our brain chemistry back to whatever is 'normal' for us...and KEEP it there.

Many things seem to be able to alter our brain chemistry...things that we ingest (drugs, alcohol, cigarettes), activities (gambling, exercise, sex), as well as thoughts and feelings...

the PROBLEM, as I see it...with trying to do this alone is....it's too difficult to change our thinking...unless we are spending time with others who UNDERSTAND that 'skewed thinking' process....and can help us to change our thinking...to one that is more 'normal'.

I didn't think I could do this. I didn't really WANT to stop gambling...you know how it is...i DID want to stop..but i DIDn't.

Your life awaits you...I promise.

What does it Matter?

Part I - You are Magnificent


But….’so what’ you ask?

‘so what that I am here. What does it matter?’


We affect more than we know.

In 1961 Edward Lorenz used a computer model to run a weather prediction.

He discovered that by slightly changing the initial information that was fed to the model (inputting the number .506 instead of entering the full .506127) the weather prediction could be substantially different.

For example...if shortly after a hurricane formed...you moved it a few inches.... the course of the storm would become increasingly different and could eventually vary by hundreds of miles.

This gave birth to the idea of ‘Sensitive dependence on Initial Condition’ or…the ‘Butterfly Effect’ which puts forth the question Could the flap of a butterfly’s wings in Brazil set off a tornado in Texas ?

Or…to put it simply…the idea that….very small changes can make a very big difference.

Often…that difference is unintended….or accidental.

I remember a story that our priest told when I was in the second grade. Well…I don’t remember the STORY really…I have no idea what his point..or the moral was….but…what I can recall is “Sometimes…your dad might have a bad day at work…so he comes home in a grumpy mood….and talks in a grouchy tone to your mother…..so now your mother isn’t happy….and when your big brother comes in the room she starts screaming at him about something or other….so now HE is angry….so he comes into your bedroom and starts picking on YOU….and that makes YOU really angry…so you go outside and kick the dog.”

Again….I have no idea where he ended up going with that…but….that sequence of events stuck in my mind…how…..this poor dog is just going about his day…minding his business…and just because some guy had a bad day at the office…some KID kicks him!”

* * * * *

I have been affected by many people that have crossed my path….relatives, teachers, friends….but even strangers have affected me in profound ways.

I lost a wallet once. It was two days before Christmas and I had just begun to shop. I had several hundred dollars (Christmas money) in my wallet…and quite a few credit cards. I was making purchases when I realized the wallet was gone. I panicked. I returned to the store where I had previously made purchases…it wasn’t there.

I hurried home…to get on the phone.

I began making the calls…to cancel the cards, one by one. I was so upset…there was no way to get replacement cards in time for me to complete my shopping…what would I do? I had a checkbook…but no driver’s license….think think think…call the next one.

While I was making my second call my doorbell rang.

It was a woman and a teenage girl….standing there….holding my wallet.

I couldn’t believe it….it had fallen out of my purse in the parking lot….they got my address from my driver’s license….said they weren’t in a hurry and they figured I’d be upset…so they just brought it on over.

I wanted to give them a reward…I was so appreciative…they would have none of it.

I have no idea what I would’ve done if they hadn’t returned the wallet…they gave me my Christmas….and to this day…many years later….I get a warm feeling when I think of them….they affect me still.

* * * *

I was out of town for a convention a number of years back. My hotel was about eight blocks from the center where the convention was held.

I walked the eight blocks to the center every morning…and back every evening. There were many homeless people. Tons. It was a touristy area and likely a decent place to get handouts.

The last night there, I stayed for the later sessions…as I started back to the hotel…I was exhausted…my feet hurt sooooooo bad…it was dark and there weren’t so many people on the street…it was a little scary.

As I crossed the first street, on my way back, there was a man, a homeless man and he was shouting “Please help me, I’m so hungry! Please…Please help me…I’m so hungry!”

He wasn’t shouting it at me…he was shouting it at the world….I walked past him without meeting his eye.

I kept walking…my feet….hurt so bad….and then…I realized what I’d done…I just walked by a human being….a hungry human being-- without a second glance…or even a thought.

I’d had an unpleasant experience with a homeless person prior to this incident and at that time I decided I would never give money….food, anything else that I could give…but not money.

But….most everything was closed…what to do?

When I get to the hotel…there are several cabs parked out front..so I approach them….ask one of the drivers if he could drive me to the nearest grocery story….’grocery store?’ He asked…’there’s not one anywhere near here…what do you need?’

I explained about the man down the road…and that I wanted to purchase food for him…the taxi driver tells me that there’s a Burger King a few blocks “that way”.

A few more blocks.

Ouch.

My feet
Hurt
So
So
Bad.

But I walked…to Burger King…and on the way….I thought about all of the OTHER homeless people that I’d seen since I’d been there…there were dozens….so I went inside..and ordered twenty hamburgers.

I walked the dozen or so blocks all the way back to the screaming guy. He was still screaming “I’m so hungry!” so I approached him…took three hamburgers out of the bag and said “I’m sorry you’re hungry….I bought this for you”

He looked at me with disgust and said “I don’t want that shit! I want money…I will buy the food *I* want! I wouldn’t put that shit in my body!”

“well then” I said “It seems that you’re not very hungry after all”

He continued to scream and curse at me as I walked away.

I was furious….but then I thought…

Maybe *HE* isn’t hungry…but that doesn’t mean that *SOME* of these people are not….so I walked
And I walked
And I handed out burgers to every person I saw that looked like they could use a burger…and that one man…the screaming man…was the only one who was not appreciative.

If not for him…likely I wouldn’t have fed anyone that night.

He affected me….he made me behave differently than I would have otherwise.…..he fed people that night….and he didn’t even know it….he will never know.

* * * *

The fact that you exist …..makes the world a different place…..than it would be…if there were no you.

You are Magnificent

YOU.

YOU…this minute…reading these words…YOU ARE MAGNIFICENT.

ME? You might ask.

YOU.

How do *I* know that *YOU* are magnificent?

You are magnificent…simply because you exist.

Imagine….all of the things that had to occur in order for you to be here, this very moment….all of the things in the history of the world that led up to right now…you, just where you are…reading these words.

Forgetting the things that had to occur this day….or even in your lifetime that led up to this moment…..

There were only two people in the history of mankind that could have come together to create you….and those two human beings had to somehow FIND one another….and then engage in sexual activity at PRECISELY the right point in time for that PARTICULAR sperm to join with that PARTICULAR egg …in order to bring you about….

AND

Each of those two human beings….had the exact same odds…of never being born.

And so on, and so on, and so on. All of the events…the ‘coincidences’…as well as the hereditary combinations that had to occur…through generations and generations of human beings….

Until….the likelihood that any given person would ever come into existence..is so small…so very very unlikely, that it is no small miracle that any of us are here.

But here you are.

You exist.

And THAT is absolutely magnificent.


Soooooo….you have been born…and there is no other person, ever, in the history of the planet, not one single person who has ever been born that is just like you.

You are unique.

You are special.

If you aren’t already convinced of that fact (many of us are not), I am sorry.

I am sorry that you have spent one day alive not knowing that you are special…that you are magnificent.

You are.

If you were born and abandoned in the woods and no other human being even knows that you exist (unlikely that you would be reading this..but…) you are STILL….magnificent.

You are magnificent…because you exist.

My thoughts on Relapse

In the last two days I’ve had two acquaintances…compulsive gamblers…relapse.

One of those people hadn’t gambled in nearly five years.

In the last two weeks two of my friends in recovery have gambled as well….both with over six months ‘clean’ and doing seemingly well.

How does it happen?

WHY does it happen?

*I* relapsed after nearly two years of abstinence……it wasn’t something that happened all of a sudden…I didn’t go from a ‘strong, steady recovery’ to suddenly gambling overnight --- it was a gradual process….

----I was doing fine….my recovery WAS (I thought) strong and steady…..and I didn’t need g.a. meetings (or any other sort of ‘recovery’ for that matter)….I was ok.

And I was….until I wasn’t.

----I was no longer in touch with anyone at all with a gambling problem.
----I stopped seeing my therapist (I was fine).
----I wasn’t taking anti-depressant medication (I was fine).
----I experienced several traumatic, painful events…and I was helping my father-in-law to die.
---I was exhausted….caring for my family and spending time with my in-laws as well.
---I was recovering (physically and emotionally) from losing a baby….post-partum depression may have played a role.

I was sinking into depression.
I began thinking about gambling….or…doing things ?subconciously that would enable me to gamble….like stashing money away.

To be honest…it’s been several years since I was there…so likely I cannot recall clearly exactly how it happened…but I DO know that….if I were AWARE….I would have known that a relapse was coming…and might’ve done something to prevent it.

Might’ve.

Yes…that’s the thing….even when we KNOW it’s coming (a friend might point out to us that we are slipping back into old ways)…we often DO NOT PREVENT it.

Why?

It’s back to those voices again…the gambling voice…in me right now…it is there…I KNOW it is there…occasionally it speaks to me…but when it DOES happen…I quickly shut it down…gambling is not an option.

It’s easy for me to do that.

I spend an awful lot of my time talking and thinking and writing about not gambling.

When I used to spend all of my time in safe harbor chat room, I would say “it’s hard to gamble when you spend all of your time talking about not gambling”.

But it’s more than that…

Just being there…just talking isn’t gonna save me…I have to be HONEST….if I start having thoughts about gambling…I have to TELL someone (who might be able to help me)…I have to SEEK HELP.

The trick is….the more volume that voice has, the less likely I am to do that.

The volume of the voice.

For me…that seems to be key.

So…there is this…HEALTHY me…who now has control of my thoughts and my life…and occasionally…that gambling voice will pipe up…but the healthy me is strong and can easily brush aside the gambling voice…ignore it….like swatting a fly.

This healthy me…is on my toes….I KNOW that that gambling voice exists….and that if and when it does begin to speak it is necessary that I take immediate action.

One of the things that I do…is discuss it with as many people as possible….even, as difficult as it is, with my husband…. The more I talk about it…or write about it…the more I know I don’t want to gamble..I don’t…even if I do…I don’t.

(geez…that sounds nuts!)

But….how to stay the HEALTHY me…when everything else is falling apart.

I’ve been thinking about that lately…that…yeah, I’m good…I am BETTER than good…but then….I haven’t had any stress…any trauma….life is good….how will I handle things when life gets rough?

And then…I realized…

WHAT?????

The truth is…there are many things that have happened in my life in recent months that could easily have been used as excuses to gamble…and in the past, most certainly would have been.

The worst being….my step-father having a leg amputated in Jan. of 2007.

I’m not great at keeping in touch with people, so when I found out, it was the end of February.

A week or so later…he fell out of his van (forgetting that he had no leg) and was unable to drive.

I began making frequent trips to see him…to bring him for groceries and for medication…to doctor visits and for physical therapy.

He wasn’t always fun to be around -- sometimes he was DIFFICULT to be with…but it was OK.

It wouldn’t have ALWAYS been ok….but….I have a new way of thinking (and living) now….and so…I *WAS* ok.

And then….he had some sort of an incident…perhaps a stroke…and was hospitalized…he developed pneumonia…and even though my heart was breaking….as he would beg me to help him….his children elected to put him in a nursing home.

I was out of town when they did….my husband was receiving an honor…when I returned home…I spent the day with him….it was one of the most difficult days I have ever had…and I am so fortunate to have had it…he died that night after I left.

The dynamics….his children….wow…there were so many reasons for me to ‘lose it’.

It was hard.
It was painful.
It was stressful.

And….as usual…there was guilt…that I didn’t do more…or I didn’t handle things differently.

But….I have that ‘new way’ now…. And…that new way of thinking and living consists primarily of…

Being grateful for what I DO have…however small that may seem at any given time.
The ability to calm myself…to relax…primarily through breathing…and also through clearing the mind.
The practice of clearing the mind…is also an exercise in controlling ones thoughts…an important asset during a difficult time.
The ability to analyze whether or not there is anything that I can do about the CURRENT situation…..and if not….
To accept…whatever is occurring at the present time.

If I cannot change it…then…IT IS.
So…my NOT accepting it..changes what? It changes the way I FEEL!!!
Nothing else.
Acceptance…does not mean…this is what I want.

Acceptance means…this is what IS….and I am going to be OK, NO MATTER what IS.

I am going to be OK because I deserve to be OK and I have control over whether or not I am OK.

I do.

I continue to learn…and to grow….but if I ever find myself…struggling….I am in a position…with many people in recovery (of some form or another) in my life…and I will reach out to them…quickly….as if my life depended on it.

Because it does.

Recovery Slogans

Maybe it’s just me….maybe others find comfort in slogans..but…when I was suffering…or struggling…the last thing I needed was someone saying to me
‘One Day at a Time’
‘Let go and let God’
‘Easy does it’
‘Keep it simple’
‘Get out of your Head’

Those are just a few…


The thing is..when I am hurting..those slogans piss me off…..when I am NEW to recovery those slogans don’t MEAN anything….and if I don’t understand the MEANING of the slogan…then it sounds like you are brushing me off…minimizing what is happening to me….or that you simply do not understand.

But the longer I am in ‘recovery’…the more I LIVE…and the more I learn….I occasionally have those aha! Moments…when something clicks…and one of those ‘slogans’ will suddenly make ALL of the sense in the world….

Maybe that is part of the frustration….knowing that….there are people in recovery who GET stuff….and they don’t share it with those of us that haven’t gotten it yet?

If they think that saying to me ‘get out of your head’ is going to HELP me any….they must have forgotten what it’s like..to be 'here'….

Maybe slogans have their place….maybe…now that I ‘get’ that particular line….if someone who KNOWS me..and KNOWS that I ‘get’ that…catches me ‘slipping into old ways of thinking’…and were to say that to me…I could smile..and think…you’re right…and actually DO it…but….when it has no greater MEANING than to just ‘get over yourself’…it’s not only useless…it’s insulting.

But…sometimes….sometimes…even if I ‘get’ the meaning….I STILL may not be able to ‘let it go’ or ‘get over myself’….and it’s not just ‘recovery slogans’…

I remember when my Mom died…people saying ‘she’s not suffering any more’ or ‘she’s in a better place’ blah blah blah

I KNEW that. I didn’t WANT her to be in a better place….I wanted her to be WITH ME….HERE….FOR me.

Sometimes….sometimes I just need someone to listen…and not try to ‘fix’ or ‘help’ me…at least…not at that moment…perhaps…at some other time…when the pain is not so raw…when the feelings are not boiling over…..THEN…I will be receptive to new concepts…to new ideas…new ways of looking at things….but….I will need to be introduced to the concept…

Not the slogan.

But that’s just me.

Letter to a Friend October 2007

*posted with permission of addressee

Funny...I feel so good these days...LIFE feels good...and I am happy and free....I am so far away from the feelings that you describe and often it is difficult for me to even recall ever having felt such things...but occassionally, someone will post, or write to me...and it all comes flooding back...your words do that to me...and I thank you for that....I need not forget.

I don't want to suffer any more....but...I need never forget what it was like.

I'm just gonna ramble on for a while...about your note...if that's ok? I mean...when I post on gamcare..and I say (as I do, over and over and over) that we are not alone....what I am really referring to..is...the feeling that I have when I read what others write...and IT IS ME....

you say that your instinct is to say that you're ok....even when you're not.

gamblers anonymous literature says that this is an 'emotional illness'.

i was so offended when i first read that.

emotionally ill? they are telling me i'm crazy?

well... lol... maybe i am...but....it really pissed me off that someone would imply that.

there were many many things in the literature that i disagreed with or took offense to (and some things I still do)...but...from time to time, a lightbulb comes on...i have an 'aha' moment...

it seems that, just like we have many 'symptoms' in common...we also have other character traits that many of us share....for instance, many of us do exactly what you said.... we 'stuff' our feelings...pretend like we're ok when we're not...

i don't even know how to NAME my feelings....i probably had fewer than a dozen 'feeling' words....bad and good...of course :) and angry, lonely sad, happy, stressed..hmmm that may be about it.

anyway....one day..i have this aha moment...about how...FEELINGS somehow play a part in this addiction thing...emotions...

emotions?

emotional illness??? AHHHHHHHH

shit

almost every cg that i've spoken with has had some kind of real trauma in their life that they haven't dealt with in a healthy fashion.

ok...i'm rattling on and on --

it sounds like you feel that there is no reason to try. i will tell you this...i have met people..i have met quite a few people...who had less of a reason to try than you do...who smile now...who have happy lives.

i understand it seems hopeless.

i get that.

i know.

but

what if

what if you COULD be happy?

what if the possibility exists that you COULD break free from this?...and that life could be good again...or...could be good for the first time ever.??

i am not sure what happens for some people...how we go from where you are right now....hopelessness...to where i am right now....joyful....i wish i did know...what the key was...how..for years...i was hopeless...and eventually wanted to die...how did i go from there to here?

i wish i knew.

if i understood what happened..what changed in me..and why...well...i would be shouting it from the rooftops, no doubt...but...i DON'T know...all i know is that it is possible..it CAN AND DOES happen...

and it can happen for you.

try????

So I went to Las Vegas

It’s not something I’d recommend for a compulsive gambler who doesn’t want to participate in gambling any longer.

There’s no point in testing myself…I mean…I know that some people do..they want to know (for some reason) if they CAN gamble normally or…if they CAN resist?

I don’t know…I guess I just feel like I have too much to lose.

It’s not that…if I gamble…I will be disappointed in myself…or I will spend too much money ---it’s that…if I gamble…I am no longer the Peg that is writing these words.

When I gamble…*I* go away….I don’t THINK like me..I don’t FEEL like me…and I CERTAINLY don’t BEHAVE like ME.

And I don’t like what I become…

So basically…at this point…my choosing whether or not to gamble goes like this:

Ummmm would you like JOY or MISERY???

The thing is….I am able to make that choice because TODAY…I am ‘sane’….I am not what I would call ‘sane’ when I am in the cycle…I can promise you…I am not.
I mean…I don’t think I’m ‘diagnosable’ (other than as an addict…or attention deficit disorder)…but….my thinking is clearly not in line with reality once I am caught up.

So…there’s a lot at stake.

My whole life.

It’s not worth the risk.

So my husband has this function in Las Vegas that he must attend. Nine days.

Of course he knows I cannot go. He doesn’t WANT me to go. My gambling didn’t only hurt me.

But

There was this one function…this one night…that he really really wanted me to attend.

Nope, sorry, no can do, not worth it, not gonna happen.

Well…as the date neared…I really felt like I COULD do it…and I felt like I WANTED to…for him.

He would do ANYTHING for me…he has done a h*ll of a lot.

The fact that he’s still HERE is huge….so I started thinking that….I can do this…..I am ‘sane’ right now…..I just need to figure out how to STAY that way…

I decided I wouldn’t take cash or cards….I would call a friend in recovery if I needed to….AND…I would be with my husband the entire time (or 99.99% of time anyway)….
But…I didn’t really think I’d need that stuff. I am good…I am strong ….

But then again…this thing…is ‘baffling’….it jumps up and bites us when we least expect it…was I kidding myself that I could do this??

I was pretty sure that I could make it so that I COULDN’T gamble, even if I decided I WANTED to.

But then…..I started thinking….I haven’t WANTED to gamble in a long time…and…does the possibility exist that I could go to Vegas…get thru it fine..but awaken that ‘thing’…..the voice….then..come HOME…and…get bit :(

But then…since I was AWARE of that possibility…I talked about it…I blogged on it, I talked to my Dr., I talked to my therapist, I talked to my HUSBAND.

I went….a quick trip…in and out.

Walk through the casino to get to front desk…all the way to other side of casino to get to elevators…I walked thru that casino (and others) so many times in the 16 hours that I was there….

The sounds….lights…..it wasn’t really appealing to me.

It was like I could see the ‘Wizard of Oz’ hiding behind the curtain…it was such trickery…they are clearly designed to put us into a ‘trance’ blah blah blah.

I’m not angry at the industry…never was….don’t see how it can benefit me…the fact is…I don’t WANT to be angry (at any one)…I have felt bad for long enough. Far too long.

I’m not angry…it’s just not something I want to do anymore.

And the people….so many of them looked….they looked…well…like *I* used to look.

But then…

I learned that my sister in law hit a $1500 jackpot the night before I arrived.

And my best friend…hit $5000.

It did stir.

It’s hard to describe.

I didn’t have to ‘fight’ urges…but….there was *something* going on….it wasn’t painful or difficult or a struggle…but….there was a vague desire.

Anyway…I attended the party…then a group of us went out for drinks…we talked and laughed…we had a great time. I was with people that I care about…that I enjoy.

I have been to Vegas many times. It used to be my favorite city (big surprise).

I rarely slept on prior trips.
I rarely ate.
I spent all of my time alone…at a machine…regardless of who I was traveling with.
I generally caught the plane home exhausted, dehydrated, hungry, and having the shakes.

This short trip…where I did not place one bet…. was the most fun Vegas trip I have ever made.

That is an unbelievable thing for me to say.

Me…who thought that…I could not stop…and I did not WANT to stop…..how could I possibly ever be happy…if I could never gamble again?

Insanity, indeed.

Anger toward Gambler's Anonymous

or...toward ALL currently available resources.

I see a lot of that.

Some of what I see is…people who have tried to stop gambling…have attended gambler’s anonymous and the program hasn’t worked for them.

Then…suddenly….they find something else….a way out.

When we finally DO find a way out…we seem to think “WOW!! So THIS is the secret!!...THIS is what one has to do in order to overcome addiction! If only I’d known SOONER!!”

Then….some people get angry….

They may be angry because they feel like people at g.a. had information that might’ve helped them….but it wasn’t offered freely…..

or it could be that they were told things (like g.a. is the only solution to this problem) that they have since discovered to be false….

maybe they just need to be angry at someone…..

The thing is…

When we DO find a way out..and we think “WOW!! So THIS is the secret!!...THIS is what one has to do in order to overcome addiction! If only I’d known SOONER!!”

We sometimes fail to realize that this was OUR way out.

We start thinking…that the existing establishments (g.a., etc.) have it all wrong…or at least, are lacking something – and that we need to FIX those things…so that people can get the help they need! (remove the emphasis on God in g.a., for example)

What we fail to realize is….

G.A. *IS* the answer for many people…..the people who are successfully overcoming addiction in 12 step programs…they tried other things (I imagine very few people show up at a meeting without trying, at least, to stop on their own)….other things DIDN’T work for them….then….when they finally ‘got’ it….and broke free…they thought “WOW!! So THIS is the secret!!...THIS is what one has to do in order to overcome addiction! If only I’d known SOONER!!”…so NOW….they are trying to save OTHER’s the same grief that THEY went thru……they think…THEIR way is THE way.

Some people get everything they need from internet sources….and/or from networking with other people in recovery….or maybe they just do it all by themselves…

And then…they think…THEIR way is THE way…and that they must…SHOW people ‘THE’ way….

Why can’t we see….that….when we do that…when we think that way…*WE* are doing the exact same thing that we are angry at *THEM* for doing.

G.A. is fine just like it is….it is helping people…it is saving lives…..it is helping the people who need g.a. to recover.

The different internet sites….they are fine just like they are….they are saving lives…..each is helping the people who need THAT particular type of site to recover.

If *YOU* have found something that works for *YOU*…that is WONDERFUL!!!!!

Find a way to reach out to others that may be LIKE YOU….there are many people who are NOT helped by current available methods….SOME of those people….might need the information that you have to offer them….
(maybe hang out at some of those internet sites..to offer your experience to people who are still searching for their solution).

But.…what you have discovered will NOT work for some….

And that is OK

But….the existing resources have their place….’as is’.

Ummmm…all except for the “If you don’t work THIS program you are doomed to remain in the addiction” attitude…which, by the way…is not in any of the (12 step) literature….that comes from PEOPLE….who, as we all know…are not perfect.

g.a. is helping people
gamcare is helping people
safe harbor is helping people
gettingpastgambling is helping people
gordon house, smart recovery, rational recovery...there are MANY resources that are helping people....

if something is missing....if something else should be offered....OFFER SOMETHING ELSE.

Related posts:
Pushy People in Recovery
What About G.A.?
Paths to Recovery

Letter to a Friend written September 2007

*posted with permission of addressee

it's not just about gambling....and you're not lazy either.

there are many things that we compulsive gamblers have in common...well..it's not just cg either...it's ADDICTS....that is what we are.

i see a dr...a psychiatrists, for meds. for a long time, i suspected that he was an addict...he just knew too much...understood how we think, etc....finally I asked him...I am not sure what his drug of choice is (alcohol?) and i'm not sure that it matters....but....he knows his shit....

i went to see him a few months back and was talking about the fact that i hadn't filed any of his bills with my insurance company (I STILL haven't)...it is worth several thousand dollars at this point...or...WAS...I'm sure I have waited too long for many of them to be processed....

he tells me a story -he always has some kind of a story :) -

he says..he has a friend in recovery, who owns a shop...his friend is not a good housekeeper...his shop is often messy.....he hadn't been making much money, so was spending a lot of time online trying to find ways to help his business..... people would often enter....see how messy the place was, and leave without buying anything....did he clean up? no......he could easily solve his problems...simply by sweeping the floor...the thing is

there is no dopamine in it for us...no immediate gratification....sweeping the floor doesnt' FEEL good. we want to find OTHER...more EXCITING ways.

so

I don't file my insurance paperwork
I don't clean my house like i should
my laundry is always overwhelming...and when i DO wash and dry it...i often place it in a basket on top of the dryer...where it gets all wrinkled..instead of folding it and putting it away.
I have quite a few things in the house that need to be repaired....I do not make the phone calls

and you don't take your medicine :(


we need to learn how to sweep the floor.

the 'maitnenance' that we need to do..the mundane things that the rest of the world just DOES because they NEED doing....we have to learn how.

I made that post a week or so ago...I am still not doing so well 'sweeping my floor'.....last night, i decided that I do better with a list....so...i made one....a list of things that I *will* do today.

sometimes lists don't work for me...cuz...i have put off so much for so long..and i try to take on too much all at once....so....i am going to try to be realistic....put the things that i HAVE to do today on the list....then...one or two things that i really SHOULD do today....I have to try something....what i WAS doing WASN'T working.


but it's more than that too...THAT is why....if we don't change the way we THINK and LIVE....we will end up being that same person...the one who gambles....I don't want to do that any more...I don't want to be that peg...I have had a taste of LIFE...and I want it...I want it and I want it to be full and happy....and I know it can be this way....it's in my hands.

you deserve your life.

i'm sorry for what you've been thru...we are NOT stupid...this is NOT a behavior problem..this is a BRAIN problem....we can get better, tho...if we fight like hell..and hold one another's hands.

Letter to a friend written August 2007

*posted here with permission of adressee

yeah...I felt that way....wanted to believe that I was in control...that is exactly why so many people 'slip' or 'relapse'...because...as miserable as we once were...once we are able to find a way to break free..and get some RELIEF..we start to feel better...we start to feel WONDERFUL even...and, I liken it to childbirth :) we forget the pain....we start to think...maybe I wasn't that bad? maybe I made a bigger deal of this than it really was...maybe I exaggerated the whole thing...and....I feel confident that I can control it (now that I have myself back together) and on and on and on....in the same way that we rationalized all of those OTHER things that we did when we were in action (spending absurd amounts of time and money for..well...for nothing really)....in the same way that we did that..we start convincing ourselves that it is 'ok' to gamble again.

Some people, when that happens....recognize the error immediately and get back to help....others (like me) figure...what the hell? and we keep rationalizing and rationalizing (I abstained for 20 months...then began gambling again and continued for 22 months)...and throw away months (or years) of our lives.

The GOOD news is...yes....it is very very difficult to make the initial break...our brains (thinking, feelings, and chemically) are all screwed up and we feel hopeless, desperate and ashamed... BUT...with help..we CAN break free...AND...if we educate ourselves (and not listen to the inner voice that tells us we can try again) and get support from others (I am not sure yet why that is so important..but connecting with others DOES seem to be key)...we can STAY free....only a small percentage of people do that (stay free always)...and it has been my experience that those people (who return to gambling) often have not stayed connected and/or have stopped 'working' (learning about the disease and taking steps to make changes for the better in their lives).

G.A. is good...because...the LAST time I stopped gambling....I had no urges...I was OK....I stopped attending meetings and that meant I stopped doing ANYTHING at ALL regarding...gambling...recovery....GROWTH.

I attend g.a.

I know people who are abstaining who do NOT attend meetings. I have tried it both ways...without g.a. didn't work for me (cuz I didn't stay connected and working on this).

G.A. ...well....some of the stuff...it doesn't work for me...but...some of it has given me my life back..so I take what I need and leave the rest...for example...most people who are successfully working the program (at least most that I have seen) hmmm kind of live in fear, i guess? they live in fear of the next bet..they go to meetings every week because they are afraid that if they don't, they will gamble (and get back in that hell).

Well...it's not for me to judge...some of our hells were much worse than others..and *I* say....if it works for you...fear..whatEVER...then, good for you...

But I don't want to live that way.

I don't want to feel sad about this horrible 'diagnosis'. I mean...I was at first...I guess I felt a whole lot like you do now...I've been thru a lot since then, have learned a lot...this is where I am now....

I did some things that I regret when I was gambling. It sucks that I did those things, but I cannot undo them...I can make amends for what I have done and I can not do them again.

I do not know if I will attend g.a. forever..and i do not CARE about forever..forever is too far away...I would like to think that one day I can walk away from meetings and g.a. blah blah blah (but that may be that dangerous little voice telling me that?)

I don't know.

what i *DO* know is...that for right now...it is what I need...so I will do it right now.

I do not live in fear.

I do not want to gamble again.

I am determined not to gamble again.

TODAY..I am taking steps to ensure that I don't....and I'm happy and healthy and fine today.


**Update- I am currently not attending g.a. meetings regularly...but am more involved in working...ummm...it's not a 'program' really....it is my LIFE..... today I am 'working my LIFE'

On Being Needy

I was very very needy in the early days of recovery....for a long long time really...Clingy even...

funny....it's another thing that I think is so very important...even CRITICAL to be aware of...yet...I really don't hear people talk about it...

maybe...the people who have gotten past it just think....I did it..so YOU (anyone else) can...or...will just have to...

but...geez

it would've been so much easier for me...if....before I had that first mood swing (crash)...if I had an inkling that it might occur...so that when it DID happen...I would think COOL! I must be GETTING this recovery stuff....I am having this...what is SUPPOSED to be happening IS happening!

instead

I was...

I was depressed (the crash)....and could easily have spiraled back into hopelessness...and returned to my addiction.

Fortunately....on that day....I posted about it on an online forum. I had been spending lots of time there...it was my new home...it was where I was learning most everything I had learned, to date, about recovery....and I didn't have anywhere else to 'go' with the feeling...the DREAD....so I posted.

I got so many responses....people telling me that it was NORMAL...that THEY experienced it also...and it would pass.

I was at work that day...and was sitting at my desk crying.
I had nothing to cry about.
Life was getting better.
I hadn't gambled in a while...but
I felt like sh*t!
I felt like...

i still have such a hard time putting words to my feelings...sorry.

anyway....

being NEEDY...was ANOTHER thing that no one talked to me about...

when I posted on a forum....NEEDING someone to acknowledge me....returning (compulsively) throughout the day to see if anyone had....

or

checking my email repeatedly throughout the day....and being so LIFTED when I'd have some....the more the better.....and....so flat....if my mailbox was empty....

again...i struggle putting words to this....to exactly WHAT I needed....but...I needed communication....I needed people to converse with ME....I needed to know that I mattered, that I was special....that I could DO this...and that people BELIEVED that I could..and CARED if I did.

so if you start feeling that way...just acknowledge it ......and know that it is normal...and it would NOT be ok to be like that forever...but it's ok for now....and that....it will be a normal part of the process for the neediness to sort of fall away....when it's time.

The level of neediness can be very high....and I feared that I would put people off...if I was too clingy...

If you find yourself feeling this way.....I have some recommendations.

If you feel you'd like to RECIEVE communications....SEND some....most people respond to personal emails....so...write a note to anyone you can think of that might write back.
Post on forums...even go out on a limb and say 'I would appreciate if someone would respond to me'

If you get responses....attempt to strike up an ongoing correspondence.....the friendships that I have developed have been so rewarding, on so many levels...AND...if this is someone else in recovery....chances are...THEY get needy from time to time also...and THEY might appreciate the contact as well.

In any event...be kind to yourself....this....is not easy.....I needed to be held....sort of 'loved' through this process...the pain....the learning to forgive myself.....I needed to know that I am important...that I am special...and that I COULD do this.

sometimes I still need those things....at times, more than others.

I *AM* important.....I *AM* special.....and I *CAN* do this.
so can you.
not him...or her....I'm not talking about anyone else....I am talking about YOU.

You deserve love.
You do.
You deserve..your life.

xo

I was wrong

Life can be better than it has ever been...it really can.

I'm talking about YOUR life.


For me, several things had to come together all at once in order for me to 'get it'..... for recovery to really 'kick in' but...if I wasn't TRYING then it would not have happened.


which is why I say....never stop trying to stop.


For a long long time, I couldn't help myself...and then, one day, I could. I wish I knew exactly what it was....why...or how we stay stuck for so long..then suddenly...it's like a switch is turned...and it is possible.

what I DO know is....

I did not think things would ever be ok again.

I did not think *I* could be ok.

I did not think I could be happy.

I did not think my life would ever be happy.....

Guilt, shame, regret...and DAMAGE was all I could see...and I did not see a way out.

and here I am.

on the other side of it all....

what I know is.....I WAS WRONG....

I am ok.
All is well.
Life is good.

This moment is all there is

The past…does it exist?
Well it DID.
It happened….

but now?

Right now….when I think about the past….what is it?
A story.

That is all the past is…it is NOT my life…it is a STORY…or a series of stories about some events that once occurred.

They are not occurring now.
It is done.

Stories.

You know…I’ve always been high-strung….and my life has always been full of DRAMA…

There was a time..when things would happen….the drama…when my heart would begin to race, I would become anxious and upset…and then…one day…it occurred to me….that…even though what I was experiencing wasn’t necessarily FUN…I didn’t WANT to go thru it….it wasn’t THAT bad…
AND
It was going to be a story.

I’d get thru it….it would end…and I would be left with a funny story…laughter.

It can’t be THAT bad if you might look back one day and laugh :)

That has helped me to get thru many difficult times….knowing that….’it’s ok….I’m making a story...one day I will tell this story and laugh’.

Now that I’m doing all of this ‘recovery stuff’ I can see how wise that is…once an event is in the past…that is ALL it is… a story.

Not all of our stories are funny….

there are many things that have happened to me that I cannot now…and likely will never be able to laugh about….

I have some sad stories too.

Some are gut-wrenching.

But still….they are NOT things that are happening now.
This minute…I am good.

Those stories…aren’t real (anymore)……right now…today…they are simply stories….and they only have power over me…if I allow them to.

What matters?

If I sit down and think about it…REALLY think about what matters to me…my list would be quite long….and mostly filled with people.

And…hmmm... honor...making a difference in other people's lives...finding JOY....and LOVE..and SHOWING love.

There would be very few THINGS on that list.

I mean…it matters that I have a car…but THIS car? I need a home…but…I have lived in OTHER homes and have been just fine…I will probably live in a different home in a year or so..and I will sell this one….that’s ok….I am not that attached to THIS home.

If the house burned to the ground right now….what would matter (assuming I wasn’t in it, of course)….

There’s the obvious….photographs…what else? Ahhh my computer…lots of memorabilia on here…what else? Ahhhhh my wedding gown…yes…

That may be it.
Wow.
All of this stuff….all of this stuff that I am reluctant to do without….that I am unable to discard…WHY???

Because I might need it? Or…because it hold memories….yes…I hold onto a lot of things because they hold memories.

But do they really?

The wedding gown, for instance, is of course, a reminder of my wedding day…but…my mother MADE that gown….and it is quite a gown :)
and she is dead…..
But
Yeah..I LOVE the gown….and….it brings back images of her…memories…
But
If the gown goes….will I lose my memories?
Will I not be able to recall my mother? Or the gown?

My life is full of things…that I THINK matter….I spend far too much time DOING things that don’t really matter…and NOT doing things that DO MATTER!!!

No wonder my life just drifts along with no real purpose….I do not even know what matters to me…and if I don’t KNOW what matters to me…I am not DOING what matters to me…

And I wonder why….I do not feel satisfied.

If I am not satisfied with my life...with any aspect of it....I suppose I ought to identify what I would like it to be like.....

then

do the next thing.....to get it.

Through a Child's Eyes

It takes more than just being openminded…it takes a sense of WONDER.

I was having such a hard time with the higher power thing….prayer would make me cringe. It still does sometimes…verbal prayers do.

I had such fixed ideas on religion..on EVERYTHING….my world was black and white and consisted of what I could SEE or FEEL and knew to be so….

And

Of things that could be proven…I mean..I can’t SEE a sound wave…but science has shown them to be there…I believe in sound waves..sure….radio waves, light waves..ok…I get that..all sorts of ‘things’ bouncing around in my ‘space’ that I am unaware of….ok.

But

I remember attending a bible study (searching) – and a man was there who had cancer…before we left they asked everyone to place their hands on him and they prayed.

Pretty freaky I thought.

Or….people who do things…believe that pyramids or crystals hold some ‘magical’ energy or power force. Uh huh. Right.

But then….

I remember hearing, as a child…that if you play soft sweet music for a plant..it will grow beautifully….and TALKING sweetly…same thing….but saying mean, hateful things would cause it to shrivel..and die.

And THEN…I remember hearing that..you don’t even have to TALK to a plant to make this happen..that simply by THINKING happy thoughts…or mean thoughts….you could affect the health of the plant.

an energy thing?

I hadn’t thought about that in years.

ANYWAY….

So I am searching….a quest..for truth….what is there? Who am I?

It’s a difficult thing to do when one is not open to new ideas…which I wasn’t.

So I thought….either…I know everything there is to know about everything (which, even in my arrogance, I knew was not the case) OR some of the things that I believe to be true….are incorrect.

I decided to try, to the best of my ability, to approach things…EVERYTHING…as if I were from another planet….I know nothing….I have never seen grass before…or a sunrise…or a SUN for that matter….everything is fresh and new….can you imagine?

The sun? what is it? Fire? No kidding…it IS pretty amazing when you stop to think of it…a big ball of fire just floating in the air…and it comes and goes…and when it is here..it lights up the entire planet…. … which is NOT FLAT?

There really is wonder everywhere around me…much of it…I know is fact and don’t really think about it being wondrous at all….and other things…or…possibilities…I refuse to entertain.

It’s not just ME…..Imagine the people of Galileo’s time hearing that the SUN was the center of the universe…The Catholic Church outlawed promoting this type of thinking (heresy) and he lived under house arrest for years…until he died.

We humans get stuck in what we KNOW…and refuse to allow the possibility that things are not always as they appear :)

the more I learn..the more I know I don’t know.

Anything is possible.

Spirituality and Addiction

So what does ego and spirituality have to do with addiction?

Actually…they have to do with EVERYTHING….

My ego…is anxious and impatient and selfish…it is self-serving and …fearful…it is many things….and all of them are not BAD…maybe NONE of them are BAD really…but….they are far from PEACE…..

Then…there is this other aspect of me…..a part that is always calm..is always at peace….but…
This part of me….was not always available to me…or I didn’t know that it was there at all…so I didn’t know HOW to get to it.

The more I practice AWARENESS…and quieting the mind….the more I am at peace…. And the more I am at peace, the easier it is for me to access it when I need or desire it.

SOOOO

I see people in recovery who are still very much in the ego….and who struggle to remain free from their addiction…living ‘one day at a time’....praying that their ‘higher power’ will help them to stay free for one more day….it looks very painful to me….and often unsuccessful.

The awakening of the spirit….the ability to access the peace that is within each of us….that still, silent place….when I am feeling anxious or fearful….when I am wanting to escape….THIS…is my ‘higher power’….and is not only struggle-free…..but is joyful.

It doesn't really have to do with addiction or recovery....it is about the human experience....LIFE.

This moment

for a long time...'staying in the moment' was something that I had to practice....if I was having a conversation someone..my mind was often elsewhere...not necessarily gambling...but on SOMETHING else...all of that..compulsive thinking...business in my head..always working..thinking..about nothing really...nothing important...but....never just BEING..where I was...

it's not usually an effort any more....I can sit...and not keep looking at my watch...not thinking I SHOULD be doing something else...or I WANTED to be doing something else...just...being where I am...with whoever I am with....

but....

it is more than that....

I can be in the moment no matter WHAT I am doing.......even the mundane things..ESPECIALLY the mundane things...

A few months ago I wrote about Being in the Moment.

I talk in that post about one morning, a year or more ago, when I was in the shower..and I was suddenly AWARE…of…how the water felt….the temperature…the feel of it rolling down my skin…how wetness feels….the smell of the soap..sound of the water….I was just THERE….EXPERIENCING…not just DOING….then…I came downstairs to cook and the phenomena continued….the beans that I was washing…with CLEAN water…where were they grown…what process had they gone thru to arrive in my kitchen?

The experience filled me with gratitude for all that I have..I was AWARE of the abundance in my life…but…it was more than that…just BEING…it was CALMING…SOOTHING…

my mind is silent when I do this...the chatter stops.....

there is peace.

Spiritual Awakening

If there's one thing I've learned recently,it is ...the more I know...the more I know I don't know.....what I DO know is always changing....but here is where I am today...

I have heard people in recovery that appeared to be very religious…they claimed that they were gamble-free one day at a time only because of God….they said all sorts of things…and then…sometimes….some of these people gambled.

How could that be? If God is the answer…and…those people are praying…they are CERTAINLY more in touch with God than I am or have ever been….why is it that they continue to gamble?

To be honest….I don’t know about why THEY gamble..or YOU, for that matter….but….for me….well..for a while…I thought that I had to find God to be better..so I began searching…the thing is….it would appear that it doesn’t matter how much we pray or who or what we believe in or who we turn our life over to as long as we remain fully in ‘ego’….


What does that mean?

When I hear people make reference to ego…my mind goes to ‘obnoxious’ or ‘conceited’ ahhhhh
But….I have been listening…paying attention….remaining open-minded…and now….my idea of what the ‘ego’ is is quite different….it is simply…my idea of who I am…who my mind thinks I am…that voice in my head….it thinks it is me…it thinks this body is me…it is. It is the HUMAN aspect of me…the ego.

From birth..we are on a quest to find out who we are….this is my name..this is my body …I am smart or I am pretty, funny..a mother, a wife…(ummm a compulsive gambler?!)…..and so on..…all of these things I collect…and they become a part of me (or I determine that they are NOT a part of me)….I continue to collect things throughout my life…often based on ideas that OTHERS have about me….and…most recently…I have spent a lot of time and money (therapy) trying to learn about who I am and how I became this way……all of this…is about the ego….my humanness.

And…spiritual awakening?

The awareness that there is something else….ANOTHER part of me…that is not labeled…is not a part of my humanness……the awakening is the awareness of it…and the willingness to allow it to be more and more of who I am….while letting go of the illusion of the ego…more and more.

For some people, that appears to happen like a lightning bolt….all at once…they are awake…it hasn’t happened like that for me….and….i was so confused for so long…. what DOES IT MEAN???…..but now..suddenly…when I think about it….that term ‘spiritual awakening’ is the PERFECT way to describe it…

I used to think that my ‘soul’ or my ‘spirit’ was the non-physical part of me….but now….I can see that…that non-physical part that I was referring to…was still a part of my EGO (humanness).

It is as if…there is another part of me…that has always been here..but yes…asleep…except maybe as a child? I’m not sure…but….well..that’s not important…….so there is this part of me…that is always ok. It is always present…an…?observer almost ?? (words are so limiting here) it is at peace….it is full of love.

I am sure that it has always been there…but I was not always aware of it….

it is as if it is waking up..

Nooooooo that is not it at all..my spirit is not waking up

It is as if… *I* am waking up to *IT*….

What can *I* do about it?

I remember a visit to my therapist…it was a few years back.

I was late for my appointment because I’d been gambling and couldn’t leave my machine.

I looked ‘frumpy’….I probably didn’t have make-up on…just brushed my teeth and hair..threw on some clothes and left…(I was in a hurry!)....didn’t really care much about how I looked in those days.

I can recall sitting in her office…my mood…my….life…I was just biding time…getting thru each day…I was so far from happiness….I was without hope.

She asked me “What can Peg do to help herself?”

I thought about it.

I was quiet for a while…thinking…what could I do? What could I do?

And then….I knew the answer.

Nothing.

There was nothing at all that I could do….

I was not ok..I was not GOING to be ok…and there was nothing at all that I could do.

It wasn’t true.

Maybe…I believed that there was nothing that I could do because I was wondering…’how can I fix my life?’ or even ‘How can I stop gambling?’

And no….I couldn’t do either of those things that day.

But there was SOMETHING that I could do.

There is always SOMETHING that we can do…to help ourselves.

I can read something uplifting.
I can call someone who lifts me.
I can find a support group..online or face to face.
I can do something that will make me FEEL better…I can take a hot bath.
I can polish my nails.
I can do something to make someone ELSE feel better…I can volunteer my time…to others less fortunate than myself….it doesn’t matter how bad things are for me right now..there is ALWAYS someone less fortunate.

I don’t have to fix my ‘life’…all I have to do…is do something for me RIGHT NOW….

Just this minute…that is all I need to concern myself with...whether I am gambling....no matter WHO I am or WHAT"S going on in my life..

I can do SOMETHING to make my life a little better.

I can.

YOU can.

DO.

Do ANYTHING....but

Do SOMETHING...

right now.

Happiness

It’s not something that ‘happens’ to us.
Happiness isn’t something to be ‘found’.

Happiness is something that we CHOOSE.
We DECIDE to be happy (or not to be).

Often…we place conditions on whether or not we will choose to be happy.
‘I will be happy if I get a promotion’
‘I will be happy if my children get good grades in school’
‘I will be happy if I find a man (or woman)’

The more I allow external things determine my mood…the more my mood will fluctuate.

I have very little control over my external world….the only thing that I can control is how I react to it.

CHOOSING to be happy is something that we can do..by changing the way that we THINK…

There are things that we can do..simple things……

Make a gratitude list.
Even when things are at their worst, there are ALWAYS things to be grateful for.
Sometimes we have to really look for them….it doesn’t FEEL like we have things to be grateful for… but we always do.
Always.
Find them.
Write them down.

Think about those things often…and as you think of other things to be grateful for…add them to the list.

Something else that we can do is to practice smiling….Today….smile every time you think about it…and at least once, smile at a stranger….someone who really looks like they could use one.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Do you want to be happy? Uninterrupted happiness is uncaused. True happiness is uncaused. You cannot make me happy. You are not my happiness. You say to the awakened person, "Why are you happy?" and the awakened person replies, "Why not?"

Happiness is our natural state. Happiness is the natural state of little children, to whom the kingdom belongs until they have been polluted and contaminated by the stupidity of society and culture. To acquire happiness you don't have to do anything, because happiness cannot be acquired. Does anybody know why? Because we have it already. How can you acquire what you already have? Then why don't you experience it? Because you've got to drop something. You've got to drop illusions. You don't have to add anything in order to be happy; you've got to drop something. Life is easy, life is delightful. It's only hard on your illusions, your ambitions, your greed, your cravings. – Anthony de Mello, SJ

Hope

I know hopelessness.

I’ve been there.

This…gambling addiction devastates us……there seems to be no way out.

We hear others talk about..how THEY haven’t gambled in a while…we hear them talk about how THEY dealt with creditors..or how THEY got out of debt or how THEY repaired relationships…how THEY got thru the consequences that our gambling created…

We HEAR it…but…that is THEM.

*WE* cannot be OK.

*MY* stuff is worse.

*MY* stuff cannot be repaired…. *I* cannot get better….

The sleepless nights I had….the despair…

It’s not true.

You can be ok.

That doesn’t mean that things won’t hurt…it doesn’t mean that the consequences will just go away….but

YOU can be ok.

We can’t fix it all at once..that’s what we’d like…for all of the consequences to just go away….for everything to be ok.

*WE* have to find a way…*WE* have to learn how *WE* can be ok…even when EVERYTHING ELSE is NOT!

Is there something….any little thing….that can be done right now….that would make things just a liiiittttlllleeee bit better.
Not….something that would FIX anything….
Just a littttllle bit better???

Those little bitty things…accumulate….the minutes that we don’t gamble..turn into hours..then days….months, YEARS…….those little things that we can do…to make things a llliiitttllleeee bit better….they really really will make a difference….

Just….do the right thing….right now…then keep doing the next right thing…

YOU can be ok.

There really is hope.