My life had become unmanageable

Sometimes things just hit me like a brick.


I stopped gambling in 2002 and did not gamble for 20 months.

Then…one morning…I was able to justify it.

I was suffering….a great deal….anyone would understand….no one could blame me….besides…I didn’t have access to very much money….what could it hurt?

I gambled that morning…and it wasn’t so bad….I didn’t stay too long or gamble too much money away…but…it FELT different…. Gambling was different because *I* was different….I knew things now…I knew what I was doing to myself…

Today - my whole being suffers if I gamble -- even if I were to walk away a (monetary) 'winner'. Something else happens to me when I gamble now. It hurts. Gambling now, with all of the knowledge that I've gained, FEELS very different than 'gambling in ignorance' did.

So I didn’t gamble for a week or so….but then….that voice…started saying that…I’d already blown my clean date….it didn’t really matter now if I wanted to go for a few hours…PLUS….I could do it…without KILLING myself financially (I just did it last week) and blah blah blah blah blah.

I was back in the cycle.

It was different tho….

The FIRST time I was caught up in the cycle… I gambled every single day for as many hours as I possibly could…I was CONSTANTLY obsessed with thoughts of gambling…I was…I was practically POSESSED.

The SECOND time…well…I didn’t gamble every SINGLE day….and…I usually didn’t spend more than a few hundred dollars on any given day – I didn’t gamble as LONG as I used to..or spend as much money…..I didn’t REALLY pick up where I left off…like g.a. says we do…

At least…that’s what I thought…until that brick hit me yesterday.

I mean…to a degree, that is true…I spent hundreds of thousands of dollars the first time….there were times….I would spend thousands of dollars a day…several days a week.

I didn’t do that the second time.

But then…I WOULD have…if I could have…and whenever I WAS able to get my hands on money…
Damn….things are really coming back to me…

Anyway

What I was thinking about yesterday….the brick that hit me….was…how I talk about…our thinking…NOT talking about the addictive voice here…just talking about the noise that was constantly going on in my head..the endless chatter…..I was remembering a day…….

I had to work that day but I wanted to stop at a sandwich shop to play video poker. They don’t open til 10 am but the girl who opens up knows me…because I play there often….and she will sometimes let me in before the shop officially opens.

I stop at the shop but she doesn’t answer the door. She is probably in the office in the back and can’t hear me knocking, so I call the shop…to tell her that I’m there…no one answers the phone….I keep knocking and calling…and pacing…I really want to play….I shouldn’t…I SHOULD get to work…but…if I could just play for a few minutes first….

I am unable to get her attention…and I should get to work…so I leave.

I am near the office.

I pull into the left turn lane behind another vehicle. Left turn protected on arrow only.

I am thinking….”ok…it’s 9:30…I will work for a few hours, then I have to go mail this package, then I have to get to the bank, then I have to stop by the dry cleaner, I cannot forget to make that phone call”..the light turned green…the car ahead of me proceeds into traffic, I follow…”I have carpool this afternoon” and then…I realized….just before she hit me….no arrow…there was no arrow…I went because the car ahead of me had gone…but that car BOLTED …and I am in the middle of the intersection…and this car…without applying the brakes…hits me and hits me hard.

I was fine.

Well..not fine.

I was a WRECK….

But I wasn’t hurt…the other lady was. Not badly….we both had airbags..I drove an SUV…practically a TANK….it could’ve been much worse.

It was one of the worst days I’ve had.

I wasn’t concentrating…I was thinking…I must do THIS and I must do THAT and I have to be HERE…I was probably trying to figure out if and when I could fit gambling into my busy day…

That night…I’m in no condition to cook.

We order pizza.

I went to bed early.

The next morning…I get the boys off to school…then I start picking up.

The pizza box is still on the coffee table….I bring it to the kitchen…set it on the stove….clean up breakfast dishes..shower…get dressed….smoke a cigarette then leave…for a (much needed) appointment with my therapist.

I am about seven minutes from the house when I get a call. It is the alarm company. The girl tells me that they are getting a signal from the smoke detector.

Sometimes that happens.

False alarms.

I tell her I just left the house, it is fine.

She said…well…..the signal is coming from the upstairs AND the downstairs detector.

Then I knew.

The pizza box.

On the stove.

OMG

She had already called the fire department…I turned around…headed home….I was falling apart…smoke was…downstairs AND upstairs? OMG…it was bad…it was really bad….

I called my therapist to tell her I wouldn’t be coming in…she stayed on the phone with me until I pulled up…the firetrucks were there….inside all of the window…looked black…OMG OMG

I come running up….there are a dozen men in my house….the STENCH….and…some soot….they are trying to figure out how it happened…did I cook anything??

I lost it…I began to sob…and sob….I could barely breathe…hyperventilating…I WAS NOT OK.

That morning…just before I left…I smoked a cigarette…it is really the only time that I ‘pause’….but…I didn’t have a lighter handy (I typically have 0 or 20 lighters in my purse…that morning…0)…so I turned on the STOVEEEE…and I lit my cigarette…then ran out of the house quickly (so that smoke wouldn’t be inside)…locked the door….sat on the porch…smoked the cigarette…then left.

It could have been so much worse…it SHOULD have been so much worse…the firemen found a side door that was unlocked (not good…but it sure did work for me THAT day) so they didn’t have to break a door or window to get in…

AND

I had smoke detectors that worked…AND my alarm was monitored…AND the firemen got here quickly…AND there was almost NO fire damage and very very little smoke damage.

Everything was Ok.

But *I* was not.

I couldn’t stop crying….my world…was….out of control.


It’s not about the money.
It’s not even about the time really.

If I gamble….I lose who I am.

And-

There is no peace.

My life...had become unmanageable....AGAIN.