Daring to Feel

That was pretty big for me.
Huge, really.

The ‘feeling’ entry of yesterday…I mean…get real, right?
None of those things are REAL problems.
None of that was a big deal at all…and I knew it.
I knew it EVEN while it was happening.
Soooooo
I tried to calm myself…to avoid feeling anxiety and that awful disconnectedness…. That ‘fragmented’ feeling that I sometimes have when my world is not honky-dory.
Yet…still acknowledge…that I was feeling.

I grew up seeing children who had been neglected or abused…orphans…I have seen children who have experienced things that were beyond my comprehension..then and now.
So as a child…no matter what ever happened to me…no matter how painful it was…I still had my mom and dad. I was still safe and loved…How dare I complain?
How dare I feel sorry for myself?
Or sad even?
My life was pretty good….REALLY good compared to many…I mean…we didn’t have a whole lot…but we didn’t do without anything that we needed…how dare I?

When I was a teenager we had a house fire and my bedroom was destroyed…all of my wordly possessions were destroyed…I was devastated..but then…how dare I?

My parents divorced…and for a while…we were pretty poor..and sometimes DID do without…STILL…how dare I?

I found myself in a loveless marriage…again…what did I have to complain about??? Compared to others…

One night I was beaten by my first husband…when I was able to get away, I ran, and I never looked back. I was frightened and angry…geez…I’m not even sure of all that I felt…because…as bad as it was…it wasn’t THAT bad.

My mom got sick…and died. I was devastated. She was my best friend….she was only 52…I was a young mother…I NEEDED her…still….I have seen very young children without their mothers…how dare I complain?

On and on and on

No matter how bad it is….there are always worse circumstances….so I minimize what I feel…whatever it is…it isn’t worthy..or isn’t worthy ENOUGH.

No matter what I don’t have…I have so much.

But

That doesn’t change the way I FEEL.
Ignoring or suppressing my feelings….doesn’t make them go away.

When I typed about my bedroom catching fire…I began to cry…thirty years later!!! Because…I still have not allowed myself to grieve.

So yesterday was huge for me…I knew that it wasn’t big…I KNOW big…I KNOW pain…I know the pain of wanting to die….I DO know pain…so I KNEW it wasn’t that big…but…

I dared…to allow myself to feel it anyway.

I am better today.

All is well.