Monday, October 26, 2009

The 'wanting'

Coming up on three years free of the cycle.

the cycle of waking up every morning plotting....where can I get money and/or how can I get away?

then gambling until time and/or money ran out......

then covering my tracks....

then begin plotting anew.

it really does sound crazy now...three years out.

but when i was in seemed to be the most natural thing in the world.

how on earth could life be any different?
why would I WANT it to be?

you know....

anyway....nearly three years.

I'll be out of town.

Last year...on my two year 'anniversary' I was on the West coast for a funeral.

This year....East coast for a wedding.

Travelling is very different for me...

when i was in action....there was a lot to worry about when i went out of town.

what mail would come...and who might see it?
and to handle any payday loans that might be coming due.

how sad...that during times when I should have been relaxed...enjoying myself...I was full of anxiety that my whole world would come crashing down at any time.

So a friend was asking I still have the 'want'.

The short answer is no.
It is the rare occasion that a thought to actually gamble crosses my mind.
and when it is a thought....not 'wanting'.

I don't demonize it.
I'm not angry at the industry....
nor do I fear it....
and reading notes from people who come across this blog.....or posts on safe harbor and gamcare (I think) is what keeps me from glamorizing it....

I know that if i were to sit at a machine --- (I sort of envision myself sitting at a stool....and old friend...) it would 'feel good'.

but that knowledge doesn't bring on the 'wanting'.

but I'm cautious---
I know that if and when the 'wanting' ever does can be powerful.
I know that certain things can bring about the 'wanting'......
being around gambling may or may not do it
listening to stories (let me tell you about this new machine...or i won blah blah blah) may or may not do it.
sometimes...just being stressed out or depressed can bring it on.

but the longer I go without gambling...the less often I experience any feelings of 'wanting'....and it is not REALLY a 'wanting'....not in the same way that it was three years ago....not at all.

and so far....when the 'wanting' has come....and I imagine myself sighing as I sit on that stool....
i know that the relief and the 'feel good' that I would have would also be accompanied by other things.....anxiety, shame.....and the inablity to stop.....and the 'wanting' would be back. full on. to day....I am just living my life...without any urges or want or even thoughts of gambling.

there was a time I couldn't stop for three days...
couldn't imagine being able to do without it for three months....
I'm doing day at a time.

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