Saturday, December 29, 2012

OK, I'm back.

In more ways than one... I'm back to the blog...but, more importantly, I'm back to being ME.

I've got some co-dependent issues that I need to work on, but for some reason the past few months have just been... mostly stress-free.  Lots of things are LOTS better.... but there are still lots of things that are not ok.

Usually, that means *I* am not OK.  but I am.  the difference is me.  attitude.  perspective.
anyway...more on that later.

I've got lots to talk about...I've been in bed with the flu since Christmas, and I have had quite a few sleepless thoughts, anxiety.  ugh

mostly I am able to manage that if I just catch myself....and remind myself that

all is well
and all is well
and all is well

all of those mental lists that I'm creating of things I've neglected to do and must get on RIGHT AWAY... I won't even recall half of that crap when I wake up (if I ever fall asleep) just RELAX....  let it go....and know that all is well.

usually I can do that.

I was thinking about that.
how that anxiety/racing thought thing (a friend calls it our 'monkey-brain') always happens (to me) at night.
or usually at night.

yeah....when I'm busy, I'm focused on a task, I'm not anxious or nervous or fretting about nothingness (or fretting about important things even!)  I just do what I'm doing...and THINK about what I'm doing.

It's when my mind is idle...when I lie down and there's no plan for the brain, it's just empty space and monkey brain takes over and I can't sleep.

That happened to me a lot more often when I was gambling.
Back then monkey brain wasn't usually making lists of things I needed to do, it was FREAKING OUT...about the BANK ACCOUNT and the CREDIT CARDS and please don't let anyone get to the mailbox tomorrow before I do.
still...useless crap to be fretting over.

ya know there are studies about how laughter affects your body physically.  good stuff.
i wonder how bad that monkey brain stuff is for you.
i imagine it's awful.... can take a toll on a body.

but ya know

in 2002 when I was at my 'rock bottom' I was pretty damn stressed.  for a really long time.... but I got BETTER.  and when the STRESS got better the SYMPTOMS brought on by stress got better too.

gotta find what works for you to control stress.

gambling sure will contribute to your stress level.geez.  yeah, if you're gambling, I'd say the first step to reducing your stress level is to find a way to stop.

maybe that's why you're here.

The holidays are wonderful.
I love Thanksgiving.  It's my favorite.  It's MY holiday. 
Everyone comes husbands family and mine....and I cook more food than we could possibly consume...and we enjoy one another's company.  truly.

We have different days and nights that we gather over the Christmas holidays too.  nice.

BUT...I know that holidays are not all cheery and pleasant for everyone.
They are a very depressing time for many.
Plus....lots of people take unused vacation time, and if you're a cg, you may spend that time blowing all of your money..... so even if the holidays themselves were ok.....the time/gambling/money can put you in a tailspin.

when I used to attend GA meetings, the rooms usually had newcomers on Mondays.... and lots after holidays.

Gambling was one of our holiday traditions.
If you've read much of the blog you alreayd know that.... after Christmas dinner (or whatever holiday we were celebrating) most of the adults would go to the casino for some 'fun'.

what a nightmare.
just sitting here....writing...brings back so many memories, feelings.

what are the feelings now? 
It's no longer shame really (THANK GOD!)
I'm not embarrassed
I'm gonna give that some thought.
put a name to that feeling.

the feeling that I get when I recall memories of Playing my tape which is some powerful shit.... I do still have feelings.
i gotta give them words.

ok, what else, I've started reading a book that I want to talk about a little.... I'll give a complete review when I finish the book (I haven't had much time to read as of late)...but there are some concepts intrudoced that really struck a chord for me.... book is "Almost Addicted:  Is My (or My Loved One's) Drug Use a Problem? (The Almost Effect) by J. Wesley Boyd MD PhD.

yep.....we'll talk about that next time.  soon.

and.... if you're struggling right now....or have relapsed..... or just need help finding your way out of the damn hole.... what a great time to reclaim your life.   I once met a lady whose clean date was July 4.  Independence day.

I guess all of us with a clean date could call that date our Independence day.
I think I like that.
I shall begin that practice as of this moment.

If you haven't stopped gambling yet, make TODAY your Independence Day.

Be well....
much love,

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