Sunday, December 6, 2009

I don't gamble....

when i was new to recovery...i didn't know ANYTHING.

until i found ga, i thought i was the only one 'like this'.

then i soaked up everything i could learn.

and it became what i believed.

when people would say things to me that were in opposition to my beliefs at the time, I defended what I believed strongly.

for a while.

with time (and the blessing of the internet)...I was exposed to many people...different types of people with different types of recoveries..different thoughts and beliefs....and my own ideas about life, addiction and recovery continue to evolve.

i sometimes cringe about how closed-minded i once was.

anyway.....this line of thinking has occurred to me in the past...and i may have blogged on the idea long ago, i don't know.....

but the evolution continues:

My husband and I went out to dinner last night with some old friends...a few of mine from years ago.

after dinner we went to a local of the guys starts telling me that he recently made a big win playing video poker there....of course...I was gambling all those years ago....

I said "I don't gamble any more".

he said "oh yeah, I know...I have to watch myself too"

I said..."no...I don't gamble all"

we spoke of it for a few more minutes then began talking about something else...

but it made me think about calling myself a 'compulsive gambler'

I mean....if I gamble, that will be an apt title...

but...I'm addicted to nicotine.

I stopped smoking for 7 years....then...when my mother was dying....I was with a family member who was smoking...I bummed one....and I haven't stopped....13 years later.

so I'm addicted to nicotine
i will always be addicted to nicotine...
no matter how long i stop smoking...when i stop smoking....i am always at risk of returning to the addictive behavior.

i have a friend who smokes maybe three or four times a year.
i can't do that.
i'm the all or nothing girl.


when I wasn't smoking...those seven years....what would I call myself?

I called myself a non-smoker.

i was still an addict but i didn't differentiate myself from anyone else who did not smoke.

I've called myself a 'compulsive gambler' for a long time.
it's true.
I was.
and if i ever gamble again....i will, once again, be a compulsive gambler.

and I don't have a problem with anyone else....doing it their own way

but the truth is.... today....i am not a compulsive gambler.
i take great pains....not to gamble at all...ever....for anything.

I am a non-gambler.

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