The time we wasted....

I have a friend who sometimes sends me interesting things she finds online and she just sent me something that I'd like to share with you.

Regardless of age, most of us feel that we wasted a lot of time gambling... oh.. and the 'sunk costs' is interesting too.  :)


The link to the original post is here. ... but I'll paste it, in the event that it goes away

"Life Advice: I am in my late 20s, and feel I have wasted a lot of time. Is it too late?"

Reply;  

Too late for what?  

If you slept through your 26th birthday, it's too late for you to experience that. It's too late for you to watch "LOST" in its premiere broadcast. (Though, honestly, you didn't miss much.) It's too late for you to fight in the Vietnam War. It's too late for you to go through puberty or attend nursery school. It's too late for you to learn a second language as proficiently as a native speaker. It's probably too late for you to be breastfed.  

It's not too late for you to fall in love.  

It's not too late for you to have kids. 

It's not too late for you to embark on an exciting career or series of careers.  

It's not too late for you to read the complete works of Shakespeare; learn how to program computers; learn to dance; travel around the world; go to therapy; become an accomplished cook; sky dive; develop an appreciation for jazz; write a novel; get an advanced degree; save for your old age; read "In Search of Lost Time"; become a Christian, then an atheist, then a Scientologist; break a few bones; learn how to fix a toilet; develop a six-pack ... 

Honestly, I'm 47, and I'll say this to you, whippersnapper: you're a fucking kid, so get over yourself. I'm a fucking kid, too. I'm almost twice your age, and I'm just getting started! My dad is in his 80s, and he wrote two books last year.  

You don't get to use age as an excuse. Get off your ass! 

Also, learn about what economists call "sunk costs." If I give someone $100 on Monday, and he spends $50 on candy, he'll probably regret that purchase on Tuesday. In a way, he'll still think of himself as a guy with $100—half of which is wasted.  

What he really is is a guy with $50, just as he would be if I'd handed him a fifty-dollar bill. A sunk cost from yesterday should not be part of today's equation. What he should be thinking is this: "What should I do with my $50?" 

What you are isn't a person who has wasted 27 years. You are a person who has X number of years ahead of you. What are you going to do with them?

Whether you think you can or you think you can't.....

So this post really isn't about gambling.
Or not gambling.

It's about how something can seem impossible.
Or... maybe it's possible for SOME people... but it isn't possible for ME.

And then....it IS happening.

Now sometimes that is because...well... things just happen.

But for other things.... it takes effort.

Hard work, determination, change.

And it's HARD to suffer... to work really hard... to sacrifice.......when you reallyyyy don't think a thing is achievable.

It's much easier to accept that you cannot reach your goal and stop trying.

But.
what.
the.
hell?????

I've got ONE life.

At least, as far as I know I only get one shot at this.

This is it.

One day I will be gone.
It'll all be over.

I look around me and I see all sorts of remarkable stories about people who have achieved unthinkable things.

Why.
not.
me?

They SAY... that what those people have in common is that they BELIEVED that they could.  They KNEW it...

"Whether you think you can or you think you can't--you're right." -- Henry Ford

I guess when people 'think they can' they don't stop trying.

*I* think... that you only have to think it's POSSIBLE... and NEVER STOP TRYING.



When I look back at my life... especially at the time when I was so lost in despair at what I'd done to myself and my family through gambling that I was planning how to end it all.... I never could have imagined where I'd be right now.

It's ridiculous really, that I would be here.

And I'm not where I WANT To be, by any means.... but I won't stop trying :)



So I'll share...

I live in Louisiana, and about a year and a half ago, I found myself on the set of a tv show as an extra (long synchronistic story)... and I had a great time.

I did that a few times.  I LOVED it.  People get paid to be here?  The energy... well.. it's hard to describe what, exactly, the pull is... but i LOVED being there.  And wanted to do it all of the time.

But being an 'extra' wasn't that great sometimes.

And there are actors with minor roles... you know.. the lady in the parking lot, or the nurse who has a few lines....

I don't want to be a movie-star... but I'd LOVE to have small roles here and there... to do it on a regular basis.

So I started taking acting classes.

Most of the people in the classes are in their early 20's and plan to move to Hollywood at some point.

Me, I like my life.
I'm staying put... and like I said... I don't ever want people to know my name or ask for an autograph.

And I'm discovering lots of things about myself.

My current mantra is 'If I'm afraid to do it, then I must.'

So I don't know if it's gonna happen.
I imagine most people think I'm having a mid-life crisis.  Most women my age that are doing this have been acting in theater, or working toward this for many years.

But I am not gonna stop trying.
I'm not.

So for the past year and half, I have been in one acting class or another.  I've got a private coach that I work with weekly.  I have signed with an agent and a manager... have auditioned for quite a few really cool shows/movies (not booking any, mind you)... but this week I am working on a pretty big local commercial.  Lots of people auditioned for this role in several states... and I booked it.

It's weird tho.
When I DON'T book... I feel like I just missed out on a great opportunity... but then when I DO book, I feel like it isn't THAT big of a deal.

That's sort of twisted.
Yeah... learning lots about myself.

Anyway.... it is unTHINKable that people will be making a COMMISSION off of MY ACTING work?  what?

When I signed with my agent, my paperwork had instructions to mail in three self-address stamped envelopes so that they could use them to forward my checks.

I did not do that.
Because it seemed ridiculous that they would ever forward me a check.

So even though I didn't BELIEVE it was going to happen... I thought it COULD... and I never stopped trying.


So now... I need to get those SASE in the mail to the agency :)


Even if you think you can't.
Know that it MIGHT be possible.

And never stop trying to stop.

You are sooooo worth it.

It's YOUR life.

You only get one.

So far as I know.

xo

Love,
Peg

Suicide

It's not a subject I have taken on here before because I'm just not qualified... and 'we' are too fragile... and..well... I don't want to say the wrong thing.

But it appears that Robin Williams has done it.


I'm really struggling with this post... I keep typing and deleting.


The only time I have ever seriously considered taking my life was when I was gambling and I couldn't stop and I was ashamed and so regretful of what I'd done financially to my family.

But I REALLY considered it.  Planned it.

I NEVER would have thought that *I* would have entertained such thoughts.
No one would've.

But I was SO ALONE.
Oh, there were people all around me.... but I wasn't with them.

You know.

And.... I really didn't see much point in going on anyway.  Not for them... certainly not for ME.


I am telling you that things change.
Circumstances can change.
YOU can change.

and you can feel differently.
you can feel better.
you can be happy.


I know.  I wasn't sure that I even WANTED to back then.

But life is worth living.
Maybe not the life you're living right this minute.

But there are so many possibilities for the future.

Reach out.
Alone is too lonely.
You are worth it.

You.
Are.
Worth.
It.

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

List of Worldwide Suicide Crisis Lines http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines


Online Crisis Help

https://www.imalive.org/

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/gethelp/lifelinechat.aspx


Much Love,
Peg

Looking back...

One of the reasons it was so hard for me to stop was because by the time I *HAD* to, my life was a complete wreck.

I had isolated myself from the people who cared for me... and those that WERE still in my world, I had used and/or deceived in order to gamble... OR... I had just neglected them a great deal... so now that I had TIME for them... I was too ashamed to reach out and say 'OK, I'm ready to be me again'.

so I was alone.

And I didn't really have money to do things.... so... if I wanted to 'make up' with someone, it's not like I could call and say 'hey, let me take you to lunch...let's talk'.

I was constantly thinking about how bad everything was.  My financial situation, my relationships.

It was depressing.

Oh, but I knew how to feel BETTER!  Or rather, how not to feel at all.

Hey!  And maybe I could improve my financial situation at the same time?!

Right.

It was NOT easy to break free.
It was a mind game.
Or a mind WAR really.

And I wanted immediate results... 'I'm doing the right thing!  My world should be better... my life should be easier...it isn't fair!'

But then things got good for a while.
Or.. better anyway.

And then... I wasn't gambling... and some really BAD shit happened in my life.
Bad.
Hard.
Scary.

Then more bad stuff.
Then more.

Then things got good.

Then bad again.

Now they're good.

They will get bad again... then good... then bad... etc.

because that is what life is.

But not only did I get through the bad times (somehow)... I was present and able to deal with things.

I can even now say, that as painful as it is, that I became that person that I was when I was gambling... I am glad it happened... because the growth that occurred in the aftermath enabled me to deal with the things that were to come in a much better way than I might have otherwise.

We don't get to choose lots of things in this life... but some things we DO get to choose.

We get to choose who we are going to BE.

And that is a lot.

Do the next right thing.
Then the next.

xo

On being alone...

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

These days I go through some periods of time where whatever responsibilities I do have, don't require me to leave the house much.

It's a pleasure to not have to work full time outside of the home.... not have to deal with traffic... or even get dressed if I don't wanna!

And I don't live alone... my husband comes home each evening around 6... my (now grown) children live here and are in and out of the house.

But I have a study just off of the master bedroom.... and that's where I tend to spend the majority of my day when I can.

It's nice.  Beautiful even... a space created by me, for me, and I enjoy living in it.

However, even though I know that I should 'enjoy my own company' blah blah blah... I often find myself feeling very 'disconnected' and alone.   No, lonely.

I'll check facebook on and off throughout the day... and people are doing things... and I don't really feel a 'part of' any of it.

It's somewhat surprising (to me) to think that someone like me... with many acquaintances and quite a few very good close friends... and also a pretty close-knit extended family, can begin to get depressed in my alone-ness, given my circumstances.

And it IS a form of depression, in a very real sense.  Sometimes worse than others.

Then... I'll suddenly have a day where I need to get out and accomplish some things in the world, and I'll get dressed and put on makeup and go do my thing.... and even if I'm very very busy at home....
I FEEL better.

I get busy and I don't know (or care) what's going on on face-book... I'm just doing my thing...living my life.


When I was working full-time out of the house I could not have comprehended this... I SOOOO needed down-time.

And I still look forward to the days that I have down-time and can stay home.  But having too many in a row isn't so good for me, I think.


It's quite different, but it reminds me of the time, after having quit gambling...when I didn't have anything to fill the time that I had previously spent sitting at a machine.

For so long, I had abandoned my friendships for gambling... and suddenly I was alone.

It is so important to fill our time... to busy ourselves with something meaningful to us.

For a while, after I stopped gambling, having newfound free-time, I decided to volunteer at a Hospice Organization.

That was sad and hard... but it also felt good.
To make a difference for someone.

If you've got time on your hands and are trying to figure out how to fill it, I highly recommend volunteering somewhere.

Actually... I have lots that I SHOULD be doing (around here)... I just sometimes lack the motivation to begin :(

So I'm going to take my own advice now and get busy.
You matter.
Me too :)

Gambling is now officially an addiction?

When I first started blogging I was trying to figure out what the HELL happened to me.

The lying, cheating, stealing woman I had become was so far from who I really was or anything that I'd ever done.

I was a stranger to myself.

In the midst of my gambling, I couldn't see it... I mean, I was aware that I was lying and cheating and stealing and neglecting my loved ones... but my brain was making all sorts of justifications for it.

You know.

Anyway... once I acknowledged that I wasn't OK... I was trying to figure out HOW this happened?  It was insane.

ANDDDD... I needed to know that I could get better.

Could I?

I was told will power wasn't enough.

If WANTING to get better isn't enough.... then WHAT IS?
What do I do?
Can I do it?
Has anyone?

Then I started finding information... AND I was referred to a Dr., who taught me that I had a BRAIN problem.....

I spent lots of time researching that... and withdrawing.... and trying to LIVE WITHOUT GAMBLING.

And eventually I got to a point where I don't NEED to be online hours every day... trying to get better.

I'm better.

Which means I get to LIVE.

Does 'being better' mean that I can gamble now?
For me, it means it doesn't matter... I don't want to (and I'm sure I cannot, by the way).

It's still a part of who I am.... this happened to me, and it was HUGE... I gambled away too many years and more money than I can count.... I shall not forget.  ever.

But I don't know what's going on anymore.
I don't google it.
Don't follow the news.

I'm doing other things.

So someone commented on my previous blog and  shared  an interesting article published in Scientific American in October 2013 which states that as of May 2013 Pathological gambling has been moved to the Addictions chapter in the DSM-5 (previously it was classified as an 'impulse-control disorder')

 http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-the-brain-gets-addicted-to-gambling/


Thank you, quiet, for sharing that.

And to you, dear reader.
You are not bad.
You are not stupid.
You are not weak.
You are not alone.

YOU.
CAN.
DO.
THIS!

Who are you?

There is no way we can start something new without getting rid of something old.

There are 24 hours in each of our days.

Every moment is filled with SOMETHING.... so if we're gonna start something new.... what will we stop doing?

And.... if we STOP doing something... what NEW THING will we fill that time with?

That's a big problem for many of us when we begin the process of stopping gambling.

Our routine is to spend quite a bit of time doing this thing... and now.... we are trying NOT to do this thing... but what to do with all of that time?

Everyone's circumstances are different, but often times, we have isolate ourselves for awhile... and/or have pissed people off....
AND... generally, when we begin the process of stopping gambling, we are broke (or beyond broke).  We don't usually stop until we must.

So that's tough.  We've got no money and we've got no friends.... and we're looking for something to do.

oh... plus... we feel like SHIT... because we're just waking up to the fact that we've made a mess of things.

and having no money and no friends and nothing to do will really make you want to gamble when you finally DO get your hands on a few bucks.

hugs.

it's hard, I know.

So.....

I have an idea.

It may sound ridiculous, or boring at first... but hear me out.


My husband started on the project over a month ago... and *I* thought it was ridiculous and boring... although HE would sometimes get quite excited about it (I have seen others do this as well from time to time and have never understood it).... and then, one night, I decided to help him for a bit... and OMG... I was hooked.  (I'm obsessive, OK?  You should know that by now.)

I'll get all excited sometimes and share something with him... and he said the other day "Why is it that when *I* was doing this, it was silly... and now that YOU'RE doing it, it's cool?"

:)

So yesterday morning I was thinking about this 'project' and how it's affecting me.  And it IS.
And that is surprising.

I feel more

well

important?

no, not important.
well, sort of important.

but... connected.
sort of.

Lots of things really, but it's hard to put words to it (at least right now).

Lots of feelings that I really could've used when I was beginning to stop gambling.  Anytime really, but particularly then.

But.... when you sit down to do it... it is interesting and challenging and rewarding and it takes TIME.

AND... if you have funds, you can do it better.... but without money, you can still do it.... AND... you just might be able to rekindle some of your relationships in the process.

We are tracing our family tree.  Genealogy.  Ancestry.

If you can go back to 1940 or so (manually)... you can find stuff on the internet prior to that.

Well, depending on the people, you can find all sorts of things at any given time... and some people... almost nothing (or nothing at all).

I've traveled down a few wrong paths... and right now I'm questioning one that I can only get answered through a family member (and there's only one family member left who can help me).

Some of my ancestors are actually documented in books... founders of this country.
Some fought the Indians.
They fought on both sides of the civil war.
Some were very poor.
Some owned slaves.
Quite a bit of secrecy.... young women going off to different states to deliver babies that they gave up for adoption.
A divorcee' that called herself a widow on the following census.
A widow who was so hurt (and/or angry) by the way she was treated by her in-laws after her husbands death, she changed the way she spelled her last name (dropped the silent E at the end) to symbolically remove herself from their family.

When I'm researching... I pick a person and I start to dig.
Sometimes I come up blank, sometimes I learn TONS of things (especially if someone else on the web has already researched this person and made their info public).

I like it when a person has lots of info available.  Photos.  Stories.

It doesn't really mean they lived a more important life than someone who isn't well documented.  It only means... that someone who knew them still had their info and for whatever reason has taken the time to gather it (umm... in some cases now, that person is ME)... and put it on a public family tree.

There are some really awesome people on my tree that I can't find ANYTHING on.

Their lives were no less amazing than some of the well documented lives here.... but their 'block on the tree' would make it seem so.

Every one of them matter.
Without them I wouldn't be here.
Maybe our country wouldn't be here...
But surely I wouldn't... my children wouldn't.

Pluck one of these people out of the picture and how would the world be different?

Maybe.... it gives me the same sort of feeling I get when I stand at the shore, feet in the sand, looking out over water that seems to go on forever.....

Like I'm very small and insignificant.... and very big and important at the same time.

One is too many....

So I was browsing old blog entries and I saw where I wrote about dual addiction (and smoking) on Jan 2, 2013.

I'm sad to say I'm struggling to quit smoking, yet again.

I started as a teen... then, in my 20's, I quit.

I stayed quit for seven years.

Then... in the final weeks of my mothers' life... I picked it back up again.

And smoked for years...again.

Then, in 2012, I finally freed myself.

And I stayed free for over a year.

Then... last summer... I did a stupid thing.

and I couldn't stop.

It's crazy... because I was soooo happy to be free of it.
It's a nasty thing to do... I know this.  And it's harmful in many ways, blah blah blah

yet I smoke.

I have decided I'm going to quit this week.
I'm going on a trip this weekend with non-smokers, so it should be easy.  (easier).

So I decided that when I finished the pack I was smoking, I was done.

But I was out this morning and I bought another.


So, I've finally come to accept that I am NOT one of those people who can just 'have a cigarette or two' when they are drinking... I am addicted to nicotine.... and if I pick up a cigarette, I fall right back into my addiction.

So now I must quit again.

I know I can.
I have done it before.

I also know that it's a mind game.
I need to decide to choose that I am really really done.
and be done.
and do whatever I need to do to stay done.

Hell, if I can quit gambling, I can quit anything.  Yes?

I don't ever want to have to quit again.
Not smoking... ESPECIALLY not gambling.

"One is too many and a hundred's not enough."

My way

I can't gamble...Ever.

After several years of abstinence, I thought I could control my gambling.

I can't.

I'll always be an addict... but I no longer suffer.  Gambling does not control me.  Fear of gambling/the need to abstain no longer controls me either.

Gambling was once the center of my life... then, for a time... my life revolved around NOT gambling... but now, I actually HAVE a life.

Gambling is not a part of it.  Struggling to keep from gambling isn't a part of it either.

For me, NOW... recovery means LIVING... becoming the best ME that I can be.

In my despair, I finally reached out for help. 

I was looking for someone to teach me how to CONTROL my gambling... Techniques that would help me to STOP when I was winning... I did NOT want to hear that I could NEVER gamble again.

That was unthinkable.

When I finally decided I was REALLY ready to stop... I wanted a set of instructions.... and there ARE some really good suggestions for achieving/maintaining abstinence... but it's not a real clear.. do THIS and then do that and all will be well.

There's a lot to it, and while others can guide and teach you... you really have to, ultimately, figure it out for yourself.

Because it's about LIVING.

Still.... I wanted those instructions... something I could do right away... and I wanted to see some progress.

I did tons of reading and research and I decided that working on my 'character defects' was something I could do RIGHT NOW.

I'm not sure that character defects is the reason I'm an addict.  That would mean I'm an addict because I'm bad.

Everyone has character defects.

Are 'bad people' more likely to be addicts?  I don't think so.

BUTTTTTTT... if I decided not to lie, not to steal (I did... from my family... using money that should have been spent on other things, even though LEGALLY I had a right to it)...

If I just decided to do the NEXT RIGHT THING... then I couldn't possibly gamble.

Because gambling is never the right thing (for ME) to do.


I see people who are fighting to not gamble, sometimes criticize people 'in recovery' stating "I want to RECOVER... I don't want to be IN RECOVERY for the rest of my life"  or they state that people "in recovery" have traded one addiction for another...

I say, who cares what they do... if that's what they need to do to not gamble/to have their life... YAY THEM!!

I just know what I want MY recovery... MY life to look like... I don't have to call anyone else's way 'wrong'... it's just not MINE.  If it's working for them, it cannot be wrong.  It's right for them :)


Some of those people "in recovery" will say that I am SO VERY WRONG... and that you can't pick and choose how you want to recover... that you must do this and that...

and to them, I say,  'OK'.


Then I live my life...my way.


xoxoxo

Hello again.

From time to time people reach out to me, asking me to update the blog...wanting an update.

I imagine that is mostly about 'are you still gamble-free?'... because when I was stuck in the cycle of the nightmare and couldn't imagine ever being free of it (if I COULD get out of the cycle... I was sure that the DESIRE to gamble would remain)... and... I thought "is that REALLY free?"

and g.a. basically told me (or what I understood from it) was that I'd always be 'sick'.... hmmmm but I COULD be 'OK' if I turned my life over to a power greater than myself.

that was a pretty scary time for me... because I really didn't believe that I could ever be OK, or, God forbid, HAPPY... no matter WHAT I did.... but if turning my life over to ... God? was going to be required, I was pretty screwed, because I didn't believe in that shit.


I tried to learn everything I could about all different types of recovery.... and tried to understand how on earth this could've happened to MEEEEEEE....

but most of all, I was seeking people who had some degree of success. 

If THEY could do it... then it was possible.

And If that is what you're here searching for, then I want to tell you YESSSS... I AM still living my life... free of gambling.. and SO CAN YOU.  There, I said it.  YES people are doing it.  YES it's possible.  Yes, you can be OK.

But it wasn't easy.

My life looks so different now than it did ten years ago.
It isn't perfect.... but that's OK.

I was watching something the other day....  OH!  It was http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability  (you should watch... Ted Talks are great!)... but in one part, she talks about people "numbing"... (I'm improvising here)....and how some people turn to drugs or alcohol or whatever... to numb themselves from pain.. BUT the problem with numbing is that when you do... you are also numb to all of the GOOD stuff.

Ya know... when people are searching for a way out of the gambling-til-I-die cycle, it is usually because they are in a great deal of pain DUE TO gambling.... and they THINK that if they can break free that life will be wonderful... that ALL problems will be solved if they can just stop....
and that's just not possible... there's generally financial problems that must be faced and cleaned up... and then just the random shit that life throws at you.  People you love will die, or leave you, blah blah blah blah.  No it's NOT all good.
But there is a LOT of good.
Sometimes you have to look real hard for it.... or you have to LEARN to look for it... ahhh yes... GRATITUDE.

Ha!  At one point, the 'slogans' so commonly used in recovery irritated me.
But, in fact, these sayings became slogans because they are TRUE.

Nothing  changes if nothing changes.
Feelings are not facts.
Take one day at a time.

These things are not about recovery (for me).  They are about LIFE.
These truths apply to all human beings in all circumstances, not just to addicts/people in 'recovery'.

I love Eckhart Tolle.... practicing 'being present'.  When I am staying in the moment, I am AWARE... and when I become aware.. I seem to have so much... (even if it isn't what I want)... I have no choice but to be grateful.

Clean water!  what a blessing... everyone doesn't have that.
Soap!
A Toilet!
WALLS!

So I'm rambling.

The truth is, for the past day and a half or so I've had a crying spell.  (I'm fine.  It's silly 'problems').
So I was trying to recall... WHEN was the last time I cried?  Really cried.
I can't remember.

Then I woke up this morning remembering a time when I had those days, for no particular reason, out of the blue, pretty often.  In early recovery it happened a lot.  I would be very emotional... I wrote about mood swings quite a few times here.  They were disturbing... so much emotion over something that was CLEARLY not worthy of so much distress.

ha!  funny that when I am elated for NO GOOD reason, I don't question that!
lol

Anyway... this world is full of possibilities.  Possibilities for YOU.  Probably many you haven't even considered... but if you're spending all of your time numbing... and cleaning up the messes you've created.. and covering your tracks... and trying to figure out how to keep on numbing.....

you'll be missing all the REAL stuff that you can and should be spending your life doing.

you control that.
whatever you think, whatever you've been told... if you can or you can't 'get better'.. whatever you believe about that... just DO it.

really.
you're the only one who can.

and you can.

and *I* feel better now too.  Thanks for being here.

Love,
Peg

Time

Geez, I struggle with that.

Never enough.

It's funny because when someone who has been spending every spare moment gambling, suddenly tries to stop... there is a vacuum.  There is now time with nothing to put in it.

That makes it really difficult to stop gambling.

So people who are trying to abstain start looking for other things to do with their time. 
I can remember googling 'things to do when you're bored' and the like.

As I write this, it is clear to me why people must stay active in recovery in order to maintain sobriety...because.... I have been to some really awful (inner) places due to gambling.... and now... with distance.... the memories are somewhat vague and there might even SOMETIMES be a little part of me that thinks (to the gambler who still suffers) "just stop!" 

ha... but the bigger part of me knows it isn't just that easy.  My recall isn't THAT bad.

ANYWAY....

I was talking to my son yesterday about Greek mythology, which, I think was one of the ONLY things that he actually paid attention to in school.... and I was expressing regret.... or... the fact that I have so many interests... so much that I would love to do (and learn)

and I am young (I am going to keep saying that to you in an effort to convince us both).... unless there is some terrible accident, I am likely to live many more years.,.,, but I realize, with some sadness, that there is more on my "TO DO LIST OF LIFE" than I will be able to accomplish before my time here is done.

that makes me want to get busy.

but I'm already TOOO busy!  that's what I'm always complaining about.
no down-time.

I don't know what the answer is.
but honestly... I'm not really THAT upset about the 'problem' (ha! we know what REAL problems look like!)
For now.... my life is pretty damn good.
I'm happy.
I'm healthy.

I'm just going to be joyous in the moment.

Because things will change.
Of this we can all be sure.

If you are sad...delight in the fact that things will change.
If you are happy...delight.... because the fact is... things will change.

have a great day.
take care of you.

you deserve your life...
know that.
OWN IT!!!!!

love,
peg

Hi yall!

So I obviously still have a lot to work on.

I started out the year thinking that I was going to start blogging again regularly (I really am so much better when I do).  But somehow I cannot find the time.

Is it that?  Is it time?  Yeah, it is... but surely I have had a moment or two, here and there, in the past seven or eight months, to sit and write...so it's more a matter of how I choose to SPEND my time.

And there have always been problems around that.... me living some crazy life committed to doing things that I feel like I absolutely MUST do (OR that I really really WANT to do) and never having enough down-time.

Now this is a problem.... but.... I know the audience to whom I speak....and if you are still gambling...or even if you are NOT gambling, but the pain from gambling is still fresh for you.... this must not seem like much of a problem at all.

and you are right.
none of this makes my husband want to leave me.  my loved ones do not suffer terribly and I am not contemplating methods of taking my life.

so in the scheme of things.
this is not a big problem.

ya know.... THAT is really how I look at 'problems' now.

when people are freaking out because they are late for this or that..... or even for some seemingly 'big' problem.... I compare it, mentally, to some big problems that I've had.

is anyone in jail?
got cancer?
do we need to plan a funeral?
is someone caught up in the throes of addiction and cannot stop?
do we need to go to 12 step meetings?
is anyone considering divorce?
suicide?


I could go on....
but those are some of the biggies.

if it doesn't fall into the biggies....or that TYPE of problem.... I am pretty much able to put it in perspective.

my mantra "This is not a big problem.  I KNOW what big problems look like and THIS is NOT one of them."

Of course..... sometimes, there ARE big problems.

I know I've complained from time to time here about my health problems.

I'm really still a young woman (or I like to pretend that I am) and the past few years I have just had some of the craziest shit....
and this past April I finally landed in the hospital.  I was in and out.  Spent a total of over three weeks, had three surgeries. (originally just to look around as the drs were confused)...

I always get the weird shit.

and of course they had never seen anything like this before.
and of course, they could not fathom HOW I had been walking around for the three months prior... not doubled over in pain... blah blah blah

but it's done now.

I'm good as new.  all fixed.  took a while to heal (well... just laying in bed for weeks will take it's toll... my muscles had deteriorated... I looked awful!).

but.... as I said.... I'm all good.

So I am STILL as busy as ever.... mostly (but not all) doing FANTASTICALLY FUN stuff.

get this.... very long story, but (synchronicity)... I found myself in acting classes.... I now have an agent and am beginning to audition pretty regularly.

I think... if I had the time to go back and read my first dozen posts on this blog I would be amazed that I just typed that sentenced.

I am not looking to become a STAR.... and based on where I live, that really won't happen.  but it is possible that I could land small roles on a regular basis.  that would be my goal.

it is SOOOO much fun to be on set :)

I'll try to keep you posted.

and if something does come of it... I will finally come out of the closet.... my boys are grown and I don't think anyone gives a shit if I share any of my past with you anyway.  I'm better now.

sigh.

what a lovely thing to be able to say.

I'm better now.

OK... so I'm writing because occasionally someone new will come across the blog and since it's been abandoned, they are very curious.... what has happened to me?  am I gambling?  what is my status?  can I give an update please?

I have to run.... busy day ahead......

I am good.
I am happy.
More than ever, let me say to you, that your life belongs to YOU and only YOU have the power to CHANGE it.
If you don't like where it is right now, PLEASEEEE take some action.

it isn't possible to snap your fingers and make a NEW, DIFFERENT one appear.

mine did not appear that way..... I just very slowly.... made different choices every day.

keep doing the same things, you will keep GETTING the same things.

today, change something.  one thing.
then tomorrow... change something else.

read.
find books that inspire you.....

make your WORD the most important thing you have.
your WORD is holy.
keep your promises.
don't ever lie.
be honorable.
start small.

but start.
now.
right this minute.

it's the only one you have.

much much love.
you deserve your life....


Peg.

Dual Addiction and Smoking

Did I tell you I quit?

Yep, I finally did it.

Well.... circumstances made it easier than it should've been.

I'll still take all of the credit, thank you very much.

Last October I got a headache.
I get them sometimes.
Bad.
Sometimes they last for weeks.
This one did.
Five weeks and a few days.

BUT
I was extremely sensitive to odors while I had this headache.
Anything with an odor seemed obnoxious.

The second day of the headache, I went outside to smoke a cigarette and it was REALLY gross.

but i smoked it anyway.

The next day I went outside to smoke a cigarette and it was REALLY gross.

and again, I smoked it anyway.

The next day when I was about to walk outside to smoke a cigarette, I thought to myself "it's gonna be gross.  I'll do it later."

Five weeks later, when the time the headache was gone (and odors weren't offensive) it was RIDICULOUS to start smoking again.

I wanted to.
I still do sometimes.

But.... I don't want to smoke forever.
I just don't ever want to quit RIGHT NOW.

I'll quit later.

But I realize that.... if, after having not smoked for 5 weeks, I return to smoking, then I must face that I am going to be a smoker for the rest of my life. 

If I don't stay quit this time, then when?

So I'm done.

I've been trying for a long time.
I've written about smoking cessation several times.  Here's one entry.

Statistically when someone has dual-addictions, they are more likely to relapse if they continue in any of the addictions.  People who quit smoking in rehab centers are less likely to return to drugs or alcohol than people who don't quit smoking.

Lots of people in recovery say to tackle one addiction at a time.
and that worked for me.
but studies are showing that ceasing all addictive behaviors simultaneously is likely to be a more successful approach.

However you decide to do it.... all at once, or one at a time..... claim your independence.

The box

ok,

it's a box, not a jar.

If you don't know what I'm talking about....I mentioned in yesterday's entry that I'm taking the advice of a bit I saw and shared on facebook....

So I have a few pretty boxes in assorted sizes.  I decided to use a box.

Last night both of my children came home at 11:30 pm... so my family was safe and sound under one roof (our home) at the stroke of midnight...and some old friends spent the evening with us....stayed the night and we spent all day together here, cooking, eating...just being together.

That's more or less what my first note says.

Then I sat down here...and read last nights entry....  oops... I FORGOT.... about my return to blogging...

already the 'small' good things are getting away from me and we're only a few hours into the new year.

I'm trying to remember how we spent last New Years Eve.
I don't remember.
ahhhh.... yes.... I do.

That seems like a very very long time ago. 

Lots of forgotten good times between then and now.
How sad.

OK... so it's only Jan. 1 and I'm already making mental notes to put something in the box.

Maybe I need another box....on my nightstand.
and one in my car.
or a little wallet in my purse specifically for holding my good-thing notes.

so I will actually write it when I think it.


Yes, that's definately what I need to do.

Mental note made.

Goodnight.

Goodbye 2012

Ahhh... it's New Years' Eve.

Most people who voice an opinion on the matter are usually all about "I'm soooo glad this year is over...I hope the New Year is gonna be better."

I'd never really given it any thought...until.... one of my friends' shared this snippet... that said... this New Year, why not set a jar aside, and every time something good happens, write a little note and drop it in the jar.  Then NEXT New Years Eve, you can recall all of the wonderful things that have happened during the year.

WOW.

that's different.

so I tried to see how many good things I could recall off the top of my head...mostly they're big things... more like a gratitude list.

but there were many many good (little) things that happened.  And probably BIG things that just don't spring to mind.

that's a shame.


Anyway, back to the jar.  I've heard of people having a resentment box....where you put (or burn) your resentments...and that might be really helpful to some, but it's not something I need.  but THIS....this is cool.... to SAVE memories of the LITTLE things.  The GOOD things.

I am thinking.... if I REALLY get committed to this, I am gonna need a pretty big jar.

what a nice thing to think.

I'm sure a jar of bad crap would be of sizable proportion too!  lol

but I don't want to keep a jar of the bad stuff that happens.


OK....so.... my facebook post says;

"We are SOOO doing this at our house!!
ok-in truth;
 
*i* will be the only one to put anything in the jar...

and by feb 1,  I will make mental notes to put things in the jar (because im busy), but will never actually get around to doing it.

Gonna give it my best shot tho! "


Just for fun....the next day, yesterday, I walked into the kitchen and mentioned it to my youngest son..."what do you think?"  he said "ummmm, I don't think I'm very fond of that idea."

i laughed.
I KNEW i would be the only one to put anything in the jar.

my husband is sitting in the kitchen and he starts WHINING that I put that on facebook.
huh?

he says... that I don't need to be sharing our families business with the world.

uh oh

lol

Jeez... all I did was say that they wouldn't participate in my jar-thing.

He says I said that everybody in our house is a piece of shit except me (*i* will be the only one to put anything in the jar).

I certainly did not mean it that way...but now I'm thinking that if he ever DOES read this blog, I'm in big trouble.

I was actually considering 'coming out'.
you know...posting a photo....doing away with the anonymous thing....but I think I'd better keep it this way.
for now.

If you haven't already stopped gambling, today is an excellent day to do that. 
Your independence day...... 12-31-12
nice ring.

First note that's going in our jar:    I'm blogging again.

Yep, that's a good thing.

I had a lot more to say, but the guests that were supposed to come celebrate with us cancelled due to not feeling well..... and have just called to say they're feeling better and will come if we'll still have them, so I've got to run!

Happy New Year Everyone!
Love,
Peg


P.S.
Later, when I told older son about the jar, he says "hmmmm.... whatever.  I'll do it if you really want to." 

He said it with the same enthusiasm as my younger son ("I'm not really fond of that idea.")  BUT... 
he'd do it for ME.

Growing up  ;)

OK, I'm back.

In more ways than one... I'm back to the blog...but, more importantly, I'm back to being ME.

I've got some co-dependent issues that I need to work on, but for some reason the past few months have just been... mostly stress-free.  Lots of things are LOTS better.... but there are still lots of things that are not ok.

Usually, that means *I* am not OK.  but I am.  the difference is me.  attitude.  perspective.
anyway...more on that later.
maybe.

I've got lots to talk about...I've been in bed with the flu since Christmas, and I have had quite a few sleepless nights...racing thoughts, anxiety.  ugh

mostly I am able to manage that if I just catch myself....and remind myself that

all is well
and all is well
and all is well

all of those mental lists that I'm creating of things I've neglected to do and must get on RIGHT AWAY... I won't even recall half of that crap when I wake up (if I ever fall asleep)...so just RELAX....  let it go....and know that all is well.

usually I can do that.

I was thinking about that.
how that anxiety/racing thought thing (a friend calls it our 'monkey-brain') always happens (to me) at night.
or usually at night.

yeah....when I'm busy, I'm focused on a task, I'm not anxious or nervous or fretting about nothingness (or fretting about important things even!)  I just do what I'm doing...and THINK about what I'm doing.

It's when my mind is idle...when I lie down and there's no plan for the brain, it's just empty space and monkey brain takes over and I can't sleep.

That happened to me a lot more often when I was gambling.
Back then monkey brain wasn't usually making lists of things I needed to do, it was FREAKING OUT...about the BANK ACCOUNT and the CREDIT CARDS and please don't let anyone get to the mailbox tomorrow before I do.
still...useless crap to be fretting over.

ya know there are studies about how laughter affects your body physically.  good stuff.
i wonder how bad that monkey brain stuff is for you.
i imagine it's awful....

stress...yeah....it can take a toll on a body.

but ya know

in 2002 when I was at my 'rock bottom' I was pretty damn stressed.  for a really long time.... but I got BETTER.  and when the STRESS got better the SYMPTOMS brought on by stress got better too.

gotta find what works for you to control stress.

gambling sure will contribute to your stress level.geez.  yeah, if you're gambling, I'd say the first step to reducing your stress level is to find a way to stop.

maybe that's why you're here.

The holidays are wonderful.
I love Thanksgiving.  It's my favorite.  It's MY holiday. 
Everyone comes here....my husbands family and mine....and I cook more food than we could possibly consume...and we enjoy one another's company.  truly.

We have different days and nights that we gather over the Christmas holidays too.  nice.

BUT...I know that holidays are not all cheery and pleasant for everyone.
They are a very depressing time for many.
Plus....lots of people take unused vacation time, and if you're a cg, you may spend that time blowing all of your money..... so even if the holidays themselves were ok.....the time/gambling/money can put you in a tailspin.

when I used to attend GA meetings, the rooms usually had newcomers on Mondays.... and lots after holidays.

Gambling was one of our holiday traditions.
If you've read much of the blog you alreayd know that.... after Christmas dinner (or whatever holiday we were celebrating) most of the adults would go to the casino for some 'fun'.

what a nightmare.
just sitting here....writing...brings back so many memories, feelings.

what are the feelings now? 
It's no longer shame really (THANK GOD!)
I'm not embarrassed
I'm gonna give that some thought.
put a name to that feeling.

the feeling that I get when I recall memories of Playing my tape which is some powerful shit.... I do still have feelings.
i gotta give them words.


ok, what else, I've started reading a book that I want to talk about a little.... I'll give a complete review when I finish the book (I haven't had much time to read as of late)...but there are some concepts intrudoced that really struck a chord for me.... book is "Almost Addicted:  Is My (or My Loved One's) Drug Use a Problem? (The Almost Effect) by J. Wesley Boyd MD PhD.

yep.....we'll talk about that next time.  soon.

and.... if you're struggling right now....or have relapsed..... or just need help finding your way out of the damn hole.... what a great time to reclaim your life.   I once met a lady whose clean date was July 4.  Independence day.

I guess all of us with a clean date could call that date our Independence day.
I think I like that.
I shall begin that practice as of this moment.

If you haven't stopped gambling yet, make TODAY your Independence Day.

Be well....
much love,
Peg

Hello again.

It's hard to believe that it's been over a year since I've posted to the blog.

I've started writing a few times....but it's so hard.  This blog has been about my journey, not only to stop gambling....but about living my life afterward.... without gambling ever being an option, regardless of how crappy things get.

And while I am more or less anonymous..... I don't think I ever plan to delete this blog, so unless google does, or the internet dies..... I suppose it's gonna be here for a long time.

My husband and children know that I blog (or blogged)....but no one has ever expressed an interest in reading it.  I'm not really sure how I'd feel if they did.  I'd let them, but it'd be weird.

But I imagine that someday one or all of them will.  Or people that know them will....and will recognize that it is 'us'.

I've shared many personal experiences here, including stories that included family members, but the past few years my family has been through ummmm quite a bit of ... errr stuff.... that I really DON'T feel free to discuss here. 
Because it's not all MY story.

sure....what I'd share would be what's going on from MY perspective....but this is big stuff and sharing it would cross a line into other people's personal business.....so I've just abandoned the blog really.

That was pretty tough.... this was maybe the most important part of my recovery....this blog....all of you....the emails, notes of encouragement.... and the opposite too....the notes from people who were at the depths of despair who were in dire need of encouragement....  all of that was so important to MY recovery.  ahhhhh  and you kept (keep) me accountable.

it would be really hard to tell my husband that i slipped or relapsed, or whatever, but he loves me and I know that somehow we would get through it (ugh....how painful that would be).

but I have been your cheerleader....I keep screaming at the top of my lungs YOU CAN DO THIS (and if you haven't already stopped gambling, I tell you, you CAN!!).....   
I should think if I were to come here and say that I gambled.....ever......it sort of negates all of that cheering.
I dunno, maybe not.
But I don't want to ever have to do that.  Come here and say that I've gambled.

So I guess, even tho I'm not active here, even tho I'm not writing.....I know you're here....and I'm still accountable to you...thank you for that  ;)

I really wish I'd kept a diary these past few years.  Not a blog...just a personal diary....wow, maybe the old fashioned kind, that one would actually write with a pen in a blank bound book.   You know...to document all of the crap that we've been through (from my perspective) that I can't share with the world.  Maybe some of my family members would be interested in reading that someday too.  My spin on that.

ha.  probly not.

It's just kid stuff.  Well, they aren't kids any longer.  They're 19 and 20.  and we've been through a lot of stuff that is NOT minor by any means. 

And it's not all over, and I'm not sure that everything is going to turn out exactly the way I want it to.

But today.... we are all still breathing, and this is not the worse day we've had, by any means. 

My health has been really bad.  Was scary for a while... I've been checked from head to toe.  all is well.  It's got to be the result of living under a great deal of stress for an extended period of time.

Things are getting better around here, my stress is less...I'm feeling better.  Go figure.

This has probably been the most difficult three years of my life.
and I'd been through some hard times before....but....nothing....NOTHING...compares to this.....

and gambling was never an option.
lol --- I was pretty depressed at times and I considered running away....and once or twice the thought of just ending it all looked pretty inviting.....but I never considered gambling.

I don't know how to explain that.

I've gone from....feeling I could never stop, I couldn't live without it, or at least I could never be happy without it.

and now..... it is just not something I consider doing - ever.   I don't crave and fear it, I simply reject it.  it's no longer attractive to me. 

I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing.  I just know it's a bad thing for ME!

One month from today I will be six years gamble free.  So hard to believe.  yet..... it isn't really.  in some ways, it seems like much longer than that.  In some ways....it seems like a lifetime ago.

In some ways, it has been.

If you're gamble free, even for a day..... hang in there....just today.....

You deserve your life.......and you can do it.

Much love,
Peg

Recommended Reading

Aside from the GA 'combo book' -- the little yellow book that my g.a. group read at the beginning of every meeting.....some of the other literature that has influenced my thinking and my ability to break free and stay free from the cycle of gambling are:

Sober for Good by Anne M. Fletcher -- New solutions for Drinking Problems-- Advice from those who have succeeded. Get sober with or without AA - You can quit on your own - You don't have to call yourself an alcoholic - You may not even have to quit altogether

Now...this book really appealed to me....especially the part that I may not have to quit altogether. I do not have a problem with alcohol. It is something that I can easily put down...but I do believe that what is 'different' about an alcoholic (as well as other addicts) is the same thing that is 'different' about me....we just found a different method of .... um.....soothing? ourselves.

I imagine there are some people out there who have gambled out of control and who can manage to somehow regain control of it. I am sure that I am not one of those people. After several attempts at it.....I now believe that I can live THIS life or that OTHER life (living in the cycle of compulsive gambling-obsessing over gambling when I'm not actually doing it --- and compulsive gambling).

So I fall into the category of 'I have to quit altogether'.......but I did find a lot of good information and inspiration in the book.

I think the author also makes some very good observations on why the traditional 12 step programs do not work for everyone.

Many Roads, One Journey, Moving Beyond the 12 Steps by Charlotte Davis KASL, Ph.D. -- "while many people find twelve-step programs invaluable, countless others find that the traditional focus on conformity, humility, and personal failings is counter to their tremendous need for self-affirmation and community support in overcoming issues of child abuse, sexism, racism, poverty and homophobia."

The author of this book has developed the 16 Steps of Discovery and Empowerment:


1. We affirm we have the power to take charge of our lives and stop being dependent on substances or other people for our self-esteem and security.

Alternative: We admit/acknowledge we are out of control with/powerless over _________ yet have the power to take charge of our lives and stop being dependent on substances or other people for our self-esteem and security.

2. We come to believe that God/Goddess/Universe/Great Spirit/Higher Power awakens the healing wisdom within us when we open ourselves to that power.

3. We make a decision to become our authentic selves and trust in the healing power of the truth.

4. We examine our beliefs, addictions, and dependent behavior in the context of living in a hierarchal, patriarchal culture.

5. We share with another human being and the Universe all those things inside of us for which we feel shame and guilt.

6. We affirm and enjoy our intelligence, strengths, and creativity, remembering not to hide those qualities from ourselves or others.

7. We become willing to let go of shame, guilt, and any behavior that keeps us from loving ourselves and others.

8. We make a list of people we have harmed and people who have harmed us, and take steps to clear out negative energy by making amends and sharing our grievances in a respectful way.

9. We express love and gratitude to others, and increasingly appreciate the wonder of life and the blessings we do have.

10. We learn to trust our reality and daily affirm that we see what we see, we know what we know, and we feel what we feel.

11. We promptly admit to mistakes and make amends when appropriate, but we do not say we are sorry for things we have not done and we do not cover-up, analyze, or take responsibility for the shortcomings of others.

12. We seek out situations, jobs, and people that affirm our intelligence, perceptions, and self-worth and avoid situations or people who are hurtful, harmful, or demeaning to us.

13. We take steps to heal our physical bodies, organize our lives, reduce stress, and have fun.

14. We seek to find our inward calling and develop the will and wisdom to follow it.

15. We accept the ups and downs of life as natural events that can be used as lessons for our growth.

16. We grow in awareness that we are sacred beings, interrelated with all living things, and we contribute to restoring peace and balance on the planet.

Charlotte Kasl, PhD. copyright 1991 (materials must retain copyright if reproduced)



Kasl emphasizes that her criticism of AA is tempered with the knowledge that Bill Wilson was a product of his time - Depression Era America - and she appreciates his 'open-mindedness, creativity, flexibility, and willingness to change' but by contrast, many AA loyalists offer pat answers, closed minds, and dreary rhetoric. She says that AA is based on a sin-and-redemption philosophy: "You're a sinner and you have to make up for that for the rest of your life. There's nothing about love and trust, there's nothing about validating your strengths, about celebration, about joy".

Author and psychologist Jane Middleton-Moz, who has been treating Native Americans and other 'minorities' from addictions for 25 years says, "For people who have been oppressed for years and years - generations, actually - to say, "I am powerless" or "Turn it over" is to say something they have felt their whole lives."

In contrast the 16 Steps are a positive, flexible and holistic self-support alternative that offer support for a wide variety of quality of life issues, such as addiction, codependency, abuse, self-esteem, personal empowerment, and more. 16 Step groups encourage us to... "...celebrate our personal strengths, have choices, stand up for ourselves, heal our physical bodies, express our love for each other, and see ourselves as part of the entire community, not just the recovery community."


Questions and Answers on Addiction by Howard Wetsman MD-- "There are two main points to this book...the first is that addiction, not alcoholism or cocaine dependence or compulsive gambling, is the disease that requires medical attention as opposed to any particular behaviors patients or their families find troubleing. The second is that addiction usually causes symptoms before the troubling behavior started and will continue to cause symptoms after the behavior stops..........the illness does not go away with the drugs. The new science that has emerged and continues to be discovered tells us that this brain disease is a chronic progressive condition that requires care throughout the life cycle much as does diabetes, asthma, and hypertension....This is a hopeful time for the treatment of addiction, and that hope is what this book is about."

I've mentioned this book on my blog before...it was written by the dr. that treated me for addiction and I believe that he helped me to save my life.


Excessive Appetites - A psychological View of Addictions by Jim Orford -- this is actually a textbook that a friend recommended to me. it was quite expensive but (now that my financial situation has improved) was worth every penny....the author offers a different model of addiction, and believes that" with alcohol, Excessive Gambling deserves a central place in our picture of the addictions."


That was the first time I'd heard that. Most addiction treatment centers, except those solely dedicated to compulsive gambling, do not treat, or do not know HOW to treat compulsive gamblers....the fact that we don't actually INGEST something to get us high, actually makes even other addicts not able to relate to us.


These are just a few of my personal favorites....there are others that I may mention from time to time.

Peg

Hitting Bottom

A few months ago I wrote a post on Safe Harbor, and someone pointed out that while I listed my date last gambled as 10 30 06 --- in my post, I mentioned that I hit my personal rock bottom on 4-15-02.

Isn't that something....one of the worst days of my life.... one of the SCARIEST days of my life..... and yet.... even after that, I continued to gamble.

Well...it didn't happen exactly that way.....and it's a little complicated..... I did stop gambling (although not until July of 02) for nearly two years.

and then, I went back.

Now some people might say that I started up again because I wasn't attending meetings or working my program....but then....I've seen lots of people who go to meetings all of the time....and have a sponsor and are working the steps....and they relapse.

so it looks to me like....it isn't that uncommon to relapse, regardless of what we are doing.

for ME.... relapse (which implies that there has been a bit of clean time) is a DECISION to return to gambling.

I firmly believe that when I was caught up in the cycle, the ability to DECIDE whether or not to gamble eluded me. I could not choose not to. I was driven to it.

But....

by educating myself about what is wrong with me (and I do believe that my brain is a little different from the folks who can walk into a casino and leave when they want to...and do not crave to return)..... and by finding other people who can understand me (because people who are not like me can NOT understand....it's just not NORMAL to be this way).....

maybe the most helpful thing for me was finding people who seemed 'normal' (free of the cycle) now...but by listening to them... it was clear they understood me...they had been thru it...they had been there...they had suffered as I was suffering....financially, emotionally...yet.....they were free....and ok.

could I be ok again?
some of the stories of the folks who were ok sounded as bad or worse than my own story.

and they were ok.

I clung to those people like a lifeline....
for me, those people were online, but it really doesn't matter where one finds them...in a treatment facility, the rooms of g.a., anywhere....but finding people who 'got me'....who could point out my 'thinking errors'.....or....who would just listen...and understand.....who could share their stories....of what they'd been through...and HOW they'd broken free.

In those days my level of anxiety was extreme.

My whole world was crashing in. My finances were a wreck....my marriage was crumbling.... I didn't even know who I was any more.

I didn't see any way out of the mess I'd created and I seriously thought that taking my life was the only way out.....

but then...I found people who had been there....and were ok.

some of them still had a lot of debt....but they were living their lives.....taking care of things, not running from them....getting second jobs.... they seemed...calm...relaxed....unlike the turmoil that was going on inside of me.

Ya know...I've also met a lot of people who have managed to stop gambling...and I don't want to be anything at all like them LOL.

but that's their business...not mine.

I sought the people that inspired me.....people who made sense when we chatted.....

but I didn't start doing that until 10-30-06.

finding out how to take care of myself.

when I first stopped gambling in 2002.....I always knew...in the back of my mind, that I would gamble again. I didn't know when.....maybe it would be many years from now...maybe not so long...but I know when I had a good enough EXCUSE...that I would return.

and that's what I did.
after nearly two years of not gambling...sometime in 2004.... I was suffering.

I had lost a baby....I was helping to care for my father-in-law who was dying....I was trying to care for my own husband and children, I was physically and emotionally exhausted.....and hurting.

who could blame me?

so one morning..when I had a bit of time...I stopped...I knew I couldn't hurt myself badly...I didn't have much cash, and while I had earned enough trust to have a debit card, my use of it was monitored closely by my husband.

but I was sneaky...and found was around it.....so, I was right...that morning, I didn't hurt myself (financially)...I stopped...I gambled the money in my purse...and left.

and I didn't go back for a few days...or mabye a few weeks....but it had begun again.
I was back in it.

and it grew.

I gambled in secret for nearly two years.
while i did over extend myself (and made payday loans and borrowed money from friends and family) I did not reach the level of insanity that I had in 2002.

Part of that was because I was monitored closely and REALLY did not want to get caught by my husband....part of that was because I had educated myself (somewhat) during my initial clean time.

Now some people will say that it isn't important why we gambled.

And maybe it ISN'T important for some people.

But it was (and remains) MY belief that....knowledge is power....and while UNDERSTANDING addiction/compulsive gambling alone is not going to keep me safe....that knowledge is a big part of why I am still free today.

more later.
xo

I'm back.

Wow!

I can't believe I last blogged in January.

The truth is....the past couple of years I've had some things going on in my personal life that I did not feel free to share with the world.... there are other people involved.... and I respect their privacy.

One day, they may or may not choose to share their stories...but it is't my place to do it.

And....this whole blog has been about...dealing with LIFE....not just stopping gambling...stopping gambling is NOT easy...it sucks...but the REALLY hard part is to deal with the day to day crap that the world throws at us.....and to continue to choose to live gamble-free.

Many times I've started to blog, but it was very difficult to do....without talking about the things I don't feel free to discuss....so I'd scrap it.

and....the 'stuff' isn't over yet....but.....my life today is not ALL about that (as it has been for a very long time).... I am actually beginning to live MY life again.

most of the time LOL

Anyway...I don't imagine I'll jump right back into writing daily....but....I'm back.

I'm doing well....still gamble-free.

I hope you are too....and if not....you can be. know that.

Love,
Peg