Which life?

I got an email from a friend today who touched on the fact that she cannot focus at work.

I had forgotten.

I had forgotten how….antsy I was….antsy physically…I often just felt like I HAD to get out of there..HAD to leave work….I was ready to climb the walls….

But…even when I was able to sit still…my MIND was racing…and it was so hard to get any real work done.

There are probably a lot of things that I don’t recall or I gloss over…I know that I talk about mood swings a lot…but it’s more than that.

The mood swings are important..they are HUGE…I cannot stress enough how much this can impact one’s recovery…and being READY for it…can help some…

But it’s more than that

Aside from SWINGS…I can remember…I used to go to safe harbor chat room every morning before I’d leave my house…sometimes for a few hours…or maybe just a few minutes…but…every day I’d go…it sort of kept me ‘grounded’…got me in a good frame of mind…ready to face the day…

But I recall..many mornings telling the folks there that ONCE AGAIN…my makeup was dripping down my face…I can remember crying when I wasn’t particularly unhappy….sometimes for NO REASON at all….I just had tears.

Now that still happens….that I cry occasionally when I don’t have a GOOD reason to cry….but those tears…back then…..they seemed to be always right there….just on the other side of those tear ducts…ready to burst out.

All of my emotions were like that I think….I was quick to laugh OR cry….to be angry…it was like whatever I felt..I felt in abundance.

We are so fragile then…….there are so many EXCUSES that we can use….

But the fact is…we have two choices.

We can do this….we can decide….this is my life and I want it…..even if it seems like a shit life right now….that is temporary….the only one who can make my life better is ME…and I cannot do that if I am not TRYING to do that..and when I am in the cycle of gambling..I am not TRYING to do ANYTHING except TRYING to cover my ass…clean up whatever financial disaster I am currently in….or find money to go out there again……..THIS CAN BE OK…YOU CAN BE OK
But only if YOU take steps…to make it ok.
So..we can recover or

We can gamble….and if we do..that’s ok…it’s fine….it’s my choice if I do..but if I do, there is a very clear picture, in my mind of where that will eventually lead….I will eventually be alone and penniless OR…I will have to try to quit again…..


Those choices are NOT choices that I make every day.

I don’t have to choose daily….most of the time my mind is clear and bright --- but I remember that time….that crazy…mixed up…fragmented anxious time.

I can have THIS

Or

THAT

There is no in between for me….

THIS or THAT

Which life…do I want to live?