Self talk

I am aware that many of us…
not many compulsive gamblers…
many HUMANS…regularly engage in negative self-talk…about how they look..or something they did…..there is much evidence regarding the power of positive thinking…supporting the theory that we should eliminate negative self talk (or turn it into positive affirmations of ourself)….fortunately, I do very little of this self-bashing.

Oh…I don’t think I’m great…there are things I’d like to change …I just don’t constantly berate myself about them.

Soooooo

Whenever the topic of ‘self talk’ comes up…I have automatically assumed that it’s not something I need to concern myself with…I get a pass on this one.

The fact is….while I may not have the ‘negative’ aspect to concern myself with…I have just recently come to realize that I just don’t shut up!

Ever!

I’ve got an energizer bunny in my head and it keeps talking and talking and talking…and I wasn’t even really AWARE of it….

Until

I tried to quiet it.

When I decided to give meditation a try….I would close my eyes..and try to think of nothing….nothing at all…no thoughts.

That is so HARD!

Ya know…I am compulsive about a lot of things….I have been since I was a child…I had no idea that I was a compulsive THINKER.

The thing is…I’m not really doing anything CONSTRUCTIVE with all of this thinking…it’s not even THINKING really…it’s just…chatter…constant chatter..and while I do, on occasion, use my thoughts to calm myself down…to relax….I am thinking that this constant yap yap yap HAS to contribute to my stress level….whether it’s negative or not….the ongoing noise does not have a comforting effect.

Many people say that meditation is relaxing.. but I usually do not feel relaxed afterwards…sometimes invigorated…more often than not, I feel exhausted (it takes a lot of energy to shut down all of this chatter)…but…even when it exhausts me…I get a sense of satisfaction….like…I have just finished doing something worthwhile.

There are so many things that I want to do…so many things that I need to learn….and…while I am better…I am soooo much better than I used to be….relaxing….learning how to self soothe is one of the kindest things that I am doing for myself.

So far.

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Through meditation and by giving full attention to one thing at a time, we can learn to direct attention where we choose. –Eknath Easwaran