the way i roll

It's been a while.

I've started to write a few times...then scrapped it.

From the outside my life looks awesome.....and I *KNOW* what real problems are....to be seriously ill...for people you love to be ill...or dying...
yeah...that's REAL problems...the stuff we have absolutely NO control over.

but...
sometimes...when I'm freaking out over something that I know isn't a REAL problem....and I'm trying to convince myself that it isn't a REAL problem....
well
it still seems like a pretty big deal.

like tonight :(

and the position that I'm in right now....I've been here a thousand times before...and no doubt, I will do this again...because it is what I do....as the kids say "it's the way I roll".

but it's a hard way to live.

so we're building a new home...my husband and I.

it takes up a lot of my time.
it's an hour away...so anytime that I have to be on-site, it takes up a good part of my day.
and i have to be there a lot.
and I'm working....
and I have this house to take care of
and laundry
and cooking
and taking care of two teenage boys
plus all of the other stuff that comes up.

i'm not very organized.
i try.
it drives me crazy that I'm not
but i just can't seem to get it together.

and on occasion...when my life slows down...i DO get it together....
but it doesn't last.

so anyway....I've been really busy...
then...my mother in law took all of 'her girls' on an all-expense paid trip to London and Paris for 8 days.

poor me, right?

then I'm home for three days...then we leave on a family vacation to the beach (extended family...all of the in-laws)...great time

and now i'm playing catch up.

i feel like everyone needs something (ten things) from me...and I'm trying like hell to keep my head above water...

and I was
or i thought I was
until tonight.

my boys have orientation tomorrow morning. 9:30 am
school starts Monday.

I just sat down a few hours ago (10:00 pm) to fill out their paperwork when I read that they must show up in FULL UNIFORM.

huh?

did they do that last year?

so I'm scrambling.

nothing fits...and even if it did, it's all tattered...and they will have 'uniform inspections' when they get to school.

i DID have the good sense to send them for haircuts today...but geez....

so the uniform shops don't open until 10:00.
half hour after they're required to be there.

last week, hours after picking up my car from the repair shop (from a huge limb that fell on the hood during a rainstorm)...a rock hit my windshield and it's got a huge crack across it....that happened about 30 minutes after i dropped (and completely busted) my cell phone....and my washing machine died that same morning.

later that evening I learn that my niece has been diagnosed with swine flu (she's OK)...and since we've all been vacationing together...we are all at risk and the four of us are now taking tamiflu (at $91 each!!)

i just feel like i don't have anything left...no money...no time....no energy.

ok-
now you see why i've more or less abandoned the blog....

i'm overwhelmed...exhausted...not doing anything very well...so frustrated....but when I sit to write it ....it sounds sooooo

ummmmm
sounds....i dunno....irrelevant?

i mean....
my niece is gonna be ok
I know what it's like to NEED something and not have the money...
and we DID have the money to pay for the tamiflu (and the washing machine, and a new cell phone)
and so far, we haven't become ill...
our bellies are full
got a roof over our heads (and soon will have a new one)
and as my friend gams would say...
no blood on the floor
no dead bodies...
police are not here....

i know, i know
but right now my insides are doing what my OUTSIDES have been doing--
racing.

I need a break
but i know it's not coming any time soon.

and as nice as it was to go on those trips....and it WAS nice....right now...it causes more of a hardship than it is a luxury.

maybe the flu would be a blessing
a few days in bed
and
an excuse for not getting everything done.

I have no idea what I'm gonna do in the morning (ummm...in a few hours!) but I guess I'll get to bed....I'll toss and turn even tho I'm COMPLETELY exhausted....

there's no light at the end of the tunnel anytime soon.

feeling so tired
and so incompetent.

.........accept the things I cannot change.......