My thoughts on Relapse

In the last two days I’ve had two acquaintances…compulsive gamblers…relapse.

One of those people hadn’t gambled in nearly five years.

In the last two weeks two of my friends in recovery have gambled as well….both with over six months ‘clean’ and doing seemingly well.

How does it happen?

WHY does it happen?

*I* relapsed after nearly two years of abstinence……it wasn’t something that happened all of a sudden…I didn’t go from a ‘strong, steady recovery’ to suddenly gambling overnight --- it was a gradual process….

----I was doing fine….my recovery WAS (I thought) strong and steady…..and I didn’t need g.a. meetings (or any other sort of ‘recovery’ for that matter)….I was ok.

And I was….until I wasn’t.

----I was no longer in touch with anyone at all with a gambling problem.
----I stopped seeing my therapist (I was fine).
----I wasn’t taking anti-depressant medication (I was fine).
----I experienced several traumatic, painful events…and I was helping my father-in-law to die.
---I was exhausted….caring for my family and spending time with my in-laws as well.
---I was recovering (physically and emotionally) from losing a baby….post-partum depression may have played a role.

I was sinking into depression.
I began thinking about gambling….or…doing things ?subconciously that would enable me to gamble….like stashing money away.

To be honest…it’s been several years since I was there…so likely I cannot recall clearly exactly how it happened…but I DO know that….if I were AWARE….I would have known that a relapse was coming…and might’ve done something to prevent it.

Might’ve.

Yes…that’s the thing….even when we KNOW it’s coming (a friend might point out to us that we are slipping back into old ways)…we often DO NOT PREVENT it.

Why?

It’s back to those voices again…the gambling voice…in me right now…it is there…I KNOW it is there…occasionally it speaks to me…but when it DOES happen…I quickly shut it down…gambling is not an option.

It’s easy for me to do that.

I spend an awful lot of my time talking and thinking and writing about not gambling.

When I used to spend all of my time in safe harbor chat room, I would say “it’s hard to gamble when you spend all of your time talking about not gambling”.

But it’s more than that…

Just being there…just talking isn’t gonna save me…I have to be HONEST….if I start having thoughts about gambling…I have to TELL someone (who might be able to help me)…I have to SEEK HELP.

The trick is….the more volume that voice has, the less likely I am to do that.

The volume of the voice.

For me…that seems to be key.

So…there is this…HEALTHY me…who now has control of my thoughts and my life…and occasionally…that gambling voice will pipe up…but the healthy me is strong and can easily brush aside the gambling voice…ignore it….like swatting a fly.

This healthy me…is on my toes….I KNOW that that gambling voice exists….and that if and when it does begin to speak it is necessary that I take immediate action.

One of the things that I do…is discuss it with as many people as possible….even, as difficult as it is, with my husband…. The more I talk about it…or write about it…the more I know I don’t want to gamble..I don’t…even if I do…I don’t.

(geez…that sounds nuts!)

But….how to stay the HEALTHY me…when everything else is falling apart.

I’ve been thinking about that lately…that…yeah, I’m good…I am BETTER than good…but then….I haven’t had any stress…any trauma….life is good….how will I handle things when life gets rough?

And then…I realized…

WHAT?????

The truth is…there are many things that have happened in my life in recent months that could easily have been used as excuses to gamble…and in the past, most certainly would have been.

The worst being….my step-father having a leg amputated in Jan. of 2007.

I’m not great at keeping in touch with people, so when I found out, it was the end of February.

A week or so later…he fell out of his van (forgetting that he had no leg) and was unable to drive.

I began making frequent trips to see him…to bring him for groceries and for medication…to doctor visits and for physical therapy.

He wasn’t always fun to be around -- sometimes he was DIFFICULT to be with…but it was OK.

It wouldn’t have ALWAYS been ok….but….I have a new way of thinking (and living) now….and so…I *WAS* ok.

And then….he had some sort of an incident…perhaps a stroke…and was hospitalized…he developed pneumonia…and even though my heart was breaking….as he would beg me to help him….his children elected to put him in a nursing home.

I was out of town when they did….my husband was receiving an honor…when I returned home…I spent the day with him….it was one of the most difficult days I have ever had…and I am so fortunate to have had it…he died that night after I left.

The dynamics….his children….wow…there were so many reasons for me to ‘lose it’.

It was hard.
It was painful.
It was stressful.

And….as usual…there was guilt…that I didn’t do more…or I didn’t handle things differently.

But….I have that ‘new way’ now…. And…that new way of thinking and living consists primarily of…

Being grateful for what I DO have…however small that may seem at any given time.
The ability to calm myself…to relax…primarily through breathing…and also through clearing the mind.
The practice of clearing the mind…is also an exercise in controlling ones thoughts…an important asset during a difficult time.
The ability to analyze whether or not there is anything that I can do about the CURRENT situation…..and if not….
To accept…whatever is occurring at the present time.

If I cannot change it…then…IT IS.
So…my NOT accepting it..changes what? It changes the way I FEEL!!!
Nothing else.
Acceptance…does not mean…this is what I want.

Acceptance means…this is what IS….and I am going to be OK, NO MATTER what IS.

I am going to be OK because I deserve to be OK and I have control over whether or not I am OK.

I do.

I continue to learn…and to grow….but if I ever find myself…struggling….I am in a position…with many people in recovery (of some form or another) in my life…and I will reach out to them…quickly….as if my life depended on it.

Because it does.