Thursday, May 13, 2010


I know that I owe some of you responses to emails.
I'm sorry I haven't already done it...and I do appreciate your support.

It's partly because I'm just so dI\*mn busy living....
stsill...I tend to neglect friends and family when I'm too busy or tired...something I need to look at.

The truth is I have been wanting to blog...needing it even....but a lot of what is going on in my life right now isn't just about ME... I don't think it's appropriate of me to discuss it with the world since it aaffects other I haven't been writing at all.

I should maybe start journalling on paper...for my own benefit.

Anyway...I've been searching again.

Isn't it something that it's what I do when I'm in (emotional) pain?

Well...not always...
I used to hide in my addiction.

You know...when I first started on this spiritual was out of fear and it was in search of some sort of god.
I was sort of convinced that it was necessary to believe...... I mean.... the only people I knew of who had broken free of addiction said that the only way I could do it was through a higher power.

I wasn't sure if that was right.
But I knew that I had been trying to stop on my own and I couldn't.
I just couldn't.
well...that isn't really true.
I coult stop,
I just wasn't very successful at STAYING stopped.

not when bad shit happened in my life.

so I started searching...
and changing things (character defects?)

not because my defects caused me to be 'bad' (active in addiction).
I really don't think my addiction is due to bad behavior or moral
if I am doing things like being HONEST...and doing the next right's almost impossible to become wrapped up in addiction again. i really don't think one can be honest and engage in addictive behaviors.
at least....not honest wsith one's self.

so where was I?

OK- searching spiritually....changing character defects...and

finding new coping skills...
when life falls apart (and it will)
having new and different (better) ways of dealing with...well...suffering.

I could list some of the coping skills that I've 'gathered'....
-staying connected to others in recovery is a big help...and reaching out to them when I'm struggling with life...they get me (us) like 'normal' people don't. other cg's help me immeasurably.
-educating myself
-learning to relax
-practicing awareness
-recognizing my 'addictive voice'

Those are the primary ones anyway.

But I just realized something else...

I said....some of the things that I've done is:

spiritual searching
working on character defects
develop new coping skills

I've been thinking...that one of the 'coping skills' that I now use is 'spiritual searching'.

I the past....I end up in emotional pain I gamble...and when my world is falling apart and Im trying to pull it all back together, I 'seek spiritually'.

Presently....I've just skipped the gambling part.

My spiritual quest is different than it was in those early days when I was 'looking for god'.

and even later...when I was trying to figure out who I was...and what it's (life) all about.'s about finding ways to be at peace.

to remain calm on the inside when the outsside is wacked.

I was introduced to some spiritual material in 2002 (my first real attempt at quitting)...and it was awesome..this 'information'.....and I have used it.....but ass time goes on, I think about and practice these techniques lesss and less.....and then I end up in pain (because that is life)...and I turn back to it.
not necesarily to the same material (CD's this happens to be)....

sometimes books...different authors..

the more I listen...the more I is so clear that they are all saying the same things.

I get very excited about this stuff when I'm actively pursuing it.
It energizes me.
I wonder why I keep having to 'return' to it? i.e. why do I ever walk away?

more later....soon.


jonevening said...

I think the hardest part to recovering from any addiction is based on how you cope with the situation. I find it great that you're coping in some fashion rather than ignoring. If you think that you still need to reach out and get more help then I'd suggest looking into They're recommended nationwide because of their success but also because of their ability to cater to anyone regardless of their needs or addictions. They're incredibly compassionate and so focused on making sure you're fully recovered. It's such a great rehab.

Unknown said...

I think the key is to find a great sponsor

Unknown said...

Has anyone heard about the following website.
Wanted to know before I downloaded the App.