KNOWING versus DOING

Anytime I imagine what some future day or event will be like...I'm almost always wrong. Maybe actual circumstances will be better....maybe worse than I'd imagined...but they're almost always different.

Thursday, 10-30, marks my two year milestone.

I don't 'count days' anymore....but I've really been looking forward to this...in the same way I do an anniversary or birthday...hmmmmm....the way I looked forward to a birthday when i was six??? LOL

anyway
I guess I sort of imagined I would take the day off....take a break from this whirlwind of a life I've created and just 'be' for a change....maybe hang out in safe harbor chat room....stay logged into msn and yahoo chat...catch up with some friends I haven't visited with in a while.

But my grammy died last weekend.

So I'm leaving in the morning....to Los Angeles to attend her services.

There is a LOT of drama around this.....not the least of which, I haven't seen my father in twenty years...long story and it's not relevant here...but....my insides are....they are racing....and tight.

it's complicated.

I keep imagining different scenarios...what these next two days will hold....I know it won't actually be anything like what I imagine...but it's difficult to not think about it.

So yeah....I'm having a hard time staying in the day....and dealing with things as they arise....trying not to CREATE problems (in my mind)....

but I'm trying :)

I'm not the first one to say this, but...recovery is pretty easy when everything's going your way...it's when sh*t happens....when people let us down....or become ill...or die....or...just when circumstances aren't what we'd hoped for......that we really have to USE these 'life skills' that recovery teaches.

the thing is...sh*t is GONNA happen.....I'm grateful to have these 'skills' to fall back on.

OK--- so I *KNOW* what to do....it's just a matter of DOING it.

Relax
Accept what I cannot change
change what I can
Stay in the moment....I only need deal with what is immediately before me.

Love,
Peg

It's not an 'act'

A few weeks ago I called a friend of mine.

Her husband answered. He said she was at the casino.

She is often at the casino.

I was thinking about how sad that is...for him...for her..for them....and I reflected to when I was doing the same thing....sometimes staying out all night long...coming home just in time to get him off to work and the kids off to school....or sneaking away for small bits of time here and there, throughout the weekend...never sitting still....spending any time just 'being' with them.

I was thinking about how glad I am that I don't gamble any more.

Because....when I gamble, it is not an 'act'.

It is a way of life.

Gambling Spouse

After I stopped gambling in 2002, I shared that I had a gambling problem with a few close friends.

One afternoon I was going to lunch with one of them...and she said to me "I heard this man on a radio program recently. His wife had a gambling problem...and his story about their marriage...their life was so sad...it was terrible...over and over again she would lie and start gambling again....at the end of the program they asked him if he had any advice for someone who was married to a problem gambler and he said 'Get out. Leave. It will never get better. They will never stop.'" and my friend told me when he said that she thought to herself "oh, well this is different than what Peg has".

What advice would I give to the spouse of a compulsive gambler?

Well I absolutely wouldn't advise them to stay or to leave. That is an individual choice.

I would suggest that if they decided to stay, they take steps to protect themself....know the financial situation...do whatever they are able to protect the finances from the spouse with the problem.....never ever ever take their eye off that ball....even if the spouse hasn't gambled in FOREVER....keep an eye on the finances and do not be secretive about it...make it known that they are watching....closely.....always.

and I would offer them this.....
the compulsive gambler may continue gambling for the rest of his/her life bringing only misery to himself and those around him

or
perhaps he/she will seek help....in which case.....this person is very likely to become a better person/spouse than he/she has ever been....as many people I know have done

or
they may fall somewhere in between

and unfortunately.....there is no way to tell....how any particular one of us is going to turn out. (In fact....while we are caught up in the cycle, to look at ANY of us, it would be difficult to imagine how we could ever be OK again).

I guess....in some ways.....for the spouse of a compulsive gambler to choose to stay with us is a gamble for THEM.

But it is a gamble that many of them are winning.....because many of 'us' are finding a way...to be OK....to be BETTER than OK.

Hugs,
Peg

The Flight Response

When I was in the cycle...I gambled when I was angry.
I gambled when I was sad.
I gambled when I was happy.

I didn't need a reason.
If I was awake, I wanted to gamble, and if there was any way to make it happen, I did.

Once free, though....I'm truly free.

My 'addictive voice' is really very quiet....and my 'higher self' is very aware that the addictive voice lies and that listening to it will only bring misery.

But

when I am angry or afraid...the fight or flight response kicks in and there really is no rational thought going on...I want to flee....and fleeing...for me....is at a machine.

I found some interesting info on the fight or flight response:

When we experience excessive stress—whether from internal worry or external circumstance—a bodily reaction is triggered, called the "fight or flight" response. Originally discovered by the great Harvard physiologist Walter Cannon, this response is hard-wired into our brains and represents a genetic wisdom designed to protect us from bodily harm. This response actually corresponds to an area of our brain called the hypothalamus, which—when stimulated—initiates a sequence of nerve cell firing and chemical release that prepares our body for running or fighting.

When our fight or flight response is activated, sequences of nerve cell firing occur and chemicals like adrenaline, noradrenaline and cortisol are released into our bloodstream. These patterns of nerve cell firing and chemical release cause our body to undergo a series of very dramatic changes. Our respiratory rate increases. Blood is shunted away from our digestive tract and directed into our muscles and limbs, which require extra energy and fuel for running and fighting. Our pupils dilate. Our awareness intensifies. Our sight sharpens. Our impulses quicken. Our perception of pain diminishes. Our immune system mobilizes with increased activation. We become prepared—physically and psychologically—for fight or flight. We scan and search our environment, "looking for the enemy."
When our fight or flight system is activated, we tend to perceive everything in our environment as a possible threat to our survival. By its very nature, the fight or flight system bypasses our rational mind—where our more well thought out beliefs exist—and moves us into "attack" mode. This state of alert causes us to perceive almost everything in our world as a possible threat to our survival. As such, we tend to see everyone and everything as a possible enemy. Like airport security during a terrorist threat, we are on the look out for every possible danger. We may overreact to the slightest comment. Our fear is exaggerated. Our thinking is distorted. We see everything through the filter of possible danger. We narrow our focus to those things that can harm us. Fear becomes the lens through which we see the world.
We can begin to see how it is almost impossible to cultivate positive attitudes and beliefs when we are stuck in survival mode. Our heart is not open. Our rational mind is disengaged. Our consciousness is focused on fear, not love. Making clear choices and recognizing the consequences of those choices is unfeasible. We are focused on short-term survival, not the long-term consequences of our beliefs and choices. When we are overwhelmed with excessive stress, our life becomes a series of short-term emergencies. We lose the ability to relax and enjoy the moment. We live from crisis to crisis, with no relief in sight. Burnout is inevitable. This burnout is what usually provides the motivation to change our lives for the better. We are propelled to step back and look at the big picture of our lives—forcing us to examine our beliefs, our values and our goals.

that...and more...here http://www.thebodysoulconnection.com/EducationCenter/fight.html

they go on to talk about how....this built-in function was once necessary for our physical survival....but that in the modern world....our dangers are primarily psychological.

maybe that's why what I want to FLEE to is also psychological.

My addiction didn't develop this way....but once it had a foothold....once I (subconsciously) realized where to find (psychological) relief....gambling became my 'default flight response'.

This makes learning relaxation techniques mandatory....so that...when I have the overwhelming desire...no...not desire....COMPULSION....it is not optional...it feels MANDATORY.....when that happens.... I can put those techniques into use.

Isn't it ironic that this inborn genetic response, that is designed to protect me......has gone awry to the point that....to 'flee' danger (by gambling)...I would actually destroy myself.

In and out of this

I know lots of people with a gambling addiction.

It's so hard to break free from this.

Sometimes.....once we are free....we truly FEEL free...we KNOW we don't want to gamble again...we are happy to be out of the hell...we are confident and strong.

Sometimes we decide to experiment...

or....maybe we are angry or frustrated or grieving.....and we just don't care....

or.....maybe we do it without even really thinking much about it at all...it doesn't seem like it's that big of a deal.

Often....one 'episode' is the beginning of yet another descent...the out of control spiral.

It's so easy to fall into and so difficult to get out of.

The first time we stop gambling...we are usually filled with shame...for having been so out of control...for our behavior...lies...the money that we blew...the waste of time.

If we fall back into the cycle after some period of abstinence...we have the shame of 'going back' on top of that.

I do not believe that relapse has to be a part of recovery....it is not necessary to relapse....but....if we do.....the best thing we can do for ourselves is to rech out...for help.

It's hard for me to do that.

to admit I need help.

some people 'slip' and get right back into recovery...get right back to a meeting or call someone...or SOMEHOW reach out for help.

others....like me.....are unable to do that.

I continued to gamble for two more years.

As much shame as I felt...a part of me didn't want to quit....I sort of knew that...when I DID quit again....it would be for a long time....so I wanted to 'get it out of my system'.

it's lies...it's all lies.
our mind....tells us all sorts of things when we are caught up in this.

when i was gambling, all i could see was me.
my pain.
my situation.
my stupidity.
my need to continue gambling.

In the very early days...gambling was fun, exciting....pleasurable.

Once we get to the point that gambling causes us pain....I don't know if it's ever really 'fun' again.
we may want to do it.
we may have a hard time stopping.
but are we really enjoying it??

there are times, when i was gambling that i might've said yes --but that, too, was an illusion...a lie.

If you are currently free from the cycle....I encourage you to make changes in your life that will assist you in staying free .....and in finding happiness.

If you are currently gambling.....much love to you....you don't have to be alone.

reach out...to someone...somewhere....alone is too lonely.

How do I change?

Well see....

If I decide that I need to become more organized, for instance (which I very much need to do)...how do I do that?

'be more organized' is so general.

I cannot just...wake up tomorrow and 'be more organized'.

so what CAN I do?

well....

I can organize what is before me right now.
this minute.
if I am bringing in the mail...rather than just set the pile on the counter (maybe on top of yesterday's mail)....I can do this ONE thing...in an organized manner...I can pitch anything that is junk mail....put any bills in the 'to be paid' box...and file away anything that needs to be saved.
right now.

doing that one small act doesn't 'make me an organized person'...
but
if...i resolve....to do the NEXT thing I do in an organized fashion....if I continuously do the task at hand...in a more orderly way....
one day
i will realize
that i am no longer an unorganized 'person'.

sometimes....when I suddenly 'get' these things...those old sayings ('Rome wasn't built in a day' or even 'one day at a time') ring true...and I think...geez....why didn't I see this a long time ago?

I'm off...to do the next right thing...
you have a good day :)

Extremes

I was talking with a friend the other day...about how we are extremists.

well...maybe YOU aren't...but my friend and I are....and it would appear that many people in recovery are as well.

I've been this way my whole life...not just with gambling (cuz I sure did gamble to the extreme!)....for example...

if, for some reason, I suddenly needed...i dunno...a rug....I would find out everything there is to know about rugs...I would know all of the terminology around rugs...that there is a difference between 'handmade' and 'hand knotted'...and I would be pretty much...well...consumed with rugs...and...excited even.

Usually...these things are short-lived.

Anyway.....if I decide to do something....I get excited about it and I'm 'all in'.

Actually...that's one reason that in 2002 when I found g.a. and started reading....once I realized that....without God...I was basically doomed (to a life of gambling, I mean)....I thought I was pretty screwed....for a few reasons...

first of all...I didn't really believe in God.
and
I really didn't want to.
cuz...I sort of knew that....if I was gonna believe in this...then I was gonna do it all-out....like I do everything...
I mean...as much as religous zealots ummmmm rub me the wrong way....I sort of 'get it'....

If I really believed..with all of my heart that if I did this and this and that....that I would live eternity in bliss....and that...whoever DIDN'T...was gonna burn in hell...in unimaginable and unending pain...torture....well...I don't want that for anyone....and...if I knew how to avoid that fate...I would want to ...well...'save' them...right?

so yeah...I get it.
as irritated as I get when people try to 'save' me...lol...I do get it.

where was I anyway?
oh yeah--- if I do something...I am 'all in'....

and if it's actually 'doing' something...I'm gonna be the BEST at doing it...give it all I've got...

in talking to this friend the other day....it sort of seems like...many people...go from one extreme to the other....doing/thinking/living nothing but gambling (or drinking or drugging or whatever).....and THEN....once they are able to break free.... they (we) are 'consumed' with 'recovery'....

I'm not bashing that...not at all...I mean....the extreme of living in addiction is.....extremely bad...... and if one finds a way out of that.....and is even REMOTELY happy....well...good for them.....for some people...I imagine...being 'extreme' in recovery....is the only way they don't end up back at the other extreme (using/gambling).

but

for me....'recovering' means a lot of changes....

one of those changes has to be (for me)....finding balance.
in everything.

I can do this...

Second post today---

It was good to be there....

comfortable.

I only cried a little :)

The fact is....I sort of worked through most of my 'stuff' this morning...preparing for the appointment.

You know...I've talked before about how difficult it is for me to put names to my feelings.

But....there's more to it than that....I have always PRETENDED to be ok even when I'm not.....there was no way to tell what was going on inside...by looking at the outside.

I tend to keep whatever's going on on the inside....on the inside....LOL unless I'm really angry -

so this is tough....coming here...these past few days...and not too long ago it also happeneded....these...blues...this...whatever it is....it's not easy saying...I'm not strong...I'm not ...I'm not OK.

but day after day, I come here...I'm practically a cheer-leader.....Y O U C A N DO THIS.....

and I talk alot about the feelings...mood swings, etc. in sort of general terms.

it would feel dishonest to only write when I'm happy and things are going well...

I'm surprising myself in many ways these days.....

I'm not perfect.

Life's not perfect..

But all I have to deal with is right now....and I can do that.

Write

So I woke up this morning feeling anxious.

I only slept a few hours...it was that feeling..where...nothing in particular was wrong..it just felt like....'all is not well'....like I needed to do 'something'..but having no idea what it is?

I mean....I've had things going on recently that have been bothersome...but I wasn't really fretting over any of that....I just had that fragmented feeling...like i'm not ok.

a few hours later my stomach began to hurt....is this making me physically ill or do i have a bug?

anyways....I have that 1:00 appointment...and usually, before I go...I sort of go through, in my head, what I will talk about.
well it's been AGES since I've seen her....and a lot to talk about....a lot going on right now.

a friend of mine suggested I write....get my thoughts together so that my meeting is 'productive'.
I've never done that before...our meetings just sort of...go wherever they need to go.

but this morning....I knew that this 'all is not well' fragmented feeling wasn't really rational.....so I decided to try something....

I wrote about my life in regards to:

Relationships
Finances
Home
Recovery
Responsibilities

I focused mainly on the problems in those areas.

Then I made a list of

Things that are good in my life

So there it was....all the yuck...and all the good stuff too....my life.

SO THENNNNNN

I wrote about

What I can change :)

then

What I must accept.

This is do-able.

It's amazing how much better I feel than I did just a few hours ago...I'm not 'all better'...but that's ok....I'm good...

We resist writing...or at least *I* do (ha! I blog--- I mean...I resist writing about my inner most feelings....or such things as the project I took on this morning) but.... it really can...this exercise helped me to 'see' my life....and sort of...helped me to focus...on what I need to do.

Note to my therapist

I did cry...and slept most of the day yesterday.

Went to bed early anyway and feel ok today.

Not great, but ok.

My husband will be leaving the country soon for a business trip.

He's concerned....he has no experience with depression...or for crying for no particular reason...or just wanting to stay in bed.

He's as 'normal' as they come.

So he's worried.
and he has to leave.

So he asks me yesterday if I would call my therapist to make an appt. I started seeing her in 2002 when I couldn't stop gambling....have seen her off and on since....haven't seen her in a while...I've been fine :)

Ordinarly, I would do what I always do....say 'ok' then not call..for weeks...or months even.

But...I have felt so good for so long....and her office is a great place to cry.
So I knew it was a good idea.
Still....
I didn't call her.

So last night....I sent her an email to see if she had any openings...

and this morning...while driving the boys to school....it suddenly hit me....something remarkable about that email.

I'll copy it here....to see if you catch it.....


Don’t know where your phone number is so I thought I’d give this a shot.

It’s nothing major really….a million little things…but I’m not ok.

I just want to cry….to stay in bed and cry.

I don’t, of course, I can’t.
But I would if I could….and I imagine it shows on my face…

Long story short…both boys are doing really poorly in school (what’s new)…then….xxxxxxxxxxprivate info about my son which I should not share herexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

The following day, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxprivate info about my son which I should not share herexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

THEN…Sunday…xxxxxxxxxxMORE private info about my son that I should not share herexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

I keep telling myself that I’m a good mom.
I know I am.
I’m a good mom who just has a kid who does whatever the hell he wants regardless of what his good parents say or do.

My husband leaves Friday on business and I think he’s afraid to leave me right now.

I’m not dangerous to myself or others…but I could probably benefit from an hour on your sofa.

Got any openings?

That's it.
Did you catch it?

I didn't even mention it.

Whether or not I am Gambling no longer defines me.

p.s. I see her tomorrow at 1

Crying over nothing

Maybe it's just me....

I wanna cry...feel all of these tears inside of me...but I hold them in.

HAVE to hold them in.

My life is pretty good...my husband would be confused and worred...'what is making you cry?' "What is WRONG???"

The thing is....lots of things could potentially make me cry...breaking an arm, for instance, that'd make me cry....and even things that don't hurt me PHYSICALLY....like...when a lover moves on....or you broke some precious item that a much loved relative passed down to you that can never be replaced...

yep...there are lots of reasons to cry.

but what about those times....when there really isn't a 'thing'...nothing big enough to cry over, anyhow....maybe someone says something ugly....and you let it go.......then you drop the spahetti as you're putting it into the refrigerator...yeah...a mess....but again, nothing to CRY over....but when these things just keep coming and coming and coming....and to try to SHARE them with someone seems ridiculous....

can you imagine...

sobbing.....barely speaking through tears....and he said that *I* would have to drive the kids to the party and then I dropped the spaghetti and then and then.

cmon.

it's not something you can share...because it's nothingness.
it's all of the nothingness that isn't worthy of a tear....but it builds....and it builds until what is needed is a good cry.

I can't think of any other way to alleviate it.

The house is empty now, so I can do it without having to attempt to explain....and without worrying anyone too much.

I'll be OK.
Really.
It's just nothingness that's been building.

Ups and Downs

For a long time I've had skip in my step...you know....a few ups and downs here and there, but basically life's been good.

But then....well...you know...things change....and while I still have a wealth of things to be grateful for...it's sometimes hard to see them...or...to remain grateful for them anyway.

The yucky stuff gets overwhelming.

I haven't see my therapist for a while...haven't needed to....i've been fine...but I slept most of the day yesterday and I'd really like to continue that today....my husband asked me to call her...to go have a talk.

I should.
I probably will.
Soon.
Don't feel like it right now.

For a week I've been saying I feel the need to cry...to just spend a day in bed and cry.....think I'll do that today.
then maybe will call for an appointment later.

It's quite remarkable, to me.....how I go from THAT person...to THIS....and knowing that I will go back again.....in time.

i'm so tired.....

Be a Voice for Recovery

A woman posted recently on one of the forums I read.
She doensn't work any 12 step program...has abstained from gambling for over 10 years.
She lives near me evidently...during the evacuation for hurricane Ike....she justified it.....and began gambling again.

It upset me.....so I was talking to my friend...who said..."yes...but she's OUT there...and no oen even KNEW....how many people who are OUT there...NOT gambling...and are NOT logging in to tell us they've slipped because they HAVEN'T?"

good point.

Now....some would say..'if she had been working the program she wouldn't have slipped.'

ok.

problem is...'working the program' is REALLY something that you do in your heart.

No one can look at you, and by your deeds, know whether or not you are 'working your program'

often...people slip...and only THEN do they ackowledge "well...I WAS going to meetings, and I WAS talking to my sponsor but I WASN"T doing this or that"

so
they THOUGHT they were safe....but they obviously weren't doing SOMETHING tht needed to be done.

so when people....in g.a. look as someone like this woman, with ten years abstinence...and say 'you should've been working the program (ie attending g.a.)
I sort of think that's b.s.

I mean...maybe she should've been....
but....attending g.a. is NOT necessarily gonna keep you free.

I know many people who attend ga and are never able to BREAK free...and many who HAVE broken free.....who break abstinence also.

Certainly....there are things that we must do.

This woman, like me, rerturned to gambling when she was in pain, or fearful.

ANYWAYYYYYYY

the point of this entry...is not to debate whether or not g.a. is necessary to maintain long term abstinence.

The purpose...is to say that people ARE doing so.

Maybe because they cannot get beyond the 'God' thing.
Maybe because they have had bad experience with people at their local g.a. meetings.
I imagine there are many reasons for a person to not attend g.a.
Many of us cannot stop gambling without it.

But some do.

Most of the people that I know, who are free for a long period of time....are active in g.a.

That used to make me think that I'd have to remain active in g.a. if I ever wanted to 'be free for a long time (ie forever)'

But i've met many 'alcoholics' who are free from their addiction who do not attend AA.

I imagine there are many of us as well.

Some of the folks that I've met in G.A. truly seem to be living the program to the best of their ability.....working to be more honest, accepting, humble.

but not too many.

and personally, I don't want to be tht tied up in an ORGANIZATION.

I dont wanno go to christmas parties and picnics.
they're GREAT...for those who want them....I just don't.

I don't want g.a. to be my LIFE.

I draw a lot from what they teach......but much of that is found elsewhere also...in christian teachings, buddhism, much of this stuff is ancient wisdom....about how to live....and be happy.

anyway....

One of the things that G.A. members do that I *DO* admire...is step 12 work....'reaching out to help the compulsive gambler who still suffers'.

One of the things that would be helpful....to me, for sure....is if people who were able to break free some OTHER way would make themselves known.....to share how they did it.....and to offer hope to those that are struggling.

I hope that....even if I ever DO get to a place where I feel I COULD just walk away from it all and never look back.....that I won't do that....not completely...

so that others may know...
you can be ok.

Love,
Peg

Maintaining Abstinence

I have seen so many people break abstinence.

I've seen people with many years of abstinence, working the g.a. program, return to gambling.

I've seen people...who never thought they'd be able to stop...who were so ALIVE...and so FREE...and so RELIEVED to be that....gambling just a day or so after having expressed that.

I've seen people who have been attending g.a. meetings regularly for YEARS break abstinence repeatedly.

Often, I am shocked (and saddened) when I hear of someone gambling after years of freedom.

WHy does it happen?
Why does it shock me when it does?

Well..I know, for myself....that this thing rarely rears it's head...I almost never even THINK to gamble.
I go about my life and it's a non-issue.

But....every once in a while....
something happens
or maybe
nothing at all happens?

and I want to.

When I stopped gambling in 2002...I was happy and free....for nearly two years without EVER wanting or thinking to gamble.....when I had reason(s) to grieve....which, for me, amounts to reason(s) to gamble.

And now...having stopped again in 2006...again....there wasn't a thought to gamble for nearly two years....and THIS time...I was not grieving (i think?).....but again.....gambling became an option...well..more than an option...I WANTED it.

The difference is....in 2004 (the first time this happened to me)... a) I was not 'actively' pursuing 'personal growth and b) I did not have the tools necessary to abstain during that difficult time.

Just recently...when I wanted to gamble.... I had both of things...AND I was able to choose to use them (although it was difficult...I DID want to gamble).

Time and time again, when people 'come back' after breaking abstinence, they talk about how they 'stopped working their program and..'

so it's an ongoing thing.

An old-timer with many years of recovery/abstinence was such a shock for me...I couldn't believe it....HOW? HIM????

Sometimes...we look at people who are free and we think 'he/she has done it'

but the truth is.... we must continue to do it....it's an ongoing thing.

well

for ME it's not a DAILY ongoing thing.

I can stop 'working recovery' now...and be fine.
for months...perhaps years.

the problem is...

if there *IS* a day.....some day....when I want to gamble again....and I'm not 'working recovery'...even WITH the tools that I have....will I be able to choose to use them?

so what does 'working recovery' entail?

well...the word 'recovery' is sort of used by the 12 step community to mean...working the 12 steps.

which I don't really do.

I do use the word...because....well....I haven't found a better word for what I do...and because...I AM doing SOMETHING.

for me....'recovery' is.....trying to live by a set of principles that make me feel glad to be alive...and to be human....and as an added bonus...if I'm working on this every day...I negate any possibility of actually gambling, if and when the desire does arise.

Find a way

If you're just seeking help/information for the first time....welcome....there are many resources to help people with a gambling problem.

Gambler's Anonymous Meetings are the most widely known resource but there are many online groups as well.

I highly recommend finding a group that suits you...and participating.

If you are unable or unwilling to participate actively...at least READ (lurk) on a regular basis.

It helps.

If you have tried and tried to quit without success....CHANGE something.

Many of us were unable to stop if given the choice to carry on.

I couldn't.

I gave up my access to money.

Most of us are loathe to do that.

I understand.

I wasn't crazy about it myself....but...for ME it wasn't a permanent thing...and it worked.

With no money, one cannot gamble.

I had no credit cards and I had to account for every penny that I DID spend.

I tried not to be resentful during that time....to recognize that it was for my GOOD...that it was HELPING me.

Sometimes it felt that way, sometimes not.

But I'm free now. :)

I have friends that managed to break free by banning themselves.

I'll bet that's D*MN hard to do....walk into a place, fill out paperwork saying 'dont let me come here again'.

but it's easier than those rides home were.

a lot easier than that.


Putting up roadblocks like this isn't gonna save us if we are determined to gamble....
and different roadblocks work for different people.

and even....different roadblocks work for the SAME person..at different points in time.

if you're trying to stop....and you gamble....try to think of a roadblock that might've prevented THIS particular 'outing'...and put it into place...so there isn't a NEXT time.

I know...
it's hard to do
when you want to stop
but
you really DON'T want to stop too.

The thing is....we DON'T want to stop...because we LOVE it....or because it's FUN...or...it's the only thing that makes us HAPPY...

but if that's true

why DO we want to stop?

we are probably NOT feeling very happy if we are online, looking for help for a 'gambling problem'

problem.

it IS a problem.

that's the thing isn't it?

we want to gamble and for it NOT to be a problem.

some people do.

why not us?

we spend a lot of time trying to understand this...trying to figure it all out...trying to make it work (so that we can continue to gamble without hurting ourselves).

I give it a lot of thought too....still.

but

whether I understand it or not....deep down...I know what must be done.

I imagine you do too.

Take care of you,
Love,
Peg

Older Problem Gamblers Face Increased Suicide Risk

"irrespective of age, problem gamblers have reported rates of suicidal ideation and/or attempts as high as six times those found in the general population"

The entire article here:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/hsn/20080929/hl_hsn/olderproblemgamblersfaceincreasedsuiciderisk

on Being Imperfect

more on the book...'The SPirituality of Imperfection".

The introduction opens with this quote:

"Baseball teaches us, or has taught most of us, how to deal with failure. We learn at a very young age that failure is the norm in baseball and, precisely because we have failed, we hold in high regard those who fail less often- those who hit safely in one out of three chances and become star players. I also find it fascinting that baseball, alone in sport, considers errors to be part of the game, part of it's rigorous truth." -- Francis T. Vincent Jr, Commissioner of Baseball.

the book goes on to say that:

The spirituality of imperfection begins with the recognition that trying to be perfect is the most tragic human mistake.

Yes....I see.

I understand.

I *do* think I should be 'perfect' and I also know that I will never be.

At the same time....it's important for me to be careful to not simply DISMISS my faults as 'oh well...I'm only human...this is just the way I am'.

yeah...I AM only human....and I will always have faults....I cannot be perfect so striving for perfection is futile.

but

i can be better.

I cannot be perfect...but I can always be 'better'.

Information and Resources for Problem Gamblers

If you haven't already, you may want to have a look at this link which lists many sites with information and resources for Compulsive Gamblers....

there are links to posting forums...gambler's anonymous literature....chat rooms...general information about gambling, gambling problems, debt and recovery.

Be well.

Top Compulsive Gamblers Sites for Recovery

Spirituality

So I'm reading a book entitled 'The Spirituality of Imperfection'.

It isn't a book FOR or ABOUT A.A. necessarily ---but it does reference AA quite a bit.

here's a snippet:

"....it is the unconventionality of AA's spirituality-its wariness of the dogma and directives of organized religion- that has appealed to so many men and women who, like Bill Wilson, could not find the answer to their despair in conventional religion. For although it insists on the necessity of 'the spiritual' for recovery, AA has always presented it's program as 'spiritual rather than religious.' The problem with organized religions, Bill Wilson once complained, 'is their claim how confoundedly right all of them are.' The spirituality of imperfection that forms the heart and soul of AA mkes no claim to be 'right'. "

I've been pondering this....

then

yesterday, I was having my hair done...my hairdresser is my friend and this is a time for us to 'catch up' on each others' lives...we have children the same ages, lots in common....many of our talks are on a 'deep' level...

so she asks me what therapist I see.

I tell her I haven't seen her in a while..I'm doing ok...but I'll give her the info before I leave...

she says...well...you just seem to learn so much from her.

well...I have.

but....I knew that she was under the wrong impression.

The things that I talk about with her....forgiveness...acceptance....relationships....these are not things that I've been taught by my therapist....

I've learned these things in 'recovery'.

So I've been thinking...about this 'spiritual program'...and how....

while there are many references to God....this program, as I see it, differs from religion in that...it is not about 'getting to heaven' ...it isn't at all about living in the hereafter.

My spirit

If I have one

and I believe that I do..

is here with me

now

in THIS life....

so...my concern....my focus...on my spirituality...is on what and how my spirit is doing NOW.

It's about how to live THIS life.....in the best possible way.