On Being Needy

I was very very needy in the early days of recovery....for a long long time really...Clingy even...

funny....it's another thing that I think is so very important...even CRITICAL to be aware of...yet...I really don't hear people talk about it...

maybe...the people who have gotten past it just think....I did it..so YOU (anyone else) can...or...will just have to...

but...geez

it would've been so much easier for me...if....before I had that first mood swing (crash)...if I had an inkling that it might occur...so that when it DID happen...I would think COOL! I must be GETTING this recovery stuff....I am having this...what is SUPPOSED to be happening IS happening!

instead

I was...

I was depressed (the crash)....and could easily have spiraled back into hopelessness...and returned to my addiction.

Fortunately....on that day....I posted about it on an online forum. I had been spending lots of time there...it was my new home...it was where I was learning most everything I had learned, to date, about recovery....and I didn't have anywhere else to 'go' with the feeling...the DREAD....so I posted.

I got so many responses....people telling me that it was NORMAL...that THEY experienced it also...and it would pass.

I was at work that day...and was sitting at my desk crying.
I had nothing to cry about.
Life was getting better.
I hadn't gambled in a while...but
I felt like sh*t!
I felt like...

i still have such a hard time putting words to my feelings...sorry.

anyway....

being NEEDY...was ANOTHER thing that no one talked to me about...

when I posted on a forum....NEEDING someone to acknowledge me....returning (compulsively) throughout the day to see if anyone had....

or

checking my email repeatedly throughout the day....and being so LIFTED when I'd have some....the more the better.....and....so flat....if my mailbox was empty....

again...i struggle putting words to this....to exactly WHAT I needed....but...I needed communication....I needed people to converse with ME....I needed to know that I mattered, that I was special....that I could DO this...and that people BELIEVED that I could..and CARED if I did.

so if you start feeling that way...just acknowledge it ......and know that it is normal...and it would NOT be ok to be like that forever...but it's ok for now....and that....it will be a normal part of the process for the neediness to sort of fall away....when it's time.

The level of neediness can be very high....and I feared that I would put people off...if I was too clingy...

If you find yourself feeling this way.....I have some recommendations.

If you feel you'd like to RECIEVE communications....SEND some....most people respond to personal emails....so...write a note to anyone you can think of that might write back.
Post on forums...even go out on a limb and say 'I would appreciate if someone would respond to me'

If you get responses....attempt to strike up an ongoing correspondence.....the friendships that I have developed have been so rewarding, on so many levels...AND...if this is someone else in recovery....chances are...THEY get needy from time to time also...and THEY might appreciate the contact as well.

In any event...be kind to yourself....this....is not easy.....I needed to be held....sort of 'loved' through this process...the pain....the learning to forgive myself.....I needed to know that I am important...that I am special...and that I COULD do this.

sometimes I still need those things....at times, more than others.

I *AM* important.....I *AM* special.....and I *CAN* do this.
so can you.
not him...or her....I'm not talking about anyone else....I am talking about YOU.

You deserve love.
You do.
You deserve..your life.

xo