Tuesday, September 16, 2008

When I went crazy...

My husband and I rarely discuss any of this.

From time to time..he may worry that I'm not OK...that I may be 'triggered' and he'll ask me if I'm alright.

If I *AM* alright, I'll just laugh about it....about the fact that when I'm gambling he really doesn't notice...and when I'm FINE he thinks I'm gambling???

and if I'm NOT alright...if I'm gambling....and he asks if i'm alright....I'm overly sensitive about it.


if i'm on the pc and he asks what i'm doing...i'll say something like "I'm on one of my sites" and he knows what that means.

or I may say "I'm doing my stuff."

today we had to go to the bank.

on the way..he says....I have an account there that we need to add your name to while we're there.

you do?

'yes' he said 'I opened it when you went crazy'

when I went crazy.

well...I 'went crazy' long before he opened that account...he opened that account when he FOUND OUT I went crazy.

Nevertheless, I *DID* go crazy and he *DID* open the account.

So we were at the bank and the girl is having us sign papers, etc. and the computer screen is pointed in my direction...I am looking at the information....and I see...Date Account Opened 4/16/02

and I was thinking about him....having to open that account...what he must have been feeling..thinking...on 4/16/02.

and the difference now.
the difference in him,
in me,
in us....

I never thought we'd be ok again.
On 4/16/02 I thought that our marriage was ending....and that even if we stayed together...we would never be the same again....we'd never be happy again....with each other....or at least....he would never be..with me...

and here we were
sitting here together....
adding me to this account.

and all is well.

better than ever.

and I need to never 'go crazy' again.

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