I Need Help

Well...not today I don't....but...

Those may be the most difficult words for me to say.

I don't mean..help with 'things'...or 'chores'.... hmmmm well maybe that too....I guess...I just generally take care of things myself...even if help is readily available.

But...to say that I am not FEELING ok....that...I NEED comfort or reassurance feels so....? vulnerable?

Not weak really...although that may be a part of it too...not wanting to appear weak...or....more accurately...wanting to appear strong and together.

The fact is....I am (strong and together) most of the time...so when I am feeling emotionally 'needy' it is......

i don't know what it is.

maybe...it's not so much what OTHER people will think of me...although I imagine that is a part of it...but...maybe it's just not the way I see MYSELF.

I don't WANT to be vulnerable so if I pretend like I'm not, I won't be???

I have always been very protective of my feelings....when I was younger..dating...if I had the slightest idea that my boyfriend was tiring of me I'd dump him...better to dump than BE dumped.

I reached out yesterday...when I was upset ...on a support website that I frequent....I was worried about my son....was he allowing the incident to affect HIS whole day? how could he not? and...a teacher has been riding his *ss pretty hard...was he having a hard time at school ON TOP OF my slapping him? I didn't hit him that hard...I'm sure he was shocked more than anything...and his feelings were hurt...then of course...all of the doubts about being a 'good' mother....I *KNOW* that I am...but I do screw up from time to time...and I felt like this one of them....

I needed to hear that *I* was OK...and that HE was going to be OK....

I'm learning that...if I don't make my needs known...likely they won't be met.