The Addictive Voice

That voice.

Sometimes…when it speaks, I am acutely aware that that is what it is…my ‘addictive voice’….and sometimes…it’s not really a ‘voice’ at all…it is a FEELING….the butterflies in the stomach thing…a vague feeling of excitement…but I know what it is…without question.

But SOMETIMES….I am not so sure…

I am pretty sure, for instance, that purchasing lottery tickets would not put me in any danger…I mean…it would not provide the same feeling that I get when I play video poker…or when I walk into a casino…it wouldn’t.

I’m pretty sure that I could buy a lotto ticket every week and it would not harm me in any way.

So this morning…I stop at a convenience store…and I think....’maybe I’ll buy one’.

Now…according to g.a. definition…this is gambling…and I would lose my ‘clean date’.

But to be honest, I am not abstaining from gambling so that I can have a ‘clean date’.

BUT

Even though I am pretty sure that buying a lotto or a scratch off ticket would be a harmless thing for me to do….a PART of me wonders….’Is that my addictive voice trying to convince me of that??’

I mean….if I did….if I DID buy a ticket…then…next week….I might buy another….and then….I might buy one every week.

That could go on for years perhaps….but….one day….that voice…might start USING the fact that I can do that and be OK…as a justification….to do more….It might start trying to convince me that if I can do THIS then I can do THAT.

Or

Perhaps….it isn’t harmless at all..perhaps….the fact that I think it would be…is my addictive voice talking to me NOW.

I don’t think so.

But

If there is any question….any question at all….well…it’s just not worth it.

I remember how easily things spiral…I KNOW how desperate I felt and how difficult it was to pull myself out of it…

I know….how far I am from that place now…how good I feel.

I don’t want to go there again.

Ever.

It would be ridiculous for me to even consider risking this….knowing what THAT was like.

For me…abstinence…complete abstinence…is the only answer.

I deserve my life.