Accountability

There's so much to say.

I've been without internet since Gustav hit...am at a neighbor's house at the moment. Hoping mine will be restored by tomorrow.

I had the pleasure of meeting three of my friends...that I'd come to know online...compulsive gamblers all....while I was in London.

That was amazing.

I don't have long....but want to share this --

when I was in London I passed a betting shop...and the thoughts...you know....'who would know?' 'what would it hurt?'

of course I KNEW what it would hurt....and I knew that *I* would know...but still....I toyed with the idea.

Isn't that amazing?
As smart as I am.
As much as I know.
As strong as I feel...as strong as my recovery is....
that....my brain could still 'go there'....even for a moment....

yeah, *I* would know.
and I would have to come HERE...and tell YOU.

I suppose I've taken on some responsibility...doing this...the blog.

I'm accountable....to you.

so thank you for that :)

but...there's something else, too.....

you know....I've been here before....nearly two years free...strong...good...yet I returned to the cycle...and it took me two years to break free again...

but recently....

I've watched that happen from the 'outside'.

I've watched a friend that is smart and who seemed 'unstoppable' (in recovery)....who... one day gambled.....no big deal....didn't get out of control....was ok.

my friend gambled again a few weeks later...again....in a more or less 'normal' fashion.

I was worried....momentum.....

it didn't take long for my friend to be 'hooked' again....desperate to stop, but unsure of how....not feeling strong enough....or even the DESIRE really....although my friend was in a great deal of pain due to gambling and KNEW so much...about it...about recovery.... was unable and unwilling to even try to break free.

Seeing it.
From this side.
The strength....the determination.....the happiness...

and then....one 'harmless' afternoon....

the desperation.


I want my life...
so...
thank you...
each one of you....for allowing me to be accountable in this way.

Back soon,
Love Peg