Wednesday, March 3, 2010

How relapse happens...

well I'm sure there are many ways.....
this is only one.

I've been really really busy.
Teen boys....building a home...
the new home is ready now, but it's an hour away...with the end of school only eight weeks away, we are at the old house on school nights and the new house on weekends....
so I'm maintaing two homes.
Our financial situation has changed....we need to sell the old home needs work...but we'll have to do the work ourselves.
oh yeah...and working, cooking, laundry, blah blah blah.


these past few years the one thing that I have continued to do faithfully is read posts at safe harbor...but in recent weeks I haven't been doing that either.
no time....
or..when I *DO* have some time...I'm pooped and opt to do NOTHING.


my husband received four tickets to a NASCAR race in Las Vegas last weekend...complete with passes to Hospitality Village...and a sponsors tent. blah blah blah


I can do it.
I know this, I've done it before, several times.
Besides, gambling is no longer an option for me.... I know what the life I want looks like and gambling is not a part of it ---because when I becomes my WHOLE life....gambling could never be a 'part' of my life...I know this.
I know lots about addiction.
I know lots about me.
I'm good.

Before we left my husband asked "are you going to be ok?"

I appreciate that.
I'm glad that he knows enough to be concerned.
I told him I'd be fine in Vegas....he would be WITH me...the danger for me is AFTER the trip...the danger is that being there will make me want it again...and I will act on that when I have the opportunity.

Telling him when I'm in danger helps to keep me safe.

Although....thinking about it now...he hasn't asked me how I'm doing since we've been home. hmmmm

we go.

If you've ever been to Vegas, you know that there is sophisticated planning (I think) to target people EXACTLY like me...

you enter the place and find yourself smack dab in the middle of flashing lights and ringing bells...and you have to walk to the OTHER side of the casino to check into the hotel.

then you have to walk to the elevator...on ANOTHER side of the casino....
the doors, the restaurants, the coffee shop, no matter where you are and where you want to go, you have to walk through the middle of the casino to get there.

no problem...done it before.

the first morning my husband went down to get us coffee while I was still getting ready.
the next morning I got up *I* was going to go down.
I didn't have any urges.....
but I know that I have to protect myself....
so before I left the room I texted him to tell him I was going down for coffee and would be right back...and I did and I was.

to be clear lol we were in separate rooms becuse we took my son and his girlfriend....husband stayed with son...I stayed with the girlfriend.


we went...we enjoyed ourselves....I did not gamble...all is well.

but something happened inside of me.

a change.

a week ago I was certain that I would never gamble again.
No matter what.

I'm not in danger right now.
I'm not going to

but my thinking has changed...

when I was walking through the casino... it really didn't look so bad....
I didn't WANT it.
but I sort of decided that I may do it again someday....

crazy, huh?

I mean... the logical intelligent part of me knows that's a friend said to me "that's like saying life is good now but one day I'm going to kill myself".

I know.

the good thing is...I know what I have to do to be safe.....and to get back to rational thinking...AND...I still WANT to be safe.

that's the key.

see....sometimes...we get to a place where we know what we SHOULD do....we may even WANT to do it....but not as much as we want to gamble.

I'm not there yet..... and I'm gonna do what I need to do to be ok...

I know that 'one day at a time'...the present....right the only thing that really matters...but for ME.... it's important that the door remain closed....that gambling is not an or in the future....

it just can't be a part of my life.


1 comment:

Biggest Idiot said...


Here is my recovery blog

... Copied your blog name.. I want to copy the progress to addiction free also...

Thank you so much...