Just how does one learn to respect money?

The g.a. combo book says “A desire to have all the good things in life without any great effort on their part seems the common character pattern of problem gamblers.”

I’m not sure about the ‘without any great effort’ part….for me anyway…I have always been a hard worker…

But

I had a desire to have all of the good things in life…regardless of whether or not I could afford them…and I BOUGHT them…regardless of whether or not I could afford them.

I lived on credit.

I’m not just talking about my gambling…this began long before I ever started gambling…this was just how I lived.

I worked…I worked hard…so when I wanted something….I would justify it by saying just that…I worked hard, so I deserved it.

Plus…

I was always sure that it’d be EASY to pay for ‘this’ or ‘that’…at some later date.

I bought an expensive fur coat when I was 19 years old.

There was a ‘special’…an interest free thing..with minimal monthly payments. I could easily afford it.

It didn’t matter that I live in the South…where it is rarely cold enough to wear a fur. I WANTED it. Period.

But….I also wanted shoes and clothes and purses and vacations…each of those things were easily justified….because the monthly payment for any particular item would be easily manageable.

But accumulated…

All of those SMALL payments….were a large amount of money.

I did not begin to appreciate money until I was forced to begin living within my means.

When I ended up in credit card debt in my twenties…I thought I was doing that by using a credit card that had to be paid off each month…but I wasn’t really….I was still putting off payment…and rationalizing buying things that I couldn’t afford..and sometimes could not pay for once the bill arrived.

The way (for me) to learn to appreciate money….was to learn to USE it.

No credit.

None.

Cash.

If I don’t have cash…I do without.

No rationalizing….no ‘planning’ how and when I will pay for this or that.
Of course…big purchases, like a home and a car must be financed.

Everything else….cash.

If I don’t have enough cash to pay for what I want or need….I must find a way to pay less for something…or cut something out.

Due to my gambling debt…this meant that I did without a LOT of things that I wanted for a long long time.

It meant…sometimes having to use old makeup that I’d tossed aside because it didn’t suit me…because I didn’t have the money to buy what I ordinarily use.

It meant…sometimes cooking hamburger helper instead of steak or roast.

It meant…buying generic instead of name brand goods.

It meant…using shampoo from the store rather than something my hairdresser sells.

It meant….not going to the hairdresser when I needed to.

It meant…no new clothes or shoes or purses.

It meant…being uncomfortable sometimes…because adjusting the thermostat was too costly.

It also meant…watching my husband and my children do without.

It meant….preparing sandwiches or leftovers for my husband to take to work for lunch…because he could no longer afford to go out with the guys for a meal.

It meant…no movie theaters or MacDonald’s Happy Meals…or new toys.

We did without for a long long time.

And now…..

Now that we COULD have credit cards again….

It means not doing so.

It means ….any money that I spend on THIS means LESS money to spend on THAT.

It means…not buying whatever I want….with intentions of paying for it at some later date.

I didn’t learn to respect money…until I stopped behaving like I have an unlimited supply of it.

My story - confessing

My Story - the beginning is here...

The progression is here.


That day….

The weeks leading up to that day---

For a long time I was hiding things…MAIL for instance…



I guess I must’ve known that at some point it was all going to come out…


but…I’m not sure I really DID know that….it’s like…I didn’t WANT to know it…so I just didn’t.


But..those final weeks…leading up to that day…

I was beginning to understand that it was over….there was no more money…there was no more credit….and the very next time I had to come up with cash, I wasn’t going to be able to….or if he wanted to buy something on credit….a credit check would reveal everything.

I knew that it was coming……

I just didn’t know when it would happen….

it could be any day…

What was going to happen once he found out?

I’d probably have to leave my home.

He would hate me.

Who could blame him?

Where would I go?

Would I have my car? Doubtful.

I had started working part time a few years prior…so that was good.

But….all of the debt…there was no way I’d ever be able to pay it off.

Everyone was going to know….what I’d done…

I wouldn’t have my kids.

He worked so hard……he didn’t deserve this…..

None of them did.

I had a girlfriend….I could stay at her house…for a few weeks anyway. I talked to her about it.

I was losing everything I cared about.

The people I loved were going to suffer…a great deal, for a long time…maybe always.

Everything was messed up….beyond repair.

The only good thing…was that….I would be able to gamble…there would be no restrictions on my time….if I wasn’t living at home…I would have complete freedom to gamble…anytime.

But….facing this…admitting it….how could I?

And….we would never be free of the debt…the only way that I could think of…to get that much money…would be my life insurance…if I were to die…there’d be enough money to pay for what I’d done.

But how to do it?

To die.

I didn’t want to make a mess.

Maybe hanging.

But
I couldn’t allow my children to find me.

Maybe…I could call a friend….ask her to come over…then leave the door unlocked…

What if she didn’t come in when I didn’t answer?

And...if she DID.....Could I do that to HER?

And…even if my family didn’t FIND me….it would still be so painful for them…that I’d do that….

When the mail started coming in….he’d understand.

Maybe this wasn’t the way….maybe….if it looked like an accident….maybe in the car?....but what if I had an accident…and failed to die?

And....if I DID die....Could I do this to my children?

After all…
If my mom were still alive, I would likely not be in this mess….

If I were to abandon them,

and that is what I would be doing…what would become of them?

It was not a calm, rational decision…I was half-crazed…I was full of anxiety and really NOTHING was making sense…I had no idea what was going to happen…all I knew was that…my mother’s death had screwed me up….and I was 32 years old..and she died against her will….

I had two young boys and my dying was not an option.

So on April 15, 2002….when he called to tell me how much we had to pay in taxes…I didn’t have the money…or any way to get it.


I told him we didn't have it.

He didn’t understand.
He said I’ll call you back.

He did….he said…..’how much is our house payment? Utilities? The cars?’

I said…’just come home and we’ll figure it out’

He said ok.

The he called me back ‘how much is this? and what do we pay for that?’

It didn’t make sense…we should’ve had the money and he knew it.

'Just come home.' I said.

I started typing a letter…I could not speak the words.

I told him that I had a gambling problem…and about our debt….everything.

While he was driving home, I picked up our boys….they knew immediately that something was wrong…I wonder what I looked like that day….I was so scared….I took them to a friends house…I didn’t know what was going to happen at home…and I didn’t want them to see it.

I went home…to find him reading the note that I’d left for him.

‘Do you want me to leave?’ I asked.

He said no….

He was so confused.

And hurt.

And……we had only a few hours to mail the check….he called his brother to come get him….his brother loaned him the money.

I have never felt more embarrassed...and...scared, ashamed and alone….and hopeless.

The story continues......here

Recovery is Amazing

He woke me at 2 am.

Said he had a headache.

I gave him two Tylenol and he went back to bed.

He woke up starving…I cooked him a big breakfast.

Then…. he didn’t want to go to school. Said he felt sick.

He’s failing French class and there’s only a few weeks left to school. He cannot afford to miss.

Plus….he and his father and I have an appointment with his guidance counselor today….he needs to be there.

Plus…he has feigned ill before.

I made him get dressed.

He got sick in the car.

Several times.

And THIS…is where recovery is amazing.

My morning….from this point forward….it could’ve gone…it’ could’ve gone really badly.

I clearly recall the day that I decided I would not have children…and I stuck by that decision for nearly twenty years…I did NOT want kiddos.

I was six.

I was sick…lying in bed…watching my mother clean up my vomit. I would never do it…no how, no way….not me.

And here I am…on the interstate…no way to pull over…he is throwing up….new car…leather seats….and I am saying…

“it’s ok baby…it’s ok….I’m so sorry…it’s ok”

I was sorry…that we were in the car…that he wasn’t at home…in his bed.

LOL

He was FURIOUS at me…that he wasn’t at home…in his bed.

Another opportunity for things to go badly….

We turn around…to go home….

He gets sick again.

“it’s ok baby”

We walk into the house…

He gets sick again.

It is all over the car.
It is all over the hallway.
It is all over him.

I don’t even know where to begin….

But I did it…

Took care of him…
Took care of the car…
Took care of the hallway.

Delivered the car…to be detailed – and thankful I could afford to do that…it’s important.

I was able…today….to take care of the things that were important….Number one..being my CHILD.

And…not only was I able to remain calm…and OK..all morning.

I don’t feel guilty.

I didn’t beat myself up..for not believing he was really sick….or…for making him go to school anyway.

This wasn’t about me.

This day isn’t about me at all.

It’s about him.

And I’m here…for him.

All is well.

And all is well.

And all that is....

Is well.

My story - the progression

My Story - the beginning is here...

Where was I?

Oh yes….it progressed….

I went from an occasional day at the casino alone…and going with friends or family occasionally, on holidays and such…to once a week…and eventually daily.

When I could, I’d get to the casino as soon as the family was at work and school and I’d stay until I had to pick up the boys.

They attended after school care every day.
They had a stay-at-home mom and they attended after school care every day.
I told myself (and everyone else) that they LOVED going…so they could play with their friends.
And that’s true…they DID enjoy going…but I don’t think they wanted to stay for several hours…
Every day.
And…I KNOW…that they didn’t enjoy frequently being the last children to be picked up….
Sometimes…late….once after school care was officially OVER.

On those days, they’d be standing outside….two little guys, holding their school bags….with the after school care lady, likely grilling them “where IS your Mommy?”

Then…when their Mommy DID show up…she wasn’t this calm, cool, collected picture of LOVE….she was this frantic frazzled woman….whose husband would be home shortly and no dinner was cooking…breakfast dishes were likely still on the table…maybe there was no groceries at home to cook….she’d have to drag those two tired, hungry, upset little guys to the store to buy something to cook…they’d complain, she’d bitch.

And….she probably didn’t have any CASH on her person to buy those groceries with….what card was OK to use? Did that payment make it yet to the credit card company I wonder?...Am I over the limit?

There was no peace in this home….I didn’t even know it.

* *

Sometimes I didn’t have the whole day to gamble…I’d have an appointment or plans with friends, so I’d go to one of the dozen places near the house to play video poker…but those places didn’t open early in the morning…

I played often enough that most of the employees ‘knew’ me…and would unlock the front door to let me in to play while they were preparing to open.

I was usually late for whatever appointments or plans I had, cuz I couldn’t leave….and sometimes I just didn’t make it at all.

* *

On the weekends…when the family was home..I was always trying to think of SOME way to get out of the house….a run to the grocery or the drug store….or this errand or that…if the boys wanted to take a ride with me I’d make up some excuse…

Then I’d be gone far too long…and lie….

And I’d be stuck at home…trying to think of another reason…another excuse, to leave again.

I was spending so much money….all of our savings….then credit card advances….new credit card offers were always coming in and I’d open up a new account…some of our limits were extremely high.

I maxed out everything.

I went to Vegas a few times….once with a girlfriend – we were there for several days….I slept three hours, I think…ate three meals….only stopping when she’d beg me…she’d get the shakes from not eating…we’d take a break…a short one…then back at the machines.

I was so sick on that plane ride home..exhausted, dehydrated.

We had so much fun!

Huh???

For a few years Vegas was geared toward families..theme parks, etc….the extended family went…with kids…I was FURIOUS….Vegas was MY time…*I* didn’t want to be doing KID stuff when I was in Vegas!

Everyone else did.
They did the water parks….animal parks….them parks….circus circus…
I was pushing the button pushing the button pushing the button pushing the button.

I could go on and on.
But I won’t.


I didn’t do some big, bad, terrible thing….I didn’t embezzle money (from anyone other than my family and friends)…I didn’t get arrested….I didn’t leave my children alone for hours at a time.

I did tons of little things….tons…I neglected everything and everyone in my life… I abused people who love me....people that I love.

On April 15th (tax day) my husband calls to tell me how much I need to write a check for…

It was a lot of money.
We didn’t have it.

We SHOULD have had it.
We didn’t.

This had happened before..but now….there was no more money.
There was no more credit.

There was nothing more I could do.
I had to fess up.

More of my story here.

My story --- how it began

My mother was diagnosed with stomach cancer when she was 45 years old.
She never smoked and rarely drank.

I was 25 years old and was engage to be married..for the second time. I had no children.

My mother was an amazing woman – her love for children…well…she had a gift..for relating to them.

I couldn’t imaging bearing children that she wouldn’t know.

We became pregnant with our first shortly after the wedding.

She was so sick…but she had to fight…she wanted to know this baby. She did.
Now, she decided…she wanted him to REMEMBER her….she needed just a few more years.

Ten months later I was pregnant again.

Another reason for her to hang on. She did.

She adored those boys…she became sicker and sicker…but she fought…she wasn’t ready.

She died on May 10, 1996 at the age of 52. The boys were two and three years old.

I moved into her home a few weeks prior…to help my stepfather care for her. It was the most fulfilling thing I’d ever done….help someone to die…help HER to die…my Mom.

Before she died…I imagined what it would be like…she would close her eyes…her breathing would slow…then cease….it would be peaceful…beautiful….ok.

That’s not how it was.

A day or two before she died she lost the ability to talk…I’m not even sure she was conscious but she was in a tremendous amount of pain and would cry out and groan in her sleep.

She was having a seizure just before she died. It was so difficult to watch.

For months afterward, that’s all I could see…when I thought of her…I couldn’t picture her when she was young and beautiful and healthy…or even frail, playing with her grandsons…all I could see was the end….in that bed…the pain.

I missed her terribly.

A year before her death I’d quit my job. My husband was successful and we could afford it. The children went to a pre-school program and I spent most of my time with her. He traveled a lot. I was often alone with the children.

That year with her was a blessing…she was always in pain but she hid it well…she wasn’t finished living.

We’d sometimes shop…go to lunch…take the boys to the zoo…

she and i took a trip to vegas. I had a gambling problem way back then, but i only gambled when i was in vegas....i didn't do anything locally....and i rarely went to Vegas...sooooo while i DID gamble compulsively...i rarely gambled...so...it wasn't really a problem in my LIFE.

BUT...that trip, when I was with my mom

one night, she said that she wasn't feeling well and was going to go up to the room. I offered to go with her but she said no.
I stayed downstairs and played until the wee hours of the morning.

next day she was feeling a little better.

later...months and months later, she told me that she went up to the room and cried and cried, she thought that she was having a heart attack...she hurt sooooo bad.

i can't believe i wasn't with her.


After her death my stress level was very high. It was my nature by then….I had become high-strung while climbing the corporate ladder…then…dealing with my mother’s illness…and now…I was raising the children…without her guidance…and a great deal of the time…without my husband.

after my mom died,...I would sometimes go to the casino alone...i had lots of free time...sometimes i'd go to the casino all day long.

I didn’t go very often, but when I did I’d spend a lot of money…and I’d have a hard time leaving.

I remember telling my husband, very early on, that I had a gambling problem….that…once I GOT there I had a problem (controlling myself) but…since I didn’t GO very often…it didn’t cause a problem in my LIFE.

I didn’t know it was progressive.
I didn’t know that an obsession would develop that would mean I’d end up GOING more and more often…that gambling would eventually take over all of my time…that when I wasn’t gambling I’d be THINKING about gambling.

I didn’t know.
In me, it developed slowly….sort of like gaining weight….you look in the mirror every day and we don’t really see that we’ve put on a quarter of a pound here and an eighth of a pound there..but ONE day…we try to slip into those jeans…and cannot zip them without laying on the bed and sucking it in.

Continued……here.

My relationship with money

In an email to a friend today…I mentioned the fact that my relationship with money has never been healthy.

When I was in my twenties I ended up in a great deal of credit card debt due to excessive shopping.

Or…maybe it was excessive WANTING.

Never having enough…always needing more….well..that’s an entry for another day.

Today…I want to talk about money.

When I was a young girl, we always had enough.

I usually (tho not always) got what I wanted for birthdays and Christmas…we weren’t wealthy but we did ok.

My parents split up when I was a teenager…my mother had to rejoin the work force. She took a minimum wage job at a department store. My father contributed almost nothing, financially…and..we were poor.

We got by.

We never went without a meal, although I can recall looking under sofa cushions for change in order to buy groceries.

I knew then, that I would never depend on a man financially…and that I would not struggle….I was going to be able to take care of myself.

And that’s what I did.

But it really didn’t matter how much money I made…it was never enough.
I didn’t manage it wisely…I couldn’t save anything…I always WANTED things….

And patience is not one of my virtues….if I want it, I want it now…so I’d buy it…and worry about paying for it later.

I was often paying for things long after they’d been discarded..

I ended up getting in over my head with credit cards…and I couldn’t bear to open the delinquency letters…the overdraft notices, the collection agencies….so I turned to Mom.

She didn’t bail me out financially (much)…but I’d turn over my paycheck to her and she’d handle payments…making arrangements for better terms, etc.

Then I had one card.

An American Express.

It had to be paid in full every month.

On the day the statement would arrive…I would never know…wouldn’t have ANY idea..what the total would be….during the month, when I wanted things, I bought them. Period.

Sometimes the bill would be $300 – sometimes it’d be $1600…..and…I never had any idea what it would be…there was always a great deal of stress when that envelope arrived in the mailbox.

When I married, I was put on a budget (ugh!)…and I often exceeded it…and my husband would fuss a little…then ‘clear the slate’..I’d promise to do better.

Eventually, he turned over the finances to me.

A move I’m sure he regrets…and questions…what was he THINKING???

My spending really got out of control.

I had access to more money than I’d ever had…I was MAKING more money than I ever had….there were so many ways to justify whatever I wanted to do financially…and I did.

I shopped like a mad woman.

Until I started gambling.

When I first started gambling….I would reason ‘if I hadn’t just gambled that money away, I would’ve blown it shopping’…of course, my shopping didn’t stop altogether..that would’ve been SUSPICIOUS (I was gambling in secret)…in an effort to appear like everything was NORMAL..I was STILL spending outrageous amounts of money.

But it was different….now I felt GUILT when I would shop.

Funny….I could drop a few hundred dollars at the casino and find a way to make that seem OK..but buying myself a nice outfit felt dirty?
Felt..extravagant and unnecessary.

I would spend hundreds at the casino, then, at the grocery store…HOW MUCH for a can of corn???? I'd spend time comparing prices…this brand versus that….which is the better bargain? All in an effort to safe a few cents. HUH?

Yet…other times…I had no problem at all wasting money….knowing that…I would simply blow it at the casino anyway.

I’ve always found ways to justify whatever it was that I wanted to do….and worry about the consequences later.

But this…this gambling thing…I’m sure that my lack of respect for money contributed to this…but this became something much much bigger than money.

Much bigger.

Learning to respect money…is one of the things that is necessary to remain free of this addiction….AND…for me to live a satisfying life.

See Just How does one learn to respect money?

A few rough days

I started to write...about these past few days...about how... there's no particular reason for it...I just started feeling (ok..bear with me...I struggle with words for feelings)... alone, disconnected and inadequate.

Then....I start looking at myself..seeing things I don't like...and I start feeling ?embarrassed??

silly stuff really..but it doesn't FEEL silly.

anyway....my tendency is to withdraw..although I didn't withdraw completely...I have people..friends that I talk to...voices of sanity....

withdrawing completely...particularly when my thinking begins to go sideways, can be dangerous.

I think it'd be pretty easy to get back to a dark place without that...without people that I can talk to...to keep me from it.

I truly cannot do this alone.

And I've said it before....even if I could...why would I want to?

Anyway...I was saying...I started to write about it...then...I realized something...and I looked..and yes..sure enough...the day that I stopped writing was April 15.

April 15, 2002 was the day the sh*t hit the fan at my house...when my husband first discovered what I'd been doing..what I'd done..and how bad our finances..how bad EVERYTHING was.

I don't know if it's significant...I *DID* mention it to a friend...the 'anniversary' of hell-day...so I was aware of it.

who knows?

but

even my worst days now are better than my best days when I was in the cycle.

Looking back....

one day....more than likely,

you will be lying in a bed...preparing to die....

looking back over your life...

what would you like to see?


do that.

A self-imposed Hiatus

Hi,

I'm having one of those days.....I'm going to pass on writing tonight.


Here's a 'rerun' of The depths of my misery were fathomless.

Have a good night.

Love,
Peg

The most important people

I got an email the other day…from a friend…a compulsive gambler who freed himself from his own personal hell three years ago this week!

In this email…he is catching me up on his life…and says that he is ‘being responsible…with the important people….those who would sit with him if he were sick.’

Pretty powerful statement.

On a side note....
I am angry right now…..having some issues with someone that I love….not in my immediate family…but….it hit me…a few moments ago…that she is one of those people….she would be there for me….if I were sick.

A childhood friend called me last week…her husband has cancer. He will have chemo for the next eight months…she said….that caring for him is like taking care of someone with the flu….constantly trying to comfort…only…knowing it won’t be over in a few days or even a few weeks.

I have cared for a few people….my mother, my father in law…my husbands grandmother…helped them to die….

It was wonderful and terrible.

Mostly wonderful.

But I wouldn’t have known that….I wouldn’t have done that….had I not loved them.

I was at a party Saturday night and I met this woman….she was fabulous….and she talked of caring for her friend ‘Marie’…Marie had Alzheimer’s..and came to live with her because Marie’s son was unwilling or unable to care for her himself….and was going to put her into a home.

Marie was 90 years old when she came to live with this woman…and she died at 94.

How beautiful, I said…..that you cared for your friend…it must’ve been difficult.

In some ways it was, she said…but (and she smiled) I loved her very much.

And…I volunteer…in a nursing home…I visit a hospice patient…a woman in her 80’s who has dementia….and I can tell you….

Even when you don’t know who you are…..you know where you do not want to be…and no one in those places….even in the best of those places….wants to be there.

We want to be with people who LOVE us…people who care.

We NEED to be with people who LOVE us.

Some of us…know who those people are…the people who would sit with us if we were ill….who would care for us…if we were dying.

For most of us..those people are family.

But

It doesn’t have to be……

Everyone that we love…that loves us….is not RELATED to us….
If I were to fall ill today…the people who would care for me..were strangers to me 20 years ago…..

And…..if we don’t have these people in our lives…people that love us this much….or people that WE love…enough to do this for them…..

It seems to me..that we are neglecting…the most important things.

Be loveable.

Love.

Hooking up

If you've been unable to break free...a 'partner' can be useful.

The first time that I stopped gambling...and that was so so so so hard for me....I had an 'accountability partner' --- it was my sister in law.

She is not a compulsive gambler and doesn't really 'get' any of this...but

she understood that, as ridiculous as it seemed to her....I was struggling....and we didn't really talk about the ins and outs of this...or...about ANY of the feelings around it really...but every day, I'd call her...and tell her....today is day 2, day 8, day 34.....

she didn't 'get' it...but...it served it's purpose.

If i gambled...i'd either have to LIE to her (and...I was trying really really hard not to lie any more)...or I'd have to try to explain it to her...which would be impossible....how could I explain it if I don't understand it myself?

sooooo

when I wanted to gamble....I would KNOW that I couldn't....because I had to make that damn call...but....I would just focus on RIGHT now....just don't gamble RIGHT NOW....get thru this ONE day so I could make this ONE phone call.

that worked for me then.

this time....was different.

I didn't really need to be ACCOUNTABLE, per se'...but.....I needed to stay GROUNDED.

This time....every morning...before I'd leave the house, I'd go into safe harbor chat room...talk for a few minutes.....to whomever happened to be there....some of the regulars...or maybe a new person would come in...in pain....and...when I walked out my front door a short time later...I was focused...on where I didn't want to be...as well as where i DID want to go.

and...I looked forward to 'chatting' there at the end of my day as well...and every spare moment in between for that matter.....

I was 'connecting'...LEARNING about this addiction...and talking to other people about...what they KNEW....what they'd DONE....and....it was also a place that I could talk about how I FELT.

How I felt..about whatEVER I was feeling...

about....gambling...or NOT gambling...or about...my work issues, or family problems...or even...WONDERFUL things that were happening to me...

I had a place to go....where....where I could talk about whatever I needed to talk about...or wanted to talk about...and...

in some ways...I was more free than I ever had been....it was the internet...I didn't have to SPEAK this stuff...typing is much easier for me.....PLUS...there's the anonymity factor.... that added a whole new level of freedom.

but then...I started making real FRIENDS online......so that....I still have the advantage of not having to LOOK at someone....and SAY things... I have the ability to hide behind my type when I need to
yet
I also have...deep, meaningful relationships...with people who understand me... well LOL...maybe they don't understand me....but they KNOW me....

Pain....it's back to that again.

Not only the pain of the past....I don't deal with that daily....I don't deal with it often...as a matter of fact...I just go along with life....attempting to be joyful each day....
but sometimes....things happen....that interrupt my joy...and when it does...I deal with it...right then....sometimes those things are occuring in the present....and sometimes...they reopen old wounds...whatEVER it is..whatEVER I need to deal with....I do.

I cannot do it alone.

Passion

Here we are.....living our lives.

Is this..what you thought it would be like?

Your life?

Is this..what you WANT it to be like?

So often...we are unhappy with our current situation, but we think...we can't change it....

or...we decide that we cannot be happy unless we have this or that...or this person loves us...blah blah blah

at some point

and right now is as good a time as any

we have to say....'this is my life'

MY
ME

and take responsibility for it.

nobody else is gonna do it.

nobody else CAN do it.

if we are gonna be happy..the first thing that we have to do is DECIDE to be happy.

then....figure out what MAKES us happy...not what we NEED...or what has to change...or what we WISH could happen to or for us..but

what can we do?

what can *I* do....that is satisfying?

I asked of someone recently......'what are you passionate about?'....and then...that person asked me.

it was an eye opener.

I mean....I'm pretty happy these days.....but

what am I PASSIONATE about?

and.....if I don't know what it is...that I am passionate about....

how can I possibly think that I would be DOING it????

My first g.a. meeting

I was thinking today...remembering my very first g.a. meeting....
my sis-in-law lived out of town and anytime that she'd come in for a visit, she and i would pull an all-nighter at the casino the night before she left...well this particular time..when we both had run out of money, we took a cash advance on our credit cards...

i pretended like i hadn't done it before..

she was very nervous about it (and i pretended to be) anyway...

we blew that and I STILL didn't want to quit.

she did.

we left.

that afternoon...she had caught her plane, my husband was at work and kids were at school, I attended my very first g.a. meeting.

maybe it was in 1999??

anyway...i cried the entire meeting.

sobbed.

i really didn't want to stop gambling.

I wanted gambling to stop hurting me.

I was hoping that when I attended the meeting, they would teach me how to control my gambling...

or that I could take a break for a few months....catch up on some bills.

or...that somehow at g.a....I could get a loan.

At that time...I had blown all of our savings (A LOT) and owed many thousands of dollars to credit cards.


I knew that I could never be happy again. I had done too much damage. I could not be forgiven..


what I had done could not be undone and it was not OK.


No one would understand.

*I* didn't even understand.

I cried and cried.


There were only a handfull of people in that room and no one else was crying...


the woman who was running the meeting had about 6 or 7 months clean, i think, and she seemed so HAPPY.


I shared with them that my husband didn't know and they all 'encouraged' me to tell him.


right.


they're friggin out of their minds!!!


They don't know MY husband!!!


They don't know HOW MUCH MONEY!!!


then..happy lady is telling me that her husband almost left her, but everything was FINE between them now...look (she raises her hand to show me an emerald and diamond ring) she says 'he just gave me this..to show me how much he loves me'.

It was ridiculous.

All of those people were ridiculous.

They did that..."Hi, I'm _____ and I'm a compulsive gambler" every time they spoke...we all held hands at the end of the meeting and said the serenity prayer together. Corny.

The ring..good for her...never happen for me...

I would never get another ring...another ANYTHING...life was over....he would hate me....if and when he found out.


************


this disease tells us so many lies.


not only does it tell us lies to get us to gamble:


'it wont be so bad''
"i won't spend too much"
''i wont stay long''
"if i win, i will leave right away"



it tells us so many other lies:

"those cg's...i am not like them''
"no way i can ever be happy if i cannot gamble''
"i am stupid"
"i cannot fix what i have messed up"


so so so many more...


and the biggie..



'i can not be forgiven'


or...'I am not forgivABLE'


the thing is...no one can forgive me until i tell them what i've done...and..


the most important person that i need to forgive me....


is *me*


life is so good today.



love to all who read here.

you are not alone.

there is hope.

xoxo

Gambler's Anonymous is not for everyone....and as corny as I thought it was, and as put-off as I was about the God-stuff...there was some comfort in being there....I didn't agree with a lot of what they said...but...it felt good to be with people who UNDERSTOOD this....I was NOT ALONE...RELIEF...

If you haven't tried it....check it out...don't stay away based on anyone elses experience....

if you attend a meeting and you hate it...fine...but....if you have come to a point in your life where...the pain is so great....and you don't know what to do or where to turn.... give yourself the gift of attending...just one.

you deserve your life....do whatever you have to do...to have it.

H.A.L.T.

Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

In 12 step programs…they say this can be a trigger…being hungry, angry, lonely or tired.

I didn’t ever feel that it was true for me…except for maybe lonely…but

I worked late a few nights ago…ended up with only a few hours sleep…and the next day…I was…hmmm

I didn’t want to gamble….but my HEAD…it was…it was sort of LIKE the way I was back then…my thoughts were racing…I sort of was hmmm shaky? And RESTLESS…almost anxious.

I didn’t feel ‘triggered’.

I don’t know that being hungry, angry, lonely or tired really *IS* a trigger for me.

But…

I remember hearing, a long time ago…that…one is more readily able to recall information when one is in the same frame of mind as he was when he learned it.

In other words…if I learned the words to a song after having consumed a few drinks…I would be more likely to recall those words at a later date, after having a few drinks…than if I were sober.

I don’t know if that’s true…I’m not even sure where I heard it….but… I would think that…I would be much more likely to gamble…if I were triggered (by SOMETHING) and I was in THAT (tired) condition…..than…if something ‘triggered’ me….while at peace.

Making things right --- my first time

The way to heal – making things right

It is NOT easy.


Twelve Step programs offer a few steps that aid in healing….in making things right…for example…

4-Made a searching and fearless moral and financial inventory of ourselves.
5-Admitted to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
8-Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9-Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

There are even worksheets out there that will help someone in accomplishing these things.

That’s one way to do it..sit down…and start making a list….and I have done that…however…my step 5 was sort of like a catholic confession to a priest—“I did this and I did that and this happened and that happened and I resent this person because”

And …it didn’t really ACCOMPLISH anything.

Then….I have ‘worked step 4 and 5’ on a few individual things…with different people…some of them were…like chatting with a friend about your problems..and trying to come up with solutions…..that was useless.

But SOME of them..have just been AMAZING experiences….well…the actual experience itself was quite difficult and painful…and I wanted to stop as soon as I started and I wanted to unsay things as soon as I’d said them…but AFTERWARDS…..these…experiences…were about truly getting to the CAUSES & CONDITIONS of my feelings….and….once the fear and pain subsided….geez…it’s so hard to explain….I will give details later J but…. I was HEALED. NO sh*t!

But….

I definitely see the advantage in doing these things….in ‘making things right’…and I have reaped the benefits….but….I am not FORMALLY working any particular step at any particular time.

I address things….as they arise….

For a few months….I just had to focus on not gambling…and on my posts on the internet….I always ended with ‘I did not gamble today’….I just had to focus on that….just today…I may gamble tomorrow…I will just not gamble today….and I would go to safe harbor chat room…and talk about how I was feeling..urges..anxiety..whatever…

The more I hung out there….the more I heard about how important it was to be honest in all things (one among many many things that I learned)…so I began to practice that….being ‘rigorously’ honest.

And doing the next right thing.

And to try to relax…

And…to be serene -- the courage to change the things I can
The serenity to accept the things I cannot
And the wisdom to know the difference.

That was huge….the effect that these things were beginning to have in my life.

But I had something that was weighing on me…something that I needed to make right.

In 2002….just after the sh*t hit the fan at my house…my brother called…he was in financial trouble…and needed help.

Geez…how could I ask my husband to do this? I mean…we had it….temporarily anyway…and could loan the money for a short time..but…wow….to ask this..NOW? I mean…if I hadn’t done what I’d done…we could easily have GIVEN him the money…

I asked.
He was not happy.
He said that he needed the money back by such-and-such date (about two months).

Fine.

Then…we didn’t hear from my brother for a while.

He didn’t pay us back when he was supposed to.

I knew that…he wasn’t in touch because he COULDN’T pay us back..and was embarrassed…I didn’t want to call HIM….didn’t want to put pressure on…and we had gotten thru our deadline (barely) without the money.

Eventually I called…as a matter of fact, I think it was my husband who urged me to…saying something like “its silly to let money come between you”…don’t get me wrong…he WANTED the money back…and he was more than a little irritated at my brother…but….he is family.

A few years later, I begin to gamble again (long story…which I will share at a later date)…only this time, I didn’t have access to much money…not without my husband knowing…and I could NOT let him know.

My son…had some money…cash in his room…several hundred dollars.

I ‘borrowed’ it. I was going to put it right back.

Well…

Afterwards…I was –wow….i was so freaking out…how could I have DONE that?? It was my CHILD’s money…what to do? What to do?

And then I knew….my brother….

I called him…I told him what I’d done…and that I needed the money. NOW.

He got it for me.
That day.

All of what he owed me (which was more than I had borrowed from my son).

So I returned my sons money.

Then….I gambled the rest.

THEN

Several years later…I am ..well…I am living this new life…this life of doing the next right thing….and I know…that I must fix this.

We get together with my brother and his family often…my brother is doing well financially….they are going on vacations….buying new television sets…I know that my husband is thinking…what the f***?? But he says nothing.

It’s not ok…to let this go on.

I must fix it.

So….I am not gambling now…the money that I used to ‘sneak away’ with…I am putting aside….saving up…so that I can repay the money to my husband.

I was really proud of myself…that I could do that…I was walking around with hundreds of dollars in my purse…and was not even tempted…I was excited…I was doing the RIGHT thing….I was gonna make this right.

I saved for a few months. I was pretty close.

My plan was…to give the money to my husband and leave him with the impression (lie if I had to) that my brother had just given me the money now.

I am not sure what happened…maybe nothing at all? But one day…it occurred to me that…this was NOT making things right.

This was…making reparations to my HUSBAND…but

I owed reparations to my brother as well….his reputation…

I called my brother…and explained to him that…even tho he gave me the money a few years prior…my husband was still under the impression that he hadn’t paid…and that I was saving the money to repay it…told him what my plan WAS…but that…I had changed my mind…and was going to tell the TRUTH.

My brother said…it is ok…I didn’t have to do that. Just pay my husband the money and leave the impression that he is just paying it now. It’s OK.

It was NOT ok.

Even if it was OK with my brother….it was a lie….what about living honestly? How is this doing ‘the next right thing’ if I am LYING?

I remember that day…I didn’t have all of the money….My husband and I were in the living room….the boys weren’t home..we were alone.

I told him that we needed to talk.

I guess….that is a pretty scary thing for him…since 2002…when I say ‘we need to talk’… well..that could mean just about anything, in his mind.

So I tell him…my story….and I still don’t have all of the money…but here is what I have saved so far…and I will pay back the rest as I am able.


My story ends here….because at this point, I have made things right.

If my husband takes me in his arms and hugs me and tells me how proud he is of me and how much he loves me and that everything is going to be ok…..that will sure make my day easier…better.

If he gets angry…and yells…and throws things up into my face….it will hurt….it will make my day harder….more difficult.

But either way….I am OK….and I have made this particular incident right.

I cannot control how he feels or how he reacts.

The only person, place or thing that I can control is Peg….so that is where my focus shall remain.

The Initial Pain

The pain –

Sometimes is physical pain
Sometimes is overwhelming responsibility
Sometimes is unhappiness in our current situation
Sometimes is grief
Sometimes is unresolved issues from our past
Sometimes is a spiritual malady
Sometimes is boredom or loneliness

Could be just a general dissatisfaction with our life.

And at some point…most likely for entertainment…we gambled…perhaps we won and experienced a wonderful high from it…or maybe we didn’t win…but just sitting there sort of put us in a trance….we were numb….and all of that ‘stuff’ – the pain…went away...even TIME went away!

Maybe we didn’t even REALIZE that at first…we just ‘liked’ to gamble. It was ‘fun’…and….we really NEEDED some ‘fun’…I mean….look at all of this PAIN that we have to contend with.

So we wanted to do it….more.

It escalated.

Eventually….we got concerned…we recognized that there was ‘a problem’…but we minimized how bad it really was….besides…we DESERVE to have SOME fun….and….at this point….gambling has become our ONLY source of ‘FUN’.

And now…here we are.


If you are a gambler of my type…abstinence is mandatory.
If I decide to gamble, I may be fine for a time, but sooner or later I will lose control and will end up back in desperation.

Gambling caused physical…chemical changes in the brain….it takes a while away from gambling..for all of that to get back to ‘normal’.

Since our normal was, at best, one of dissatisfaction…we might want to think about whether or not our normal (before we began self-medicating by gambling) was actually depressed or not? Anti-depressants are an individual choice but many of us were depressed before we became addicted..and the depression is exactly WHY we became addicted….If you suspect that you may be chemically depressed…seeking a medical consultation can be very helpful…..can be an aid in getting those chemicals in the brain back to ‘normal’.

Once we have found a way to break free from the cycle….we have to find a way to address whatever it was…most of us don't do that...because..we have a whole set of NEW problems....we now have the PAIN that GAMBLING has caused us....and we focus on fixing THAT stuff.

That's good. that stuff has got to be fixed.

But we also must find a way to address whatever it was that initally allowed the addiction to take hold....the INITIAL pain.

It’s not easy to do. At least..it’s not for US.

Some people seem to be able to deal with situations…like whatever is causing us pain, in much healthier ways than we are.

But feelings….emotions….most of us…well we DON’T deal with them…for whatever reason.

We have to learn.

Are you in a great deal of pain?

That’s the bottom line, isn’t it?

I’ve read some things that imply that most of us endured some tragedy as a child…or weren’t loved or nurtured properly.

That wasn’t true for me.

My parents weren’t perfect…but they were pretty great and my childhood was actually pretty good. Really good even.

We didn’t have a lot of money…we weren’t poor… we didn’t have a LOT….BUT

We had a lot of love.

I always felt loved…and nurtured.

So then…why me?

How did *I* end up this way? (most people who know me are quite surprised to discover).

I don’t think we can actually qualify HOW or WHY someone is in pain (childhood neglect or some other traumatic event)…the fact is…I am…..and….my guess is…so are you.

I first realized this when I started using the chat room at Safe Harbor.

We are encouraged, there, to ‘share’ our stories…..and to share whatever is going on with us…. That’s where I first learned that our FEELINGS are our problem.

And I learned

That there is so much pain.

Each of us….has a story…..or many stories really….and some of those stories…are involve pain.

I think that….a great deal of what is ‘wrong’ with me…is that I don’t (or didn’t) understand much about feelings…and pain in particular.

It’s an intense subject.

I’ve tried to write about it a few times recently….I struggle.

I will be addressing it, in bits, I think.

What we’ve done in the past hasn’t worked for us.

We must learn a better way.

Which path?

If there are many paths…how do I know what to do?

That was very confusing to me in the beginning.
All I knew was that *I* knew NOTHING.
EVERYONE else seemed to know more than I did…about addiction, about recovery…and I was hungry for knowledge…I needed to know…how to be OK…for the LONG term this time.

I listened to everyone…kept an open mind…asked lots of questions….made my own opinions…..then sometimes changed them LOL….

I’m STILL making my own opinions..and still changing them frequently also!

But…after a while…I realized…that some of those people…had some things I really WANTED…..NEEDED even…..

Peace.
I was so full of anxiety…I was uptight even when I thought I was relaxing!

And Honor….
No gossip….or repeating a confidence.

Clarity of Thought…
The ability to slow down..and analyze a situation…my mind was always racing and ping ponging around…it was difficult for me to make a decision…or calm myself down..or ANYTHING really…without someone else..to talk me thru it.

I was a wreck.

I began to gravitate toward those people, in recovery, who had things I wanted….I listened to them….and slowly…I began learning that..the way that I had been living was not only not the ONLY way…it wasn’t the BEST way either.

There are so many aspects of this ‘recovery’ thing…. It’s about developing new coping skills…learning to relax…to just BE….to be PRESENT..and AWARE..to find Joy..and Dignity…to learn to forgive and to Love other people….and to forgive and Love ourselves.

And so much more than that.

It’s too difficult to do alone.
Keep an open mind...and look at everything..ANTHING that may be of help to you....
Find people…who have what you want
Find them wherever you can…online, in meetings, in books…but FIND them…
And learn what they do…
And do whatever it is that YOU must do…to live the life that you desire.

Never enough

More! More! More!

I can never get enough of a good thing.

It’s true for me in all sorts of ways…

I’m like the little kid that you pick up and swing around like an airplane…when you put me down…I just wanna ‘do it again!’.

Why is that?

Why am I not ever satisfied?

I have mentioned before…that I have too much STUFF.

Oh…it’s clothes and shoes…common stuff that we (women) tend to over-buy.

But it’s more than that.

When I go to Sam’s and buy in bulk…and I come home with a GIANT bottle of laundry detergent…and EIGHT rolls of paper towels…even tho I don’t have a good place to PUT eight rolls of paper towels…it FEELS good…it FEELS like I have ENOUGH.

I have what I need.
At least, in the way of laundry detergent and paper towels :)
At least, for NOW, I do.

I’m not one of those people that they put on Oprah with 13,000 pounds of STUFF jammed into their home….I’m not that bad…but I DO tend to buy things I don’t need…and I have a hard time getting rid of things…maybe I will need this some day?? Or…perhaps it holds some memory.

I REALIZE that..THINGS do NOT hold MEMORIES….if I burn everything that I own…I will retain the memories..the memories are within me.

So what’s the deal with the stuff? .. and it's not just STUFF...

Whatever I am doing…whatever I have….whoever I am with….wherever I am….

Why is that not enough?

Why the constant feeling of lack?

I know that practicing gratitude would be a good way to counter these feelings…

but I have found…in other ‘recovery work’ that I have done..that getting down to the ‘causes and conditions’ of my feelings can actually help to RID myself of them.

I don’t want to fight this stuff all of my life.

I want to be rid of it…the things in ME…that hinder my happiness.

I intend to live the best life that I possibly can.

Starting now.

making changes.....

There are so many different stages…and we’re all different…when and how these things occur in our recovery…or in some cases if they do at all.

I know lots of people in recovery…Many have broken free…many remain in the cycle.

I know there are lots of reasons for that…and if I had the answer to WHY…to WHAT HAPPENED to me…how come I couldn’t stop and I couldn’t stop and I couldn’t stop…
And then…
One day….
I could.
?

It’s a combination of things, I think….that all had to come together.

The thing is…if we keep doing the SAME things day after day after day…then…how can ‘a combination of things’ occur?

If we want change to happen…we have to MAKE some sort of a change.

I’m not saying….if you want to break free you have to do this or that specific thing…I am simply saying….change SOMETHING in your life.

One of the things that we do…almost universally…in this addiction is isolate.

We do it for many reasons….we are ashamed or embarrassed…or we just want to be left the hell alone so that we can gamble…uninterrupted…or…perhaps it’s not even a CONSCIOUS thing…..we just gambled away ever second that we could…and the exclusion of everything and everyone else in our life was gradual….perhaps unintentional…it varies, I suppose….in many ways we are so different….

Many of us are shy…others are gregarious and outgoing.

But once in the cycle….we isolate.

One of the things that I have noticed in the people that I know who continually relapse or who just cannot break free for any considerable length of time…is that they do not come out of their self-imposed isolation.

It is IMPERATIVE that we do.

I often say that ‘we cannot do this alone’.

There’s so much truth in that.

The fact is….many of us can quit without any sort of ‘program’….we can quit WITHOUT a ‘higher power’…we can quit in all different sorts of ways….

But….if I do not begin building a life again….if I don’t do something constructive with my time…if I sit around…lonely…lost in my thoughts….I cannot remain free.

Our thoughts…are a scary place to be…our thoughts KEPT us in the cycle for a long time.

We have to CHANGE the way we are thinking…if we don’t GET OUT there..and START LIVING….our thoughts will return to old patterns.

We don’t have to fill our schedules with things to do (unless that is a good road block for you)…but we have to change SOMETHING.

One little thing…..make a decision to add ONE thing….to your life…the sooner the better…

A class
A support group
An exercise program
Go to gambler’s anonymous
Volunteer at a nursing home or a hospital

Just add ONE thing….maybe ONE HOUR per week…..

a friend of mine always says ‘nothing changes if nothing changes’.


P.S. -a few hours later

Synchronicity -- I just received an email from a friend...in it, he says "Isolation is the sickness, that supports the gambling or name the addiction. In isolation I can make up any "mental world" I want, that keeps me from being confronted with the truth.

Which life?

I got an email from a friend today who touched on the fact that she cannot focus at work.

I had forgotten.

I had forgotten how….antsy I was….antsy physically…I often just felt like I HAD to get out of there..HAD to leave work….I was ready to climb the walls….

But…even when I was able to sit still…my MIND was racing…and it was so hard to get any real work done.

There are probably a lot of things that I don’t recall or I gloss over…I know that I talk about mood swings a lot…but it’s more than that.

The mood swings are important..they are HUGE…I cannot stress enough how much this can impact one’s recovery…and being READY for it…can help some…

But it’s more than that

Aside from SWINGS…I can remember…I used to go to safe harbor chat room every morning before I’d leave my house…sometimes for a few hours…or maybe just a few minutes…but…every day I’d go…it sort of kept me ‘grounded’…got me in a good frame of mind…ready to face the day…

But I recall..many mornings telling the folks there that ONCE AGAIN…my makeup was dripping down my face…I can remember crying when I wasn’t particularly unhappy….sometimes for NO REASON at all….I just had tears.

Now that still happens….that I cry occasionally when I don’t have a GOOD reason to cry….but those tears…back then…..they seemed to be always right there….just on the other side of those tear ducts…ready to burst out.

All of my emotions were like that I think….I was quick to laugh OR cry….to be angry…it was like whatever I felt..I felt in abundance.

We are so fragile then…….there are so many EXCUSES that we can use….

But the fact is…we have two choices.

We can do this….we can decide….this is my life and I want it…..even if it seems like a shit life right now….that is temporary….the only one who can make my life better is ME…and I cannot do that if I am not TRYING to do that..and when I am in the cycle of gambling..I am not TRYING to do ANYTHING except TRYING to cover my ass…clean up whatever financial disaster I am currently in….or find money to go out there again……..THIS CAN BE OK…YOU CAN BE OK
But only if YOU take steps…to make it ok.
So..we can recover or

We can gamble….and if we do..that’s ok…it’s fine….it’s my choice if I do..but if I do, there is a very clear picture, in my mind of where that will eventually lead….I will eventually be alone and penniless OR…I will have to try to quit again…..


Those choices are NOT choices that I make every day.

I don’t have to choose daily….most of the time my mind is clear and bright --- but I remember that time….that crazy…mixed up…fragmented anxious time.

I can have THIS

Or

THAT

There is no in between for me….

THIS or THAT

Which life…do I want to live?

Mood Swings...again

I want to talk some more about those mood swings.

Once we finally break free from the cycle, many of us experience a type of euphoria….I have heard some folks in g.a. refer to it as the ‘pink cloud’ and I have heard someone else call it ‘God’s grace’…whatever it is…when one has it…it is just…it is wonderful.

The sky looks bluer – the grass greener…everything and everyone is so BEAUTIFUL!! How did we not see it before?

And we KNOW that the addiction is behind us…we have seen the light….life is good…and we want to embrace it, to LIVE it…we have discovered that we actually CAN be happy…even tho we may still have consequences to face….we want to live.

I was fortunate enough to be experiencing that during the Thanksgiving Holiday a few years ago and it was the most amazing day I have ever had….

I usually have Thanksgiving dinner at my house…both my family and my husbands family attend…many people are here and it can be very stressful.

But not that day.

I was just so full of joy….I remember someone dropped and broke a bottle of red wine vinegar…now ordinarily I would freak….but….I just said…”I have my hands full..can someone else take care of that for me?” that was it. No drama….no anxiety…I was at peace…for maybe the first time in my life.

Whenever my friends are experiencing this for the first time, I try to tell them that…it is good..it is WONDERFUL..and to enjoy it, of course…but..to be prepared…for the ‘crash’.

Usually they don’t listen. LOL

Who wants to hear that?? Besides…how could it possibly end? Of COURSE it won’t…it is their ‘new’ state…it is their ‘post-gambling’ way.

Well…hopefully that is true….but…it has been MY experience that that peace and joy can not be sustained at THAT intensity.

And….often..when we DO ‘crash’…it is sudden…without warning, and can be quite disturbing…we feel off-center…not whole…not ok.…maybe not depressed or DOWN…but that, too, is possible.

It’s important to know that this TOO is temporary.

It appears to be some sort of winding-down process…after all, we’ve cycled through highs and lows for a long time while we were active in the addiction.

The first time I experienced it…I did not LIKE it..and I wanted to be OK again..even if I couldn’t be on that ‘pink cloud’ I wanted the yucky feelings to go away.

But then…that’s a part of who I am…that is why I became an addict to begin with…wanting the yucky feelings to go away.

Learning how to BE with them….to sit quietly…or to go about my day..but to just let the feelings happen….

Sadness…a great deal of anxiety is what I experienced…..and confusion.

It’s just feelings.

It’s OK.

Try to relax…to quiet the mind….and if you need to…reach out…talk to someone….tell someone how you are feeling….find a SAFE place to share….

Find ways to deal with these feelings rather than to numb them.

Self-medicating may seem like a solution…but it hasn’t really worked for us in the past…not long term anyway….

A new way of thinking and living…..it’s really not about gambling at all.

More on Mood Swings

A Recovery Opportunity

I’ve come a long way.

Many things that used to drive me CRAZY…I am easily able to dismiss…I can even laugh at myself…at how I *USED* to be.

I no longer have to control everyone and everything.

But SOMEtimes….SOMEtimes people still drive me up the wall.

I realize that has to do with ME…a whole lot more than it has to do with THEM…but STILL.

I am so passionate about recovery…about…the fact that it is POSSIBLE…and DESIRABLE …and that…even tho we THINK there is no hope…

There most certainly is.
And happiness…can be found…no matter how unlikely that seems.


But…when people come seeking help…and they are told…to ‘Just put it in God’s hands’ or ‘If you really want to stop you’ll get to a meeting’ or even….’You cannot recover without your higher power’…or even that you DON’T need g.a. or meetings or a HigherPower…you can just go cold turkey if you want it bad enough…..or any one of a MILLION close minded things…it is just so frustrating to me.

Orrrr…here's a good one....that if I *CAN* do this without God, that I am not a REAL compulsive gambler. HA!

Not a REAL compulsive gambler…that’s so funny.

Telling me that I *HAVE* to do this or I *HAVE* to do that always have and always will put up walls for me.

Even if they’re RIGHT (and I don’t think that they are)…are they being HELPFUL??

How does anyone else know if I can just go cold turkey?

If I could’ve…I’m sure I would’ve long ago.

So I struggle with this…I struggle because…when it happens…it’s not just a matter of MY ego…it’s not about the fact that I DISAGREE….it’s that…there is someone else…someone suffering….and I fear that they are not getting the help that they came for…and I remember….I so remember how alone and desperate I felt…how devastated I was.

This struggle…I know…is just another part of my journey…another recovery ‘opportunity’…but…today…I struggle with it…

Perhaps there *IS* just one way to recovery….just one way for YOU to recover…..it may or may not be *MY* way….so….if you haven’t found your way just yet…don’t rule anything out….don’t let some close minded person turn you off to a path that might be precisely what you need…don’t let anyone else’s experience keep YOU from having a look at things yourself. Don’t be close minded yourself.

There is a lot to learn….but EVERYONE doesn’t have the answers that YOU need….there are people with YEARS of clean time that don’t have anything to offer me…I don’t want what they have.