Monday, August 2, 2010

Life is so much better when we stop gambling.

"Life sure does get better when we stop gambling."

I hear that over and over again from people in recovery.

and they're right.

but does it mean that life is easy?
that we don't have problems?

sheezzz...i wish.

often...when we stop gambling our life is in shambles.
relationships are a mess.
finances are a mess.
mentally-- i was hanging by a thread.

Now, nearly four years on (can I possibly have done that?...not gambled for nearly four years?)... some of my relationships are great.
some are still a mess.

some of that isn't my doing....but things aren't good just the same.

my finances aren't so great, but it isn't due to bad behavior on my husband and I have been very responsible and got everything back in order....but things happen...unexpected expenses financially we are struggling BUT.... we ARE able to take care of these unexpected events...painful as it is.

No, life is not rosy -- but

is it supposed to be?

there've definately been times in my life when things were going pretty well...but that doesn't seem to be the norm...whether I'm gambling or not.

so while I still suffer from time to time with anxiety, depression, relationship and financial problems....

NONE of those problems are as severe as they were when I was gambling.
I am not sneaking and hiding and lying and full of guilt with that constant chatter in my head that doesn't allow me to rest...ever....

while I DO have problems, there are also moments when I am able to relax...and enjoy myself....times when I can put my problems aside and just BE.

I do that when I'm working...when I'm physically active....I forget about the b.s. and just DO what I'm DOING (gardening, cleaning, etc.)

I do it when I'm in good company...visiting with friends and family...laughing, talking...being in the moment.

I suffer (emotionally) when I am idle...alone...with time to worry.
but it's nothing like what was happening inside of me when i was gambling.
well...WHILE i was gambling I was fine.
it was AFTER gambling that the mind chatter started.

I wonder how many folks relapse because they are under the impression that if they stop gambling life will be wonderful.
wonder why anyone would think that...I wasn't wonderful BEFORE I started gambling.

Recovery, for me, includes learning to deal with life, whatever it throws at me.

and while life still isn't certainly is BETTER now that I'm not gambling..
at least I'm not ADDING to my problems by gambling....
and frankly....while I'm active...tho I BELIEVE that it is fun or that I love it and/or need it.... all gambling really does is add to my problems.

so yeah...even with all of the pain...Life is still better now that I'm not gambling.

1 comment:

Rock Bottom-Journey of a Compulsive Female Gambler said...

I know exactly what you mean about when idle time does the mind chatter. There are times when I have to really work at keeping myself busy when those cravings hit. Of course the mind chatter seeks ways to sneak out of the house and hit the local casino.