to REALLY quit....

Making the decision to quit...to REALLY quit...to just be done with it...is necessary for success.

For me...thinking that 'I might gamble at any time...under the right set of circumstances'...just wasn't the best way to go about it.

I am done.
I know that there is a voice in my head that may start speaking to me again....at a time when I am hurting or grieving....saying things like 'it doesn't matter...I deserve it...' blah blah blah
I know that could happen....but I must be absolute in the belief that I won't listen...I won't gamble.

I know the hell it will bring me to...and I know how difficult it was to break free....and if I ever FORGET what that hell was like....or how hard it was to stop....all I have to do is go to gamcare site and start reading some of the Newcomer Introductions. that brings it all back pretty quickly.

as a matter of fact....if i had a formal relapse plan...that would be one of the first things on my list to do if I began entertaining the idea of gambling.

I know it's not easy to decide to 'be done'....and I couldn't do it alone...I needed a lot of encouragement...and I needed an alternative to gambling.....for me...that was the chat room at safe harbor....I spent many hours a day there.

and when the chat room was empty...I would read and post at gamcare.

On more than one occasion people suggested that I had transferred my addiction from gambling to being online. I would not have argued that point....I just knew that...what I was spending my time doing online was learning how to help myself....learning about my addiction and how to overcome it......and even if spending all that time on my pc was bad for me...it was a helluva lot better than gambling....and if i didn't do this....i would likely be doing that.

turns out.....my time on the pc wasn't an addiction after all.....yes, it was excessive...but it was what i needed at the time....I never did DECIDE...'ok...too much time at the pc....i should try to do something else with my time'....it was not a conscious thing.....and it was slow....more and more...I was ok without it....and engaged myself more and more in my 'real' life.

i grew up.

The GA Combo book says that one of the characteristics of a compulsive gambler is immaturity.

I didn't relate to that for a long time....but in many ways I was immature.

Learning to be an adult...and to trust myself....like everything else, has been a 'process'.

none of this happens overnight.

but...none of this can happen at all.....if we continue to gamble.

and.....when i was gambling....i didn't care about any of this stuff anyway....

Relationships

Not that this has anything to do with gambling addiction, per se'.....

but several months ago we entered into family counselling.

My husband wasn't crazy about the idea of going, but we were fresh out of ideas about what to do with our boys.....and we weren't happy with the way things were going.

The boys HATE it and do not always cooperate as much as I'd like...but they're getting better... (the sooner we get 'fixed'...the sooner we can stop going!)

anyway

the very first visit, we were all very very angry with one another.

things at home were pretty bad and each one of us played a part in that.

before we left that night, each one of us were asked to identify SOMEthing that we could do that would make our family life better.
we did.
we each committed to try to do that thing.

and we did.

for a few days.

then things went right back to the way they were before that meeting.

each of us saw that others were not doing what THEY were supposed to do...so we stopped doing what WE were supposed to do.

so the next week, as we were leaving our meeting, it was suggested that each of us commit to doing our 'thing'...NO MATTER WHAT the others did.

even if no one else did what they were supposed to do...I was going to do MY part to make things better.

and it worked.

and

often...when I am with my individual counsellor and I relay stories of things that have happened around here.....it is obvious that my 'recovery' has affected the entire family...even tho none of them do or even KNOW anything about 'recovery' or the things that I am learning or doing...they don't have to....all I have to do is the things that *I* need to do.....and when *I* change...the people around me do also.

it's slow...gradual changes...

things I don't even really notice (sometimes until my counsellor points them out)....

it reminds me of a book that I read years ago that talked about the 'dance' of relationships....and how each of us has our 'part'...we dance the same dance...the same steps...over and over...but...if one of us suddenly starts changing up the steps...doing it a little differently...our partner has no choice but to react to that...they cannot keep doing the same old dance if we are doing it differently.

it's hard to do that sometimes....to decide to change....maybe...to treat someone better than we think we think they deserve.....it's easier to keep doing the same old thing...and insist that THEY change.....

easier maybe.....but in my house it hasn't proved very successful.

changing the way I think changes my experiences.
changing the way I behave......is changing everything.

Learn like a child

When I first found myself on the internet...researching this gambling addiction...I was a wreck.

at the same time...

I *THOUGHT* hmmmm I thought that I 'got' life.


I was convinced of many things.....and the things that I believed....it was the truth.


I was fairly certain there was no god.

I sort of wanted to believe there was one....it would be convenient to have an imaginary friend who loved me unconditionally and who was always with me....it would appear that people who believe in god have an easier time of it, even if there really is no god....

anyway...


I felt like life would always be the way it was at that moment....which was terrible.

and that's a strange thing to think....looking back....I mean....nothing ever stays the same....


but it's more than that...it's.....my view of the world....the way I look at everything.


once I started hanging around people in recovery......I heard comments from time to time that would peak my interest....


I remember someone saying "spirituality I like...religion...I don't care for"

I remember someone saying frequently "it's not good, not bad, it just is"

many sayings that I've heard all my life that didn't really make sense to me...I began to understand......

I began learning about forgiveness and anger and resentments
and fear and shame

I couldn't do this by myself.
I wouldn't have known where to begin.
I started spending time (mostly in online chat) with people who had been where I was (stuck in the addiction of compulsive gambling)...who understood the pain and the hopelessness that I was feeling...yet who had somehow come through it....and were better.

I listened and I listened and I listened.

I DID have to learn how to stop gambling...
but even bigger than that...I had to learn some things about LIFE that I hadn't yet discovered...that I likely would never have stumbled upon if I hadn't ended up in 'recovery'..... universal truths.

that it was a 'journey' began to make sense.

that this is my unique journey.....that others may teach and guide me...but ultimately, this journey, this life, is mine.

THAT is what this is about....it's about discovering who we really are.....understanding that our time here is short...and that ultimately, what we do with our time here is very much in our hands....and that how we THINK determines our experience.

i have learned that i must remain open to all possibilities....even the ones that rub me the wrong way or seem incredulous.

the most important thing that I've learned so far is that I really don't know very much after all.

Two types of Gamblers

They say that there are two types of compulsive gamblers...Action Gamblers...and Escape Gamblers.

There are some aspects of both of these 'types' that apply to me....but primarily, I gambled to escape.

Oh...it wasn't a conscious thing...I didn't say "I need to get away....I think I'll go to the casino".....

the thing was...sometimes i gambled...and I enjoyed it when I did.

but when I did....something happened to me.

Gambling was never much of a social thing for me....I didn't want to sit next to my husband, or a friend, and play a machine....I would wander off...alone...get my own spot...and start pressing the button pressing the button pressing the button.
and get into a zone.

even when I played 'action' games like Roulette or craps....it was just me and the game....I didn't see the other players...nothing....I was in a bubble.
time went away
everything else went away.

for a long time it was just something that I did from time to time
for fun

For me...gambling allowed me to escape, albeit temporarily, from grief, from responsibility, from the stress of daily life......any and all emotional pain.

I've heard of many people who used gambling to escape from physical pain as well.

but...it wasn't REALLY an escape.....it was a prison....

funny...I used gambling TO escape...yet...the most difficult thing I've ever done was escaping the hold that gambling had on me.

Can I Get Better? II

I was just browsing over some of my old entries in this blog when I came across Can I Get Better?

and I'm remembering....

how it was when I was trying to stop..... I would be determined to quit...I had enough....only to find myself driving to the casino or to some restaurant to play video poker...a day or so later.
then I'd swear I would stop....had to....

it seemed I'd never be able to.....and....on days when I did get through the urges without actually going....I was tortured.
I wanted to go so badly.
Denying myself this was so painful....and I knew that that would never change.
Not being able to gamble was going to be a problem for me, from now on.

and then I found G.A.......
and that sort of reinforced for me, that I was going to suffer forever...

when people said "there is no cure"....what I heard was "I am always going to want to gamble and I am always going to feel this way."

But... I don't and I don't.

I know that I will never be able to gamble like 'normal' people do.
so I gotta stay away.

but today....that isn't a problem for me.

Actually...I find it difficult to believe that I fit gambling into my schedule.

well...
i guess i didn't.
gambling WAS my schedule.
everything else suffered.


Life without gambling is not a bowl of cherries.....there are all sorts of problems and frustrations.
Every person that you know (and every person that you don't know) has them.
but.....now......I know that while *THIS* isn't perfect...it's a helluvalot better than hating myself and feeling like I want to die.

Today, I cannot conceive of a situation that would make me want to gamble.

I imagine it could happen someday....but....not today......

I am better.

I am much better.

I am good.

Tough Love in Recovery

I am sometimes perturbed by the hard-line approach that some people take towards others' recoveries.

For some reason I've been thinking about that recently...and remembering, back in 2002, at my first therapist appointment, when she said to me, something like "I will never reprimand you for a slip...or for anything that you might do...if you feel that is something that you need, I could recommend some other therapists."

It didn't really mean much to me at the time.I knew I DIDN'T need that....I am hard enough on myself.
I still see her regularly :)

anyway.....
often...when people are rebuked for giving 'tough love'....I hear them say that that is what THEY got and that it is what FINALLY helped THEM.
so....
even tho it may appear harsh to me (and it does)....I'm going to assume that those 'tough love' guys are attempting to pass on the gift that was freely given to them.

the problem (as I see it)...is that....while tough love may be exactly what some people need...it is NOT what ALL of us need....and can even be harmful to some of our recoveries.

I, too, tend to offer those still suffering, exactly what helped me (what else do I know to do??)...and those tough love guys will sometimes say 'you're not helping them like that blah blah blah'.

bottom line is....we ARE all different....our lives are different...our personalities differ...and it makes sense that our recoveries will also differ greatly.

today.....takin' what I need and leavin' the rest.

(((to all who still suffer))))

On dying...and living

I'm feeling younger than I have in a long time.

I shouldn't...since I'm older than I've ever been :)

My husband and I attended a memorial service for his uncle this weekend. He was 81.
It was an amazing service.
He lived an amazing life.

Not in a BIG way...I mean...you've never heard of him...but the people that he touched (and LOTS of folks showed up).....he made a difference their lives.

My Grammy died about six months ago....she was in her nineties....she helped to build (physically) the church building that her service was held in....and the 50 year old tree right outside the church window was a tree that she planted when she wasn't much younger than I am now.

My other Grandma will be 90 next week.

I was sitting in that service last weekend...thinking about that...about people that I've known...that have died...and the imprint (or lack of one) that they left.

I was thinking about how long many of us live now. Not all of us...but many.....Willard Scott announces quite a few centarians every week...and Willard receives more submissions than he can announce!!....that's a lot of people living past 100.

which started me thinking.....that....if *I* live that long....I haven't even lived half of my life!

and I get to live the second half as a much wiser woman. :)

55 more years (or so)?
that's a long time to be here.
a long time to do something.
to make a difference ....to do something important..
well...it's enough time to do LOTS of important things!!

I do wish I'd have taken better care of this body the first half tho---scary that it might have to last me another 55 years!

Now....to decide how to best spend that time......or...as Linda Ellis would say ' the dash'.

People are doing this!

I once thought this couldn't be done.

Not only did I think *I* could not do it (nor did I really WANT to).... I didn't think that ANYONE (like me) could stop.

at g.a. I met a handful of people who seemed to be, at one time, very much like me (stuck in my addiction....and in a helluva lot of pain).

so then I thought.....most people canNOT stop....but the few that have...have done so using g.a.

but as my horizons broaden, my position changes.

I thought NO ONE could do it because I wasn't exposed to anyone who had (well...I wasn't exposed to much of anything or anyone...I was spending all of my time gambling)...

then

once I was exposed to people who had broken free....it just so happened that those people were in the rooms of g.a.

makes sense really.....

but then....one day....I was paying off (finally) a payday loan that I had been renewing month after month....so I was sort of familiar with the man who worked there.....he knew that the loan was a secret from my husband (please don't ever call my house!)...but he probably thought it was from shopping (or something)....ANYWAY
this day...I am paying off the loan....he tells me to come back if I ever need another loan...I smile and tell him I won't be coming back. The loan was because of a gambling problem...and I'm not gambling anymore.

Really?
he says.

then he tells me his story.....alcohol.

how he drank every penny he had for years....his health was bad, his life was terrible...then one day, for the umpteenth time, he said, 'I have to stop this' and he did.

i drove away wondering....maybe he wasn't a REAL alcoholic? that he could just STOP that way....I know I couldn't quit gambling all by myself?

then....later.....a friend mentioned a book to me, entitled Sober for Good -- it told the stories of many people who had stopped (drinking)...using all sorts of methods....including just stopping.

and I started thinking...

if there are people out there who have stopped gambling without using ga....I just don't know them because....well...only because I don't know them.

it makes sense that if I'm going to g.a. ..... I'll find some successful people there....but if I'm not travelling in the same circles as those OTHER guys....how would I know?

that's unfortunate....step 12 of g.a.....carrying the message to the compulsive gambler who still suffers....that's a good thing.

i think....even those of us not working the 'steps'...need to do that.

once I found online groups...NOW I was someplace other than ga. where people were trying to stop...and guess what? NOW I knew people who were stopping without attending meetings!

my point is.....

if you have tried to stop on your own and have been unable....then find others who are doing what you desire to do......listen to what they have done.....find a way to make it happen for yourself.

they are out there.

Don’t go in or near gambling establishments

That's one of the things they say in the g.a. combo book.

Again, I had to figure out what worked for me.

'gambling establishment'

casinos.

as a rule, i stay away.

and for a long time....there was no way I would even consider walking through the door...for ANY reason.

but on a few occasions I have made exceptions.

I have attended a few concerts with my husband that required me to walk thru a casino....and a few times, with large groups of people, we went in to eat.....then there was that trip to Las Vegas last year.

So I do it....if i feel strong and if it's for good reason.
Also...I walk quickly LOL

There have also been many times I refuse to go.

There have been times I just didn't feel like it was a good idea to be there....or the reason wasn't good enough--the hot nightclub is in the local casino and for a girls' night out my friends wanted to go there---
so...I'd be drinking....and without my husband....I don't think so.

but these days....in MY city...gambling is EVERYWHERE....it isn't necessarily restricted to 'gambling establishments'.

every bar, most restaurants and even most coffee shops have video poker machines.

I realized early on, that if I was in a place that had machines....if I'd never played there, it was no problem for me at all...
but
if it was a place that I'd spent time gambling.....being there was (sometimes) uncomfortable.
the machines seemed to call to me.

so I avoided the places that fit that criteria.
if i'd ever gambled there before...I'd eat someplace else :)

it's about listening to my insides...being aware of what i'm thinking and feeling...and DOING whatever it is that I need to do to take care of me...to keep me safe.

Playing 'the game'

I want to talk some more about this.

I struggled with it afterwards.

A lot.

I could go through all of that here.....how I would never have played poker, or participated in a football pool, for instance EVEN THOUGH those were not my 'addiction of choice'......and blah blah blah

but that would sound like I'm trying to justify 'bad' behavior.

and that's just it.

it WASN'T bad behavior.
it wasn't a relapse.
it wasn't even a teeny tiny slip.

I was fine...and I knew it.

(although I was very aware that I was walking a thin line there... I am and will always be fragile when it comes to 'winning')...anyway

what I struggled with is...

I know that I did not, in any way, violate my recovery.
But I did violate 'their' rules.

so what to do about my 'last date gambled'?

I mean....

if I were to say that I changed my date to a few months ago, that implies failure.....

and I haven't.
I'm still on track....I did not even have a momentary lapse in judgement.

but if someone asks me 'when did you last gamble?' or 'when did you place your last bet?' that someone would be someone in recovery from gambling addiction....and THEY would mean 'by g.a. definition'....so if I were to answer 10 30 06...that would be a lie.

I don't lie any more.

But it's more complicated than that.

I already had two dates.

I freed myself from my addiction on 10-30-06...that was the last day I placed a bet...but I did not attend a g.a. meeting after that until 11-09-06.

G.A. requires that you use the date of your first meeting after gambling as your 'clean date'.

so...when I attended g.a. I used 11-09-06 as my date....knowing full well, that my REAL date was 10 30 06....and THAT is the date I used everywhere else.

10 30 06 is STILL my REAL 'clean' date...although....if and when I attend another g.a. meeting, I will have to change my date to whenever that is....

when I talked this through with my therapist, she smiled and said "your recovery has never been stronger."

and she's right.
and I know that.

My 'clean' date remains 10 30 06 for I have been 'sober' and 'free' from my addiction since that time.

If there WAS any bad judgement the night I decided to play that game....it was only that I didn't realize how important my clean date was to me....but given the situation...I am pretty sure I would've done it anyway....thinking....the 'date' is not REALLY important....it's my living my life....and that I'd deal with whatever hangups I had about my date later on.

so I am. :)

Knowing what's OK for ME

that wasn't something I could do for a long time.

cuz I didn't think so good for a while.

so...early on....I paid a lot of attention to what other people told me to do...people who were DOING what *I* wanted to DO....people who had broken free.

things like 'Don't test or tempt yourself'...don't go in or near gambling establishments.....'Don't associate with people who gamble'....'Don't gamble for ANYTHING'.

those things helped me a lot.

Well...even from the beginning I had to 'tweak' it to fit MY life.
'Don't associate with people who gamble' for instance...

my whole FAMILY gambles.
my best friend has been my best friend since we were three years old.....
sorry...I'm not gonna walk away from these people.

But I did have to learn what was OK for me....and how to take care of myself...for instance...

For a long time I couldn't even KNOW that any of these people were headed to the casino....it would drive me crazy....I wanted to be there too.

I learned to say "I don't wanna hear about that."

Everyone who loves me knows that I have a gambling problem....so if I say "I really don't wanna hear about that" they understand that it is some sort of problem for ME....it has nothing to do with THEM.

Three different people told me they won money over Mardi Gras (and I later learned that another friend won too....but was careful not to mention it to me).

There was a time when it would've bothered me......in which case I would simply have said "I don't wanna hear about this" or even (for the woman who had no idea I am cg) "I don't gamble any more. So what else have you done since you've been in town?"

* * * *

Then yesterday my husband and I met my brother and sister in law at a restaurant.
When we got there, my sister in law was killing time at the video poker machines.
I walked over to her...gave her a kiss on the cheek...a quick hello...then said...as I turned and walked away "I'll see you when you're finished...I can't be right here."

I didn't have the desire to play.
I just don't wanna be there...with it 'in my face'.

******

A few months ago my husband and I were at a dinner party.
The dinner party was being held by my future next door neighbors....along with a few couples from the neighborhood.
We had a great time....visiting....getting to know everyone....a wonderful dinner....then afterward...the hostess excused herself and came back with a stack of dollar bills....she asked one of the gentlemen for $6...then the next...then the next...and they all did as she asked.

Then she handed out the 'rules of the game' Left Right Center -to each of us.

My husband whispered to me "Are you ok with this?"

My mind was racing.
I wasn't really sure WHAT to do.

I knew that I wasn't in any sort of 'danger'.....playing this game was not an indulgence of my addiction.
however....
I have taken the 'ga stand' that a line has to be drawn somewhere....and my line has always been NO GAMBLING AT ALL...EVER.....
this game would violate ga's rule which states:

GAMBLING , for the compulsive gambler is defined as follows : Any betting or wagering, for self or others, whether for money or not, no matter how slight or insignificant, where the outcome is uncertain or depends upon chance or 'skill' constitutes gambling.

So my mind is racing....none of these people know me.
They don't know that I am c.g.

Of course, this would be the perfect time to share this bit of information.

But there was a bigger picture here...

It was obvious that a lot of preparation had gone into planning this evening....including playing this game...... printing the rules for each of us....getting that stack of $1 bills for the purpose of providing change....she was excited and trying to make sure we all had a great time.

So I could just blurt it out...that I don't gamble and don't wanna play.
This will embarrass the hostess....and would probably begin a debate as to whether or not this game was actually GAMBLING...it wasn't like playing poker after all....this was just a silly game.
If I decided not to play...there would be no game...my husband and I were sort of the 'guests of honor'...everyone was there to meet us....

I am hashing through all of this..... knowing that....while it violated my own personal rule.... it did not put me in any danger....and
after all.....wasn't all of this 'recovery' about being able to live my life?
and if I knew that I was not in any sort of danger....why was there even a question about what to do?

I told my husband that it was OK.

But I hated it....it was a fun game....everyone was laughing and talking...I just wanted it to end.
and it did.

and the rest of the night was good.

on the way home I told my husband that I needed to tell the hostess (and my future next door neighbor) that I am cg....and the sooner the better.

She and I have gone to lunch twice since then...but both times she invited other people that I didn't know and the opportunity did not present itself.

Two weeks ago there is another dinner party.
Same group.

We eat.
We are sitting around talking.
The hostess excuses herself and quietly gestures for me to join her.
I did.

We walk into the hallway where she whispers "I'd really like to play a game now, but not if it would cause you and your husband to leave. Would it be ok with you?"

I was sort of floored.
Did she know?
How could she know?

It turns out...she DIDN'T know that I am cg.....until I said it...which I did right then....
I told her that I love to play games but I have a gambling problem so I didn't want to play anything that involved money.

she said she had no idea that I was cg.....only that....she could tell by the look on my face how much I did NOT enjoy playing the game last time.

We went to the closet and selected the board game Taboo together.

* * * *

I was bothered by that episode for a few weeks.

I discussed it with a few people....close friends in recovery...my therapist....

what about my date?.....

what about discussing it on the blog? if I justify 'crossing that line' here....would that cause other people to justify it for themselves...perhaps putting them in danger?

it was a big deal....and I'm not through talking about it here :)

bottom line is..... I am very aware of what is and what is not OK for me and THAT is a line that I will not cross.