taking a break...

I’m leaving town for a few days.

I really need it….I am worn out…

A friend said to me recently ‘but you like it that way.’

It stunned me.

Do I?

It would certainly appear that I do…otherwise…why am I DOING all of these things?

So, just stop, right?

But..that’s sort of like saying…you don’t like being in debt, so just don’t!

I mean…you can take STEPS…to begin the process….and make better choices….but you cannot just ‘be out of debt’ because it suits you!

I have made choices….and this….this is not what I CHOSE…these are the CONSEQUENCES of what I have chosen….

I will try to choose in a wiser fashion in the future…so that I am not overextended….


how are you doing?

have you found a way? to stop?

i have found...that...while it isn't easy (if it was easy, there would not be places like gambler's anonymous, safe harbor, gamcare, this blog!...etc., etc.) there are some very specific things that we can do...that often aid us in stopping.

reaching out...as you have done...is key...
but then...
don't stop there...
get involved...reading..posting..PARTICIPATING SOMEWHERE....(even if it's just as a lurker)...do it daily.....educate yourself…don’t be alone in this….

never stop trying to stop....
you deserve your life.

Back Monday.
I won’t have the ability to respond to email.
Take care of you.
Love,
Peg

A long way to go....

  

So much of my recovery is about changing who I am.

 Or

 Not so much *changing* who I am…not really….

 It’s about…discovering the ‘real’ me.

 Finding peace, happiness and joy within myself…….realizing that it’s always been there…I just didn’t KNOW it….I was taught..or somehow I came to believe that things were going to make me happy.

 People, possessions, achievements.

 And there is a degree of happiness in those things…

 But…I have a wonderful family…truly….and yet…I still ended up escaping into my addiction….I obviously needed more.

 I worked for years… dedicated to my career…to being the best….and I did beautifully…I made a lot of money…I had much respect….

 I had a big social circle and lots of nice ‘things’.

 But then…it’s like….ok….this is good…but now what?

 Those things can bring MOMENTS of happiness…or even weeks….and occasionally months of happiness.

 But…none of that can bring lasting happiness.

 Everything is always in a state of flux.

 Things go well.

Things go badly.

We have successes.

We have disappointments.

 And…while those things are good…great even….I have come to believe that….in order to be truly happy….I have to find that within myself.

 I have realized that….my family….is lovely…is wonderful….and all of my ‘stuff’…and my successes --  fantastic…but

 I have to stop looking outward….

 The things outside of me…..are never enough….we want a spouse….if and when we get one…we want children, and a house..then a bigger house, a better car…

 Or clothes

Or shoes

Or….a new boat

Or..WHATEVER it is that peaks our interest….whatever the ‘stuff’ is that we think will make us happy.

 My ‘stuff’.

 I’ve talked about it before….how much I’ve accumulated….how difficult it is for me to let go of things…what if I NEED this one day?....or…that has SENTIMENTAL value…

 It’s just stuff…..

More and more, (ever so slightly) I am able to rid myself of a few more things…it is a process…a slow one, for me….

 Letting go.

 

So I’m doing so well…..life is beginning to make sense to me…it no longer feels like my existence is pointless and painful…

 I no longer ask myself…’why go thru it?  For what?’

 I am learning acceptance….among other things…and acceptance….is huge….so important to this healing process…

 

And then

 

Just when I think I’m doing so well.

 Life throws me a curve ball.

 A test, if you will.

 Or…maybe just a ‘reality check’….to show me that…I may be doing much BETTER…but I’ve still got a long long way to go.

 

Gambling was my drug

I was talking to a friend the other day….about the physical things that happen to me when I gamble.

My gambling ‘career’ was spread over a few years….and things..or *I* was very different at different points in time….who I was…how it affected me…changed over time…

I can recall an ‘early’ trip to the casino with a few friends..and all of our mothers….we were all dolled up….a nice day out. Laughter….fun.

And it really was…back then.

But…after some time….a few years of spending hours upon hours and hundreds of thousands of dollars..pressing the button pressing the button pressing the button…

It wasn't about fun.

Maybe I THOUGHT it was fun....but..

I was a junkie.

I’m not kidding.

I didn’t INGEST anything…but….I looked and acted just like a junkie.

When people say that gambling is a drug….it’s not a metaphor….gambling causes chemical changes to take place in my brain and I am absolutely drugged.

I was talking to this friend…about….some of the machines that I played …used to take only certain denominations of bills (they’ve changed this…always making it ‘easier’ on us)…

So when I’d first get change to play…I’d only get about 40 or $60…cuz that’s all I planeed to spend….but then…when that was gone…I’d put up my little sign that says I’d be right back…getting change….then I’d go to the counter…

If there was a line…or if the girl at the counter wasn’t moving quickly enough….It would drive me mad….I was in such a hurry to get back…this was such a pain in the a** to have to stop..to get change…

tap tap tap my foot….itching to play….anxious…..

no word is more accurate…than junkie.

And….even….the way I looked….gone were the days when going to the casino was an ‘event’..that I would dress up for…spend a day ‘out’…

Nah…it was commonplace now.

Plus…shower, shave, makeup…it would take too much time….as soon as the family was gone for the day, I was OUT of there..

Brush teeth and hair and go….

No one will see me anyway…they tuck these machines back in the corner…the only people who will see me….are the girls that give change (ever so slowly)….and….the other ‘junkies’.

It is no easier for us to break free either.

But we must.

That is no way to live.

I have not done that....yet.

The very first g.a. meeting that I attended….

I was hurting so badly.

I knew I was in trouble.

The debt….I was beginning to drown in it…..

It was when I first acknowledged that…things were bad….and not getting better anytime soon.

Not unless I did something.

A few months prior, I had called the number on the back of my Platinum Players Card…the girl talked to me for a while…but bottom line was…’get to a meeting’.

No way I was doing that….I didn’t.

Several months later….
Everything was worse.
*I* was so much worse.

There was a noon meeting…I could make that one without anyone knowing.

There were three other people there….

I sobbed…..

This ‘program’ discouraged ‘bailouts’….I was really hoping for a loan…

This ‘program’ said I could never gamble normally again….I was thinking…they could teach me how to CONTROL my gambling.

I really didn’t WANT to quit.

Not FOREVER.

A lady at this meeting…she was running the meeting…we talked for a bit…one of the things she asked me…was….

‘Have you ever left your children alone so that you could gamble?’

My children were very young at the time.

VERY young.

Of COURSE I hadn’t left them alone.

I said to her “oh no….I would NEVER do that.”

She simply replied “Yet.”


She pissed me off.

A lot of things about that day pissed me off.

How dare she imply that I would EVER do such a thing?

She doesn’t know me.

I am a wonderful mother..and I would never…NEVER…leave my children unattended so that I could gamble.


And although I gambled, off and on, for the next six years…I am thankful that I can say that I did NOT ever leave my children unattended so that I could gamble.

But…

Now I understand…

I understand the ‘Yet.’


There are many things that I didn’t do in order to gamble….

But…no longer do I think that I am ‘above’ such things.


I have talked to people…who have done all sorts of things in order to gamble….things that I would NEVER do.

But then…

I have actually DONE some things that I would never have thought I’d have done.

Many things.

And I now understand that this illness is progressive…..that if I continue to gamble, my thinking will become more and more distorted….and I will NEED to gamble more and more….and I will justify things….that are not justifiable….as I have done in the past….

I now understand that….what I am willing to do…what I am able to justify….escalates over time.

That…things that I would NEVER do….things that…appall me to think about doing….can easily become commonplace….as my thought processes malfunction and mutate.

If I choose to return to gambling..I know that I am accepting a condition where…..anything that I have NOT done in order to gamble….I have not done YET.

Embezzling money in order to gamble

Again and again I say that it’s not about the money…but then….money does play a role, doesn’t it?

I mean…no money, no gambling.

I gave up all access to money..and I COULDN’T gamble…even when I wanted to.

So…I didn’t START gambling to get money…

And when I was gambling…money was no object…

But then…on the ride home….it WAS all about the money…

Again.


I’ve talked before about the fact that my relationship with money was NEVER healthy…but…when I was gambling….I started thinking…

What’s the big deal?
It’s only paper?

Why do people think it’s so important?

If….you have enough to take care of your needs….then….why not give the excess to ME?? (so that I can gamble).

Many people..MANY people have ended up in jail for embezzling money in order to feed their gambling addiction.

‘NORMAL’ people.

People who had not committed crimes previously.

Bankers, attorneys, real estate developers, doctors, bookkeepers, policemen, ministers, convenience store clerks, secretaries, moms, grandmothers, the girl next door..….people from all walks of life… are being prosecuted for embezzling money from their employers or their clients.

I can easily see how that could happen.

Easily.

How about….

I’ll just take $100….and put it right back when I win.
And I win.
And put it back.

So….the next time I’m ‘busted’….try it again.
Maybe I win…again…and put it back.

Maybe the next time, I don’t win.
But I have to put it back….
I can only put it back if I win it.
In order to win….I need money to play…

So I’ll just take another hundred…..and put it right back when I win.

I don’t win.

I take $500……with this…I can get $700….I’ve done it before.

At that point…it’s not even ‘fun’ any more.

It’s not fun when you’re gambling because you NEED to get money.
That feeling is FRANTIC….NOT fun.

And the hole just gets deeper and deeper.

I can easily see…how that happens.

To the best of us.

To any of us.

I didn’t do that.

Yet.

It's not about the money....

 

The experts tell us that the majority of compulsive gamblers are in the lower income bracket.

 I wonder if that’s really true.

 I mean….I can see the logic.

 You have a hard working person…struggling to make ends meet…and one day, for whatever reason, they put a few bucks in a machine and hit.

Feels great.

Wonderful.

Now they can splurge…or maybe just pay a few bills.

 Time passes….and they are struggling to make ends meet….and they remember…how EASY it was….

And how LUCKY they are. 

SOMEBODY has got to win it….may as well be me!

 I can easily see how that could happen.

 But most of the people that I know…..didn’t start out gambling in order to get money.

 I know that the (gambler’s anonymous) yellow combo book says that…compulsive gamblers dream of the extravagant things they can do with their winnings….and we have the desire for ‘easy’ money.

 But don’t ‘NORMAL’ people sometimes day dream about what they’d do with the lottery?

I don’t know that that’s a trait that’s not common among MOST people….not just ‘us’.

 Often times….once I was out of control….my gambling was about money..in that I was chasing losses.

 But…I just wanted my OWN money back…I didn’t really want or need a big win…

 I can remember sometimes getting ticked off….if I’d have quite a bit of money…I’d go to the casino planning to spend the day…and thirty minutes later it was all gone.

 I’d be frustrated…I mean…”it won’t even let me PLAY for a while”.

 And sometimes

 I’d go….planning to spend the day…and I would hit a jackpot within the first few minutes.

 YES!!!!

 Now I can PLAY.

 See….if I was looking to get MONEY…then …on the occasions that I walked in and played $5 and won $500…I would go HOME.

 I didn’t really want to win….I wanted to PLAY.

 If I could play all day and leave with what I walked in with…or even if I was down $50…that was a GOOD day.

 It wasn’t about winning money for me.

 I just wanted to PLAY.

 Press the button press the button press the button.

 It wasn’t about money at all.

 Eventually….money was a problem for me.

 A BIG problem.

 I had an expensive ‘habit’.

 But even then…I didn’t GAMBLE for money.

 Sometimes I’d leave with money….sometimes I’d have several hundred or even several thousand dollars in my purse.

 Cash.

 But if I had to stop at the store to pick up a few things, I would charge it on a credit card.

 I mean…that CASH was my GAMBLING money!!!

 So I would WITHDRAW money to gamble with

Or CHARGE money to gamble with…

 But I never did replace any of that money…

 My ‘winnings’ were for me to PLAY with.

 Any money that I could get my hands on was for me to PLAY with.

 Because….

 It wasn’t about the money at all.

How are children affected by pathological gambling?

A 14 year old girl came across my blog last week.

She had just started a blog of her own....

http://sramirez93.blogspot.com/2008/05/question.html

Maybe I wasn't really THAT bad....

I have been away for a few days.

There was a time when this….any break from the ordinary routine, would have me in a panic.

I mean…the mail for one thing…..it was always an issue.

If he had opened a bank statement or any one of a dozen credit card bills….h*ll, *ALL* of our bills were late…him opening ANY piece of mail would have been tragic.

Or payday loans…what if one came due while we were away?

There were so many things to worry about back then.

I thought that gambling was fun.

It was…sort of.

I mean….not ‘fun’ really…but it brought me pleasure.
It brought me relief.

But then….
Afterwards…
There was so much pain…so much anxiety.

Even a big WIN couldn’t really fix things after a while..I mean…couldn’t fix the anxiety… the stress level was so high…NOTHING in my life was O.K.

Everything had spiraled so far out of control.

But…

After a while….once we break free….and some time passes…could be a week, a month…or YEARS later….but…at some point…most of us begin thinking ‘was it really so bad?’

I mean….when I was attending meetings in 2002….not the FIRST meetings..NOT the meetings that I sobbed through…not the meetings where I was unable to speak…I could barely BREATHE for crying…not those.

But…once things started to improve a little.

Once…the bills were beginning to get caught up…or at least paid in a timely fashion….and…my husband and I were beginning to have some periods of time where we actually had fun together…where he wasn’t so angry..at least he wasn’t angry ALL of the time…

Once I wasn’t CRAVING it so badly….

And I’d be in those meetings….and someone would come in…a new person.

In many ways…seeing those new people was helpful…I could relate to their pain….I could remember when I felt that way…

But sometimes…people would come in…and their story would be worse than mine.

Maybe they stole from their employer.
*I* had never done that. (of course…taking money from my husbands wallet wasn’t quite the same as stealing..was it?....or all the times I’d lied to get money from family or friends…forgotten)

Maybe they left their children alone so they could play. I would NEVER have done such a thing! (Of course….the many hours that my children spent with baby sitters…or all of the times that I picked them up late..from EVERY SINGLE THING that I ever had to pick them up from…..or the events that I missed…dropping them off and having some excuse for why I couldn’t stay….minimized all of that)

Maybe I wasn’t THAT bad.
Maybe I had exaggerated things.
Maybe….maybe I was just a *PROBLEM* gambler…and

Ya know…there were a few things that that yellow book (g.a. combo book) said..that just didn’t apply to me.

Maybe….
Maybe……now that I had my head on straight…and things were calmer…and I UNDERSTOOD so much more about my gambling problem…maybe *NOW* I would be able to control it.

Even now…sometimes…I start thinking…maybe I really WASN’T that bad.

That is why it’s important for me to change my LIFE.

Because…..even if I WASN’T ‘that bad’….

I have decided that gambling really GIVES me nothing….it only TAKES…so..
Even if I COULD gamble ‘normally’…I really..really don’t WANT to.

Besides…

I *WAS* that bad.

It absolutely was that bad.

One Day at a Time

I don’t wish to live my life fighting a desire to gamble, one day at a time.

I often say that…that some G.A. members do us a disservice by telling us that THAT is THE way.

If we believe that is the way…then that is what we will do.

Struggle.

An endless struggle….feeling deprived.

I don’t want that.

I won’t live my life that way.

HOWEVER—

There was a time..there was DEFINITELY a time when ‘ONE DAY AT A TIME’ was not only a valuable tool for me….it was completely necessary.

The thought of not gambling…ever again….

Damn.

No way.

I didn’t WANT to stop FOREVER.

They told me…’forever is too big…we don’t HAVE to worry about forever….just DON’T GAMBLE TODAY’

And I could do that.

Maybe I couldn’t go a year, or a month, or even a week…

But I could not gamble for ONE day.

The next day…

Again…I didn’t have to not gamble for a week..or even for TWO days…Just that day..just that ONE day..

And if that was too big…then, just that hour…or ten minutes…I could not gamble for ten minutes.

Then…when that ten minutes had passed….do it again.

I wasn’t not gambling for twenty minutes

Just ten

Over and over again.

I can do almost anything for ten minutes.

I can CERTAINLY not gamble for ten minutes.

Even when I really really really wanted to go

Even when I NEEDED to go….when I was ‘itching’ to go…

I could put it off…

For just ten minutes.

This….one day at a time thing….it is a wonderful tool for ‘stopping gambling’ …for getting through the urges…

But then

For me

‘One day at a time’ changed.

I still use it.

I still need it.

But now…today….it is not a tool to keep me from gambling….not at all.

TODAY…I do not struggle…
Gambling is not compatible with my life…with who I am today.

TODAY…for ME…one day at a time is how I LIVE….

It has nothing at all to do with gambling.

It means….not dwelling on the past….(I cannot change it)
It means….not fretting about the future….(prepare for it, yes….fret about it, no)

It means…living this moment…today…as if it is the only day that exists.

Because it is.

I am not a gambler!

I am not inadequate or inferior to 'normal' people...

Gambling causes chemical changes in my brain that screw up my thinking (since my brain is the organ that controls my thinking)...so I cannot gamble..ever...and I am ok with that.

When my brain was screwed up, due to gambling, I was obsessed with thoughts of gambling and compulsed to continue once I began....no matter the cost....

I thought I needed it.
I thought I could never be happy without it.
I thought that my life was screwed up beyond repair.
I thought all sorts of crazy things.

In my opinion...a relapse would not take anything away from this past year and a half that I have been free....what it WOULD do...is alter my brain chemistry...so my thinking would get crazy again..and what happens to me..to my life..when my thinking gets crazy..is..well...crazy.

So a relapse is out of the question.

I am NOT afraid of placing that next bet.
I refuse to live in fear.

I absolutely respect this illness...and how insidious and baffling it can be...so I remain aware...but I am not afraid.

I am not weak or stupid -- I am not a gambler.

I am not a gambler!

I've quit smoking...and...several weeks after I had my last cigarette, I told someone that 'I am a non-smoker now'.

then I wondered...why can I say that?
why can I say that I am a non-smoker?
I am addicted to nicotine...I will ALWAYS be addicted to nicotine...
but I am not active in my addiction, thus, I am a non smoker.

I decided that day...that I am not a gambler either.

I will always be a compulsive gambler....if I choose to gamble.

The Family Rule

“The family gets to stay angry as long as they need to. That’s my rule.”

That was a comment that the gambling counselor made at the meeting I attended last week.

I like that rule.

It’s hard for us…the ‘offenders’….because…we don’t WANT anyone to be angry at us…

We’ve had ENOUGH pain!

If we weren’t in pain…we probably wouldn’t have become addicted in the first place!

What we need is LOVE..and SUPPORT!

Besides,

Quitting is HARD.

How do they expect us to quit if THEY are making our lives difficult by being ANGRY at us all the time?

Them…making mean comments…or trying to ‘punish’ us is only going to make us want to gamble!!!

Can’t they SEE that?

And….

If/when…I *AM* abstaining…they don’t even RECOGNIZE how GREAT I’m doing!!!

They don’t get how hard this is….

They just don’t get it.

Ya know what?

They’re not GONNA get it!

That’s something that *WE* need to ‘get’ right up front.

They’re NOT gonna get it.

They’re NOT gonna get how hard it is.

They’re NOT gonna understand ANY of it.

And that’s OK.

It’s not really NECESSARY that they get it.

I mean…it’s difficult enough for *US* to wrap our heads around all of this….it really doesn’t make sense!!!

But…

We do need love and support…

And people to understand how difficult this is…and acknowledge our accomplishments…to CELEBRATE with us...

We DO need that.

But…likely…our LOVED ONES are NOT gonna be the ones that we get that from.

And that’s OK.

But then…where? Who?

THAT is where being connected to others like us comes in.

They get it.

And…it’s very strange…the way this works…but…’in the rooms’ of Gambler’s Anonymous..and in the online communities that I’ve discovered…they/we really do care.

BECAUSE we get it.

We know….the misery…..and the heartbreak…and how difficult it is to break free….and…it is very likely that other people…strangers…cared about us enough to reach out a hand….

If you haven’t already discovered a support group of compulsive gamblers in recovery…I highly recommend checking out a local gambler’s anonymous meeting….or look around at some of the online groups (each have their own unique ‘feel’ to them)….there is http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/GettingPastGambling/
http://www.gamcare.org.uk/forum/
http://www.sfcghub.com/
http://www.gamblingtherapy.org/ShowForums.aspx
http://dailystrength.org/c/Gambling-Addiction/support-group

to name a few.


If we focus on getting well….if we just do the NEXT RIGHT THING…consistently….if we allow our families to just be angry…and not fight them…just….focus on what WE have to do…get better….

After a while….

They will see that…

If we learn some of the lessons that recovery has to teach us…about living….things will begin to change between us…..our relationships can begin to heal…

But we can’t force it….all that we can do….is what *WE* can do…..

And we can be free.

And THEY will be angry…as long as they need to be….whether we accept that or not.

Just get well.

How could I be so stupid?

I’ve been thinking about how I felt back then….how STUPID I felt….Look what I’d done!

And Bad.

I remember thinking that...so often....'How could I be so stupid?'

I’ve met people in g.a. who have said they never really had morals in place…even before gambling....but that wasn’t me.

I have never been a liar or a thief.

I do the right thing.

I’m smart, successful.

What in the hell happaned?

How could I be so stupid?

And bad?

How is it..that I could hate what I’d done…

Hate who I’d become…


And…still want to gamble?


The reason is because..this is not a BEHAVIOR problem…it is a BRAIN problem.

Sure…I did engage in bad behavior…but that was ONLY after my brain had become hijacked….once it had become hooked.

Gambling alters our brain chemistry.
Only about five percent of the population that gambles actually develops a problem.

It appears that some of us are more affected by the change….more susceptible.

Many people who become compulsive gamblers were depressed…or at least were grieving some sort of loss…a death…a relationship…a job…good health.

Among other things, the act of gambling stimulates the pleasure center in the brain.


When something goes wrong with ANY organ in the body…the processes that that organ controls are affected…if I have heart problems, my circulation will be affected….if I have problems with my lungs…I cannot breathe well.

When my brain is (chemically) altered…my THOUGHTS and EMOTIONS are affected.

It makes sense that if my thinking is not ‘OK’ … well…no telling what will happen if my thinking is not OK.

THAT is why I didn’t behave like myself…I WASN’T myself.

And it wasn’t my fault.


I don’t recommend anyone trying to convince their friends and family that they aren’t responsible for what they’ve done…the fact is…..maybe it wasn’t my FAULT..and maybe I couldn’t HELP it….but…taking responsibility for what I’ve done is an important step towards getting better.

So it’s not a BEHAVIOR problem….the fact is..

the behavior is CAUSING the problem (altered brain chemistry)….
and the PROBLEM makes us want to continue the behavior…

The cycle.

What we have to do…is correct the problem that we’ve created in the brain.

Medication may be a useful tool for some.
It was/is for me.

But…CONTINUING to gamble will cause the IMBALANCE to continue.

We cannot correct the problem that we’ve created in the brain if we continue to gamble.


There are other things that we can do….

But we MUST stop gambling.

For a long time, I was unable to choose not to gamble. I wanted it, I needed it..I HAD to gamble.

The only way that I could not gamble was to remove the ability to choose it….I gave up all access to money….

Slowly…my thinking began to change…to clear.

It is not my fault that this happened to me.

But now, knowing what I’m capable of, it is my responsibility…my RESPONSIBILITY… to get better.

No one else can do this for me.

It doesn’t matter…whose fault this is or is not…it doesn’t matter.

Do..whatever it takes.

We all deserve our lives.

Find a way.


For more information...see The Science of the Brain Problem

What I now know to be true

Gamblers Anonymous meetings provided me with a place to be…..with other people ‘like me’ even tho it took me a while to ACCEPT that they were, in fact, ‘like me’….

A place where I could talk about this stuff and people understood..they didn’t look at me like I had two heads….and suggest that I was weak or stupid…or that I should ‘just stop’.

They got it.

I almost always felt better after leaving a meeting (at least…once I got past the ‘corny’ stuff, like holding hands or the ‘I’m Peg and I’m a compulsive gambler’ stuff)…oh yeah…and the ‘Higher Power’ thing….once I got past all of that…the meetings lifted me.

I left feeling better.
Stronger.

I learned a lot in those meetings….and having coffee AFTER the meetings with some of the members.

I was hungry for information….I wanted my life.
Or…at least…. I wanted to STOP wanting to die.

One night, a g.a. old-timer (who is also aa) brought me a copy of the Big Book of AA and said ‘Read this. Wherever it says drinking, mentally substitute the word gambling’.

That’s when I found out that my ‘disease’ or ‘disorder’ is not gambling…it is addiction.

That book….about alcoholism…was all about ME....yet I am not an alcoholic!

The people in that book became better, they said, by finding and trusting in a ‘Higher Power’.

I was in trouble.

Attending g.a. meetings I heard all sorts of things…..

That the gambler’s anonymous program is the only way I could stop gambling.
That there is a difference between abstinence and recovery…and ‘recovery’ meant working the 12 steps of G.A.
That g.a. was a selfish program….that my recovery had to come first.
That meetings make it.
That I would have to attend meetings, and work the program for the rest of my life.
That I was going to struggle with this addiction for the rest of my life..and that I should focus on not gambling one day at a time.
That I should stop thinking about all of this stuff…not try to figure things out….my thinking had gotten me into trouble…it was time to stop thinking and just work the program.
That everyone who TRULY worked this program got better.
That having a higher power was completely necessary to working the program.

For a long time, I believed all of those things.

By attending meetings, taking anti-depressants, seeing a therapist, by putting many roadblocks in place, like giving up access to money and the loving support of my family, I was able to stop gambling.

I am a busy lady.

After a while….my attendance at meetings dropped off..and eventually I wasn’t going at all.

I didn’t gamble for 20 months…life was good…

I stopped taking my anti-depressants and seeing my therapist…

I was good….

Until I wasn’t.

In 2004 I became pregnant.
I had just turned 40.
AND
I had my tubes tied two years prior….

I was devastated.
Didn’t want a baby.
We had decided.
Our family was complete.
This wasn’t a part of the plan.

For months….I was in a daze.
How could this happen to me?

Then
One day
I realized…’WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A BABY!!!’

I began to get excited, make preparations, pick a name.

The following week…I went to ‘meet’ my baby…we were having an ultrasound.

He wasn’t moving.
The baby was dead.

I took medication to induce labor and delivered my dead baby boy two days later.

Then I went home…to recuperate…..and then, began the process of helping my father in law to die.

Grief.
Overwhelming grief.

One morning, I was able to justify it….gambling.
Who could blame me?

That day, I didn’t gamble too long or blow too much money.

Which enabled me to justify gambling again…a few days later.

I was back in the cycle.

Back in my bubble….where everything else goes away.

I began seeing my therapist again but I would not return to ga. Meetings.

I gambled for nearly two more years….in secret….I didn’t blow thousands and thousands of dollars this time….but slowly….I lost myself again…

On October 30, 2006, after much prodding from my therapist…I located a group that held meetings online.

I found safe harbor.

I have not placed a bet since that day.

Most of the people that I encountered there are working the g.a. program…..and I returned to ‘live’ meetings myself.

I found other resources online also.
I made many friends.
Some of them were NOT working the steps.

I was reading all sorts of books..anything I could get my hands on…THIS time..I wanted it to ‘stick’….whatever it took…

I ended up reading a book entitled ‘Sober for Good’ and there are hundreds of stories in that book of people…addicts (alcoholics) who have remained alcohol free for five years or more.

Many of them…without AA and the 12 steps.

Up until then….and even AFTER that….any thoughts that I had..that I might be able to do this without GA..were quickly abandoned….that must be my ‘addictive thinking’ trying to get me to NOT get help!

But there were so many things about g.a. that bothered me.

I seriously doubted that I could or would attend meetings for the rest of my life. That’s ok…I thought…I can and will do it TODAY…and I did.

I don’t any more.

I know that GA saves lives…and is a wonderful program for the people that are able to benefit from it….but the fact is….less than ten percent (probably MUCH less than ten percent) of people who attempt to stop gambling using ‘the program’ are able to live out their lives…free of their addiction.

And to be honest….many of those who HAVE broken free….well….what THEY seem to have….it’s not what *I* am after.

I do not WANT to wake up every day HOPING that I have a gamble free 24 hours.
I do not WANT to interrupt my life…leave my family…to attend meetings when my family wants or needs me…

I do not want to live in fear.

That’s it in a nutshell.
I do not want to live in fear.

In many respects, the gambler’s anonymous program appears to have been hi-jacked.
The big book of AA….and much of the g.a. literature speaks of freeing ourselves of fear.

But that’s not what I HEAR in the meetings…it’s not what we’re told…what we’re taught.

A lot of what I heard in g.a. meetings...is not what the program REALLY is...or what it started out to be.

For a while…even though I felt strong and joyful…and free of the fear of gambling….I was afraid to speak of it….of the ability to do this…any OTHER way…because…

what if I am wrong?

What if….I *DO* someday gamble again….

Well

If I *DO* someday gamble again (and I don’t plan to)…all that means is….I neglected to continue doing what *I* needed to do…

I imagine that GA *IS* the ONLY way for some people live addiction free.

But….over 90 percent of us…that are seeking help….are not going to be successful there.

If it is working for you…..WONDERFUL…if WHATEVER you are doing is working for you…WONDERFUL…KEEP DOING IT.

IF…..whatever you are doing is NOT working…if you are unable to break free…then make a change….if you HAVEN’T tried G.A….then perhaps it’s EXACTLY what you need!!!

I believe that g.a. does a disservice to us….by discouraging us to look elsewhere.
When we come to g.a….most of us are without hope….many people know….at first glance, that they will never be able to work the program……and they are told that if they do not….there IS no hope for them.

It isn’t true.

Seek Knowledge.
Seek Answers.
CHANGE something.
And know that…as hopeless as it seems…as desperate as you may feel….
As empty…as you are….all is not lost…..it is never too late.
Never stop trying to stop.

* * *

What I now know to be true:

There are many paths to recovery.
There IS a difference between abstinence and recovery.
Recovery does NOT necessarily mean working the steps….the steps are ONE method….to heal.
I want to heal.
While there IS a difference between abstinence and recovery….EITHER…are better than the living the hell of the gambling cycle.
My recovery does come first….I cannot have my life without it…but I do not want to sacrifice everything else….for fear of placing the next bet….I have to find balance.
Meetings are no longer vital to my recovery…however….contact with other compulsive gamblers in recovery….staying connected….remains an important factor for me.
I have been empowered by the knowledge that I’ve gained….including my knowledge of GA and the 12 steps. Much of what I’ve learned there has been the foundation of what I do and believe.
That this truly is an ‘emotional’ illness….and learning about my emotions…and LIVING with them is critical.

My brain has found a way of coping….and any time that I need to be soothed or comforted, the possibility of my brain REMINDING me….where ‘relief’ can be found…will always exist….I respect that….I am aware…and I respect it.

I will never be able to gamble normally again…..and I am OK with that.

I fear not.

I am powerless over gambling…but in every other aspect of my life…including having the ability to CHOOSE not to START gambling….I am more powerful than I ever dreamed possible.

More of my story - Gambler's Anonymous

My Story - the beginning is here...

The progression is here.

Then.....The confession.

* * * * *

It was crazy at first…he didn’t talk to me for days.

I was so scared.

But still…I was crazy….I comforted myself by thinking…if I *WAS* forced to leave, at least I could gamble freely then…not having to sneak or hide..having no one to answer to.

Maybe I would move away….start over…be alone…not have to face everyone here…deal with all of this crap.

But then..there was the debt…

It was so complicated.

And confusing.

I told him I’d get help….I’d go to gambler’s anyonymous.

I had reached out for help before….had attended a meeting even….once…a few years prior….

* * * * * *

I was driving home from the casino...early one moring....
I had been there all night..
I have no idea when this was...1999? 2000?
I don't know what happened that particular night...not the specifics..
but I can recall crying..
the desperation...
I could not stop...
I HAD to stop.

I had a platinum players card...big spender....from the casino i'd just left...
there's a number on the back..if you have a gambling problem call...
I called.
I sobbed...
my debt...
was so big..
and getting bigger by the day...
the lady on the phone said that she understood...
she had a gambling problem too...
that she had stopped gambling though..and was repaying her debt..
it was getting better...she seemed so ....calm? normal?

There was nothing in me that was calm that day.
Nothing.
And I wasn't like her.
I couldn't quit...
I didn't really WANT to quit gambling...
I just wanted gambling to stop hurting me....

she was very nice...talked to me for a while...
ultimately...she suggested I attend a gamblers anonymous meeting.

I did not.
A meeting?
Please.
I'd seen tv shows with folks saying cr**...
hi..i'm joe blow and i'm an alcoholic...
no thank you very much...
I mean..good for Joe if it works for him...
but that wasn't me.

I continued to gamble...
the lies got worse
the debt got worse
the pain got worse
EVERYTHING got worse..

Eventually...I attended a meeting...
I was in trouble...
They gave me literature..that I could not bring home...
my husband didn't know.

THey told me that I had to tell my husband.

RIGHT!
I could not...would not..no way.

I think...when I went...I thought that maybe they could teach me how to control my gambling....or show me how to get out of debt...perhaps even help me to obtain a loan???


we read a book...the book said a lot of things...
the book said I could never gamble normally again...
the book said that bailouts (loans) were discouraged in gamblers anonymous...

there was no help for me here.


* * * * *

If only I had stopped back then….I thought things were bad when I attended that FIRST meeting….geez….if only I’d known…

Now...geez...my world was crashing in....I knew I had to stop....and I knew that I needed help....I had to go back....

I called a friend to go with me.

They said it was a ‘closed’ meeting…so she could only stay if she had a gambling problem.

She did. She didn't want help for it...but she did have a problem and she was allowed to stay.

Again, I sobbed through the entire meeting.

There was an old guy at this meeting...he had been at that first meeting I'd attended long ago.
He remembered me.
If only I had stopped back then.

but.....these meetings....

These people….I wasn’t LIKE them…..I hated the holding hands and the ‘I’m peg and I’m a compulsive gambler’ and the room responding ‘hello peg’

It was like kindergarten.

Plus….some of those people…hadn’t gambled in a long time.

I wasn’t gonna be able to do that.
Or
If I WAS able….life was gonna suck.

No more gambling
Never gambling again.
No more las vegas
No more casinos on holidays
No more video poker

My friend cried all the way home…because they said that I couldn’t be friends with people who gambled….she had been my best friend since we were three years old…she was afraid.

I told her we would always be friends.

She still gambles.
We are still friends.


Soooooooooo….

I had a disease.

Permission.

I mean….who can blame me if I’m sick?


Continued here.

So my son has been gambling.

Not the son that I spoke to recently….that was the young one….who said that he has a gambling problem. That story is here.

The older one.


I found out a while back….that he was gambling. He won some money on the outcome of a ball game.

I was never really worried about this boy being compulsive….His younger brother, yes, definitely, but not him.

I have watched for signs.

But….

I really don’t want him gambling.

They don’t know about me.

Looking back now, I cannot recall why, but I didn’t feel comfortable forbidding it…having the conversation maybe? Not sure…but…I mentioned it to his Father….and he took care of it.

No gambling allowed.

He mentioned it again this week. Gambling.

They flip quarters..and bet a dollar on heads/tails.

He lost $14 recently, he said.

I said ‘I cannot believe you are still doing that. Your father has said that you aren’t allowed to gamble.’

I was in the car, with both boys at the time.

They laughed….like I’m stupid (they truly believe that I am) and said ‘MOM…this isn’t GAMBLING…it’s BETTING!’

They weren’t kidding.

So they knew the sports thing wasn’t ok…but somehow thought this was?

I cleared that up for them.

They rolled eyes.

I’m stupid.

So….later…at home…I mention it to Dad.

*HE* clears it up for them.

Now I’m a bitch too! LOL

A rat.

Yeah well, that’s my job.

Sooooo

Yesterday….again…the three of us are in the car…and it comes up yet AGAIN…

My older son says “I wish I had a lot of money.”

He is 16. Most of his friends have jobs…after school….or at least are lining things up to work over the summer.

I say “Get a job.”

He says “I don’t want to work. I just want money.”

I laugh.

I say “Honey…*I* don’t want to work….I just want money…and DAD doesn’t want to work, he just wants money…and your Aunt X doesn’t want to work, she just wants money…and your Uncle X doesn’t want to work either” (all four of us work)….but…what I was really thinking about is…the line in the g.a. combo book that says “A desire to have all the good things in life without any great effort on their part seems the common character pattern of problem gamblers.”

THEN

He says…”Maybe I could flip quarters for a living.”

My younger son says “Didn’t you just lose $14 doing that?”

He said “Yeah, but, usually I win. The only reason that I lost $14 that day is because….I don’t want to lose….so when I’m losing, I keep betting and betting, trying to win it back. Usually, I do…but that day, it just kept getting worse.”

I said “They call that chasing.”

I explain to them….that it is a common sign of a gambling problem. Chasing one’s losses….and another common sign (which my OTHER son has shown signs of) is…not having the ability to stop…until there is no money left with which to gamble.

We talk a lot.

Mostly they listen.

I tell them that I am a compulsive gambler. The ‘real’ kind…like….I have been to gambler’s anonymous meetings.

I tell them that….when one is 14 and 16 years old….they can end up over their heads….but…the older they get…the more they will have to lose.

I tell them that people lose cars and houses……
I tell them about dopamine and how the brain reacts to risk…and that some people seem to be more susceptible to the effects of gambling.
I tell them that there seems to be an hereditary factor, not for gambling, but for ADDICTION….and that this IS an addiction (for me)…and that it’s progressive…the more one gambles (one who is ‘at risk’) it is likely that they will want to gamble more..and more…. And that it is a subconscious thing…how it creeps up on you…how….it happens to unsuspecting people….sweet little old ladies who like to go to the casino occasionally ‘for fun’ can easily end up addicted…through no real fault of their own….not even having made any ‘bad’ choices……it just slowly takes over.

They were listening.

Even tho they think I’m pretty stupid most of the time….more and more recently, they appear to be listening.

It’s like…both of them….could see the truth in what I was saying…they are aware of the feelings….

My older son admits….that he sometimes gambles when he doesn’t have ENOUGH money.

HUH?

STILL?

“Yes” he said “today I didn’t have enough lunch money, so I gambled to get more.”

WHAT?????

I said….’baby….I don’t want you gambling….I will give you more money.” Funny….we have been careful to NOT give them much money…don’t want them walking around with money they don’t know what to do with…..or skipping lunch so they can buy alcohol, etc….that was a concern of my husbands.

‘How did you not have enough money to eat?’

He said…’I ate breakfast. When I eat breakfast, I don’t have enough money for lunch.’

He says that he doesn’t want any more money..because he will spend it…’No matter how much I have…I will spend it…I always do.’

“So you are a compulsive spender too?”

‘I don’t know.’

“I am.” I say.

We get back to the gambling conversation.
I tell him about internet gambling.
I tell him how common this is becoming..that gambling is prevalent in society and more and more ‘innocent’ people are becoming addicted and getting into deep financial trouble….
I tell him how common it is and bad it sucks to owe $50,000 to credit card companies due to gambling.
I say…’it’s one thing to owe $50,000 for that $50,000 car sitting in the driveway…it is quite another when you owe have to pay $50,000 and you don’t have $50,000 of STUFF….when you no longer have the funds to gamble yet you are having to work your ass off to pay back the DEBT’

He agreed.
That would suck.

I tell him that…more gambling addicts commit suicide than people from any other addiction…because…..

It is so hard to stop….and what we do doesn’t just affect us…..people gamble til their family has no money for food…and their home gets taken away…and their kids have to withdraw from their school because the tuition money is gone….and they cannot believe they’ve done these things… yet…they cannot stop.

He attends a Catholic school.
He says “a lot of the kids at my school are going to have a gambling problem.” He says….”so many kids gamble that…when they are making their daily announcements over the intercom, they say ‘Gambling is not allowed at school.”

I have always known that I would tell them ‘one day’.
I didn’t know when or how it would happen.
I didn’t think it would be so easy….so natural…..or so necessary.