Heredity -- Breaking the Cycle

April 15, 2002 was the day that the sh*t hit the fan at my house.

My world was crashing in…and I actually had to admit to another human being what I’d done..what I’d been doing…the financial devastation that I’d caused…not only to myself…but to HIM…and to my children.

My boys were young…9 and 10 years old…I brought them to a friends’ home so that I could break the news.

They knew that something was terribly wrong when I picked them up from school… I was a wreck…of course…I was a wreck quite often back in those days..but ordinarily I was TRYING to appear more or less normal….not this day….there was no pretending…I was…

Well

I had been trying for a few weeks…to find a way out….death….was the only answer that made any sense…none of this could be repaired…it was just too much…I was such a disappointment…such a failure….who could love me…or better yet…why???

I didn’t deserve it anyway…look what I’d done.

Anyway….the boys knew that things were bad…and over the coming days they knew it was about money…we did not have the money that we needed to pay taxes.

If they knew that it was my fault…it was only because they figured it out.

Things were different at our house for a long time.

My husband and I were…distant…for lack of a better word.

We were broke.

My children had never done without…now…they were beginning to hear ‘we cannot afford that’ quite a bit.

My husband was always complaining that we were broke…

The children worried aloud that we were poor.

I began attending gambler’s anonymous….I have attended meetings off and on for the past 6 years…never more than one meeting per week…and when I’d go..I’d simply say that I was going to a meeting… I’m involved in many organizations and they never questioned ‘what kind’ of meeting.

I’m sure they’ve seen literature laying around..g.a. literature or just general addiction/recovery type stuff…I don’t leave it out on purpose, but I don’t really HIDE it either.

They’ve never asked.


So last week…my youngest son, now 14, is watching television…there was something on about poker…and he says to me “Mom, I’m a really good poker player…I win a lot..the only problem is…I never stop playing until all of my money is gone.”

I said “Yes…me too…that’s why I don’t play. They call that a compulsive gambler…people who cannot stop.”

We talked about it for a few more minutes…it wasn’t really that big of a deal…it wasn’t like we were talking about something TERRIBLE…like an ADDICTION…

To be honest…it’s really NOT such a terrible thing, is it?

I’m just compulsive…..and since I KNOW that….I stay away…period…what’s the big deal?

So today….my son attended a school function…a fair….I dropped him off and gave him $20 to spend.

My oldest son and I picked him up several hours later.

He gets into the car…talking about his day…I asked if he spent his money…he says “oh yeah…but it’s a good thing I only had $20”

“why?”

“Because I have a gambling problem. So do all of my friends…all of us spent all of the money we had…so the people who had a LOT of money…just LOST a lot more money.”

My oldest son said “You have a GAMBLING problem?” and he laughed.

“Yeah…I do….I just keep playing and playing until I don’t have any more money left…and if I win money…I just keep playing until THAT is all gone.”

“Then don’t gamble.” He said.

“Yeah, I know.”

I tried not to say too much….more than a few words and the eyeballs start rolling at me…so I said that compulsive gambling is related to addictions..like alcoholism..and to obsessive compulsive disorders…and that people who are prone to compulsive gambling might also be prone to do OTHER things compulsively – like playing video games, for instance.

No comment….no eyes rolled either.

On the one hand…I think it’s crazy that our schools (RELIGIOUS SCHOOLS!!) not only ALLOW gambling, but PROMOTE it…even among our children….on the OTHER hand…

I’m glad that we have an open dialogue…and he is already learning lessons…about himself.

In 2002, when I first learned that heredity plays a part in addictions…Knowing…way back then that my younger son had that tendency…I asked a friend in recovery “How can I help my child?”

He said….”You’re doing it.”