Sunday, September 30, 2012

Hello again.

It's hard to believe that it's been over a year since I've posted to the blog.

I've started writing a few times....but it's so hard.  This blog has been about my journey, not only to stop gambling....but about living my life afterward.... without gambling ever being an option, regardless of how crappy things get.

And while I am more or less anonymous..... I don't think I ever plan to delete this blog, so unless google does, or the internet dies..... I suppose it's gonna be here for a long time.

My husband and children know that I blog (or blogged)....but no one has ever expressed an interest in reading it.  I'm not really sure how I'd feel if they did.  I'd let them, but it'd be weird.

But I imagine that someday one or all of them will.  Or people that know them will....and will recognize that it is 'us'.

I've shared many personal experiences here, including stories that included family members, but the past few years my family has been through ummmm quite a bit of ... errr stuff.... that I really DON'T feel free to discuss here. 
Because it's not all MY story.

sure....what I'd share would be what's going on from MY perspective....but this is big stuff and sharing it would cross a line into other people's personal I've just abandoned the blog really.

That was pretty tough.... this was maybe the most important part of my recovery....this blog....all of you....the emails, notes of encouragement.... and the opposite too....the notes from people who were at the depths of despair who were in dire need of encouragement....  all of that was so important to MY recovery.  ahhhhh  and you kept (keep) me accountable.

it would be really hard to tell my husband that i slipped or relapsed, or whatever, but he loves me and I know that somehow we would get through it ( painful that would be).

but I have been your cheerleader....I keep screaming at the top of my lungs YOU CAN DO THIS (and if you haven't already stopped gambling, I tell you, you CAN!!).....   
I should think if I were to come here and say that I sort of negates all of that cheering.
I dunno, maybe not.
But I don't want to ever have to do that.  Come here and say that I've gambled.

So I guess, even tho I'm not active here, even tho I'm not writing.....I know you're here....and I'm still accountable to you...thank you for that  ;)

I really wish I'd kept a diary these past few years.  Not a blog...just a personal, maybe the old fashioned kind, that one would actually write with a pen in a blank bound book.   You document all of the crap that we've been through (from my perspective) that I can't share with the world.  Maybe some of my family members would be interested in reading that someday too.  My spin on that.

ha.  probly not.

It's just kid stuff.  Well, they aren't kids any longer.  They're 19 and 20.  and we've been through a lot of stuff that is NOT minor by any means. 

And it's not all over, and I'm not sure that everything is going to turn out exactly the way I want it to.

But today.... we are all still breathing, and this is not the worse day we've had, by any means. 

My health has been really bad.  Was scary for a while... I've been checked from head to toe.  all is well.  It's got to be the result of living under a great deal of stress for an extended period of time.

Things are getting better around here, my stress is less...I'm feeling better.  Go figure.

This has probably been the most difficult three years of my life.
and I'd been through some hard times before....but....nothing....NOTHING...compares to this.....

and gambling was never an option.
lol --- I was pretty depressed at times and I considered running away....and once or twice the thought of just ending it all looked pretty inviting.....but I never considered gambling.

I don't know how to explain that.

I've gone from....feeling I could never stop, I couldn't live without it, or at least I could never be happy without it.

and now..... it is just not something I consider doing - ever.   I don't crave and fear it, I simply reject it.  it's no longer attractive to me. 

I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing.  I just know it's a bad thing for ME!

One month from today I will be six years gamble free.  So hard to believe.  yet..... it isn't really.  in some ways, it seems like much longer than that.  In some seems like a lifetime ago.

In some ways, it has been.

If you're gamble free, even for a day..... hang in there....just today.....

You deserve your life.......and you can do it.

Much love,


Anonymous said...

Don't you think you ever go back to gambling?
Why then my lovely husband and my children's lovely father did go back to it after years,I accidentally fund it out yesterday and all my dream and life is gone and we lost again and I decided to leave him this time after 27years marriage and love,I can't take it any more, Iam crying loudly and writing this
I am wondering,Does ever a gambler truly recovers? 19/10/2012

HB said...

6 years! Amazing, I applaud you. I also blog about my experience, but only 18 days. One day at a time.

Neuroliberation said...

Its great when the mind is liberated again. Space to think of the things that really mean something in life.

I'v just discovered your blog just now but look forward to reading some of your posts.

Take care Peg!!

Unknown said...

Thanks for your sharing. It's been very helpful. I'm also recovering. . 25 days today. G.A. Very helpfully as well. Pls keep up your recovery and blogging.