So I went to Las Vegas

It’s not something I’d recommend for a compulsive gambler who doesn’t want to participate in gambling any longer.

There’s no point in testing myself…I mean…I know that some people do..they want to know (for some reason) if they CAN gamble normally or…if they CAN resist?

I don’t know…I guess I just feel like I have too much to lose.

It’s not that…if I gamble…I will be disappointed in myself…or I will spend too much money ---it’s that…if I gamble…I am no longer the Peg that is writing these words.

When I gamble…*I* go away….I don’t THINK like me..I don’t FEEL like me…and I CERTAINLY don’t BEHAVE like ME.

And I don’t like what I become…

So basically…at this point…my choosing whether or not to gamble goes like this:

Ummmm would you like JOY or MISERY???

The thing is….I am able to make that choice because TODAY…I am ‘sane’….I am not what I would call ‘sane’ when I am in the cycle…I can promise you…I am not.
I mean…I don’t think I’m ‘diagnosable’ (other than as an addict…or attention deficit disorder)…but….my thinking is clearly not in line with reality once I am caught up.

So…there’s a lot at stake.

My whole life.

It’s not worth the risk.

So my husband has this function in Las Vegas that he must attend. Nine days.

Of course he knows I cannot go. He doesn’t WANT me to go. My gambling didn’t only hurt me.

But

There was this one function…this one night…that he really really wanted me to attend.

Nope, sorry, no can do, not worth it, not gonna happen.

Well…as the date neared…I really felt like I COULD do it…and I felt like I WANTED to…for him.

He would do ANYTHING for me…he has done a h*ll of a lot.

The fact that he’s still HERE is huge….so I started thinking that….I can do this…..I am ‘sane’ right now…..I just need to figure out how to STAY that way…

I decided I wouldn’t take cash or cards….I would call a friend in recovery if I needed to….AND…I would be with my husband the entire time (or 99.99% of time anyway)….
But…I didn’t really think I’d need that stuff. I am good…I am strong ….

But then again…this thing…is ‘baffling’….it jumps up and bites us when we least expect it…was I kidding myself that I could do this??

I was pretty sure that I could make it so that I COULDN’T gamble, even if I decided I WANTED to.

But then…..I started thinking….I haven’t WANTED to gamble in a long time…and…does the possibility exist that I could go to Vegas…get thru it fine..but awaken that ‘thing’…..the voice….then..come HOME…and…get bit :(

But then…since I was AWARE of that possibility…I talked about it…I blogged on it, I talked to my Dr., I talked to my therapist, I talked to my HUSBAND.

I went….a quick trip…in and out.

Walk through the casino to get to front desk…all the way to other side of casino to get to elevators…I walked thru that casino (and others) so many times in the 16 hours that I was there….

The sounds….lights…..it wasn’t really appealing to me.

It was like I could see the ‘Wizard of Oz’ hiding behind the curtain…it was such trickery…they are clearly designed to put us into a ‘trance’ blah blah blah.

I’m not angry at the industry…never was….don’t see how it can benefit me…the fact is…I don’t WANT to be angry (at any one)…I have felt bad for long enough. Far too long.

I’m not angry…it’s just not something I want to do anymore.

And the people….so many of them looked….they looked…well…like *I* used to look.

But then…

I learned that my sister in law hit a $1500 jackpot the night before I arrived.

And my best friend…hit $5000.

It did stir.

It’s hard to describe.

I didn’t have to ‘fight’ urges…but….there was *something* going on….it wasn’t painful or difficult or a struggle…but….there was a vague desire.

Anyway…I attended the party…then a group of us went out for drinks…we talked and laughed…we had a great time. I was with people that I care about…that I enjoy.

I have been to Vegas many times. It used to be my favorite city (big surprise).

I rarely slept on prior trips.
I rarely ate.
I spent all of my time alone…at a machine…regardless of who I was traveling with.
I generally caught the plane home exhausted, dehydrated, hungry, and having the shakes.

This short trip…where I did not place one bet…. was the most fun Vegas trip I have ever made.

That is an unbelievable thing for me to say.

Me…who thought that…I could not stop…and I did not WANT to stop…..how could I possibly ever be happy…if I could never gamble again?

Insanity, indeed.