Spiritual Awakening

If there's one thing I've learned recently,it is ...the more I know...the more I know I don't know.....what I DO know is always changing....but here is where I am today...

I have heard people in recovery that appeared to be very religious…they claimed that they were gamble-free one day at a time only because of God….they said all sorts of things…and then…sometimes….some of these people gambled.

How could that be? If God is the answer…and…those people are praying…they are CERTAINLY more in touch with God than I am or have ever been….why is it that they continue to gamble?

To be honest….I don’t know about why THEY gamble..or YOU, for that matter….but….for me….well..for a while…I thought that I had to find God to be better..so I began searching…the thing is….it would appear that it doesn’t matter how much we pray or who or what we believe in or who we turn our life over to as long as we remain fully in ‘ego’….


What does that mean?

When I hear people make reference to ego…my mind goes to ‘obnoxious’ or ‘conceited’ ahhhhh
But….I have been listening…paying attention….remaining open-minded…and now….my idea of what the ‘ego’ is is quite different….it is simply…my idea of who I am…who my mind thinks I am…that voice in my head….it thinks it is me…it thinks this body is me…it is. It is the HUMAN aspect of me…the ego.

From birth..we are on a quest to find out who we are….this is my name..this is my body …I am smart or I am pretty, funny..a mother, a wife…(ummm a compulsive gambler?!)…..and so on..…all of these things I collect…and they become a part of me (or I determine that they are NOT a part of me)….I continue to collect things throughout my life…often based on ideas that OTHERS have about me….and…most recently…I have spent a lot of time and money (therapy) trying to learn about who I am and how I became this way……all of this…is about the ego….my humanness.

And…spiritual awakening?

The awareness that there is something else….ANOTHER part of me…that is not labeled…is not a part of my humanness……the awakening is the awareness of it…and the willingness to allow it to be more and more of who I am….while letting go of the illusion of the ego…more and more.

For some people, that appears to happen like a lightning bolt….all at once…they are awake…it hasn’t happened like that for me….and….i was so confused for so long…. what DOES IT MEAN???…..but now..suddenly…when I think about it….that term ‘spiritual awakening’ is the PERFECT way to describe it…

I used to think that my ‘soul’ or my ‘spirit’ was the non-physical part of me….but now….I can see that…that non-physical part that I was referring to…was still a part of my EGO (humanness).

It is as if…there is another part of me…that has always been here..but yes…asleep…except maybe as a child? I’m not sure…but….well..that’s not important…….so there is this part of me…that is always ok. It is always present…an…?observer almost ?? (words are so limiting here) it is at peace….it is full of love.

I am sure that it has always been there…but I was not always aware of it….

it is as if it is waking up..

Nooooooo that is not it at all..my spirit is not waking up

It is as if… *I* am waking up to *IT*….