Gambling and attention deficit disorder

"One of the first and most obvious things was that these were folks who couldn't relax, couldn't slow down, who were very restless," Rugle says. "If you tried to do any kind of relaxation with them, it was almost too painful for them to endure."

the entire article here:

http://www.addcentre.co.uk/gamblingandadd.htm

what i want....

For a long time I had to focus on JUST NOT GAMBLING.

It was hard.

The thoughts consumed me.

But after a while....they don't.

They're still there for a while...but it's just that...a thought...not an obsession.

THAT is when we need stop stop focusing on what we don't want to do (gamble)...after all..we're NOT doing it any longer....
and we need to decide

what do we WANT?

we know what we don't want.

but now what?

It took me a while for my thinking to clear....
for a while, after I stopped gambling, it took every bit of effort to get back to doing what HAD to be done...my RESPONSIBILITES....

working...housework...errands....all of those things were (sometimes still are) so hard to do.

but there's more to life than that.

more than just 'filling our days' with something to do.

more than just finding OTHER things to do in order to not gamble.

yeah...we DO need to find other things to fill our time with...hobbies...rebuilding relationships... boredom can be dangerous.

but there's more to it than that.

I don't want to not gamble so that I won't be in debt and constantly worried about money.

I want to know that I have what I NEED....and even be able to have FUN money..to do REAL things with...

For instance...last week I found a really neat cake....it's a pumpkin cake...reminds me of one my mom used to make....I ordered and had them shipped to my nieces and nephew as a Halloween gift.

They were THRILLED!

so was I :)

I don't want to not gamble so that I don't suffer those highs and lows...and come home in a panic trying to hurry up and accomplish what I should have been doing all day long.

I don't want to not gamble so that I can sit through a family function...like a holiday dinner...without...well..you know.

Now that I am no longer gambling...

My life cannot be about not gambling.

My life has to be about...what I DO want.

The stigma

Most of us don't seek help for a long time...for many reasons.

Not the least of these, I think, is the stigma of having a gambling problem.

You know...my state must have a great anti-gambling lobby because there is lots of information and resources...1-800 numbers on billboards, etc.

Anywhere I'd play..there would be signs displayed that say "If you have a gambling problem call 1-800..."

of course I wouldn't call.

of course I didn't have a gambling problem.

well...sure...I did have a problem...of sorts...I mean...I was gambling too much and had gotten into debt...and ...well...but it wasn't a GAMBLING PROBLEM --per se'.

people with gambling problems...in my mind...well...they weren't like ME.

I know better now :)

we are senior citizens...we are very young...
we are shy, loners
we are social butterflies
we are (or started out) wealthy
we are poor
we are successful businessmen and women
we are laborers
we are highly educated
we have had little schooling
we wear designer clothes and shoes
we get our clothes from second hand stores
we are obnoxious
we are very nice people

a few years ago, i stopped at a store to buy a pack of cigarettes and the guy behind the counter looked shocked...handed me the cigarettes and said 'you don't look like you'd be smoker.'

someone once told me at a g.a. meeting 'you don't look like a gambler'.

yeah...I thought so too.

*I* just gambled for FUN.

People who needed that 1-800 number...were nothing like me...they were...they were....???
well..they didn't LOOK like me or THINK like me or DRESS like me or ACT like me-

that's what I thought...
because I had an image..of what a problem gambler was...and it wasn't me.

This thing...doesn't care who you are or how smart you are or how successful ...
it doesn't matter if you were the prom queen...
you are not exempt.

none of us are.

We cannot get help...we WON'T get help...until we acknowledge that we need it.

There is help.

Get it together

I had an appointment this morning and as I was leaving the house I realized my wallet isn't in my purse.

Well..it's not really a wallet..it's a really skinny decorative metal thing that holds cash, credit cards, drivers license --and it was gone?

Long story short...it took me a while to locate it even tho I had it this morning...gave the boys lunch money..so I KNEW it was here....but it took a while.

When I finally found it...I thought 'how the h*ll did it get there???'
and the same thing happened the other day with my toothbrush...

my husband asked me why I put my toothbrush in his cup?

huh?

I didn't.

I don't use his cup.
don't get near it.

well..I *DO* use his sink (which ticks him off by the way).. so I was NEAR the cup...but I KNOW I didn't touch it

or put my toothbrush in it.

but

I had to have.

unless we have ghosts.
poltergeists, no less.

doubt it.

so this morning...after I find my 'wallet'....I'm thinking.....

Presence.

You know....last year at this time...I was 'practicing' presence...incorporating some other things (relaxation techniques etc.) into my day as well.

When you're practicing being AWARE or present....you are paying attention to every little thing...every sensation...everything...

when you're doing that...you're really focused on what you're doing.

I don't think I ever drove away from the house wondering if I'd locked the front door or left the iron turned on when I was practicing presence....I KNEW what I'd done because I wasn't just going through my day....through my LIFE on auto-pilot.

so yeah....maybe this 'down' time was an opportunity for me to rethink things...and to regroup and restart.

working with others

So...I pulled out the Big Book of AA to find that reference about helping another alcoholic....and I found all sorts of interesting things as I flipped through it.

I always do :)

It's an interesting book.

In the section about 'working with others'...the 'instructions' given are quite different than what I see happening in 12 step groups...it says "If he thinks he can do the job in some other way, or prefers some other spiritual approach, encourage him to follow his own conscience..........we merely have an approach that worked for us. But point out that we alcoholics have much in common and that you would like to be friendly. Let it go at that"

follow his own conscience.....I often hear people saying "look where YOUR thinking got you!"

and...in the book....there's this "Never talk down to an alcoholic from any moral or spiritual hilltop; simply lay out the kit of spiritual tools for his inspection. Show him how they worked with you. Offer him friendship and fellowship. Tell him that if he wants to get well you willl do anything to help."

From time to time...someone will post (at a website for compulsive gamblers) some information from the Big Book of AA and inevitably someone will protest "We are not alcoholics! We don't need that information..we have our OWN program, our OWN literature!"

yes...we do....literature that says "Honesty, openmindedness and willingness are the keywords in our recovery........"

Carry this message

A little better today.

A 'quiet storm' is what one friend called it.

I don't talk about it much...but I guess if I were to call it something..it would be a 'dark'

something?

it's more than a mood.

period maybe. spell.

anyway...it's beginning to lift.

I don't think 'normal' people get that....not like THAT.

I think most of 'us' do.

I think that maybe I learned something tho ---- something about me --- about 'us'.

You know...I am almost always 'up' these days...as in my 'mood'.

Well...I have two friends that have really been 'there' for me these past few days...making every effort to make me feel that I am not alone.

They do this because...well..because they are my friends, but also because...they 'get' it.

so they have been...ummm...trying to 'lift my spirits'.

hasn't helped me really...but I have seen a change in both of THEM.
both of THEM seem hmmmm somewhat 'lifted'.

and it occurs to me...

I spend a lot of time talking to others...'lifting' them, if you will, and you know....

I've always said that 'its hard to gamble when you spend all of your time talking about not gambling'.

I'm now beginning to think that....'its hard to be 'down' when you spend all of your time telling others that 'things can be ok'...that 'life can be good'....'


This reminds me of something that I heard or read somewhere...that when an alcoholic thinks he needs a drink...what he really needs is another alcoholic.

I was just looking in the Big Book of AA (the basis of all 12 step programs)...to try to find this...and

Right...I know...I'm not an alcoholic....
a g.a. old-timer once gave me this book and said 'read this....anywhere it says alcohol, mentally substitue the word gambling'

it is remarkably like 'us'...or....well...at least it is remarkably like ME.

anyway....of course, I couldn't find it....but there are many places that say exactly that...for instance...in the FOREWARD "It also indicated that strenuous work, one alcoholic with another, was vital to permanent recovery.'

'permanent recovery'

i like the sound of that.

the blues

I'm really not wanting to write.

I have the blues.

Not for any particular reason, I think?

So...I'm thinking...no one wants to hear about that.

It's depressing.

and it isn't relevant anyway.

plus....I am prone to isolate when I'm feeling this way.

I just want to...I dunno...to sleep...to be alone.

but I don't REALLY wanna be alone.

I just feel like I am.

and then I make it so.

anyway...I don't really want to write...but I am writing anyway.

I think it's not fair if I don't.

I mean...if I only write when I have that 'spring in my step'.....or even...when crap is happening and I'm not ok....that isn't really fair.

cuz there are THESE times....
and if YOU hare having them from time to time...it may help to know that...well...you are not alone.

even if it feels like you are.

I've had this before...these...'mood swings'...the 'blahs' for no particular reason...or maybe it IS for a reason...but the mood seems excessive for the circumstance?

I think that I don't usually write during it.

I usually talk about it some AFTER it has passed.

but that's not really fair....I'm not sure I can 'capture' what it was like...after the fact.

what IS it like?

I dunno....

I'm not sure if the mood came first...then these other things began to bother me...or if these other things brought on the mood?

Since I've been home...things are good...normal...and any thoughts of gambling that I had when I was away...are far away...and I'm grateful that I got thru them without having gambled.

but then...I was talking to a friend the other day...a friend who has been struggling...gambling off and on...and this friend says 'as you say---if we can forsee any circumstance where gambling may be an option....we must make a plan'.

and I realized that I CAN forsee a circumstance where I would likely gamble.

and I don't want to take steps to prevent it.

that's scary as hell to me.

it's insane.

but still....it is what i feel.

this...'circumstance'...

when we were in Idaho a few months ago, there was a woman on the news...her husband and her two sons...16 and 20 years old, I think, were murdered by an illegal alien from Mexico.

well...the murderers status really isn't important...but...she lost her whole family....in an instant.

I remember years ago reading an article about a woman who lost her husband and child in a plane crash...she survived...and was a mess.

so would I be.

first of all...the likelihood of this actually happen is slim to none (i think)...so I'm probably not in any real danger

but the fact that my mind would consider that an option???

I mean...yes...I would be in despair.

but...gambling...for me....can only lead to desperation...I know this.

so

if I feel terrible

I am going to do something that can only make me feel more terrible??

like i said, it's insane.
and I am fully aware of the repercussions

anway

that's not really what the blues are about, I think.

although that is on my mind....the insanity of that thinking...and how sad it is that even now, the possibility of ever gambling again still lives in me.

but it's more than that....I am on the verge of tears right now...have been for two days and I can't really tell you why.

it's not easy to do this...to 'open up' when I'm feeling this way.

it's ok.
i'm ok.
don't try to make me feel better.
whatever it is...it will pass.
everything changes.
it always does.

Overcoming Problem Gambling

A friend of mine emailed me the other day suggesting that I post the Caught off Guard entry at Gamcare Forum.

So I did...in the "Overcoming Problem Gambling" section.

One of the staff members replied: "Posts like these are so important. They highlight the reality of living the "overcoming". The actual individual experience, that I'm sure many here will relate to. It would be great to see more of this in the "overcoming problem gambling" area."

so I've been thinking about that....and responded there this morning...thought I would put that entry here as well:

Living the "overcoming"

no kidding.

You're right Michelle - most of us tend to use this forum (or other support systems, like G.A.) when we are desperate -- we are in trouble - we can't stop - we need help.

Usually, I think, we are able to manage SOME amount of 'clean time' once we find a group or a method that suits us.

We don't really understand what the problem is.

For some period of time we thought the problem was that we were LOSING so much money....'if I could only win, then everything would be OK'.
or maybe...'if I could only PAUSE for a while...catch up on some bills...take a break...get this under control, then everything would be OK'.

and maybe those things happen for some people, and they are OK.

maybe for some people "Overcoming Problem Gambling" is about "How do I break free of the cycle"

and then they're OK.

I wasn't.

Using G.A. I managed to break free...then...being free...I stopped going.

that was fine.

*I* was fine.

until I wasn't.

when life became difficult (and it always does)...after nearly two years of abstinence...I was gambling again.

I gambled for nearly two more years.

Then...with the help of safe harbor and gamcare and gambler's anonymous....I broke free again.

Breaking free really ISN'T easy.

but once we do...there is ANOTHER aspect to "Overcoming Problem Gambling".

that is....

Is abstinence required in order for me to live my best life?

and if it is....how do I maintain abstinence?

Once we have some time away from our last bet...it's likely that we are feeling pretty good...we may even feel unstoppable.

Maybe some people are.

Maybe some people come here...and post "Please Help!" and "How do I do this?" or any of those pleas that we post in the New members forums when we are desperate....

maybe they come here for a while...post and chat and QUIT...then go away and live happily ever after (at least as far as gambling is concerned).

I imagine some do.

But most of us don't.

Many of us come back after some period of time and post something like "I'm back" or "I did it again" or "I am so stupid" or something like that...

some of us come and go over and over and over again...stopping gambling...then we stop showing up...then we come back....and repeat the cycle.

that's ok....if it's ok with them.

I hate that hurt.

Life is painful enough without inflicting it on myself.

I know that if I gamble...I will fall into the cycle...and I will end up in pain again.

don't want that.

and I am free...for nearly two years now...I haven't gambled...

so for *ME* overcoming problem gambling is no longer about "How do I stop?"....

it is about "How do I LIVE?"and"How do I STAY stopped?"

so far...for me...that answer changes, with time.

as *I* change...what is necessary for me to continue abstinence seems to change.

but for me....it is clear...that I cannot just 'walk away' from it all...from recovery...from the friendship and support of others like me.

I don't wanna DWELL on what I've done.
as a matter of fact, I think it's imperative that we learn to get past that.

I don't wanna SUFFER forever...feeling deprived because I CAN'T gamble.

I don't think we have to.

I don't.

I don't really feel 'punished' that I have to remain 'active' somehow (in recovery)....as a matter of fact..I have made some wonderful friendhsips...
I am learning more about myself than most people ever do.
I like me more today than maybe I ever have.

there's still a lot of work to be done tho :)

but yes....there is so much more to "Overcoming Problem Gambling" than just learning how to stop.

at least....there is for me.

When I went crazy...

My husband and I rarely discuss any of this.

From time to time..he may worry that I'm not OK...that I may be 'triggered' and he'll ask me if I'm alright.

If I *AM* alright, I'll just laugh about it....about the fact that when I'm gambling he really doesn't notice...and when I'm FINE he thinks I'm gambling???

and if I'm NOT alright...if I'm gambling....and he asks if i'm alright....I'm overly sensitive about it.

anyway

if i'm on the pc and he asks what i'm doing...i'll say something like "I'm on one of my sites" and he knows what that means.

or I may say "I'm doing my stuff."

today we had to go to the bank.

on the way..he says....I have an account there that we need to add your name to while we're there.

you do?

'yes' he said 'I opened it when you went crazy'

when I went crazy.

well...I 'went crazy' long before he opened that account...he opened that account when he FOUND OUT I went crazy.

Nevertheless, I *DID* go crazy and he *DID* open the account.

So we were at the bank and the girl is having us sign papers, etc. and the computer screen is pointed in my direction...I am looking at the information....and I see...Date Account Opened 4/16/02

and I was thinking about him....having to open that account...what he must have been feeling..thinking...on 4/16/02.

and the difference now.
the difference in him,
in me,
in us....

I never thought we'd be ok again.
On 4/16/02 I thought that our marriage was ending....and that even if we stayed together...we would never be the same again....we'd never be happy again....with each other....or at least....he would never be..with me...

and here we were
sitting here together....
adding me to this account.

and all is well.

better than ever.

and I need to never 'go crazy' again.

Caught off guard

I wasn't going to mention that I went to the beach this weekend....all of the travel that I've done recently seems a bit over the top...in any event...I'm done-- won't be going anywhere for quite a while....back to 'real life'.

there's a reason that I want to talk about it.

Now....when I was trying to break out of the cycle I had to stay away from any of the places that I used to gamble.

Video poker machines are in nearly every bar and restaurant in the city....but if I went to a restaurant that I'd never played at...no problem....however...if I was at a place that I used to PLAY....the machines seemed to call out to me...

so I stayed away from those places.

it's not so any more....I can walk right into those places....no problem...I KNOW I don't want that life--

and...for me....choosing to drop a few dollars into a machine is NOT just putting a few dollars in--- it is, once again, choosing that life.

I know this.

so...it's not an issue.

I don't fight urges...I really don't have them.

But when I was in London....I was really considering it.
sort of.

Then, this weekend....on my way to meet my girlfriends at the beach I had to pass many casinos in Mississippi.

I started thinking....sort of 'planning' even.....didn't stop...but...maybe on the way home...

the idea was sort of with me all weekend...the 'plan' was sort of there.

sometimes...the smart me would take over...and say...'what the hell am i thinking?'
and
'why...all of a sudden...has this become an issue?'
and
'what do I need to do...what is it that I'm not doing....that is allowing/causing this to happen?'

I sort of think that 'working a program' my whole life...sounds..well...

hmmmmm

it sounds......

excessive?

I know that I need to be in a constant state of growth...on a path of self-discovery....but I am loathe to call that 'working a program' for some reason...

but..

suddenly....it seems like I must not be doing enough?

so...I sort of made things happen so that I would be able to stop.
not for too long...
maybe not even enough time to stop...

I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't have....but I REALLY REALLY wanted to.

sort of.

so....on the ride home yesterday, as I approached the first of the casino exits...I texted a friend.

somehow...just doing that...just TELLING someone helped.

we communicated back and forth til I was past the last casino exit...then I had an hour to drive.....thinking....

it's only an hour away.
I could go any time.

There are places all over my city....within walking distance of my home even....

but I never consider that.
It's not an option...

and then...it hit me....

for *me*...vacation is not 'real life'.

always....when I have been on vacation...I would splurge...or do things I wouldn't normally do...the responsibilities of 'real life' are not there....work...school...house work...BILLS.... vacation is sort of fantasy.... and then WHAM - back home...back to 'real life'....being responsible...to do lists...blah blah blah.

I have passed those casino exits many times without a thought to go.... most recently, I attended a funeral in Alabama (real life)...no problem at all.

So I didn't expect this....this desire.

It's the frame of mind....that...'anything goes' mentality....I'm on vacation...

I have been in more 'dangerous' situations....even having gone to Las Vegas a few months ago...

but

I was prepared...I *knew* that I was going to be inside of casinos and I was ready. I was ready MENTALLY...because I KNEW I had to be cautious...and have a plan.

There was no need to implement my plan...I was fine.

because I was ready.

This thing in London...I was not prepared for....same thing this weekend...

The g.a. combo book says "When it comes to gambling, we have known many problem gamblers who could abstain for long stretches, but caught off guard and under the right set of circumstances, they started gambling without thought of the consequences."

Funny that....acknowledging that I am NOT ok.....allows me to BE ok.....when I THINK I'm fine....well....I guess I got caught off guard.

SO

what have I learned?

a) in the future...ANY time I am going to be away...in that 'vacation frame of mind' I should have a plan.
b) being 'connected' with other cg's ....not being alone in this is important....well..... if I didn't have anyone to text...to tell....not just ANYone....it had to be one of US....if I didn't have that option....well...I'm just glad that I DID have someone to reach out to....

So I guess I am stronger and wiser for the experience....the NEXT time I will be prepared....I'll have a plan.

Grateful that I made it through THIS time tho.

Back to 'real life' now.
Have a good day.

Relaxation Techniques

In the early days...it is CRITICAL that we RELAX and SLOW DOWN.

I have said this many times.

I was talking to someone the other day...who is in the cycle...trying to break free...who said 'I think I need to relax and slow down.'

lol

well...identifying our needs is a huge step, isn't it?!

I didn't KNOW how to do that.

well.... I used this thing..for years...to help me to fall asleep...and I sort of abbreviate that method when I'm not in a horizontal position and able to snooze for a bit :)

when I notice, for instance, that I am gripping the steering wheel tightly (stress)...I will remove my hands (while stopped LOL) close them into a fist very tightly...then release....several times...

when i'm having a hard time falling asleep, I start at my toes and do this all the way up (if I last that long).

if a fire started in my home after I'd done this...I 'd likely burn to death...I'm too relaxed to move at all.

anyway--- I recently learned that this is a technique that actually has a NAME (Progressive Muscle Relaxation)..

but there are others as well...other techniques...find something that works for you...a way to just SLOW down......

then practice it often.

here's an article on Relaxation techniques from May Clinic:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/relaxation-technique/SR00007

Have a Plan

A friend of mine is worried.

My friend doesn't have much clean time and is going to be in a vulnerable position next week.

So I said 'make a plan'.

Think about it....envision what it will be like....
where will the opportunities be?
eliminate them....
identify triggers....
avoid them.....
and....just in case you find yourself in trouble anyway...
have a plan.....phone numbers....reach out for help.

then....I remembered something...


Here...when you play regularly at a casino, it is wise to get a 'players card'...you enroll....they know who you are..address, etc. and you insert the card into the machines and they 'track' your play.

you get rewards based on the amount of play.
free hotel rooms,
free spa services (massage)
merchandise
food
and MONEY.

HA! free :)

anyway-

the more you play..the more you get

there are two casinos in my area.

when I stopped gambling in 2002 my husband took over ALL of the money..and that was good...I needed that to stop gambling

but after a few months...I wasn't gambling....i was ok
but i was broke
and i hated it.

but....WE were broke....trying to pay back the debt, etc . we were ALL doing without....so I had no room to complain.

it was because of me.

but

I was getting mailings from both of those casinos.

once a month...they send you coupons to cash in...to get your cash...
you get one coupon per week.

the coupons were for a lot of money.....especially for someone with NONE.

plus...I owed my best friend some money....money I'd borrowed due to gambling...and I wanted to pay her back.

so

(note: I am not for a moment recommending that anyone try this....it isn't smart and usually ends in disaster)

first...I decided which casino would be easiest to get in and out of 'safely'.

so I went to the store
I bought a card.....
I came home
I wrote to my friend about our friendship...about how much i love her and appreciate her...and that here is some money ....just a portion of what I owed....but...a start..

then I bought a stamp
put it on the envelope
it was ready to go....i just needed the money-

then
i went to the casino

i tipped the valet and told him not to park the car, I would be RIGHT out.

i brought the card in with me.
the cashier is right smack dab in the middle of the casino

i have to wait in line

people gambling all around me

sights-sounds

i am holding my card

knowing full well...that if i do not get my money and walk right out of there

i will not be able to mail it.

and i really really wanted to send that card.

and I did it.

I got my money...put it right in the envelope...sealed it up and walked out of there.

it felt great.

* * * * * * * * * *

anyway....I didn't really HAVE to do this....to put myself in that situation...and I probably shouldn't have...but sometimes...we ARE in situations that are...uncomfortable or dangerous......when we know this, in advance, it is a good idea to 'have a plan'.

Waiting

I was scheduled to leave London on 9-3.

The airport in New Orleans was still closed and the area was under 24 hour curfew the night before....so I needed a new plan.

Before the storm actually hit, I figured...if I get stuck in London for a few extra days...poor me LOL

and I had a blast...but when it's time to go home....well....I was ready.

All of my friends had evacuated.

I needed someone who was near an airport - that was willing to pick me up - and could accomodate me (where to sleep? most hotels were full for hundreds of miles) -- AND would be in a hurry to get back home (*I* sure was....as soon as the curfew was lifted...I wanted to be there).

It turns out that my best friend fit the bill.

I flew into Memphis.

New Orleans airport was still closed but the curfew had been lifted....she planned to pick me up and we'd start driving home right then.

I get my luggage and head outside....I had been awake for nearly twenty hours.

She wasn't there.

No big deal...I needed to stand for a while anyway.

I wait.

She calls.

She said....she was sorry she was late..she'd be there in half an hour...she sounded...I dunno....funny....I asked if everything was OK...she said she'd tell me when she got there.

so I waited.

over an hour.

no complaints....I was excited to be going home and appreciated that she was doing this for me...as it turned out...the curfew had been lifted that morning...and if she hadn't committed to picking ME up...she'd have been home already....

she shows up and we start driving.

I figure it was a family issue....whatever the hold up was....some sort of drama....she seemed stressed...apologetic....upset about being late....

Then she tells me why she is late.
She was at the casino.

She hit a jackpot just as she should have been leaving....and it took a while for them to pay her.

k

she was with her mom at the casino (her family would remain in Memphis another day...none of them had electricity restored yet)....

and she was pretty excited...it was the largest jackpot she'd ever hit...she asked me "did you ever win that much?"

I did.

but....I was getting uncomfortable....

but she was excited....I remember....so I let her go on...

then she starts to tell me what kind of machine it was... "do you know those? I don't think they had them when you played" so she begins to tell me how it works... about the 'feature'...

"I really don't want to know." I said, interrupting her.

She stopped.
Realized....apologized.

I laughed...told her that she had ME to thank that she'd won....if she wasn't picking me up at the airport...she would be in New Orleans...NOT at the casino!

* * * * * * * * * * *

So many times...people waited for me...SHE has waited for me many times....when we were to meet for lunch and I'd be late....or I wouldn't show at all.....my husband, my children....over the years they've all waited on me...while I was at a machine.

I've been late for everything...all of my life...but never...NEVER....like when I was gambling.

I make every effort now...to not make people wait.

Especially my children.

* * * * * * * * * *

My not wanting to gamble really is about so much more than money.

a baffling illness....

I was thinking today about the sites that I frequent...and the content of many of the posts from 'newbies'...you know...'how do i stop?' or something to that effect.

how do i stop?

how is it possible that we cannot stop doing something that we don't want to do?

how is it that we could want to do...so badly...something that we don't want to do?

it doesn't make any sense at all.

the thing that has brought us so much pain...misery...the thing that brought ME to my knees...the thing that hurt so badly....that we wonder if we can ever be happy again...often, we want to die...

yet we don't want to stop.

but then...once we DO stop.... we NEVER want to do it again....except for those few odd moments when we do.

geez

no wonder our loved ones don't 'get it'.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

This Gustav/Ike business has brought back some memories.....when Katrina hit I had five outstanding payday loans.

We were watching the news....we had evacuated...everyone that I KNEW had evacuated...it was coming....it would be a while before we could go home...if we still HAD a home to go back to...

so much uncertainty-

fear-

will I have a home to return to?
what about our kids' schools?
the stuff we left behind....automobiles...contents of our homes...
what will happen to our jobs?
when will we be paid again?
how long can we AFFORD to do this? live in this home away from home?
did all of my loved ones leave?

that was just for starters....

but me...

I had other fears....secret fears that I couldn't share with anyone....

what was going to happen to those loans?
would they give me a 'grace period' because of the storm?
when were they going to start clearing my bank account....and me...without enough money to cover them.....and what was my husband going to say.

so

after the storm...when many of our worst fears had been realized and one out of a hundred cell calls would actually go thru....while the whole world was calling friends, loved ones...making sure people were safe....trying to find out the condition of their property....etc. etc. etc. -- *I* was trying to remember the names of the places I'd taken loans out with (I never kept the paperwork.... it was 'evidence')....and getting numbers for them....and making phone calls....sending emails....buying time.

I was frantic.

my world was crashing in.

two months later...I was living back at home....and sitting at a poker machine...pressing the button pressing the button pressing the button....

blew my whole paycheck in just a few hours.

yeah,

no wonder they don't 'get it'.

if I had never gambled....would I?

Accountability

There's so much to say.

I've been without internet since Gustav hit...am at a neighbor's house at the moment. Hoping mine will be restored by tomorrow.

I had the pleasure of meeting three of my friends...that I'd come to know online...compulsive gamblers all....while I was in London.

That was amazing.

I don't have long....but want to share this --

when I was in London I passed a betting shop...and the thoughts...you know....'who would know?' 'what would it hurt?'

of course I KNEW what it would hurt....and I knew that *I* would know...but still....I toyed with the idea.

Isn't that amazing?
As smart as I am.
As much as I know.
As strong as I feel...as strong as my recovery is....
that....my brain could still 'go there'....even for a moment....

yeah, *I* would know.
and I would have to come HERE...and tell YOU.

I suppose I've taken on some responsibility...doing this...the blog.

I'm accountable....to you.

so thank you for that :)

but...there's something else, too.....

you know....I've been here before....nearly two years free...strong...good...yet I returned to the cycle...and it took me two years to break free again...

but recently....

I've watched that happen from the 'outside'.

I've watched a friend that is smart and who seemed 'unstoppable' (in recovery)....who... one day gambled.....no big deal....didn't get out of control....was ok.

my friend gambled again a few weeks later...again....in a more or less 'normal' fashion.

I was worried....momentum.....

it didn't take long for my friend to be 'hooked' again....desperate to stop, but unsure of how....not feeling strong enough....or even the DESIRE really....although my friend was in a great deal of pain due to gambling and KNEW so much...about it...about recovery.... was unable and unwilling to even try to break free.

Seeing it.
From this side.
The strength....the determination.....the happiness...

and then....one 'harmless' afternoon....

the desperation.


I want my life...
so...
thank you...
each one of you....for allowing me to be accountable in this way.

Back soon,
Love Peg