Thursday, June 5, 2014

Who are you?

There is no way we can start something new without getting rid of something old.

There are 24 hours in each of our days.

Every moment is filled with SOMETHING.... so if we're gonna start something new.... what will we stop doing?

And.... if we STOP doing something... what NEW THING will we fill that time with?

That's a big problem for many of us when we begin the process of stopping gambling.

Our routine is to spend quite a bit of time doing this thing... and now.... we are trying NOT to do this thing... but what to do with all of that time?

Everyone's circumstances are different, but often times, we have isolate ourselves for awhile... and/or have pissed people off....
AND... generally, when we begin the process of stopping gambling, we are broke (or beyond broke).  We don't usually stop until we must.

So that's tough.  We've got no money and we've got no friends.... and we're looking for something to do.

oh... plus... we feel like SHIT... because we're just waking up to the fact that we've made a mess of things.

and having no money and no friends and nothing to do will really make you want to gamble when you finally DO get your hands on a few bucks.


it's hard, I know.


I have an idea.

It may sound ridiculous, or boring at first... but hear me out.

My husband started on the project over a month ago... and *I* thought it was ridiculous and boring... although HE would sometimes get quite excited about it (I have seen others do this as well from time to time and have never understood it).... and then, one night, I decided to help him for a bit... and OMG... I was hooked.  (I'm obsessive, OK?  You should know that by now.)

I'll get all excited sometimes and share something with him... and he said the other day "Why is it that when *I* was doing this, it was silly... and now that YOU'RE doing it, it's cool?"


So yesterday morning I was thinking about this 'project' and how it's affecting me.  And it IS.
And that is surprising.

I feel more



no, not important.
well, sort of important.

but... connected.
sort of.

Lots of things really, but it's hard to put words to it (at least right now).

Lots of feelings that I really could've used when I was beginning to stop gambling.  Anytime really, but particularly then.

But.... when you sit down to do it... it is interesting and challenging and rewarding and it takes TIME.

AND... if you have funds, you can do it better.... but without money, you can still do it.... AND... you just might be able to rekindle some of your relationships in the process.

We are tracing our family tree.  Genealogy.  Ancestry.

If you can go back to 1940 or so (manually)... you can find stuff on the internet prior to that.

Well, depending on the people, you can find all sorts of things at any given time... and some people... almost nothing (or nothing at all).

I've traveled down a few wrong paths... and right now I'm questioning one that I can only get answered through a family member (and there's only one family member left who can help me).

Some of my ancestors are actually documented in books... founders of this country.
Some fought the Indians.
They fought on both sides of the civil war.
Some were very poor.
Some owned slaves.
Quite a bit of secrecy.... young women going off to different states to deliver babies that they gave up for adoption.
A divorcee' that called herself a widow on the following census.
A widow who was so hurt (and/or angry) by the way she was treated by her in-laws after her husbands death, she changed the way she spelled her last name (dropped the silent E at the end) to symbolically remove herself from their family.

When I'm researching... I pick a person and I start to dig.
Sometimes I come up blank, sometimes I learn TONS of things (especially if someone else on the web has already researched this person and made their info public).

I like it when a person has lots of info available.  Photos.  Stories.

It doesn't really mean they lived a more important life than someone who isn't well documented.  It only means... that someone who knew them still had their info and for whatever reason has taken the time to gather it (umm... in some cases now, that person is ME)... and put it on a public family tree.

There are some really awesome people on my tree that I can't find ANYTHING on.

Their lives were no less amazing than some of the well documented lives here.... but their 'block on the tree' would make it seem so.

Every one of them matter.
Without them I wouldn't be here.
Maybe our country wouldn't be here...
But surely I wouldn't... my children wouldn't.

Pluck one of these people out of the picture and how would the world be different?

Maybe.... it gives me the same sort of feeling I get when I stand at the shore, feet in the sand, looking out over water that seems to go on forever.....

Like I'm very small and insignificant.... and very big and important at the same time.


Anonymous said...

certainly like your website but you have to test the spelling on several of your posts.
Several of them are rife with spelling problems and I to find it
very troublesome to tell the truth on the other hand I will surely
come back again.

Look at my page: how to quit cold turkey

Still thinking said...

Hi Peg,

Something drew me to your blog again today and I was delighted to read that you are researching family history. So am I but I came about it via a different route. It is tremendously meaningful to me as well.

When I first read your blog years ago now I was unable to completely absorb some of the discoveries you had made about neuroscience and gambling and I came back to look at those. I am one of about 200 Australians who are in the process of settling a class action relating to the impact of medically prescribed dopamine agonists on later development of a gambling addiction. At least, my part of the class action has finished and I have some peace about it all now and some funds to help provide for the future.

Your honesty about your own experience and the way you have reflected on it and discovered information and meaning has been so helpful to me.

This is an interesting article published in Scientific American in October 2013 which supports what you said earlier in this blog.

I hope you keep on writing, Peg. I have not noticed any spelling mistakes by the way. :). My brain tends to jump words so I have to be careful as well.

The neurological damage from gambling can be so acute. We need help to stop but also to STAY happily free. That is where the challenge now lies. Different type of help are available. We need to make sure that people know about these.

I am happy and free now, by the way, and bless you :)

Peg said...

Anonymous... it's actually typing errors. I happen to be a pretty good speller, but my fingers don't always work so good.

But yes, I should spell-check. I shall try to remember.

Thanks :)

Peg said...

And to you, quiet.... Fascinating link... I'm going to share it in a blog post now.

Thank you so much for sharing that... and congratulations on your freedom!


Unknown said...

Hi guys is there hope for me .

Unknown said...

I would really like to get over this .