Just living

I'm OK.

I found a website a few years ago-- some guy started it--it told his story of his descent into compulsive gambling....and his way out...he'd developed some software to keep online gamblers away from gambling sites that he gave away free of charge and he started a forum.

I posted on the forum a few times and checked it pretty often...because there wasn't much traffic there....and then, one day, it was just gone...the entire site...gone.

Did he die?
Was it just too expensive to keep the site going month to month?
Is he gambling again?
or.....
maybe he's just living his life....and whatever need was filled by creating that site is no longer a necessity in his life.

I do wonder.

So....
for those of you who have been wondering about me (and I will get around to answering all of my emails)....

I am OK.
I haven't died....and I'm not gambling.

In fact....I've been doing what people are SUPPOSED to do.....living my life.

At one time the thought of that frightened me.....I've 'walked away' from 'recovery' before and that (eventually) led to disaster.

This time is different.

I'm not really 'walking away'....

I still read posts regularly at safe harbor.....and I'm in touch with many of my friends....or....lately I haven't been writing...but you're on my mind :) so you still FEEL close.

and
I am still very much interested in evolving into the best human being that I can be.....

so while I am BUSY....with DOING all of the things that I do.... I remain aware of who I am....and what I want....and I continue to learn and grow.

it's when i am just 'going thru the motions' of life that i put myself in danger.

So I live in New Orleans...Tuesday was Mardi Gras Day.
It's a big deal for us...lots of folks come in from out of town...we spend nearly a week in the French Quarter eating food I don't have to prepare :) and attending parties that I don't have to clean up after.
not to mention seeing lots of old friends...and meeting new ones.

Also...I don't think I've mentioned before that we are in the process of building a new home. We've been planning it for quite some time but are now actually building the thing. An amazing process, for sure....to have this image in your mind.....getting it down on paper....and then watching it all come to life.

I've not been working very much lately....I've got lots to do there and plan to rededicate myself on Monday.

My boys.....things are better lately (although....I imagine the fact that they are off of school for 9 days...Mardi Gras....helps)....school has always been a source of 'tension' for us.
Anyway...they're getting better.

I know they're teenagers.
I KNOW they're gonna do stupid stuff.
I know it's normal...and that in a few years they grow out of the stupidity and will become a part of this 'family' again....

I think it's already beginning to happen with my oldest (17)...who watched some movie with his friend the other night...said "Mom...this movie was so powerful...you know how you are always nagging at us about how sometimes making a bad decision can turn REALLY bad and affect you for the rest of your life?" blah blah blah

so....he's getting it!
some of it is getting thru.

when people talk about rasing teenagers, I had no idea this is what they meant.
I was moody.
I was selfish.
I did a lot of bad stuff my Mom never found out about lol

but I know that she didn't suffer /worry like i do.

maybe it's because my boys get caught?

I dunno...I just hope that they...or...we all...live through this.


Anyway...I'm just living is all.
I've thought a lot about the blog lately...a thought will come to me and I'll decide to write about this or about that....but I just don't find the time to sit and DO it.

Do I think about gambling?
Never.
That is different from the 'last time' too.

There is not a part of me that yearns to sit at a machine...a part of me that I am trying to contain or tame.

I know that if I WERE to sit down at a machine, that part of me would come alive again.....so I'm resolved to not do that (sit down at a machine).

Nope.
Not me.

Just living......