the blues

I'm really not wanting to write.

I have the blues.

Not for any particular reason, I think?

So...I'm thinking...no one wants to hear about that.

It's depressing.

and it isn't relevant anyway.

plus....I am prone to isolate when I'm feeling this way.

I just want to...I dunno...to sleep...to be alone.

but I don't REALLY wanna be alone.

I just feel like I am.

and then I make it so.

anyway...I don't really want to write...but I am writing anyway.

I think it's not fair if I don't.

I mean...if I only write when I have that 'spring in my step'.....or even...when crap is happening and I'm not ok....that isn't really fair.

cuz there are THESE times....
and if YOU hare having them from time to time...it may help to know that...well...you are not alone.

even if it feels like you are.

I've had this before...these...'mood swings'...the 'blahs' for no particular reason...or maybe it IS for a reason...but the mood seems excessive for the circumstance?

I think that I don't usually write during it.

I usually talk about it some AFTER it has passed.

but that's not really fair....I'm not sure I can 'capture' what it was like...after the fact.

what IS it like?

I dunno....

I'm not sure if the mood came first...then these other things began to bother me...or if these other things brought on the mood?

Since I've been home...things are good...normal...and any thoughts of gambling that I had when I was away...are far away...and I'm grateful that I got thru them without having gambled.

but then...I was talking to a friend the other day...a friend who has been struggling...gambling off and on...and this friend says 'as you say---if we can forsee any circumstance where gambling may be an option....we must make a plan'.

and I realized that I CAN forsee a circumstance where I would likely gamble.

and I don't want to take steps to prevent it.

that's scary as hell to me.

it's insane.

but still....it is what i feel.

this...'circumstance'...

when we were in Idaho a few months ago, there was a woman on the news...her husband and her two sons...16 and 20 years old, I think, were murdered by an illegal alien from Mexico.

well...the murderers status really isn't important...but...she lost her whole family....in an instant.

I remember years ago reading an article about a woman who lost her husband and child in a plane crash...she survived...and was a mess.

so would I be.

first of all...the likelihood of this actually happen is slim to none (i think)...so I'm probably not in any real danger

but the fact that my mind would consider that an option???

I mean...yes...I would be in despair.

but...gambling...for me....can only lead to desperation...I know this.

so

if I feel terrible

I am going to do something that can only make me feel more terrible??

like i said, it's insane.
and I am fully aware of the repercussions

anway

that's not really what the blues are about, I think.

although that is on my mind....the insanity of that thinking...and how sad it is that even now, the possibility of ever gambling again still lives in me.

but it's more than that....I am on the verge of tears right now...have been for two days and I can't really tell you why.

it's not easy to do this...to 'open up' when I'm feeling this way.

it's ok.
i'm ok.
don't try to make me feel better.
whatever it is...it will pass.
everything changes.
it always does.