The Chicken or the Egg

a while back we started family therapy...in the beginning my two teenaged boys were uncooperative..and they're still not crazy about having to go...but things have gotten so much better between the four of us that we've tapered off the frequency of the meetings....going every three weeks rather than every week.

the last couple of times we've gone...the meetings went very well.... as a matter of fact, we don't even look like the same family that we were six months ago....the change in all of us is dramatic.

so that's what we talked about this week....
how did this change happen?

how did we go from that terrible state.....to where we are now....laughing together...spending time together...even LIKING each other (most of the time).

My oldest son said.... that the boys weren't getting into trouble any more....BUT....THAT was because we (my husband and I) are not acting like jerks.

and I'm thinking to myself....well WE are not acting like jerks (punishing them....restricting their activites....always 'fussing' about things they do) BECAUSE they are not getting into trouble.

that was our 'dance'....

someone had to change their behavior REGARDLESS of what the others were doing.

I said.....that those weekly sessions are what made it possible.

I recalled the first night that we went ...we were one unhappy...very angry group of people.

when we were leaving...the counsellor asked us to each identify ONE thing that we could do that could make our family life better....and we did.

and we each did those things...for a few days.....then went back to our old patterns of behavior (as soon as one of us saw another not doing what THEY said they were gonna do...we stopped doing what WE were gonna do).

that happened for a few weeks....the days following our sessions would be pretty good...then we would revert back to the old way.

after a few sessions I mentioned that.

so when we left THAT night...the counsellor asked each one of us to continue doing OUR thing NO MATTER WHAT...even if no one else in the family did THIER thing....we should each do ours.

it's not always easy....and even after all of these months...we sometimes revert back to our old 'dance'....

so that is what our sessions will be about for a while....because we will go thru difficult times again (all families do).....but if we can identify those old patterns of behavior when they pop up....and take steps (which we will be discussing in the upcoming weeks/months)...to get back on track....we won't ever have to do that OLD 'dance' again.

so my son said....that things were better because WE stopped acting like jerks first "It was good that ya'll did that" he said (because they never would have...first).

It all boils down to "Would you rather be RIGHT or HAPPY?"

The old peg had to be right.
Rub your nose in it, right.

today.....well...I'll take Happy any old day.