Saturday, May 30, 2009

Who's in my corner?

I started driving at 14 yrs old (scary) my teens and twentys I ONLY listened to music in the my thirties I alternated between music and talk radio.....and my forties....I occasionally drive in complete silence.

oh....I can still 'jam' from time to time (although my teen sons are horrified if I'm singing or bouncing along with a song at a red light....someone might see me...and THEM!!!)....

and all of it's good....
listening to people talk about good stuff
and just quiet

thinking of nothing....
or thinking about all of the important things that I've been too busy to think about lately :)

lots of times, I'm thinking in the car....and I'll think 'this is a great thing to blog about when i get home'....

funny that....more often than not....those thoughts are fleeting
you know....when you wake up after a vivd dreamand ....unless you sit down and with much effort....recall all of the details....and maybe even if you the end of the day it's a vague memory....and perhaps you can't even remember having dreamt at all.

sometimes my brainstorms are like that.

but not always.

and it can be kind of thought process.....

recently someone posted on safe harbor and mentioned a gathering that she was planning....her husband said to invite everyone she she sat down and counted all of the people in her life (that she cared about)....and she mentioned this was a large number, i thought, of people in her life...people who she cares about...who care about her.

so i started thinking about my own life.
not counting.
i'm too lazy for that...or too busy....or both.

but....thinking about the 'layers' of people in my life.

of course there are acquaintances.....
even friends come in many flavors.
i mean
i have some friends that i've known for more years than i'd like to admit :)

i have some friends that i haven't really known for very long at all....but i consider them close friends just the same.

i have some friends that i have never actually met face to face (thanks to the internet)....that I truly truly care for.....and I know they feel the same about me.


I was thinking about.....

who loves me.

i mean

if i needed something.

if my heart was broken

or....some hardship had befallen me.....

or i just needed to cry to someone....

or advice....

who could i call?

who would care?


if i were really really in need

i mean REALLY in need.



honestly, I can think of lots of people.

you know

when my mom died....that was (although i wasn't fully aware of it)... an enormous source of my pain.....the fact that i no longer had unconditional love.

i mean

that woman

she was there the day i was born

and she thought i was the most beautiful thing ever to be born :)

and while we had some rough times (during my OWN teen years).... she was always there.

no matter what.

for many years after her death I did not grieve her (properly) anytime i thought or spoke of her my eyes would water.

one day....a friend of mine (who never knew my mother)...said to me...'i really don't think it's healthy...the way you still feel so powerfully about the loss of your mom' (she was very close to her father who had passed away years prior....but had dealt with his death 'properly').

i said to her "if your husband comes home tomorrow and says he's leaving....he's in love with someone else....or....if your house burned down.....and you lost your husband and children in the fire....and there's just you.....just you....with no home of your own....where would you go?"

to her mom's.
i made my point.

but she was right......i hadn't dealt with it...and it was unhealthy.


i didn't realize that I was loved unconditionally (by my husband)....until I told him that our money was all gone....and every credit card we had (and we had lots that he didn't know about) was maxed out..... and our bills were late...and...well...i didn't really KNOW what-all we owed.
it was a mess.
i was a mess.
and he was pissed.
but he stayed.
and he let ME stay LOL
and we worked it out......

you know.....even then.....there were other people in my life who loved me.

and now....there are even more.

and i was thinking lots about that.

i mean....yeah....there's aunts and uncles and brothers and my husband...and life long friends....

but i have many NEW friends too.

and I was thinking about why that it came to be.....

I think.....that learning to REALLY really CARE about what's going on with other people.....makes them respond in kind.
I think.....that when you share yourself....confess the things that you are most ashamed of.....really BE who you really ARE with frees them up to do the same.

I think.....that if we want to HAVE friends....we need to learn how to BE friends.

I think.....I have many big one is that I neglect to keep in touch like I should. I think of people I care about far more often than they will ever know.....they should know.

But....I know.....that when I am in need....I have people to call on.....and I know that my friends feel the same way about me....

I'm here when it counts.

knowing this....that I am an important part of my 'being ok'......

the thing is.....there were lots of people in my corner....even before I was aware of it.

becoming aware of it....makes it a reality FOR ME.


1 comment:

Julie said...

This blog brought me to tears as I read....trying to think of "Who's in my corner". I could come up with no one other than my husband and two of my children.

I have many people who care about me that I have never met face to face. However, in a time of need there is not one person outside of the above that I could call on and know that they would be there for me.

Alone is too much of that is tied into my addiction?