Monday, September 29, 2008

what i want....

For a long time I had to focus on JUST NOT GAMBLING.

It was hard.

The thoughts consumed me.

But after a while....they don't.

They're still there for a while...but it's just that...a thought...not an obsession.

THAT is when we need stop stop focusing on what we don't want to do (gamble)...after all..we're NOT doing it any longer....
and we need to decide

what do we WANT?

we know what we don't want.

but now what?

It took me a while for my thinking to clear....
for a while, after I stopped gambling, it took every bit of effort to get back to doing what HAD to be RESPONSIBILITES....

working...housework...errands....all of those things were (sometimes still are) so hard to do.

but there's more to life than that.

more than just 'filling our days' with something to do.

more than just finding OTHER things to do in order to not gamble.

yeah...we DO need to find other things to fill our time with...hobbies...rebuilding relationships... boredom can be dangerous.

but there's more to it than that.

I don't want to not gamble so that I won't be in debt and constantly worried about money.

I want to know that I have what I NEED....and even be able to have FUN do REAL things with...

For instance...last week I found a really neat's a pumpkin cake...reminds me of one my mom used to make....I ordered and had them shipped to my nieces and nephew as a Halloween gift.

They were THRILLED!

so was I :)

I don't want to not gamble so that I don't suffer those highs and lows...and come home in a panic trying to hurry up and accomplish what I should have been doing all day long.

I don't want to not gamble so that I can sit through a family a holiday know.

Now that I am no longer gambling...

My life cannot be about not gambling.

My life has to be about...what I DO want.

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