Unmanageable

My kids make me crazy.

Yeah- they're teenagers, but it's bigger than that.

I remind them daily to pick their clothes up off the bathroom floor and bring them to the laundry room.
I even make them come home from their friends' houses...or whatever they're off doing....to come pick them up....
but day after day after day....they're there.
they're there now.
friday after school....my son called and said he was going to do this or that...and i said...not until you come pick up these clothes.

so he came home...changed clothes, brushed his teeth, told me he loved me and walked out the door....i walked into the bathroom and...what the h*ll?! his clothes from the morning were still there....i ran outside...he was driving away...i flagged him down...he rolled down the window "what?"
I said "why did you have to come home?"
"to pick up my ...oh no!!!!"
so he parked, came inside, we laughed (sometimes i am able to) and he took care of it.

like i said...they're on the floor now.

they will eat the last of a box of cereal and leave the empty box right on the counter.

i could go on and on...but i'll spare you.

it infuriates me.

at the same time.....when i am straightening up around here....throwing away empty cereal boxes and putting milk back in the fridge....I know.....that they are just like their mother.
I'm better now (mostly)....but I was still doing the same crap...long after I left my mother's home (and it used to drive HER crazy too!).

I bring this up....because *I* messed up pretty bad this morning.
Neither boy got their medication....and my oldest son didn't get his lunch money.

I've spent much of my life saying to myself "I've gotta get my sh*t together"....and sometimes I do....I make a plan...I try to get into routines...and it helps....and I might do really well...taking care of all of the things I have to take care of...for a while...then i'll have a day like today where it all just falls apart.

actually...if i'm honest....it's a process...much like relapsing back into addiction.....I slowly get away from doing my 'routine'...and I might squeak by...managing to get my things done anyway...for a while.....until, like i said...it all just falls apart.

these days are always traumatic for me.....and...it's not the end of the world that my son doesn't have lunch money (although it does suck for him)....and it isn't soooo terrible for them to miss meds for one day....I guess....I get upset because I messed up....again.

so
even tho I understand that what LOOKS like laziness....or them just not giving a sh*t....is actually just an inability to focus on what needs to be done (or something?).....it still makes me crazy.

imagine how their father must feel.
he does NOT get it.

and on top of THEM....he's got ME!!!

he may be a little more anal than the rest of the world...but then...maybe not...maybe it just seems that way to me....this unorganized...last minute...haphazard woman?

he knows exactly how long it will take him to get ready for work...or for a wedding..or for anything.......and at any point during his routine of getting ready...he knows exactly how much time he needs to complete the process....so he just doesn't get it when he says to me "how long before you're ready?" and i have no clue

it could be 10 minutes...maybe 35....i really don't know.
it's cuz i don't do the same things the same way every time...
and
i probably didn't put all of the things that i need back in the exact same place they were in the day before.

oh
from time to time, my stuff will get out of control and i'll re-organize everything...and it will slowly get back to me spending half of my time getting ready...actually LOOKING for my stuff....
he REALLY gets ticked off when I 'borrow' something of his...then i don't put it back in the right spot....I might stick it in a drawer....or...well...it could be anywhere really.

so i know this.
i know that life could be a whole lot easier if
well
if i practiced single-mindedness....if i were paying close attention to everything that i did.
it just takes so much EFFORT.....and again...like with everything else....I can do it for a while....but slowly....i fall away from doing it....back into old patterns of behavior LOL..or LACK OF PATTERNs :)

when i practice singlemindedness...I always know where my keys are...because i was paying close attention to where I set them down....and I know that I unplugged my curling iron....because I can recall it....and I don't have to go back to make sure I locked the front door...because i didn't do it on 'remote control'...I was paying attention.

so it's obvious that i'm having a rough morning.

it's obvious that my dysfuncitonal brain contributes a whole lot to the roller coaster of my life....if i thought/acted/behaved more like my husband (normal people?)....my kids would have what they need today....and I would be having a 'normal' day.....

so it's an easy fix....just put the meds and the money in a pre-set location every morning blah blah blah

i wish it were as easy (for me) as it sounds....

Today, my life feels very unmanageable.