Friday, January 4, 2008

Email to a friend -- January 4, 2008

in response to:

I really cannot stop this, i simply can't - I believe I really am beyond having a choice. Not gambling - when I have money - FEELS IMPOSSIBLE - is impossible. Nothing else matters, no matter what I do.

Money, having money in my pocket, in the bank, in someone else's pocket drives me mad, it truly does.

Gambling drives me mad... I don't know what to do... Other than accept this as my lifestyle or become a monk.

I'm really sorry to be so negative - there are no answers - not for me - I have glimpses but I cannot hold on,there is nothing to hold onto.

if it was easy...we wouldn't be talking.....there would be no websites for compulsive gamblers....or MEETINGS even!

if I hadn't felt that way....I would not be online..trying to share with others what I have been thru....I would not be able to relate to your struggles...and i would say...well dammit, just stop!

if i hadn't felt that way...*I* would have just stopped.

if i hadn't felt that way...I wouldn't have wanted to die....truly...wanted to die...I knew that going on without my family would be too painful...and I knew that my husband would never be able to forgive me...and I knew that we could never recover, financially or emotionally from what I had done...

I knew a lot of things

that weren't true.

(even tho I KNEW those things...I could not stop).

I even began to wonder HOW

how could i do it?

I could maybe have a car one would know it was on purpose?

but i have an airbag :( what if i didn't die?


i'd be the hospital, when the bills started rolling in....husband would discover everything and leave me...paralyzed and comatose...AND alone..



but how? where?

who would find me?

i wouldnt want my kids..or husband to find painful...

i know! I could call a friend....and ask her to come over at a certain time...and leave the door unlocked....and be sure it was done before she arrived...and do it early enough in the day that the kids wouldn't be home from school for HOURS so that all of the 'evidence' would be gone by the time they got home.


which friend did i want to do that to?

it would have to be someone who would feel comfortable come right on in the house if i didn't answer the door?

it would have to be a close friend

blah blah blah

the point is....

I was hopeless.
i did not think i could stop.
I did not WANT to stop.

I hated what it was doing to me but I LOVED doing it.

the things that you think... i talk to so many people...who are struggling..who think exactly the same thing.

*I* struggled for YEARS...
most of the people that I know who are 'in recovery' today....struggled for YEARS...and did not think they could ever stop.

all that I can tell you is....i was right.

for a long time...i could not stop.

i did not have a choice.

and i am not sure how or why but

one day

something happened

something clicked

something changed

it wasn't easy



it was easIER.

just...never stop trying to stop.

never stop trying to stop.

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