Mother's day is coming.....

The other day I heard someone say that Mother's day falls on May 10th this year.

That's the 13th anniversary of my mother's death.

The year that she died, May 10th fell on a Friday and Mother's Day was two days later.

it was a tough day.

When February rolled around the next year...I was nervous...anticipating her birthday...figured it'd be painful....but it came and went...it was OK....then...in April...when MY birthday came...I was devastated.

It was my first birthday without Mom.

thing is....I never once considered that it might be a hard day....it caught me off guard.

The following year...as my birthday approached...I prepared myself...knowing it would be hard...

but it wasn't?

it's like...preparing for the pain actually prevented it?

anyway....

these past 13 years....every time that I anticipated heartache....knowing that some signigicant day was coming...when the day came, I was ok...and on a few occasions....I didn't give it a thought...and missed her terribly....

the combo book, talks about relapsing "when caught off guard and under the right set of circumstances"

so....I try NOT to be caught off guard.....

so May 10th is coming.
I'm not worried....but I am aware.
I will miss her....but I will celebrate....
and I will be ok

I continue to discover these things...to pay attention and make note of what works for me....and what doesn't.....and use that information in the future.

not hopeless

It was a busy week.

I love spending time with family.

I was talking with a family friend this week....her husband has a gambling problem....and I was remembering how I was 'back then'.....

I was thinking about how....at family functions I would be a nervous wreck....trying to think of any reason...any excuse I could use to sneak out for a while....I couldn't sit still...I couldn't enjoy myself....I couldn't enjoy THEM (my family)....I needed a 'fix'.

I don't ever want to be there again....I don't want to lose myself in the addiction...and I don't want to have to struggle (it was so so so hard) to break free of it's hold on me.

I never thought I'd be OK again.
I know people who I thought would NEVER be able to stop....who are celebrating significant milestones (many months....even years)....
We may look hopeless...we may FEEL hopeless....but there really IS a way out.
I would never have believed it.....but there is.

grateful today that I found mine.

now...back to work (ugh!)

A gambling family

My sister-in-law and her family are in town for Easter.

We're a very close family and do everything together.

or we used to.

Monday and Tuesday night she and her husband.....and my brother-in-law and his wife have hotel rooms in the French Quarter....they are 'comps' from Harrah's (where they will be spending lots of time).

When I learned this there was a pang of hmmmm not jealousy....that's not it...being excluded maybe?

In the old days we'd all go.
In the old days, it was sort of a 'tradition'...that my sister-in-law and I would pull an all nighter....the night before she flew home.
In the old days, it was 'tradition' to spend holidays at the casino together too.

When I first stopped gambling, in 2002 there was a great deal of jealousy on my part.... And resentment.....ESPECIALLY the time that they couldn't find a sitter....and they volunteered ME to watch the babies while they were out gambling. LOL.

I wouldn't mind watching the kiddo's at all today.
And I don't wish I could go with them.
And I don't even think 'they should choose something ELSE to do...something we can all do together.'

They'll be in town ten days...we'll have plenty of time to do things together....

This is the first time I've been REALLY OK with this.

In recent years....I would TELL myself that THEY didn't have to not gamble just cuz *I* couldn't go....it was ridiculous to think otherwise.
but it still hurt.
i didn't want to gamble....but i wanted to be with them.
Even when I really didn't want to gamble anymore....when THEY all went....I really wished I could go.

Maybe it has more to do with growing up...than anything else...not feeling that I have to be a part of everything....or taking it personal when I'm not.

I so enjoy being free of this.
Not just of gambling.....
but of the desire to gamble.......
and even wishing I was 'normal' so I wasn't excluded.

I am ok....and I don't miss the 'old days' at all.

Spirituality

The last thing I want to do is to tell YOU what to believe...or how to think or act.....

I'm just sharing what's going on with me.

I shared a bit about Spirituality...or my search for God early on....because I know that many people that i've come across are like I was...and struggle with this higher power thing...or....lots of 'em don't even struggle...they just don't believe at all......and that's ok (with me lol).

but....because there did seem to be so many people without any sort of faith or belief in God....I decided to share that part of my journey as well.

As my beliefs began to form I sort of shied away from discussing it here...only because...when I didn't believe...I really didn't want anyone else shoving THEIR beliefs down MY throat.

but I read something the other day...a very short quote that I would like to share...

"You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body." C.S. Lewis

Summing up a life...

today is a better day...not that yesterday was bad really...just a little overwhelmed and disappointed (in myself).

answering an email to a friend this morning...talking about how....we (or...more accurately *I*) find things that work for me....then...for some reason...slowly move away from them.

well....i know what works....i just need to re-commit to doing those things.

i do understand my childrens' frustrations tho...things that are just natural for other people...take so much EFFORT for me.

anyway...it really is about finding things that work for me...tools for living.

well

i attended a funeral yesterday.
a friend's mom passed away unexpectedly.

tough stuff.
she was only 69.

the older i get, the younger that seems.

i didn't know her that well....but her obituary was impressive....as was my husband's uncle who recently passed away....he too, had accomplished many things that I was completely unaware of.

it occurs to me that there are many people in my life..that I know..that I don't REALLY know....

every one of us has a story......
I'm even wondering about my OWN story.....to sum up one's life in a few paragraphs.....this is who i was...this is what i did.....

you know...my mom led an amazing life....but her obit didn't reflect that...it sort of said...when she was born, when she died, where she lived and listed all of her loved ones.

she didn't have awards to mention...she wasn't the president of organizations.... but she quietly went about touching lives....she raised so many children....we took foster children into our home....she had a personal one-on-one relationship with everyone who was a part of her life....she was one of the most amazing people I have ever known.

maybe....when i read a death notice...I should wonder what is NOT being said there.

maybe...I should take more time to know those things while people are still around...maybe i should find out about people by them sharing their stories with me out loud.....not in the newspaper after they're gone.

Unmanageable

My kids make me crazy.

Yeah- they're teenagers, but it's bigger than that.

I remind them daily to pick their clothes up off the bathroom floor and bring them to the laundry room.
I even make them come home from their friends' houses...or whatever they're off doing....to come pick them up....
but day after day after day....they're there.
they're there now.
friday after school....my son called and said he was going to do this or that...and i said...not until you come pick up these clothes.

so he came home...changed clothes, brushed his teeth, told me he loved me and walked out the door....i walked into the bathroom and...what the h*ll?! his clothes from the morning were still there....i ran outside...he was driving away...i flagged him down...he rolled down the window "what?"
I said "why did you have to come home?"
"to pick up my ...oh no!!!!"
so he parked, came inside, we laughed (sometimes i am able to) and he took care of it.

like i said...they're on the floor now.

they will eat the last of a box of cereal and leave the empty box right on the counter.

i could go on and on...but i'll spare you.

it infuriates me.

at the same time.....when i am straightening up around here....throwing away empty cereal boxes and putting milk back in the fridge....I know.....that they are just like their mother.
I'm better now (mostly)....but I was still doing the same crap...long after I left my mother's home (and it used to drive HER crazy too!).

I bring this up....because *I* messed up pretty bad this morning.
Neither boy got their medication....and my oldest son didn't get his lunch money.

I've spent much of my life saying to myself "I've gotta get my sh*t together"....and sometimes I do....I make a plan...I try to get into routines...and it helps....and I might do really well...taking care of all of the things I have to take care of...for a while...then i'll have a day like today where it all just falls apart.

actually...if i'm honest....it's a process...much like relapsing back into addiction.....I slowly get away from doing my 'routine'...and I might squeak by...managing to get my things done anyway...for a while.....until, like i said...it all just falls apart.

these days are always traumatic for me.....and...it's not the end of the world that my son doesn't have lunch money (although it does suck for him)....and it isn't soooo terrible for them to miss meds for one day....I guess....I get upset because I messed up....again.

so
even tho I understand that what LOOKS like laziness....or them just not giving a sh*t....is actually just an inability to focus on what needs to be done (or something?).....it still makes me crazy.

imagine how their father must feel.
he does NOT get it.

and on top of THEM....he's got ME!!!

he may be a little more anal than the rest of the world...but then...maybe not...maybe it just seems that way to me....this unorganized...last minute...haphazard woman?

he knows exactly how long it will take him to get ready for work...or for a wedding..or for anything.......and at any point during his routine of getting ready...he knows exactly how much time he needs to complete the process....so he just doesn't get it when he says to me "how long before you're ready?" and i have no clue

it could be 10 minutes...maybe 35....i really don't know.
it's cuz i don't do the same things the same way every time...
and
i probably didn't put all of the things that i need back in the exact same place they were in the day before.

oh
from time to time, my stuff will get out of control and i'll re-organize everything...and it will slowly get back to me spending half of my time getting ready...actually LOOKING for my stuff....
he REALLY gets ticked off when I 'borrow' something of his...then i don't put it back in the right spot....I might stick it in a drawer....or...well...it could be anywhere really.

so i know this.
i know that life could be a whole lot easier if
well
if i practiced single-mindedness....if i were paying close attention to everything that i did.
it just takes so much EFFORT.....and again...like with everything else....I can do it for a while....but slowly....i fall away from doing it....back into old patterns of behavior LOL..or LACK OF PATTERNs :)

when i practice singlemindedness...I always know where my keys are...because i was paying close attention to where I set them down....and I know that I unplugged my curling iron....because I can recall it....and I don't have to go back to make sure I locked the front door...because i didn't do it on 'remote control'...I was paying attention.

so it's obvious that i'm having a rough morning.

it's obvious that my dysfuncitonal brain contributes a whole lot to the roller coaster of my life....if i thought/acted/behaved more like my husband (normal people?)....my kids would have what they need today....and I would be having a 'normal' day.....

so it's an easy fix....just put the meds and the money in a pre-set location every morning blah blah blah

i wish it were as easy (for me) as it sounds....

Today, my life feels very unmanageable.

from now on....

My boys' rooms are clean.

They have been bad for a long time.

I don't mean bad.

I mean BAAAAADDDD.

I've been complaining for a while about the SMELL when I walk down the hallway...ugh

I understand the boys' not cleaning them tho.
The rooms were so bad....it was to the point where...even if they WANTED to change it...where to start?
boy, do i know that feeling in my own life.

occasionally they would (at my insistence) clean up somewhat....but when you spend a few hours working...and you can barely tell a difference...it's discouraging. (plus...they are easily sidetracked....and might start out with the best of intentions...only to end up playing video games after a short time).

anyway

the rooms are clean.

i've had someone coming in to help me clean the last few weeks...and she and i got it done.
well...mostly she did....

a few weeks ago, she cleaned one of their rooms....my other son was jealous....it took two visits (plus my working in between her visits) to get HIS done....I told ya...it was bad.

but he came home from school yesterday...and wow.

he saw lots of his stuff in the garbage outside...some things he wouldn't have thrown away....but....she found a photograph that is precious to him that he thought was long-lost.

so he said to me "I'm gonna keep it clean from now on".

"good" I said.

I do know how good it feels when your space is clean. I'm sure he means it.

So I asked my husband this morning if he saw the room...."no"....

I told him what a great job she'd done.

"it won't stay that way"

"he says it will....I think he's tired of living like a pig"

"I think it's just like the conversation we had the other day about their school work...it's 'magical thinking'....they get their report cards...they hate their grades and decide 'Im gonna do better this time' but they don't have a PLAN...they don't CHANGE anything....so the end result is the same, even tho they have the best of INTENTIONS"

"maybe" I said. "they seem to be really pleased with thier rooms...I think they'll keep them that way".

"I don't think our brains work that way." he said.

"what do you mean?"

"I don't think our brains can be completely different in different parts of our lives....like...I don't think you can keep your room clean yet still keep a junky car.....either you keep your stuff clean or you keep your stuff junky".

hmmmm

maybe.

makes sense.

and....my addiction dr. used to say the same sort of things re. addiction.....that....people who leave treatment centers but continue to smoke return to the addiction for which they've been treated at a much higher rate.....that.....we tend to be much more successful in overcoming addiction if we rid ourselves of ALL addictive behaviours.

and that may be true

but that doesn't mean that it doesnt HAPPEN.

having had that information from my addiction dr., I have tried repeatedly to stop smoking.....and to reign in other behaviours that I think are 'related' to this addictive 'condition'..... I've been more successful in some areas than in others......and unfortunately....at the present time....I still smoke....
yet...
I am more resolute than ever with regards to gambling.

for me....gambling has had HUGE consequences in my life....and while I would like to stop smoking for many reasons....the truth is...smoking has not (so far) caused me a great deal of grief.

I'd like to stop...because it isn't pretty...it stinks...it isn't socially acceptable AND it isn't good for me.

but....when I get anxious or frightened or angry.....I want one....and those consequences seem minor and irrelevant.

but I cannot envision any circumstances where I would consider returning to gambling to be 'minor or irrelevant'....

and the old '$20 won't hurt' just doesn't work for me....I understand what happens to me chemically when i sit at one of those machines....and I know....that losing $20 would NOT make a difference in my life financially....but what would happen to me...inside....while I 'played' that $20 would have lasting repercussions......

so

i think my brain *IS* working that way...... I'm still engaging in some addictive behaviours....but there is no way in h*ll I'm gonna allow gambling back into my life.

maybe...... a lot of it has to do with how badly we want it....and the more free I become...the more sane I am...the more I really really want my life.

as for their bedrooms'....
we'll see.

prove it!

Seems like anytime I write about how important our attitude is....or even THINK how well I'm doing...the universe wants me to prove it....wants to see me 'walk the walk'....

so yesterday was one of those days....one of those days when I easily could've 'lost it'....six months ago I probably would have....two years ago I woulda been a basket-case.

but i'm good.
my CIRCUMSTANCES could be better....but me? I'm good.

it would've been understandable...whatever my reaction was....it was a doozy....but as my anxiety level started to increase....i asked myself questions.......what's the worst that could happen? nobody's dead......this thing is bad...but it isn't PERMANENT....this situation is temporary....it will pass....and I will be ok again....so i'll try to just be ok now.

and i was.
and i am.

sometimes....even when difficult or disturbing things happen....I can envision a time (many years from now) when this could (COULD) be a funny story......"OMG...do you remember when this happened!!!"

lol- i think it will be a long long time from now before i find many of these things entertaining.....but knowing that there WILL come a time when this will NOT be important is comforting.

so i'm off....to face whatever today has in store for me.

i think :)

Luck?

I spend a good deal of time in my car....often in silence, with my own thoughts....sometimes I listen to music.....on occasion I listen to 'Oprah and Friends' on XM Radio.

My son gives me a hard time about that.
"Ugh! Oprah! MOM....I can't believe you listen to that! It isn't even Oprah! It's her FRIENDS!!!!"

lol-- but I've heard some pretty interesting things on that station.

The other day someone mentioned an experiment that some researcher had done regarding Luck.....

The premise is that we create our own luck....good or bad.

OK-- I'm talking to compulsive gamblers here....I am NOT talking about a 'win'.....so just to be clear....let's define luck, for the sake of this discussion as your overall circumstances or condition in life and perhaps...to some degree...the chance happening of fortunate or adverse events.

you know....there are some people who seem to have it all....good things just 'happen' to them.....and then others among us who just can't catch a break....

So this British researcher, named Richard Wiseman, has identified four characteristics of people who are 'lucky'...

They are skilled at creating and noticing opportunities.
They make lucky decisions by listening to their intuition.
They create self-fulfilling prophesies via positive expectations.
They have a resilient attitude that transforms bad luck into good.

so here's the experiment they talked about on the radio:

Wiseman selected an unlucky woman named Brenda and a lucky man named Martin.
He rigged a London city block with several hidden cameras leading to a coffee shop, as well as in the interior of the shop itself.
He planted a £5 note on the pavement outside the shop and four actors on the inside. They sat at the shop's four tables, one dressed as a successful businessman and the other three in casual clothes. They were all instructed to behave the same way for both Brenda and Martin.
When Martin arrived at the coffee shop, he immediately saw the money on the pavement and picked it up. Then he went inside, ordered a coffee, and sat near the successful businessman. He offered to buy the man a coffee, and within minutes they were deep in conversation.
When Brenda arrived, she stepped right over the money and went inside. She ordered a coffee, sat next to the businessman, and didn't say a word the entire time.
Later that day, Wiseman asked both of them whether anything lucky had happened to them. Martin told a funny story about how he'd found money on the street and had a chat with a successful businessman. Brenda had nothing at all to report.

Martin had gotten lucky simply by paying attention (finding money) and striking up a conversation (making a potential business contact).

THen....another day, on a different program, on the same radio station, someone told a story about a lady who was had fallen onto a knitting needle....she stood up...this thing i sticking out of her chest...it had punctured her heart.

She goes to the hospital..where the needle is removed, she is patched up and is home in a few days.

Several days after that...a dr. from the hospital calls to say that the CT images taken showed something suspicious...turns out, she had cancer...it was in the early stages...she was treated and has survived it.

There have been times in my own life...where...had this happened to me...I would have thought "what next? a needle in the heart...cancer....how much more can I take?" (ie what bad luck)

but today...I think more along the lines of this woman....who is grateful for the knitting needle accident....because it caused them to find the cancer and get early treatment. (ie, good luck)

same set of circumstances.......but whether it's 'bad' or good'....is all in the way we look at things...



an interesting article by Richard Wiseman:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/scienceandtechnology/3304496/Be-lucky---its-an-easy-skill-to-learn.html