Maintaining Abstinence

I have seen so many people break abstinence.

I've seen people with many years of abstinence, working the g.a. program, return to gambling.

I've seen people...who never thought they'd be able to stop...who were so ALIVE...and so FREE...and so RELIEVED to be that....gambling just a day or so after having expressed that.

I've seen people who have been attending g.a. meetings regularly for YEARS break abstinence repeatedly.

Often, I am shocked (and saddened) when I hear of someone gambling after years of freedom.

WHy does it happen?
Why does it shock me when it does?

Well..I know, for myself....that this thing rarely rears it's head...I almost never even THINK to gamble.
I go about my life and it's a non-issue.

But....every once in a while....
something happens
or maybe
nothing at all happens?

and I want to.

When I stopped gambling in 2002...I was happy and free....for nearly two years without EVER wanting or thinking to gamble.....when I had reason(s) to grieve....which, for me, amounts to reason(s) to gamble.

And now...having stopped again in 2006...again....there wasn't a thought to gamble for nearly two years....and THIS time...I was not grieving (i think?).....but again.....gambling became an option...well..more than an option...I WANTED it.

The difference is....in 2004 (the first time this happened to me)... a) I was not 'actively' pursuing 'personal growth and b) I did not have the tools necessary to abstain during that difficult time.

Just recently...when I wanted to gamble.... I had both of things...AND I was able to choose to use them (although it was difficult...I DID want to gamble).

Time and time again, when people 'come back' after breaking abstinence, they talk about how they 'stopped working their program and..'

so it's an ongoing thing.

An old-timer with many years of recovery/abstinence was such a shock for me...I couldn't believe it....HOW? HIM????

Sometimes...we look at people who are free and we think 'he/she has done it'

but the truth is.... we must continue to do it....it's an ongoing thing.

well

for ME it's not a DAILY ongoing thing.

I can stop 'working recovery' now...and be fine.
for months...perhaps years.

the problem is...

if there *IS* a day.....some day....when I want to gamble again....and I'm not 'working recovery'...even WITH the tools that I have....will I be able to choose to use them?

so what does 'working recovery' entail?

well...the word 'recovery' is sort of used by the 12 step community to mean...working the 12 steps.

which I don't really do.

I do use the word...because....well....I haven't found a better word for what I do...and because...I AM doing SOMETHING.

for me....'recovery' is.....trying to live by a set of principles that make me feel glad to be alive...and to be human....and as an added bonus...if I'm working on this every day...I negate any possibility of actually gambling, if and when the desire does arise.