Caught off guard

I wasn't going to mention that I went to the beach this weekend....all of the travel that I've done recently seems a bit over the top...in any event...I'm done-- won't be going anywhere for quite a while....back to 'real life'.

there's a reason that I want to talk about it.

Now....when I was trying to break out of the cycle I had to stay away from any of the places that I used to gamble.

Video poker machines are in nearly every bar and restaurant in the city....but if I went to a restaurant that I'd never played at...no problem....however...if I was at a place that I used to PLAY....the machines seemed to call out to me...

so I stayed away from those places.

it's not so any more....I can walk right into those places....no problem...I KNOW I don't want that life--

and...for me....choosing to drop a few dollars into a machine is NOT just putting a few dollars in--- it is, once again, choosing that life.

I know this.

so...it's not an issue.

I don't fight urges...I really don't have them.

But when I was in London....I was really considering it.
sort of.

Then, this weekend....on my way to meet my girlfriends at the beach I had to pass many casinos in Mississippi.

I started thinking....sort of 'planning' even.....didn't stop...but...maybe on the way home...

the idea was sort of with me all weekend...the 'plan' was sort of there.

sometimes...the smart me would take over...and say...'what the hell am i thinking?'
and
'why...all of a sudden...has this become an issue?'
and
'what do I need to do...what is it that I'm not doing....that is allowing/causing this to happen?'

I sort of think that 'working a program' my whole life...sounds..well...

hmmmmm

it sounds......

excessive?

I know that I need to be in a constant state of growth...on a path of self-discovery....but I am loathe to call that 'working a program' for some reason...

but..

suddenly....it seems like I must not be doing enough?

so...I sort of made things happen so that I would be able to stop.
not for too long...
maybe not even enough time to stop...

I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't have....but I REALLY REALLY wanted to.

sort of.

so....on the ride home yesterday, as I approached the first of the casino exits...I texted a friend.

somehow...just doing that...just TELLING someone helped.

we communicated back and forth til I was past the last casino exit...then I had an hour to drive.....thinking....

it's only an hour away.
I could go any time.

There are places all over my city....within walking distance of my home even....

but I never consider that.
It's not an option...

and then...it hit me....

for *me*...vacation is not 'real life'.

always....when I have been on vacation...I would splurge...or do things I wouldn't normally do...the responsibilities of 'real life' are not there....work...school...house work...BILLS.... vacation is sort of fantasy.... and then WHAM - back home...back to 'real life'....being responsible...to do lists...blah blah blah.

I have passed those casino exits many times without a thought to go.... most recently, I attended a funeral in Alabama (real life)...no problem at all.

So I didn't expect this....this desire.

It's the frame of mind....that...'anything goes' mentality....I'm on vacation...

I have been in more 'dangerous' situations....even having gone to Las Vegas a few months ago...

but

I was prepared...I *knew* that I was going to be inside of casinos and I was ready. I was ready MENTALLY...because I KNEW I had to be cautious...and have a plan.

There was no need to implement my plan...I was fine.

because I was ready.

This thing in London...I was not prepared for....same thing this weekend...

The g.a. combo book says "When it comes to gambling, we have known many problem gamblers who could abstain for long stretches, but caught off guard and under the right set of circumstances, they started gambling without thought of the consequences."

Funny that....acknowledging that I am NOT ok.....allows me to BE ok.....when I THINK I'm fine....well....I guess I got caught off guard.

SO

what have I learned?

a) in the future...ANY time I am going to be away...in that 'vacation frame of mind' I should have a plan.
b) being 'connected' with other cg's ....not being alone in this is important....well..... if I didn't have anyone to text...to tell....not just ANYone....it had to be one of US....if I didn't have that option....well...I'm just glad that I DID have someone to reach out to....

So I guess I am stronger and wiser for the experience....the NEXT time I will be prepared....I'll have a plan.

Grateful that I made it through THIS time tho.

Back to 'real life' now.
Have a good day.