a baffling illness....

I was thinking today about the sites that I frequent...and the content of many of the posts from 'newbies'...you know...'how do i stop?' or something to that effect.

how do i stop?

how is it possible that we cannot stop doing something that we don't want to do?

how is it that we could want to do...so badly...something that we don't want to do?

it doesn't make any sense at all.

the thing that has brought us so much pain...misery...the thing that brought ME to my knees...the thing that hurt so badly....that we wonder if we can ever be happy again...often, we want to die...

yet we don't want to stop.

but then...once we DO stop.... we NEVER want to do it again....except for those few odd moments when we do.

geez

no wonder our loved ones don't 'get it'.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

This Gustav/Ike business has brought back some memories.....when Katrina hit I had five outstanding payday loans.

We were watching the news....we had evacuated...everyone that I KNEW had evacuated...it was coming....it would be a while before we could go home...if we still HAD a home to go back to...

so much uncertainty-

fear-

will I have a home to return to?
what about our kids' schools?
the stuff we left behind....automobiles...contents of our homes...
what will happen to our jobs?
when will we be paid again?
how long can we AFFORD to do this? live in this home away from home?
did all of my loved ones leave?

that was just for starters....

but me...

I had other fears....secret fears that I couldn't share with anyone....

what was going to happen to those loans?
would they give me a 'grace period' because of the storm?
when were they going to start clearing my bank account....and me...without enough money to cover them.....and what was my husband going to say.

so

after the storm...when many of our worst fears had been realized and one out of a hundred cell calls would actually go thru....while the whole world was calling friends, loved ones...making sure people were safe....trying to find out the condition of their property....etc. etc. etc. -- *I* was trying to remember the names of the places I'd taken loans out with (I never kept the paperwork.... it was 'evidence')....and getting numbers for them....and making phone calls....sending emails....buying time.

I was frantic.

my world was crashing in.

two months later...I was living back at home....and sitting at a poker machine...pressing the button pressing the button pressing the button....

blew my whole paycheck in just a few hours.

yeah,

no wonder they don't 'get it'.

if I had never gambled....would I?