Working Step Four

Made a searching and fearless moral and financial inventory of ourselves.

It’s not about confession.
It’s not about telling a friend what we don’t like about ourselves and identifying ways that we can change.

It’s about identifying the CAUSES and CONDITIONS
It’s about understanding the things that make us unhappy….anger, fear, resentments….these are things that hurt US….

I once heard that being angry is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Huh?

That made no sense to me.

Funny how….I hear things that sound ridiculous to me…and I discard them…and then…one day…the light bulb goes on…I have an aha! Moment…everything makes sense.

I get this now….drinking poison and expect someone else to die.

When I am angry…WHO SUFFERS?

I know that…I do not have the ability to be angry and happy at the same time…so it benefits me to rid myself (to the best of my ability) of the anger (and fear and resentments).

My first step four was (I thought) thorough…but I basically identified some of my angers and resentments..….and identified my part.

But later….i was really angry at someone…and a friend in recovery suggested that I ‘step four her’ and…the most amazing thing happened….

I talked about why I was angry….and my friend was asking me questions….about….how did this affect me? What did it affect? My pocket book? My self esteem? ….trying to understand where the anger was coming from….when..suddenly…I realized that….it was related to some issues that *I* had…about MYSELF….

It hurt…this discovery…it was painful…I didn’t really like this about myself…this thing that I just realized…and for a while…a week or more…I was sort of depressed…and embarrassed…was reflecting back on my life…at different things that I had done or said related to this…and then…

It passed…this mood...this pain in discovering this about myself....it passed.

Then…I suddenly realized something….the resentment that I had? The anger toward that woman?? It was gone.

It’s funny…she is no different than she ever was…yet…prior to working this step 4 on her…every time that I encountered her I was furious…at her lack of sensitivity to others, etc….

But now?

Nothing….as a matter of fact….I kind of like her now…

And…that thing..that I discovered about myself? Just having the AWARENESS that it exists…made it weaker…it’s not gone completely…but it is different….it has lessened.

Whether one attends g.a. or not…. Doing a proper 4th step can be such a healing experience.

The purpose of this step is to RID ourselves of guilt…to acknowledge what we’ve done…and how we FEEL….to identify aspects of ourselves that contribute to this behavior and/or feelings….and to be done with it…..NOT to wallow in guilt and shame...we need to face our past and be done with it...identify who we are..that made us behave that way.

I would add that….I have worked step fours with several different individuals and each experience has been unique…some helpful and some not so helpful.

I would not want to work a step 4 with someone that I didn’t know well and trust…and felt that they cared about me…I am sensitive (most of us are)…and after divulging such private and painful things…I need to be reassured that I am ok…that I am lovable and that all will be well…I need that a LOT …

An important part of doing one’s inventory is knowing that we all have strengths also…it’s not always easy to identify them… we tend to focus on all of the horrible things we’ve done…the things we are ashamed of..and sometimes it’s hard to see that there is good in us and what it is…but it’s there…find it…and acknowledge it too….this is about discovering who we are….

All of it.

Whoever you are.
Whatever you’ve done.
However bad it was….
You deserve your life…
You don’t have to do those things any more….
We can make it right to the best of our ability….and not do those things any more.

Here are some of the worksheets that I’ve used or referred to in working step 4.

All 12 step questions
Step 4 questions for childhood
Step 4 questions for adolescence
Step 4 questions for adulthood

http://www.12step.org/Worksheets-from-12Step.org.html

more step 4 worksheets
http://www.12step.org/Worksheets-from-Other-Sources.html

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"One ceases to recognize the significance of mountain peaks if they are not viewed occasionally from the deepest valleys."--- Dr. Al Lorin