Monday, March 24, 2008

It's Not all about me.

For a long time it felt like it was.

That's all I could see.


My debt was bigger than anyones.

My problem was worse than everyones.

My misery was more profound than anyone could imagine.

Being so wrapped up in makes sense that I was so SENSITIVE all of the time.

I needed people to acknowledge my milestones, I needed to be heard. I needed to feel...????special?

I thought that I was 'different'..that I somehow qualified for some special status....

and of course...there was so much pain....pain from the consequences of my gambling...pain from...things that I'd done (or neglected to do) while I was in the cycle...and...all of the things that I was 'escaping' from when i began to gamble in the first place...grief, responsibilities, feeling alone, fragmented, overwhelmed....or...that it was all pointless anyway...this life.

all of these things kept me focused on ME.

And I really have a problem with people saying things like 'pity party' or 'get over yourself'

if I KNEW how to 'get over it' or 'let it go' I would've done that long ago...without causing myself a whole lot MORE grief.

I DIDN'T know...

I didn't even know it was really POSSIBLE.

I felt like...I felt like my PAIN...was a part of who I *AM*.

I am learning otherwise.

There are steps....a process...and we are all different....our process will vary...but we have to find a focus on other things...other people...

Visit a shut-in...volunteer a friend SOMETHING that isn't about YOU.

Just a little something even....start the process.....

When I catch myself being overly absorbed in moi...I don't reprimand myself :) I mean...I'm only human...and I'm learning....I just gently acknowledge that I need to focus elsewhere....for this little moment anyway :)

After a while..things started to present themself..things that I felt LED to do...felt the NEED to do things that often have nothing at all to do with me.

and from this I learn...and when I learn, I grow.....and heal.

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