Letter to a Friend written September 2007

*posted with permission of addressee

it's not just about gambling....and you're not lazy either.

there are many things that we compulsive gamblers have in common...well..it's not just cg either...it's ADDICTS....that is what we are.

i see a dr...a psychiatrists, for meds. for a long time, i suspected that he was an addict...he just knew too much...understood how we think, etc....finally I asked him...I am not sure what his drug of choice is (alcohol?) and i'm not sure that it matters....but....he knows his shit....

i went to see him a few months back and was talking about the fact that i hadn't filed any of his bills with my insurance company (I STILL haven't)...it is worth several thousand dollars at this point...or...WAS...I'm sure I have waited too long for many of them to be processed....

he tells me a story -he always has some kind of a story :) -

he says..he has a friend in recovery, who owns a shop...his friend is not a good housekeeper...his shop is often messy.....he hadn't been making much money, so was spending a lot of time online trying to find ways to help his business..... people would often enter....see how messy the place was, and leave without buying anything....did he clean up? no......he could easily solve his problems...simply by sweeping the floor...the thing is

there is no dopamine in it for us...no immediate gratification....sweeping the floor doesnt' FEEL good. we want to find OTHER...more EXCITING ways.

so

I don't file my insurance paperwork
I don't clean my house like i should
my laundry is always overwhelming...and when i DO wash and dry it...i often place it in a basket on top of the dryer...where it gets all wrinkled..instead of folding it and putting it away.
I have quite a few things in the house that need to be repaired....I do not make the phone calls

and you don't take your medicine :(


we need to learn how to sweep the floor.

the 'maitnenance' that we need to do..the mundane things that the rest of the world just DOES because they NEED doing....we have to learn how.

I made that post a week or so ago...I am still not doing so well 'sweeping my floor'.....last night, i decided that I do better with a list....so...i made one....a list of things that I *will* do today.

sometimes lists don't work for me...cuz...i have put off so much for so long..and i try to take on too much all at once....so....i am going to try to be realistic....put the things that i HAVE to do today on the list....then...one or two things that i really SHOULD do today....I have to try something....what i WAS doing WASN'T working.


but it's more than that too...THAT is why....if we don't change the way we THINK and LIVE....we will end up being that same person...the one who gambles....I don't want to do that any more...I don't want to be that peg...I have had a taste of LIFE...and I want it...I want it and I want it to be full and happy....and I know it can be this way....it's in my hands.

you deserve your life.

i'm sorry for what you've been thru...we are NOT stupid...this is NOT a behavior problem..this is a BRAIN problem....we can get better, tho...if we fight like hell..and hold one another's hands.