Problem Gambling Awareness Video

Some informative videos on Youtube:

Part 1: Problem Gambling Awareness

Part 2: Problem Gambling Awareness

Part 3: Problem Gambling Awareness


Recovery is possible.

For any of us.

Anger/Resentments

I had an epiphany today.

Thinking about emotions…thinking about anger....thinking about step 4.

Step 4 is - Made a searching and fearless moral and financial inventory of ourselves.

I wrote about Step 4 previously here.

I have had two powerful experiences due to working this step….which is about getting down to the causes and conditions of our resentments.

I was thinking today…about the anger that I felt this weekend…and how now, it is gone.

I was thinking about a friend who hurt me a while back…I was very angry…but this person made amends…and the anger is gone.

And it hit me....Step 4 is not about anger.

It is about RESENTMENTS (well…that’s one part of it)….ANGER is an emotion… a RESENTMENT is when we are unable to let go of the anger.

have discovered that when I THINK I just don’t like someone…there is always a reason…a cause….discovering this reason….in the past, has revealed things to me about myself, and have allowed me to let the resentment go…or….has ‘lifted’ the resentment … I didn’t have to try to let it go…it just…went.

So anger is ok then…it is a feeling…feelings aren’t good or bad..they are just mine.

Stuffing feelings is bad….stuffing anger leads to resentments…

Gambler’s Anonymous says this is an emotional illness.

It’s hard to believe I’ve lived this long and understand so little about my emotions….I have ignored them for so long.

Daring to Feel

That was pretty big for me.
Huge, really.

The ‘feeling’ entry of yesterday…I mean…get real, right?
None of those things are REAL problems.
None of that was a big deal at all…and I knew it.
I knew it EVEN while it was happening.
Soooooo
I tried to calm myself…to avoid feeling anxiety and that awful disconnectedness…. That ‘fragmented’ feeling that I sometimes have when my world is not honky-dory.
Yet…still acknowledge…that I was feeling.

I grew up seeing children who had been neglected or abused…orphans…I have seen children who have experienced things that were beyond my comprehension..then and now.
So as a child…no matter what ever happened to me…no matter how painful it was…I still had my mom and dad. I was still safe and loved…How dare I complain?
How dare I feel sorry for myself?
Or sad even?
My life was pretty good….REALLY good compared to many…I mean…we didn’t have a whole lot…but we didn’t do without anything that we needed…how dare I?

When I was a teenager we had a house fire and my bedroom was destroyed…all of my wordly possessions were destroyed…I was devastated..but then…how dare I?

My parents divorced…and for a while…we were pretty poor..and sometimes DID do without…STILL…how dare I?

I found myself in a loveless marriage…again…what did I have to complain about??? Compared to others…

One night I was beaten by my first husband…when I was able to get away, I ran, and I never looked back. I was frightened and angry…geez…I’m not even sure of all that I felt…because…as bad as it was…it wasn’t THAT bad.

My mom got sick…and died. I was devastated. She was my best friend….she was only 52…I was a young mother…I NEEDED her…still….I have seen very young children without their mothers…how dare I complain?

On and on and on

No matter how bad it is….there are always worse circumstances….so I minimize what I feel…whatever it is…it isn’t worthy..or isn’t worthy ENOUGH.

No matter what I don’t have…I have so much.

But

That doesn’t change the way I FEEL.
Ignoring or suppressing my feelings….doesn’t make them go away.

When I typed about my bedroom catching fire…I began to cry…thirty years later!!! Because…I still have not allowed myself to grieve.

So yesterday was huge for me…I knew that it wasn’t big…I KNOW big…I KNOW pain…I know the pain of wanting to die….I DO know pain…so I KNEW it wasn’t that big…but…

I dared…to allow myself to feel it anyway.

I am better today.

All is well.

Feelings

Feelings are funny things.

Ya know, when I wake from a dream...WHATEVER feelings I was having in the dream...fear, joy, anger, sorrow..whatEVER it is...I have a hard time shaking the feeling even after I wake up.

Even after I KNOW it was just a dream...it wasn't real...even though it doesn't make ANY sense at all to feel angry or sad or fearful about something that didn't even HAPPEN...I still do???

what's up with that?

Well...I had a pretty rough weekend...nothing TERRIBLE really...just tons of little things...

first..I didn't get paid last week like I'd expected to, so I didn't have grocery money...AND it didn't help that I'd splurged on a few items for myself recently....I mean...if I HAD been paid (like I SHOULD have been) it all would have been fine...but...I didn't...so it WASN'T fine...and I always know it's a POSSIBILITY that I won't be paid when I expect to....so, it was irresponsible of me...AGAIN.

once again...my husband came to the rescue.

my son and I took a ride in a car that my husband brought home for me to check out...and one of us must've done SOMETHING because the next morning the battery was dead AND for some reason the key would not MANUALLY open the door...my husband was thrilled.

It is still locked and dead.

Then...we need a sitter for some upcoming events and he wants ME to get with his mom about watching the kids.
It gets complicated.
I cannot do it.
I have...on occasion...but...it is very difficult for me...awkward....
so I got angry, then he got nasty blah blah blah.

ok...so I'm angry...I step 4 it and I can see my part...but I'm still angry...I KNOW how wonderful he is...how well he treats me..yet I'm still angry....
I ask myself...'how big is it?' and i know it's not very...but I cannot shake it....I don't even WANT to be angry...yet I am...still.

so my step 4 wasn't sufficient...causes and conditions...I need to get to the root of it...
and
I need to keep working on me.

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Anger is never without a reason, but seldom with a good one. -- Benjamin Franklin

If I Had My Life To Live Over

by Erma Bombeck

The following was written by the late Erma Bombeck after she found out that she had cancer.

If I had my life to live over, I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television - and more while watching life.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."

There would have been more "I love you's".. More "I'm sorrys" ...

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute... look at it and really see it ... live it...and never give it back.

© Erma Bombeck

Suffering

Life is hard.
Life is not fair.

Why is it that I believe I should not suffer?
Or
That people that I am close to…that I love, should not suffer?

We will all die.
We will all lose people that we love…and we will grieve.
We will likely experience much suffering aside from that.

I there anyone who does not suffer?

Can you imagine…what that person might be like? The person who lived a life without suffering?

Paris Hilton comes to mind…but then..she recently went to jail, didn’t she? I recall tears.

Surely, that does not compare to the suffering that some other humans have endured…but can we really compare our suffering? And…even if we can…what’s the point?

Whether someone else suffers more or less than I do…what does it mean?

It means…their life is different than mine…their journey is different from mine.

Everyone’s is.

Suffering.

I have done my share.

When I am in the midst of my pain, I really do not want to hear things like ‘he/she is in a better place’ or ‘he/she is not suffering any more’ or ‘it was for the best’ or ‘everything happens for a reason’.

When I am suffering, those one-liners piss me off. I don’t CARE if it’s for the best or if there is a reason or if ANYTHING….things are NOT the way I WANT them to BE.

So there it is.

The source of my suffering.

Things are not the way I want them to be.

Only when I am not in the midst of my pain am I able to see that....do I dare say it?.....that....suffering offers the gift of growth.

So….the end to suffering is…letting go??? Letting go of control…or of TRYING to control things that are beyond my control??? Acceptance??

I think so.
At least, that is what I think today.

I am doing this successfully…or at least PRETTY successfully in my life lately…but I have only had to ‘let go’ of small, day to day issues….

When that other shoe DOES drop….we will see…. To what degree I will be able to LIVE what I am learning.

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As I started to picture the trees in the storm, the answer began to dawn on me. The trees in the storm don't try to stand up straight and tall and erect. They allow themselves to bend and be blown with the wind. They understand the power of letting go. Those trees and those branches that try too hard to stand up strong and straight are the ones that break. Now is not the time for you to be strong, Julia, or you, too, will break.-- Julia Butterfly Hill

Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop

I’ve been thinking…how easy it’s been…I mean..my LIFE has been easy lately…no tragedy…no heartbreak…the stress that I’ve encountered is minimal (although the OLD peg would’ve blown it out of proportion).

I am starting to get nervous.

I KNOW that that is RIDICULOUS and I KNOW that being present in this moment would take care of that…I do not have to worry about something going wrong….I don’t even know WHAT I am worried about? Just that….something will happen.

Funny..there are times in my life when I just feel like…I am so so fortunate…my life is so wonderful and easy…and I almost feel GUILTY that things are so ‘good’.

Then

There are those times…when… it just feels like..I will suffer forever… that EVERYTHING (bad) seems to happen to me…and one after the other after the other I am bombarded with tragedy…or at least grave difficulty…. that the pain that I have to endure is not fair, is not bearable, and will be unending.

OK…the guilt is gone…yes…I have had my share of cr*p….but not today.... today is good…and I will enjoy it…..

I deserve it.

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We don’t always get what we deserve, and we should be grateful for that. -- My Grammy

Have a Plan

In recovery, we repeatedly hear that we should take it ‘one day at a time’ and ‘stay in the moment’…

But that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t PLAN for the future….the things that we do in this moment WILL affect our tomorrow….we SHOULD plan..and prepare…just not WORRY about things that we have no CONTROL over right now…

I find that I ALWAYS do better with a plan – I don’t always HAVE one…but I should.

Long ago, I was at a g.a. meeting…and I KNEW that when I left that meeting I was going to gamble. It was strange…usually, when I was in a meeting…I was lifted…and began feeling stronger, empowered..but this day…I didn’t…I had gotten myself into a bind…I had spent money that wasn’t mine to spend and was supposed to take my children to a movie….I didn’t have money for that either. I had a ring with me…a ring I hadn’t worn in years and would never wear again…it was not from my husband….and I needed the cash. I had never pawned anything before…but I would today….but…I knew that…as soon as I got this cash…I was going to gamble.

Soooooooo when it was my turn to share…I said it.

That saved me.

After the meeting a few people stayed to talk to me….and that day I got my first temporary sponsor….but…I got a few other suggestions as well….one of them was…HAVE A PLAN….and don’t let gambling be a part of it.

See…that day…when I left my house…my plan was to go to the meeting, then to the pawn shop, then to play video poker…and the plan was to not spend ALL of the ring money gambling…and to take my kids to the movies AND to replace the money that I’d gambled that wasn’t mine.

That’s why I KNEW I was gonna gamble when I left that meeting…it was in my PLAN.

So…one of the people that spoke to me after the meeting suggested that…from now on… I not leave the house without a written list…that had a detailed PLAN of every stop that I would make…everything that I would do that day….and not to diverge from the plan….no distractions…STICK TO THE PLAN.

That helped me.
(by the way….I did not gamble that afternoon…or for the next twenty months)

But a plan ALWAYS helps me…

If I have a written list of things that I will do today, I am much more likely to accomplish them.

I recently started a list entitled ‘Things I want to do before I Die’.

I am excited about the things that I have put on the list already….I am pretty confident that, unless I die sometime soon, I am going to do these things….I am also pretty sure that…if I hadn’t started this list…given it thought..and written it down….I almost certainly would not have.


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Success means doing the best we can with what we have. Success is the doing, not the getting; in the trying, not the triumph. Success is a personal standard, reaching for the highest that is in us, becoming all that we can be. – Zig Zigler

Will things get better if I stop gambling?

Life is not fair.
Life is not easy.

Many people think that once they stop gambling…all of their pain will just go away…

The fact is…life was probably not a bed of roses BEFORE we started gambling..so why should it be when we stop?

Besides…

There are likely consequences to be faced….these things do not just go away.

BUT

I KNOW..for a FACT…that if I had stopped gambling two months before I did stop….things wouldn’t have been as bad….and if I had stopped gambling six months before that…things would have been quite a bit better….or even six months before THAT…wouldn’t THAT have been nice.

The thing is…when we stop gambling…it doesn’t necessarily FEEL better….sometimes it feels like CRAP. Well…it does for some people…I have experienced it both ways…the first time I stopped gambling I did NOT feel better…my WORLD was crashing in..and I was sometimes resentful that I was doing the RIGHT THING…and I WASN’t gambling…yet…I was still being punished (consequences).

This time…well…my whole gambling experience was different this time..including how and why I stopped..but this time…I just felt RELIEF…and after a few days…once I realized I had broken free…JOY…I was…well…it’s not easy to describe…and I suppose it’s not necessary…one either stops gambling and has that experience or stops gambling and does not.

But…

When I stopped gambling BOTH times…things began to get better….even when it is still painful….we are suffering the consequences from what we’ve done…we aren’t creating NEW consequences….we aren’t making things any worse.

These consequences are hard to face…it’s scary. The debt…what we’ve done to our relationships….how we’ve abandoned our principles…often…we do not even know who we are anymore…what do we like to do? How can we fill our time if we don’t gamble? We’ve been consumed by it…to the exclusion of everything else…so stopping gambling leaves a vacuum ….we have to figure out how to fill it…
We have to sit down…look at our debt…make a plan…we have to get responsible..we have to do a lot of cr*p that we just do NOT want to do.

If we don’t….

Six months from now…we will be wishing we had.

And if we DO….we will still have moments…days when we feel overwhelmed…times when we are angry, sad or afraid…but

Things WILL begin to improve…slowly….if we begin to change the way we THINK…and the way we live.

It may take time for things to get better….but….if we do not gamble…and things will be better in three months…or six months or five years……we might say I cannot do this…that’s too long.

The thing is….three months…or six months…or five years is going to pass anyway…and right now…we can choose if things will be better then…or not.

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Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude. --Thomas Jefferson

Doing what I should do.

The clock in my car is an hour fast.

Daylight savings time ended on November 4, 2007…and I haven’t turned back the clocks.

Just because I KNOW what I should do…doesn’t mean I DO what I should do.

Why is that?

I *AM* getting better…DOING better….being more responsible….at least, a LITTLE more.

I am, once again, barely scraping by financially…waiting for payday…BUT…I haven’t overdrawn my account in a while…and I (pretty much) know what my bank balance is most of the time.

That’s better.

I haven’t missed an appointment in a long long time…oh…not true…I did miss one recently…but…it was on an exam day, just before Christmas…hectic time…it was an honest mistake that even a ‘normal’ person might make.

Doing much better there too.

Generally, I am able to cope…with whatever comes my way…I *DO* occasionally ‘lose it’ with my boys…but….teenager’s will do that to ya.

I’ll allow myself that…occasionally.

I’ve stopped smoking.
I’ve begun (barely) to de-clutter my home.
I am getting better (a wee bit) at being present.

Geez… I’m feeling a somewhat better…started out writing this, thinking of all the things that I know I SHOULD do but don’t…but I AM getting SOME things done.

OK…so my SHOULD do list is still quite long…but little by little…I am making progress.

Not sure if I should change that clock tho….we’re kind of used to it….if I turn it back now, we’ll likely be an hour late for everything we do…for a while.

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If you always think the way you have always thought
you will always feel how you always felt
And if you always feel how you always felt
Then you will always do what you have always done
If you always do what you have always done
Then you will always get what you have always gotten
If you always get what you always got
Then you will always think how you always thought.

Cross-Addiction

This subject has come up a few times in conversations I’ve had over the past few days.

Some people enter recovery with multiple addictions…many people develop new addictions while abstaining from their primary addiction.

When I gamble..physical things occur…

But

My problem…is not gambling….PHYSICALLY…my problem, is now addiction.

Once we become an addict we are very sensitive (perhaps we always were) to other substances and activities that stimulate the brain in similar ways…to the brain…a drug is a drug is a drug

There are many people in g.a. meetings who are also members of a.a., n.a. or other _.a. groups.

I know that MY alcohol consumption has changed since I have been in recovery.

In years past I didn’t drink very often…but…when I did..I was on a mission…I was going to have a BLAST…I was going to get drunk and I knew it…

As I said…I didn’t do it very often…and I never had CRAVINGS for alcohol…but I HAVE had episodes where I don’t really recall what happened….I have been known to over-do it.

So….hearing about cross-addictions was important to my recovery….I knew that I was in danger…I don’t think I’ve crossed a line with alcohol just yet…but….if I am not careful.

I still drink….but I limit my consumption…and I have stopped smoking as well….I also think that I could easily fall into trouble with prescription drugs if I am not careful…..so I am careful….

I want the addict in me…

To lie dormant…

Or even…to die.

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It is easy to be wise after the event. - English Proverb

How We Get Addicted

From Time Magazine...at http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1640436,00.html

By Michael D. Lemonick July 5, 2007

I was driving up the Massachusetts Turnpike one evening last February when I knocked over a bottle of water. I grabbed for it, swerved inadvertently--and a few seconds later found myself blinking into the flashlight beam of a state trooper. "How much have you had to drink tonight, sir?" he demanded. Before I could help myself, I blurted out an answer that was surely a new one to him. "I haven't had a drink," I said indignantly, "since 1981."

It was both perfectly true and very pertinent to the trip I was making. By the time I reached my late 20s, I'd poured down as much alcohol as normal people consume in a lifetime and plenty of drugs--mostly pot--as well. I was, by any reasonable measure, an active alcoholic. Fortunately, with a lot of help, I was able to stop. And now I was on my way to McLean Hospital in Belmont, Mass., to have my brain scanned in a functional magnetic-resonance imager (fMRI). The idea was to see what the inside of my head looked like after more than a quarter-century on the wagon.Back when I stopped drinking, such an experiment would have been unimaginable. At the time, the medical establishment had come to accept the idea that alcoholism was a disease rather than a moral failing; the American Medical Association (AMA) had said so in 1950. But while it had all the hallmarks of other diseases, including specific symptoms and a predictable course, leading to disability or even death, alcoholism was different. Its physical basis was a complete mystery--and since nobody forced alcoholics to drink, it was still seen, no matter what the AMA said, as somehow voluntary. Treatment consisted mostly of talk therapy, maybe some vitamins and usually a strong recommendation to join Alcoholics Anonymous. Although it's a totally nonprofessional organization, founded in 1935 by an ex-drunk and an active drinker, AA has managed to get millions of people off the bottle, using group support and a program of accumulated folk wisdom.

While AA is astonishingly effective for some people, it doesn't work for everyone; studies suggest it succeeds about 20% of the time, and other forms of treatment, including various types of behavioral therapy, do no better. The rate is much the same with drug addiction, which experts see as the same disorder triggered by a different chemical. "The sad part is that if you look at where addiction treatment was 10 years ago, it hasn't gotten much better," says Dr. Martin Paulus, a professor of psychiatry at the University of California at San Diego. "You have a better chance to do well after many types of cancer than you have of recovering from methamphetamine dependence.

"That could all be about to change. During those same 10 years, researchers have made extraordinary progress in understanding the physical basis of addiction. They know now, for example, that the 20% success rate can shoot up to 40% if treatment is ongoing (very much the AA model, which is most effective when members continue to attend meetings long after their last drink). Armed with an array of increasingly sophisticated technology, including fMRIs and PET scans, investigators have begun to figure out exactly what goes wrong in the brain of an addict--which neurotransmitting chemicals are out of balance and what regions of the brain are affected. They are developing a more detailed understanding of how deeply and completely addiction can affect the brain, by hijacking memory-making processes and by exploiting emotions. Using that knowledge, they've begun to design new drugs that are showing promise in cutting off the craving that drives an addict irresistibly toward relapse--the greatest risk facing even the most dedicated abstainer.

"Addictions," says Joseph Frascella, director of the division of clinical neuroscience at the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA), "are repetitive behaviors in the face of negative consequences, the desire to continue something you know is bad for you."

Addiction is such a harmful behavior, in fact, that evolution should have long ago weeded it out of the population: if it's hard to drive safely under the influence, imagine trying to run from a saber-toothed tiger or catch a squirrel for lunch. And yet, says Dr. Nora Volkow, director of NIDA and a pioneer in the use of imaging to understand addiction, "the use of drugs has been recorded since the beginning of civilization. Humans in my view will always want to experiment with things to make them feel good."

That's because drugs of abuse co-opt the very brain functions that allowed our distant ancestors to survive in a hostile world. Our minds are programmed to pay extra attention to what neurologists call salience--that is, special relevance. Threats, for example, are highly salient, which is why we instinctively try to get away from them. But so are food and sex because they help the individual and the species survive. Drugs of abuse capitalize on this ready-made programming. When exposed to drugs, our memory systems, reward circuits, decision-making skills and conditioning kick in--salience in overdrive--to create an all consuming pattern of uncontrollable craving. "Some people have a genetic predisposition to addiction," says Volkow. "But because it involves these basic brain functions, everyone will become an addict if sufficiently exposed to drugs or alcohol."

That can go for nonchemical addictions as well. Behaviors, from gambling to shopping to sex, may start out as habits but slide into addictions. Sometimes there might be a behavior-specific root of the problem. Volkow's research group, for example, has shown that pathologically obese people who are compulsive eaters exhibit hyperactivity in the areas of the brain that process food stimuli--including the mouth, lips and tongue. For them, activating these regions is like opening the floodgates to the pleasure center. Almost anything deeply enjoyable can turn into an addiction, though.

Of course, not everyone becomes an addict. That's because we have other, more analytical regions that can evaluate consequences and override mere pleasure seeking. Brain imaging is showing exactly how that happens. Paulus, for example, looked at methamphetamine addicts enrolled in a VA hospital's intensive four-week rehabilitation program. Those who were more likely to relapse in the first year after completing the program were also less able to complete tasks involving cognitive skills and less able to adjust to new rules quickly. This suggested that those patients might also be less adept at using analytical areas of the brain while performing decision-making tasks. Sure enough, brain scans showed that there were reduced levels of activation in the prefrontal cortex, where rational thought can override impulsive behavior. It's impossible to say if the drugs might have damaged these abilities in the relapsers--an effect rather than a cause of the chemical abuse--but the fact that the cognitive deficit existed in only some of the meth users suggests that there was something innate that was unique to them. To his surprise, Paulus found that 80% to 90% of the time, he could accurately predict who would relapse within a year simply by examining the scans.

Another area of focus for researchers involves the brain's reward system, powered largely by the neurotransmitter dopamine. Investigators are looking specifically at the family of dopamine receptors that populate nerve cells and bind to the compound. The hope is that if you can dampen the effect of the brain chemical that carries the pleasurable signal, you can loosen the drug's hold.

One particular group of dopamine receptors, for example, called D3, seems to multiply in the presence of cocaine, methamphetamine and nicotine, making it possible for more of the drug to enter and activate nerve cells. "Receptor density is thought to be an amplifier," says Frank Vocci, director of pharmacotherapies at NIDA. "[Chemically] blocking D3 interrupts an awful lot of the drugs' effects. It is probably the hottest target in modulating the reward system."

But just as there are two ways to stop a speeding car--by easing off the gas or hitting the brake pedal--there are two different possibilities for muting addiction. If dopamine receptors are the gas, the brain's own inhibitory systems act as the brakes. In addicts, this natural damping circuit, called GABA (gamma-aminobutyric acid), appears to be faulty. Without a proper chemical check on excitatory messages set off by drugs, the brain never appreciates that it's been satiated.

As it turns out, vigabatrin, an antiepilepsy treatment that is marketed in 60 countries (but not yet in the U.S.), is an effective GABA booster. In epileptics, vigabatrin suppresses overactivated motor neurons that cause muscles to contract and go into spasm. Hoping that enhancing GABA in the brains of addicts could help them control their drug cravings, two biotech companies in the U.S., Ovation Pharmaceuticals and Catalyst Pharmaceuticals, are studying the drug's effect on methamphetamine and cocaine use. So far, in animals, vigabatrin prevents the breakdown of GABA so that more of the inhibitory compound can be stored in whole form in nerve cells. That way, more of it could be released when those cells are activated by a hit from a drug. Says Vocci, optimistically: "If it works, it will probably work on all addictions."

Another fundamental target for addiction treatments is the stress network. Animal studies have long shown that stress can increase the desire for drugs. In rats trained to self-administer a substance, stressors such as a new environment, an unfamiliar cage mate or a change in daily routine push the animals to depend on the substance even more.

Among higher creatures like us, stress can also alter the way the brain thinks, particularly the way it contemplates the consequences of actions. Recall the last time you found yourself in a stressful situation--when you were scared, nervous or threatened. Your brain tuned out everything besides whatever it was that was frightening you--the familiar fight-or-flight mode. "The part of the prefrontal cortex that is involved in deliberative cognition is shut down by stress," says Vocci. "It's supposed to be, but it's even more inhibited in substance abusers." A less responsive prefrontal cortex sets up addicts to be more impulsive as well.

Hormones--of the male-female kind--may play a role in how people become addicted as well. Studies have shown, for instance, that women may be more vulnerable to cravings for nicotine during the latter part of the menstrual cycle, when the egg emerges from the follicle and the hormones progesterone and estrogen are released. "The reward systems of the brain have different sensitivities at different points in the cycle," notes Volkow. "There is way greater craving during the later phase."That led researchers to wonder about other biological differences in the way men and women become addicted and, significantly, respond to treatments. Alcohol dependence is one very promising area. For years, researchers had documented the way female alcoholics tend to progress more rapidly to alcoholism than men. This telescoping effect, they now know, has a lot to do with the way women metabolize alcohol. Females are endowed with less alcohol dehydrogenase--the first enzyme in the stomach lining that starts to break down the ethanol in liquor--and less total body water than men. Together with estrogen, these factors have a net concentrating effect on the alcohol in the blood, giving women a more intense hit with each drink. The pleasure from that extreme high may be enough for some women to feel satisfied and therefore drink less. For others, the intense intoxication is so enjoyable that they try to duplicate the experience over and over.

But it's the brain, not the gut, that continues to get most of the attention, and one of the biggest reasons is technology. It was in 1985 that Volkow first began using PET scans to record trademark characteristics in the brains and nerve cells of chronic drug abusers, including blood flow, dopamine levels and glucose metabolism--a measure of how much energy is being used and where (and therefore a stand-in for figuring out which cells are at work). After the subjects had been abstinent a year, Volkow rescanned their brains and found that they had begun to return to their predrug state. Good news, certainly, but only as far as it goes.

"The changes induced by addiction do not just involve one system," says Volkow. "There are some areas in which the changes persist even after two years." One area of delayed rebound involves learning. Somehow in methamphetamine abusers, the ability to learn some new things remained affected after 14 months of abstinence. "Does treatment push the brain back to normal," asks NIDA's Frascella, "or does it push it back in different ways?"

If the kind of damage that lingers in an addict's learning abilities also hangs on in behavioral areas, this could explain why rehabilitation programs that rely on cognitive therapy--teaching new ways to think about the need for a substance and the consequences of using it--may not always be effective, especially in the first weeks and months after getting clean. "Therapy is a learning process," notes Vocci. "We are trying to get [addicts] to change cognition and behavior at a time when they are least able to do so."

One important discovery: evidence is building to support the 90-day rehabilitation model, which was stumbled upon by AA (new members are advised to attend a meeting a day for the first 90 days) and is the duration of a typical stint in a drug-treatment program. It turns out that this is just about how long it takes for the brain to reset itself and shake off the immediate influence of a drug. Researchers at Yale University have documented what they call the sleeper effect--a gradual re-engaging of proper decision making and analytical functions in the brain's prefrontal cortex--after an addict has abstained for at least 90 days.

This work has led to research on cognitive enhancers, or compounds that may amplify connections in the prefrontal cortex to speed up the natural reversal. Such enhancement would give the higher regions of the brain a fighting chance against the amygdala, a more basal region that plays a role in priming the dopamine-reward system when certain cues suggest imminent pleasure--anything from the sight of white powder that looks like cocaine to spending time with friends you used to drink with. It's that conditioned reflex--identical to the one that caused Ivan Pavlov's famed dog to salivate at the ringing of a bell after it learned to associate the sound with food--that unleashes a craving. And it's that phenomenon that was the purpose of my brain scans at McLean, one of the world's premier centers for addiction research.

In my heyday, I would often drink even when I knew it was a terrible idea--and the urge was hardest to resist when I was with my drinking buddies, hearing the clink of glasses and bottles, seeing others imbibe and smelling the aroma of wine or beer. The researchers at McLean have invented a machine that wafts such odors directly into the nostrils of a subject undergoing an MRI scan in order to see how the brain reacts. The reward circuitry in the brain of a newly recovering alcoholic should light up like a Christmas tree when stimulated by one of these alluring smells.

I chose dark beer, my absolute favorite, from their impressive stock. But I haven't gotten high for more than a quarter-century; it was an open question whether I would react that way. So after an interview with a staff psychiatrist to make sure I would be able to handle it if I experienced a craving, I was fitted with a tube that carried beer aroma from a vaporizer into my nose. I was then slid into the machine to inhale that still familiar odor while the MRI did its work.

Even if the smells triggered a strong desire to drink, I had long since learned ways to talk myself out of it--or find someone to help me do so. Like the 90-day drying-out period that turns out to parallel the brain's recovery cycle, such a strategy is in line with other new theories of addiction. Scientists say extinguishing urges is not a matter of getting the feelings to fade but of helping the addict learn a new form of conditioning, one that allows the brain's cognitive power to shout down the amygdala and other lower regions. "What has to happen for that cue to extinguish is not for the amygdala to become weaker but for the frontal cortex to become stronger," says Vocci.

While such relearning has not been studied formally in humans, Vocci believes it will work, on the basis of studies involving, of all things, phobias. It turns out that phobias and drugs exploit the same struggle between high and low circuits in the brain. People placed in a virtual-reality glass elevator and treated with the antibiotic D-cycloserine were better able to overcome their fear of heights than those without benefit of the drug. Says Vocci: "I never thought we would have drugs that affect cognition in such a specific way."

Such surprises have even allowed experts to speculate whether addiction can ever be cured. That notion goes firmly against current beliefs. A rehabilitated addict is always in recovery because cured suggests that resuming drinking or smoking or shooting up is a safe possibility--whose downside could be devastating. But there are hints that a cure might not in principle be impossible. A recent study showed that tobacco smokers who suffered a stroke that damaged the insula (a region of the brain involved in emotional, gut-instinct perceptions) no longer felt a desire for nicotine.

That's exciting, but because the insula is so critical to other brain functions--perceiving danger, anticipating threats--damaging this area isn't something you would ever want to do intentionally. With so many of the brain's systems entangled with one another, it could prove impossible to adjust just one without throwing the others into imbalance.

Nevertheless, says Volkow, "addiction is a medical condition. We have to recognize that medications can reverse the pathology of the disease. We have to force ourselves to think about a cure because if we don't, it will never happen." Still, she is quick to admit that just contemplating new ideas doesn't make them so. The brain functions that addiction commandeers may simply be so complex that sufferers, as 12-step recovery programs have emphasized for decades, never lose their vulnerability to their drug of choice, no matter how healthy their brains might eventually look.

I'm probably a case in point. My brain barely lit up in response to the smell of beer inside the fMRI at McLean. "This is actually valuable information for you as an individual," said Scott Lukas, director of the hospital's behavioral psychopharmacology research laboratory and a professor at Harvard Medical School who ran the tests. "It means that your brain's sensitivity to beer cues has long passed."That's in keeping with my real-world experience; if someone has a beer at dinner, I don't feel a compulsion to leap across the table and grab it or even to order one for myself. Does that mean I'm cured? Maybe. But it may also mean simply that it would take a much stronger trigger for me to fall prey to addiction again--like, for example, downing a glass of beer. But the last thing I intend to do is put it to the test. I've seen too many others try it--with horrifying results. [This article contains a complex diagram. Please see hardcopy or pdf.] With reporting by Alice Park

Will I always be addicted?

The short answer for me is yes ---

this compulsive gambling thing is not about bad behavior... it LOOKS like it is because once we are in it..we do bad things...we do worse and worse things...in order to remain active in the addiction...

the things that I have not done to gamble? In G.A. they say "you haven't done it YET" and I strongly believe that...

there are many things that I am pretty sure I would NEVER do..
but you know what?
I never thought I'd do some of the things I've already done!

Anyway...there are physical changes that take place in the brain when we gamble having to do with the reward center in the brain....chemicals are released that make us feel GOOD.... a small percentage of people who gamble...continue to do so..for that affect (having NO idea that this is the beginning of an addiction)...and USUALLY....those people do not stop until they are in a lot of pain.

At least *I* was before I sought help.

When I pull myself out of the cycle....like now...I feel NORMAL...I do not struggle with urges (I do believe that so much of this recovery stuff is about how we THINK....THINKING affects our brain chemistry too)...today, I do not FEEL sick...I do not WANT to gamble...I am FINE...in every sense of the word.

But I am still an addict.

So what does that mean?

It means that my brain is now conditioned to respond to gambling in a certain way...

It means...I cannot gamble.

That's it.

I can do anything else in the world....

I can swim, skydive, eat a chocolate pie, take a trip, call an old friend, read a book -- I can do ANYTHING I want to....

but I cannot gamble.

or at least....

I cannot gamble without some pretty serious consequences.

I'm ok with that

I can NEVER get there

There was a time when, if I had found myself reading a blog like this, I would have thought...I can not do it.

I can not stop...and even if I can stop...I can never be OK again.

To think that I could never gamble again made my future appear so bleak and boring and...well I simply couldn't do it anyway.


It's a lie.


There is a part of us...that 'addictive voice' that wants us to remain active in our addiction at all costs....it will tell us all sorts of things....it might say:


it's ok because we aren't hurting anyone (other than ourselves)

we DESERVE it (because of greif or loneliness or boredom or or or or)

we can win money...and pay down some of this debt

or...we can win money....to buy food...or pay the house note

or...if we can never gamble again...we will be miserable....

we simply can not stop.

Hello?

Call that voice what it is...a LIAR.


Even if the only person we are hurting is ourself...is that OK??? if you think it is...you are hearing your addictive voice...trying, once again to justify the unjustifiable.

deserve it? as if it's a REWARD???

that is an illusion.

we can get money? to do something productive with? many of us have done this...a few times...but seriously....if we are in desperate need of money....we probably are beyond that point that we can stop gambling when we are ahead...if someone is reading this blog..and is thinking...i can not be happy if i can not gamble....then...the likelihood of gambling in order to get money (and stopping when one has it) is slim.

if we can never gamble again..we will be miserable.


i have been through considerable pain in my life.

The heights of my misery...was when I was gambling.

The depths of my misery were fathomless.

so

back in those days... when I came across people who are compulsive gamblers, who had broken free and were living 'regular' lives....a part of me said 'I can never be like that' but then...another part of me....had hope...I would listen to their stories..and....wow...some of them sounded just like me...some of them sounded like their misery had even been worse than mine...and...they were smiling? seemed normal?

back then...i pretty much cried most of the time.

but I had hope....these people broke free...and so...I started..counting days...and whenever I would tell people how many days I had, they would congratulate me.

it's weird how...not gambling can seem like a huge feat and a small one at the same time?????

just getting through one day without gambling can be so HUGE...GIGANTIC...we feel like yelling it from the mountain tops GUESS WHAT I DID EVERYONE....CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

but then....to be congratulated on a few days clean...or a few weeks made me feel silly...there were people with months and years...now THAT is something to celebrate....

but I thought I could never get there

it was too far off....the 30 days...90 days...six month mark....so far away

it would be FOREVER before my couple of days...or weeks even..would be a six month milestone.....FOREVER.

ya know...i don't exercise because I know that it'll take me a couple of months to look the way I want to look.

did you hear that?

what sort of sense does that make?

The fact is....a couple of months is going to be here.

a couple of months is going to pass whether I exercise or not.

so the question is....when a couple of months gets here...am I gonna look the way I want to or not?

and all i have to do to look the way I want...is to exercise today?

I can do just one day.

***

You may also be interested in Counting Days

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Our goals can only be reached through a vehicle of a plan, in which we must fervently believe, and upon which we must vigorously act. There is no other route to success.--Stephen A. Brennan

*Make one day your goal.--Peg

How I treat myself

I have this thing about how we treat people…how we ALL treat one another..but..I can only control myself…so that is what I focus on.

For example…if a friend was visiting at my home..and I wanted her to do something for me…hand me something..move something…take out the garbage..ANYTHING…I would likely say “Would you mind taking out the garbage for me?” or “Can you please take out the garbage?”
So…why on earth would I say to my child, one of the human beings that I care most about on this planet…why on earth would I say to them “Go take out the garbage.”

Well…I don’t…I wouldn’t…at least…not until the third time I have to say it (they usually don’t move until I am screaming and steam is shooting out of my ears….which is why, more than likely, people do not speak to their children in the same way they speak to their friends!).

But that’s just one example...

Another illustration using my children.... because they are often the source of my frustrations…

I was picking up my son from school the other day…and..as I was approaching the school I was already getting upset with him…recalling our conversation of the morning…but then I thought…STOP….if I were picking up my NIECE right now…EVEN if she had irritated me the last time we were together….how would I greet her?

So when he entered the car, I smiled and said “How was your day honey?”

Then….I am active on several forums…support groups…and the way we talk to one another there….we are so so kind…so supportive..so helpful to one another.

But then

Look at the way we talk about ourselves …I am so stupid…weak…hate myself....beyond help

When someone ELSE posts that…we encourage them…tell them it’s not true…try to lift them….but when it’s us???

Why are we not kinder to ourselves?

The next time that I am feeling angry or anxious or worried or inadequate….I will talk to myself….as if I were talking to you :)

Is my recovery good enough?

Am I ok?

This recovery stuff is tricky.

There have been times when I wanted reassurance that my recovery was ‘good’…that I was ‘safe’ and I needed to hear (from someone I considered an ‘authority’) that what I was doing would suffice.

The thing is…how would they know? How would ANYONE know?

My recovery will look a little bit differently than anyone elses. I have my own set of issues, problems, beliefs and strengths…the things that may prove to be challenges in my recovery may be a breeze for some people….so how on earth would anyone else KNOW that I am doing everything that I need to do…to be ok?

And…even if they did…even if some individual could look at me and say ‘yes, you are doing exactly what you should be doing to assure that you will not become active in your addiction again’….even if that were a FACT…who’s to say that I would still be doing what is necessary next year or next month or even next week?

So…

The only one that know is ??? me?

That’s a scary thought….cuz….I have abstained in the past…and I was doing great…feeling wonderful…LIVING my life again….and I started changing what I was doing…or more accurately…stopping what I was doing (with regards to recovery).

And that was FINE.
It worked just fine for a while.
It worked

Until it didn’t.

If I decide that I am going to put this gambling stuff behind me and get on with my life (tried that before)…I need to acknowledge that my addictive voice is telling me this. I need to be aware.

If I pull back from my ‘friends in recovery’ ….if my participation in my fellowships begins to decrease……I need to be aware.

If I begin to minimize how bad I was..how bad my life was when I was in the cycle….I need to be aware.

If I begin to think I know it all…and do not remain open minded…I need to be aware.

I need to BEWARE.

Also.....No one can tell me that I’m doing it wrong….if it is working for ME…it is right for me…and when it isn’t working…..I will change it.

This is my life.
This is MY recovery.
If I am to have anything....I must have this.

So grateful today.....embracing my world.
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When God loves a creature he wants the creature to know the highest happiness and the deepest misery. He wants him to know all that being alive can bring. That is his best gift. There is no happiness save in understanding the whole.—Thornton Wilder

Why I choose not to gamble...

If I gamble, my mind goes into a ‘zone’ where my money and my time are meaningless. I become sort of hypnotized…drugged (dopamine) and cannot stop gambling.

I will neglect my job, my friends, my family…I will miss appointments…I will be late for or miss anything that might be on my schedule.

I will avoid telling people what I am doing….which means that I will isolate, and lie.

I do not gamble to get money….that is one of the lies that this addiction tells me…to get me to feed it….the truth is…I gamble TO GAMBLE.

That is why…it doesn’t matter what the odds are…it doesn’t matter how lucky I am….it doesn’t matter if I win thousands of dollars….I will, sooner or later….end up penniless…because I am not gambling to get money…I just want to keep going and going and going and going.

If I win
I will stay to gamble more.
If I lose
I will stay to gamble more.

I must not play because when I do, I cannot stop.

To gamble…..lies, isolating, loss of priorities, damage relationships, have to do without things that I could otherwise easily afford (financially)…

Or

I can live my life.

I deserve my life.
You deserve yours too.

It is not easy to break free from the cycle…it is d*mn hard…but it can be done..it *IS* being done…

It is not easy,
But it is worth it.

YOU are worth it.
It may not seem like it sometimes….that it is possible….or that you are worthy…but it is true…both are true.

I promise.
Never stop trying to stop.
There is hope.

Self talk

I am aware that many of us…
not many compulsive gamblers…
many HUMANS…regularly engage in negative self-talk…about how they look..or something they did…..there is much evidence regarding the power of positive thinking…supporting the theory that we should eliminate negative self talk (or turn it into positive affirmations of ourself)….fortunately, I do very little of this self-bashing.

Oh…I don’t think I’m great…there are things I’d like to change …I just don’t constantly berate myself about them.

Soooooo

Whenever the topic of ‘self talk’ comes up…I have automatically assumed that it’s not something I need to concern myself with…I get a pass on this one.

The fact is….while I may not have the ‘negative’ aspect to concern myself with…I have just recently come to realize that I just don’t shut up!

Ever!

I’ve got an energizer bunny in my head and it keeps talking and talking and talking…and I wasn’t even really AWARE of it….

Until

I tried to quiet it.

When I decided to give meditation a try….I would close my eyes..and try to think of nothing….nothing at all…no thoughts.

That is so HARD!

Ya know…I am compulsive about a lot of things….I have been since I was a child…I had no idea that I was a compulsive THINKER.

The thing is…I’m not really doing anything CONSTRUCTIVE with all of this thinking…it’s not even THINKING really…it’s just…chatter…constant chatter..and while I do, on occasion, use my thoughts to calm myself down…to relax….I am thinking that this constant yap yap yap HAS to contribute to my stress level….whether it’s negative or not….the ongoing noise does not have a comforting effect.

Many people say that meditation is relaxing.. but I usually do not feel relaxed afterwards…sometimes invigorated…more often than not, I feel exhausted (it takes a lot of energy to shut down all of this chatter)…but…even when it exhausts me…I get a sense of satisfaction….like…I have just finished doing something worthwhile.

There are so many things that I want to do…so many things that I need to learn….and…while I am better…I am soooo much better than I used to be….relaxing….learning how to self soothe is one of the kindest things that I am doing for myself.

So far.

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Through meditation and by giving full attention to one thing at a time, we can learn to direct attention where we choose. –Eknath Easwaran

The Depths of my misery were fathomless

My recovery evolves.

The g.a. meeting that I attend reads the combo book from cover to cover at the start of each meeting….that is a line in the combo book…THE line…the ONLY line that I could see..that made any sense at all to me for a long long time… “and the depths of their misery were fathomless”.

Hope? Joy? Dreamworld of a gambler? Roadblocks? Honesty, openmindedness and willingness??

I am telling you…I heard NOTHING…I could relate to NOTHING..except “the depths of their misery were fathomless?.

I knew misery…I knew fathomless misery.

I was living it.

I was drowning in debt.

I was so ashamed…I had never done anything like this before…I am not a rule breaker…I don’t want to disappoint people…I am RESPONSIBLE.

Who the hell had I become?

And how?

Incomprehensible….Fathomless…all of it was.

Some of what was in that little yellow book, I scoffed at …some of it just didn’t make much sense….but that one phrase…kept me coming back…I KNEW I was in the right place…. fathomless misery.

Then…one night….I was in a meeting…reading that book…and something that I had previously taken offense to….that did NOT apply to me…suddenly made sense….yes…it did..it DID make sense…and it was soo me…”a desire to have all the good things in life without any great effort on their part”.

And then….I kept hearing people in recovery talk about how we tend to ‘stuff’ our feelings and we need to learn how to ‘dump’ this stuff…to deal with our feelings, etc….so one night…I am in a meeting..reading that little yellow book….when another light bulb came on…”compulsive gambling is an emotional problem”.

I used to feel like…people in recovery don’t really TALK about what it all means…that the steps and recovery in general are mysterious things….but…I’m finding that the more that I learn..the more difficult it is to discuss…to find words.

That combo book wasn’t clear to me at first because it is a gradual process….this learning thing….it has to be….

You cannot teach a three year old who has never learned to count how to multiply fractions…first…they must learn to count whole numbers….then addiction…subtraction…multiplication….decimals and fractions….it is a PROCESS…things slowwwwly begin to make sense…a little bit at a time….

I wonder what I will think when I look back on this blog in the years to come.

I have often wondered…after having an aha! Moment..”why didn’t they just say this” …but then I realize….that wouldn’t have helped me to arrive any sooner, really.

Being openminded…and listening…those are the things that were necessary …

My progress (or lack thereof) in recovery, seems to be directly related to my readiness to learn something new.

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When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Victor Frankl

Have a Plan

I neglected everything when I was gambling.

That's because...doing anything else...meant taking time away from IT...and I had progressed to the point that IT was all that I could think of....I was either DOING IT...or PLANNING to do IT....or attempting to recover from the latest crisis I had caused (by doing IT).

My WORLD revolved around IT.

I didn't do much housework....or shopping...I missed work a lot...and often I would leave work at lunchtime...then couldn't leave my machine...I wouldn't return to the office.
I stopped doing things with my friends....holidays were TORTURE....there was really no excuse..no lie that I could tell...to sneak away...my only hope was that other family members would, at some point, opt to go to the casino.

When I stopped gambling...I needed something to fill my time..I mean...that's how I spent ALL of my time...for a long long time....so suddenly, my days were empty.

but the truth is....

there was PLENTY to be done.

there still is.

I just don't always want to DO those things.

I can recall....using gambling as a reward....'I will not gamble tomorrow until after I take care of my chores'.....but i didn't do that very often. Anything or anyone that got in the way of my gambling was a nuisance.
My husband was a nuisance. My children were a nuisance.

I was insane.

Anyway,

Here I am....I no longer gamble...I am free of the cycle...yet...I am still not taking care of things the way I should.

I want things to be done :)

I just don't want to do them.

Lists work for me.

They don't solve all of my problems...sometimes I ignore them...but....if I have a list...I am much more likely to take care of things than without a list at all.

I am committing, right now, to having a list...every day, Mon thru Friday....and following it to the best of my ability.

I can think of many things that should be on the list...but I will start off slowly...with some of the things that I know will help me in recovery but that I have a hard time committing to...I will enhance my list as I become more proficient at accomplishing my tasks.

Today's list consists of:

Make a list of the tasks/choresthat I MUST do today…and at least one thing that I SHOULD do…and do them.

In addition to those things...
Be grateful.
Meditate.
Stay in the moment.
Practice Awareness.
Read.

I need to become more organized.
I need to become more disciplined.
I need to take responsibility for my life.

I need a PLAN for my life...and for this day.
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Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishments.--Jim Rohn

Working Step Four

Made a searching and fearless moral and financial inventory of ourselves.

It’s not about confession.
It’s not about telling a friend what we don’t like about ourselves and identifying ways that we can change.

It’s about identifying the CAUSES and CONDITIONS
It’s about understanding the things that make us unhappy….anger, fear, resentments….these are things that hurt US….

I once heard that being angry is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Huh?

That made no sense to me.

Funny how….I hear things that sound ridiculous to me…and I discard them…and then…one day…the light bulb goes on…I have an aha! Moment…everything makes sense.

I get this now….drinking poison and expect someone else to die.

When I am angry…WHO SUFFERS?

I know that…I do not have the ability to be angry and happy at the same time…so it benefits me to rid myself (to the best of my ability) of the anger (and fear and resentments).

My first step four was (I thought) thorough…but I basically identified some of my angers and resentments..….and identified my part.

But later….i was really angry at someone…and a friend in recovery suggested that I ‘step four her’ and…the most amazing thing happened….

I talked about why I was angry….and my friend was asking me questions….about….how did this affect me? What did it affect? My pocket book? My self esteem? ….trying to understand where the anger was coming from….when..suddenly…I realized that….it was related to some issues that *I* had…about MYSELF….

It hurt…this discovery…it was painful…I didn’t really like this about myself…this thing that I just realized…and for a while…a week or more…I was sort of depressed…and embarrassed…was reflecting back on my life…at different things that I had done or said related to this…and then…

It passed…this mood...this pain in discovering this about myself....it passed.

Then…I suddenly realized something….the resentment that I had? The anger toward that woman?? It was gone.

It’s funny…she is no different than she ever was…yet…prior to working this step 4 on her…every time that I encountered her I was furious…at her lack of sensitivity to others, etc….

But now?

Nothing….as a matter of fact….I kind of like her now…

And…that thing..that I discovered about myself? Just having the AWARENESS that it exists…made it weaker…it’s not gone completely…but it is different….it has lessened.

Whether one attends g.a. or not…. Doing a proper 4th step can be such a healing experience.

The purpose of this step is to RID ourselves of guilt…to acknowledge what we’ve done…and how we FEEL….to identify aspects of ourselves that contribute to this behavior and/or feelings….and to be done with it…..NOT to wallow in guilt and shame...we need to face our past and be done with it...identify who we are..that made us behave that way.

I would add that….I have worked step fours with several different individuals and each experience has been unique…some helpful and some not so helpful.

I would not want to work a step 4 with someone that I didn’t know well and trust…and felt that they cared about me…I am sensitive (most of us are)…and after divulging such private and painful things…I need to be reassured that I am ok…that I am lovable and that all will be well…I need that a LOT …

An important part of doing one’s inventory is knowing that we all have strengths also…it’s not always easy to identify them… we tend to focus on all of the horrible things we’ve done…the things we are ashamed of..and sometimes it’s hard to see that there is good in us and what it is…but it’s there…find it…and acknowledge it too….this is about discovering who we are….

All of it.

Whoever you are.
Whatever you’ve done.
However bad it was….
You deserve your life…
You don’t have to do those things any more….
We can make it right to the best of our ability….and not do those things any more.

Here are some of the worksheets that I’ve used or referred to in working step 4.

All 12 step questions
Step 4 questions for childhood
Step 4 questions for adolescence
Step 4 questions for adulthood

http://www.12step.org/Worksheets-from-12Step.org.html

more step 4 worksheets
http://www.12step.org/Worksheets-from-Other-Sources.html

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"One ceases to recognize the significance of mountain peaks if they are not viewed occasionally from the deepest valleys."--- Dr. Al Lorin

Self Esteem

I have a friend in recovery who sends out a daily email..he calls it the 'gift of the day'...it is recovery-related wisdom.

Occasionally the message 'speaks' to me...this one did:

Self-Esteem is a Powerful Force - How we react to criticism depends on our self-image. An alumnus from our treatment center called hysterically one day because her husband had been verbally abusive, berating her as a failed wife and mother. After the woman calmed down a bit, I said to her, 'That scar on the right of your face is absolutely ugly!' 'I don't understand you, doctor,' she said. 'What is there not to understand?' I said. 'I don't have any scar on my face,' the woman said. 'Then what did you think when I made that remark?' I asked. 'I hadn't the slightest idea what you were talking about,' the woman answered. I pointed out to the woman that when I made an unkind remark which she knew to be untrue, her reaction was that there must be something wrong with me. The reason she reacted so intensely when her husband made a derogatory comment was because she believed his comments to be true. Had she thought of herself as a good wife and mother, her reaction would have been, 'I don't know what in the world you are talking about.' It would hardly have been the hysterical reaction she had. If we think well of ourselves, even insulting comments, while not pleasant, can be shrugged off.--- Dr. Abraham J. Twerski

Dr. Abraham J. Twerski is a well known Rabbi and psychiatrist specializing in recovery from addictions.

Who to tell and when?

There is so much to consider....consequences, shame, embarrassment..

Almost no one knew I had a gambling problem..well…surely some people had figured it out on their own…but…I had told almost no one…..I confided in only one close friend.

When I finally ‘told’ my husband…I did it in writing…I was so afraid..and ashamed…I couldn’t actually speak what I’d done.

But…I didn’t tell him until my back was against the wall…we were living paycheck to paycheck and every credit card that we had was maxed out….on April 15, 2002, I was supposed to write a check to the I.R.S. and didn’t have the funds to do it..and I had no way to get them.

I had to tell.

Well…THAT is a story for another day…but…I can remember him asking me once “I wish you’d told me sooner…didn’t you know you had a problem at ten thousand dollars? Or twenty? Why didn’t you tell me at fifty??”

There are many reasons why I didn’t…reasons he will never understand…and it would have been better had I told him sooner…but… I didn’t.

But…there were so many other people to consider…

Do I tell…

My boss/co-workers?
Friends?
Children?
Other relatives?
The world at large???

And even….when we tell (spouses, for instance)..we do not always tell EVERYTHING.

When I attended my first g.a. meeting…LONG before my husband knew anything…I was strongly encouraged to tell him.

I have seen many many people ‘in recovery’ strongly encourage OTHERS to tell..to let go of the secret.

And…keeping secrets is so painful.
And….i have seen many many people who were afraid to tell…fearing the worst..only later to say, as I did…I should have told him/her sooner.

It sort of bothers me, though…that people can make such a blanket statement….that we ‘should tell’ that it will be the ‘best thing’….

Those people that told me that…they didn’t know me….maybe my husband would have beaten me…or shot me?? What do they know about my life?

I believe that no one can tell us who to tell and when…only we know our own lives.

But

Often..we THINK we KNOW things….and we are wrong.

As for myself…I KNEW that my husband would leave…or at the very least, would never forgive me.

I was wrong.

In the beginning, I asked him not to tell anyone else…I was embarrassed. He shared it only with a few people…his brother…a close friend…he was going through hell too….he needed to dump..who could blame him?

But…after I started feeling better…DOING better…I slowly began to tell other people in my life.

My inlaws…a few close friends.

It helped me on many levels.

People need to know that I no longer gamble and why -so that they do not encourage me to do it AND..because…more than likely they knew that I needed help before I did….and people who care about me…would be happy to know that I was getting the help I needed.

As time goes on…I have shared this with more and more people in my life....from very close friends..to acquaintances.

I have never discussed it with my children. They are teenagers…and I know my kids….there is literature all around the house..I am sure they are aware on some level…and there will come a time when we sit down to discuss it all…but that time is not here just yet.

At this point..the only reason that I would not divulge this to EVERYONE is to protect my husband and children….I have hurt them enough…but as time goes on…things will change…I will change…and they will too…I imagine I will feel more and more compelled to tell the world…that…we can be free.

For me...whether or not I should tell...USED to revolve around:

Do they need to know?
Would it help me if I told them?

and NOW...the question is simply..

Will it hurt someone if I do tell?....and if so....is it worth it?

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You see, a person of my acquaintance used to divide people into three categories: those who would prefer to have nothing to hide than have to lie, those who would rather lie than have nothing to hide, and finally those who love both lies and secrets. -- Albert Camus

We choose the way we feel.

Do we???

I mean…I am pretty sure that I could not choose to stop loving my family…or that if something terrible happened to one of my children that I could not CHOOSE to be happy anyway?

Some of the things that *I* feel are beyond MY ability to choose…

But

Much of what I experience…my moods…my feelings…are my own doing.

It took me a while to get this concept…it’s one of those things that one hears and rejects (because it doesn’t fit in with what I already KNOW to be true)…but

NO ONE CAN MAKE ME FEEL ANYTHING.

My kids cannot make me feel angry?

HA!

But the truth is…no….my children do not have the ability to make me feel angry.

Sometimes…they DO things…and when they do…I choose to get angry.

For example….

Sometimes…my son cannot find something (belt, shoes, etc.) when we are getting ready for school.

On some occasions…when that has occurred…I sigh, roll my eyes…think ‘here we go again’…and maybe make a comment like ‘this isn’t ok…you really have to do better than this’ blah blah blah

But SOMETIMES (maybe we are running late…maybe he has done this three days in a row, or maybe I am simply hormonal) he cannot locate something and I go ballistic.

If he can do the same exact thing…and get two completely different reactions…what is the determining factor?

Me.

What’s going on inside of me, more often than not, determines how I respond to any given situation.

I finally ‘got’ this a few months ago.

I realized that…if, for example, my boys do something that makes me angry in the morning before school...(ha! I said it again…’if they make me angry’) that *I* am upset for hours afterward…and worry that they are too…and that they’re having a bad day because of it.

One morning..I mentioned this to them…and one of my sons laughed and said ‘Mom…it doesn’t affect my whole morning…once I’m out of the car, I’m over it.’

Wow.

HE does something he shouldn’t do.
I get angry.
I might scream or punish him, or whatever.
I am upset for hours.
He goes on about his business….not caring much at all.

Did you GET that?

HE does something he shouldn’t do.
He is fine.
*I* have a rotten day???

And

If..somehow.. I were able to CHOOSE not to have a rotten day…what would be different?

If

HE did something he shouldn’t do.
And I punished him…but did not get upset.
He goes about his business…. Not caring much at all.
I go about my business….not caring much at all.

What’s different?

HE does something he shouldn’t do.
He is fine.
*I* am fine.

The only thing that changes…is how I feel…so the question to me is…when my son does something that he shouldn’t do in the morning…do I want to have a rotten day because of it or not?

Of COURSE I don’t want to have a rotten day when I don’t have to.

So how do I not?

It’s about changing the way that I think (a new way of thinking and living).

Let me preface this by saying…I STILL get angry.
Let me also say…I STILL get angry sometimes when it doesn’t make sense to do that to myself and I could probably avoid getting angry.

So that’s my disclaimer…I am human…I am a work in progress…I am not perfect, nor will I ever be… BUT

I am better than I used to be :)

I am therefore HAPPIER than I used to be.

When I begin to feel anger (or anxiety, or fear, or other uncomfortable emotions) I use the serenity prayer:

Can I do anything about this situation?
If so….DO it….

otherwise….

take a deep breath…. Can I calm myself down? Can I relax? Really…HOW BIG IS IT?

Changing the way I’m thinking and living…and smiling more often. xo
*************************************************************************************

You feel the way you do right now because of the thoughts you are thinking at this moment. --David D. Burns

Must I be Spiritual to Recover from Addiction?

What is Sprituality? What does it mean?

I have always assumed that when someone was 'spiritual' that meant they were 'religious'.

The gambler's anonymous combo book says "The word spiritual can be said to describe those characteristics of the human mind that represent the highest and finest qualities such as kindness, generosity, honesty and humility."

Many definitions refer to one's 'spirit' or 'soul'.

I used to have a problem with that...I wasn't really sure that I had a soul...well....at least not the type of soul I was taught about when I was a girl...an 'immortal' soul...a part of me that will live on even after this body has died.

But then, I thought....there certainly seems to be a part of me that is not this physical body...there is something else...

and...perhaps it isn't IMMORTAL...perhaps this non-physical presence ends when the body dies...but...there *IS* a non-physical aspect to who I am (mind, thoughts, feelings)....and THAT part of me is truly who I *AM*.


So...I decided to call THAT part of me my 'spirit' and investigate my 'spirituality'....my non-physical self.


I had been active in my addiction for so long..I wasn't in touch with anyone...least of all..my 'spirit'....


where do I start?


I googled 'spirituality'


Most of the sites that I came across seemed hmmmm well.....it didn't seem 'mainstream'...


but...some of the sites that I found had, among other things, exercises...daily exercises --- and the types of things that are addressed are... acceptance, fear, greed, loneliness, jealousy, envy, shame, low self-esteem, tolerance, kindness, generosity, patience, forgiveness, gratitude, listening, respect, mindfulness, peace....on and on and on


this is exactly what i'm looking for...these are the things that I need to do..to develop..to explore...


One site that I found had a different practice every week..something new to focus on...if some aspect of the exercise didn't sit well with me...I modified it so that I was comfortable with it (eliminating prayer for example)....there are no RULES!! this is all ABOUT ME!!!!

I read through the archives and picked a few that appealed to me ....I began with

'Eating with Presence' - being fully conscious of my food...how it looks, smells, tastes...not to just take a bite..chomp chomp swallow..but really EXPERIENCE a meal....it's practice in mindfulness...and gratitude too, maybe.

Next...I found 'Sending Good Will' - thinking of someone and focusing on them and 'send' them good thoughts...well wishes. I tweaked this a little. Anytime I'd get angry or upset with someone I would immediately stop what I was doing and send good will...it's really hard to be angry with someone after having done that.

anyway...there are THOUSANDS of these types of exercises...some seemed a little 'corny' or strange to me..so I passed on them... I select the things that feel right to me at any given time.

So...back to the question...must i be spiritual to recover from addiction?

for me...the question has changed....to.. why would i not want to enhance my non-physical self? to learn to be gentler and more at peace... and free....

whether it's necessary or not....I want it.



The exercises mentioned here can be found at Inner Frontier website http://www.innerfrontier.org/InnerWork/Archive/ArchiveTOC.htm

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The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed. -- Albert Einstein

Getting Out of Debt

This is tough for compulsive gamblers….we have to do some difficult things…we have to FACE what we’ve done....actually get out a pen and paper...and all of our bills...and put it all down...then make a plan.

For so long, I didn’t open bank statements….I opened credit card statements only to take out the payment stub…and find out what the minimum payment due was…I didn’t look at the transactions…or the balance.

I couldn’t bear to.

I didn’t.

In 2002, when the sh*t hit the fan at my house, my husband took over all of our finances including the responsibility of making a plan to get us out of debt --- a BUDGET.

That word still makes me cringe.

Basically, what he did was document all of our living expenses PLUS everything that we owed..and everything that was coming in.

It seemed impossible.

We had to make changes…we had to INCREASE what was coming in…and DECREASE what was going out.

That was painful.

It was painful to me on many levels.

I have rarely deprived myself of anything….if I wanted something, I bought it…I’d worry about paying for it (consequences) later (sound familiar?)…so now....on this new 'budge' I would have to learn to do without.

In some ways that was pretty easy…I mean…I was walking around with so much shame and fear…I didn’t deserve to spend money, ever again.

At the same time…I sometimes WANTED things.

But

What was REALLY painful..was watching my family…my husband…my children…do without things that THEY wanted..and that we should have easily been able to afford.

We cut back on everything that we could.

And we adjusted.
We all did.

Consolidating debts is not a good idea for compulsive gamblers, generally speaking…it is very common for us to consolidate…then..after experiencing some financial relief…returning to gambling…so we end up with the same debt we had before PLUS the consolidation loan…(many times I would transfer my debt to a new credit card with a 0% a.p.r. and then, with a fresh slate on the OLD cards...begin gambling yet again).

If one does decide to consolidate...some MAJOR roadblocks should be put in place…to prevent further damage.

G.A. says that this is not a financial problem...and I agree...it is not...but...most of us create financial problems before we seek help...and the knowledge that this is not a financial problem doesn't make the financial problems go away. If gambling has created debt...ignoring it is not going to make it go away.

Assess the situation.
Make a plan.
Stick to it.

I was chatting with someone the other night who is in debt (restitution) that he will be paying, for the rest of his life, due to gambling.

His attitude was amazing.

He said… I have to pay x amount out of every pay check for the rest of my life…I just think of that like another ‘tax’…and know that what *I* get to live on is what is left after that….and I do.

Related: Money/Debt and Gambling to Get Money

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Who recalls when folks got along without something if it cost too much? ~Kin Hubbard

A subconscious desire to punish myself?

When speaking of some of the characteristics of a person who is a compulsive gambler the g.a. combo book says “Then too, there is a theory that compulsive gamblers subconsciously want to lose to punish themselves. There is much evidence to support this theory. “

I’m pretty sure that’s not true for me.

I would say I’m POSITIVE that isn’t true for me…but there are a number of things that the combo book says that I USED to think did not apply to me….and now…well, that book may be smarter than I sometimes give it credit for.

Soooooo

Do I want to punish myself?

I think that I do NOT…I mean…I do not like negative consequences of any sort…I want pleasure…nothing but pleasure and good times…I run from pain, I hide from punishment… could it possibly be true? That I subconsciously want to punish myself?

See…I have this problem..and I KNOW that it’s related..that it’s addiction-related behavior…but…I put off things until they become a crisis.
I’m not talking about procrastinating. That’s human…most everyone does that.

I mean..I just plain DO NOT DO THINGS until my back is against the wall, the heart is pumping so hard I can almost hear it… I KNOW this is gonna happen…surely, I must know it…yet, I still just don’t do the things that I must.
Let me clarify..I am responsible in the big things… if you need a friend…I’m the one to call…I will drop everything to be with you…I am there for my husband and for my children…I have my priorities in order...in my relationships I am devoted and responsible.

It’s the LITTLE things that I don’t do…until they turn into BIG BIG things.

Odds and ends around the house that require calling a repairman to come out. Appointments (Doctor, Dentist) that are long over due….and I still have not called to set a date. I often pay my bills late, even when I have money in my account to cover them? I prefer not to even open the bills...and often...I do not end up paying them...until I get a phone call regarding it being delinquent......then I pay, without ever having looked at the bill itself...having no idea of what I am paying for. Filling out PAPERWORK..geez..that is the worst…recently…I had a medical bill that was covered by insurance, but I didn’t do the paperwork..every time I would receive a bill, I would put it aside…because..it’s not my responsibility to pay it…insurance would..but I never did submit it to the insurance company…then…I receive a notice from a collection agency…full panic sets in…too much time has passed the insurance company says it’s too late to file..I am freaking out…I have that back against the wall, heart pumping loudly thing going on…I finally got it taken care of..but I put myself through hell first.
Why?

I obviously knew, subconsciously, that.. I just wasn’t going to do it until I HAD to….and I guess HAVE to means…until I am freaking out.
I don't ENJOY that feeling! I HATE that feeling!So why on earth would I intentionally (even if it's subconcious) DO THIS??? over and over and over again???

See…I USED to think that I did those things (or didn’t do them) because I am pleasure-seeking and just don’t do things unless I get some sort of immediate gratification from doing it…

But then…I came across a list of features or characteristics of Pathological Gamblers and one of them said ---- Prone to developing other behaviors associated with stress.

I guess this would qualify.

I’m not sure if I’m doing this because on some (subconscious) level the anxiety ‘does something’ for me…or if it’s simply because I put off doing mundane tasks because I just don’t get anything out of doing it (until doing it means the stress ends).

But this is for certain:

I feel happier and more relaxed when I am free of anxiety.
Whether or not I am subconsciously trying to punish myself….taking care of the little things..before they become BIG things…is going to be a necessary part of this recovery....and would be an act of kindness...to myself.

********************************************************************************
If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right. --
Henry Ford

Relapse Prevention Plan

One of the things that g.a. says, to prevent relapse, is not to test or tempt ourselves. Don't associate with acquaintances who gamble. Don't go in or near gambling establishments.

Acquaintance, defined:
Knowledge of a person acquired by a relationship less intimate than friendship.

or

A person whom one knows casually

Sometimes..there are people in our lives (spouses, other family members, close friends) who gamble and whom we are unable or unwilling to stop associating with.

And these days...one doesn't have to go out of one's way to enter a 'gambling establishment'. In my city, every bar and nearly every restaurant as well as every convenience store has SOME sort of gambling....not to mention the folks that have become hooked on internet gambling from their very own living room.

We are going to be tested and tempted.

I refuse to live in fear of the next bet...but I have a healthy respect for the power of my addiction..and the havoc it can wreak.

In a few months, I will travel to Las Vegas with my husband for a business trip.

There was a time when I would have said that I cannot do this...it wouldn't be safe.

It's not a place that I would choose to go...for any other reason...but this is important to him...and gambling has taken enough from him....I am determined that it will not take any more...I will go.

But prudence demands I have a plan.

A relapse prevention plan.

I found many worksheets on the web that would aid one in creating thier own relapse prevention plan...and it's probably a good idea for anyone in recovery to go through the process of making one.

My plan, for this upcoming trip, consists of the following:

I have friends in recovery that live in Las Vegas...notify them that I am coming to town, in the event that I need them...and be sure to have their phone numbers handy.

I will have a list of local g.a. meetings with me.

I may plan in advance to meet someone at a g.a meeting (I've heard Las Vegas has wonderful meetings) just for fun...whether I need it or not.

I will have many other friends in recovery (all over the world) available to call.....at any time, day or night.

I will not carry cash while I am there.

I will not carry cards while I am there.

If I decide to shop while I am there, I will borrow a card from my husband, which I would never risk doing anything 'iffy' on.

The thing is....I do not feel that I am in danger of gambling while I am there (especially with roadblocks in place).


More than anything, I feel that, being there...walking through casinos, etc. could awaken a desire that has been dormant...and that...I could return HOME and be in some sort of danger.

but then....that danger would exist because I didn't expect it...I think that...I will plan to leave roadblocks in place for a while, after returning home..regardless of whether or not I think I need them.

I will explain the plan to my husband.. I do not want him to worry about me...but I want him to know that this is serious stuff...and that I am taking it seriously.

I want my life.

See also Preventing Relapse

**********************************************************************
Some sites that I used to develop my own relapse prevention plan--


Worksheets: Lifering.com Relapse Prevention
http://www.unhooked.com/lifering.com/workbook/WorkbookRelapse.pdf

Worksheets: Lifering.com Recovery Plan for my Life
http://www.unhooked.com/lifering.com/workbook/workbookchapterfourteen.pdf
Worksheet: My List of Negative Gambling Consequences nrgs_worksheet_01.rtf

Worksheet: My List of Warning Signs
nrgs_worksheet_02.rtf

Worksheet: Relapse Plan
http://www.recoveryroadmap.com/BigList/RP-15Symptoms.html

Is it a 'Character Defect'?

Absolutely not.

The gambler’s anonymous program says that…in order to stop gambling through the Gambler’s Anonymous program….”One does this through bringing about a progressive character change within oneself”…..snip snip snip…."HONESTY, OPENMINDEDNESS, and WILLINGNESS are the keywords in our recovery”.

I’ve seen some people translate that into “If I become a better person, I won’t gamble….so g.a. is telling me I’m a bad person”.

That’s not the way I read it.

I believe that…HONESTY…the opposite of lying…is perhaps the most important character defect that *I* need to focus on…because…in my mind…if one is HONEST….TRULY honest…RIGOROUSLY honest…then remaining active in the addiction is not possible.

My addiction was progressive…but there were lies, to some degree or another..all along the way…many of the lies that I told were to myself (denial).

Addiction is not rational. It is unhealthy, undesirable behavior.

I lived in a distorted reality that differed from ‘normal’ people’s world…I justified things that are not justifiable….

I could afford it.
I minimized my losses.
I didn’t really have a problem.
I wasn’t hurting anyone.
I didn’t need help.
Who could blame me?...my behavior was understandable (given circumstances).
I lied about money .
I lied about where I was…why I was late or why I missed events.
I lied about anything…to myself or to others…in order to accommodate my addiction.

My obsession to gamble eventually consumed me to the point that…my reality became so distorted…that…

Well…I was unrecognizable.

I didn’t take care of myself physically.
It was the only thing that I took pleasure in.
I neglected my family.
I could no longer see the value in money…it made no sense…it was just paper.
I could not imagine..I could not fathom the TORTURE of living a life without gambling.

To read that now….it sounds so insane…who was I? How could I have possibly thought that way?

A snippet from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Denial

The ability to deny or minimize is an essential part of what enables an addict to continue his or her behavior in the face of evidence that, to an outsider, appears overwhelming. This is cited as one of the reasons that compulsion is seldom effective in treating addiction — the habit of denial remains.

If I practice living honestly…if I am RIGOROUSLY honest…in all that I do… then the irrational will still be irrational…the unjustifiable cannot be justified….and I….will continue to live my life.

My addiction is not a defect of character, nor is it CAUSED by a defect in my character.....but my character defects...enable me to remain active in the addiction.

****************************************************************************
“A half-truth is a whole lie” – Yiddish Proverb

Email to a friend -- January 4, 2008

in response to:

I really cannot stop this, i simply can't - I believe I really am beyond having a choice. Not gambling - when I have money - FEELS IMPOSSIBLE - is impossible. Nothing else matters, no matter what I do.

Money, having money in my pocket, in the bank, in someone else's pocket drives me mad, it truly does.

Gambling drives me mad... I don't know what to do... Other than accept this as my lifestyle or become a monk.

I'm really sorry to be so negative - there are no answers - not for me - I have glimpses but I cannot hold on,there is nothing to hold onto.




if it was easy...we wouldn't be talking.....there would be no websites for compulsive gamblers....or MEETINGS even!

if I hadn't felt that way....I would not be online..trying to share with others what I have been thru....I would not be able to relate to you...to your struggles...and i would say...well dammit, just stop!

if i hadn't felt that way...*I* would have just stopped.

if i hadn't felt that way...I wouldn't have wanted to die....truly...wanted to die...I knew that going on without my family would be too painful...and I knew that my husband would never be able to forgive me...and I knew that we could never recover, financially or emotionally from what I had done...

I knew a lot of things

that weren't true.

(even tho I KNEW those things...I could not stop).

I even began to wonder HOW

how could i do it?

I could maybe have a car accident...then...no one would know it was on purpose?

but i have an airbag :( what if i didn't die?

then

i'd be helpless..in the hospital, when the bills started rolling in....husband would discover everything and leave me...paralyzed and comatose...AND alone..

maybe

hanging?

but how? where?

who would find me?

i wouldnt want my kids..or husband to find me...how painful...

i know! I could call a friend....and ask her to come over at a certain time...and leave the door unlocked....and be sure it was done before she arrived...and do it early enough in the day that the kids wouldn't be home from school for HOURS so that all of the 'evidence' would be gone by the time they got home.

but

which friend did i want to do that to?

it would have to be someone who would feel comfortable enough..to come right on in the house if i didn't answer the door?

it would have to be a close friend

blah blah blah

the point is....

I was hopeless.
i did not think i could stop.
I did not WANT to stop.

I hated what it was doing to me but I LOVED doing it.

the things that you think... i talk to so many people...who are struggling..who think exactly the same thing.

*I* struggled for YEARS...
most of the people that I know who are 'in recovery' today....struggled for YEARS...and did not think they could ever stop.

all that I can tell you is....i was right.

for a long time...i could not stop.

i did not have a choice.

and i am not sure how or why but

one day

something happened

something clicked

something changed
and

it wasn't easy

but

somehow

it was easIER.

just...never stop trying to stop.

never stop trying to stop.